tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-275402912024-03-19T03:50:11.368-04:00Sprawling Ramshackle CompoundThe compound is under construction. Gathering enough plywood, galvanized tin and used trailers takes time, not to mention stockpiling all the shotgun ammo, canned goods and bourbon.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger1379125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-55102728334008341022015-06-19T16:36:00.000-04:002015-06-19T16:36:13.957-04:00My Confederate Flag<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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I have a Confederate flag in my basement.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No, it’s not hanging on the wall over my gun cabinet. It’s
folded up and wrapped in plastic in a box, along with a bunch of WW2 era
newspapers that my grandmother gave to me as a child. My grandmother told me
that flag had “flown over Richmond.” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not long after I received this gift, my family took me to
visit the Confederate Museum in Richmond, VA, and a staff member looked at the
flag. He determined, based on the grommets and stitching, that the flag was not
Civil War era, but likely from the early 1900’s. It wasn’t a real Civil War flag;
it was manufactured at least 35 years after the war was over. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
According to my grandmother, one of my forebears served in
the <a href="http://www.nps.gov/civilwar/search-battle-units-detail.htm?battleUnitCode=CKY0010RC01" target="_blank">10<sup>th</sup> Kentucky Cavalry CSA</a>. Looking back, Granny was a wealth of <a href="http://www.encyclopediavirginia.org/Lost_Cause_The" target="_blank">Lost Cause</a> mythology, and I loved the stories. I’m not entirely joking when I say I
was nine or ten years old before I realized the south lost the Civil War. As a
boy I was enthralled by the sad nobility of the Lost Cause-- the gallant cavalry
charges, outnumbered southerners repeatedly out-soldiering
Yankee invaders until overwhelmed by the industrial might of the Union. My
grandmother stressed that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">our</i> family
did not own slaves.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was all bullshit.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I did not easily arrive at that conclusion. Granny turned me
into something of a Civil War buff, and the vast majority of the books I read
reinforced, to some degree, the Lost Cause narrative. I took up reading Civil
War histories again about 20 years ago, and I learned that the preservation of
slavery was indeed the central tenet of the Confederacy. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Alexander Stephens, Vice President of the Confederacy, in his <a href="http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/cornerstone-speech/" target="_blank">Cornerstone Speech</a>, said this: “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Our new government is founded upon exactly
the opposite idea; its foundations are laid, its corner- stone rests, upon the
great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery
subordination to the superior race is his natural and normal condition. This,
our new government, is the first, in the history of the world, based upon this
great physical, philosophical, and moral truth.</i>” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I also learned that Union generals
weren’t as incompetent as I’d been taught, and Confederate generals weren’t as
brilliant. It's embarrassing to admit that, for a while, this part bothered me more.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why did my ancestor fight? His home, <a href="http://www.civilwar.org/hallowed-ground-magazine/spring-2010/civil-war-kentucky.html" target="_blank">Kentucky, was a border state that contributed more than twice as many soldiers to the Union cause than to the Confederacy</a>. Was he swayed by a convincing speech, or persuaded by a
good friend? Did he believe Kentucky belonged in the Confederacy? Perhaps, in
fighting for the Confederacy, he did the wrong thing for (as it seemed to him)
right reasons. In that case he’s not different from young men throughout
history who’ve been duped and enlisted into fighting wars in which they should
have had no cause. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why did my grandmother have that flag, and what did it mean
to her? I believe that, in most cases, we should not judge past generations too
harshly, based on our more complete knowledge and progressive views. My
grandmother was born in 1909. I’ll assume her love of that flag resulted from stories
of a relative’s wartime heroism, and a misplaced <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Gone With the Wind</i> style nostalgia for a past that never existed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know for sure about either of them, and I never
will.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here’s what I do know. It doesn’t really matter what the
Confederate flag meant to my grandmother, or my Confederate ancestor, or to me. I know
that for African Americans it will always be a symbol of enslavement and
oppression. I cannot imagine the pain it causes to see it flying from a
government building, or incorporated into a state flag as in Mississippi or
Georgia. For those who would offer some version of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"it’s not hate, it’s heritage"</i> argument, I would ask this: why does
the symbol of your “heritage” continue to be employed with such enthusiasm by
<a href="http://www.adl.org/combating-hate/hate-on-display/c/confederate-flag.html#.VYR8lkb9X9U" target="_blank">self-avowed white supremacists</a>? Does it not make you feel at least a little…<i>ashamed</i>?
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-11893184460768146832014-05-11T02:00:00.000-04:002014-05-10T16:10:42.203-04:00Happy Mother's Day!<span style="font-size: 130%;">If there's one thing we believe in strongly, it's motherhood. It's right up there with our love of marriage, preparedness, gun ownership, hillbilly music and fried catfish.<br /><br />So, for all you moms out there:<br /></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 180%; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Happy Mother's Day!</span><br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv6tQFhy0GcQzm-NpLkqoCIjGqMl-hHtSkxPKrv3HYZNMfdAAnkuuPcCMhyphenhyphenMrGz8iSAoieHrNu3IqTxchlg-UCxEUMOBA3Le0XZGZ6A9oX22VtGfe0egeebvi370wjMhVDG9ZS-g/s1600/Happy+Mother%2527s+Day.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv6tQFhy0GcQzm-NpLkqoCIjGqMl-hHtSkxPKrv3HYZNMfdAAnkuuPcCMhyphenhyphenMrGz8iSAoieHrNu3IqTxchlg-UCxEUMOBA3Le0XZGZ6A9oX22VtGfe0egeebvi370wjMhVDG9ZS-g/s320/Happy+Mother%2527s+Day.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5604166447070335490" style="cursor: pointer; height: 314px; width: 320px;" /></a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-28261151622577306722014-03-06T22:11:00.002-05:002014-03-06T22:16:21.235-05:00An ex-cop's journey. Or, cock-blocked by non-disclosure<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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This is an essay about my midlife career crisis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because if there’s anything that the literary
world needs more of, it’s rambling introspection from a middle aged white
man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s titled “An Ex-Cop’s Journey,
or: Cock-Blocked by Non-disclosure.”</div>
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_____________________</div>
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<br /></div>
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I wasn’t always a soft old man with failing eyesight and a
debilitating lack of purpose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No sir.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used to be cop. Not just a cop—a detective,
a detective sergeant, a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">commander</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A leader, an authority figure to other
authority figures…someone who did shit that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">mattered</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And for a while, I was not just a cop—I was a
cop with aspirations of being a writer.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Every cop goes through phases on the job. You’ve got the
first couple of years, full of rookie excitement, adrenaline, the thrilling <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">newness</i> of it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After a while the new cop smell wears off, and
you start to see warts—society’s, your own, and your departments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You question whether you want to stay where
you’re at.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lot of guys quit after
about 5 years; long enough to know the job’s not for them, but not so long that
they’re committed to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This process
repeats itself every 5 years or so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each
time you either make your way through it, or you’re done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Done, as in you quit, or you stick around waiting
to retire—I’m talking about 10 or 15 years of just being an utterly miserable
son of a bitch, doing as little as possible while doing your best at making
everyone around you as hateful as you are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you’re lucky you find something that renews you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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I was lucky, and I had a great run. I made detective early, and
I got promoted to patrol sergeant. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just
as patrol started to get boring I went back in investigations as a detective
sergeant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right when that started to
wear on me, my kids got me to start blogging.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And then I met writers, people who wrote short stories and poems, and
even published novels!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I loved the idea
of being a writer, I had stories I wanted to tell. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">write</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also had the
self-awareness to know I lacked the imagination, creative drive or
self-discipline to write fiction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Now, what I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">did</i>
have was a good memory, and a good ear for dialogue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was surrounded by what you’d call <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">colorful</i> characters. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I met people like the woman at an SRO hotel who
said she was “raped annually” by space aliens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I met Mr. Templeman, a wiry little combative drunk with a steel plate in
his head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He liked to smack himself on
the forehead every time he appeared in court, exclaiming to the judge “THEY
TOOK PART OF MY BRAIN, YOUR HONOR!”</div>
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<br /></div>
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In 24 years I only got hit in the face, hard, one time, and
that was by a naked woman standing on a basketball court.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She announced that she was Wonder Woman right
before she slugged me, and then sang Romanian marching songs as she pissed all
over the back seat of my squad car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Police work was a would-be writer’s gold mine.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In addition to the
criminals, dope fiends, and crazy people I met, I had interesting
coworkers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Officers with nicknames like
“Biscuit” and “Claybrains.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One particularly
short and unattractive officer, who smelled of cigarettes and old coffee, was a
degenerate skirt chaser. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We called him
“the Tripod.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There were coworkers, almost always supervisors or command
staff, who clearly showed signs of diagnosable mental illness. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not talking about the depression,
paranoia, and alcoholism that one usually associates with a career in
policing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m talking about frightening
bipolar mood swings that earned one commander the nickname “Prozac.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then there was this one deputy chief who…
well, wait.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now that I have a captive audience, please indulge me for a
moment and allow me to read a rejected Six Sentences piece that I wrote a few
years ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I called this “Heavy.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Tommy got where he was because he was heavy; not fat heavy mind you,
but clout heavy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His old man was a buddy
of the mayor, and the mayor was nothing if not loyal, so Tommy had a job at the
department that didn’t demand much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
always would, too—even if he didn’t have what it took to get on the job he
could always answer a phone or press a transmit button.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tommy was pretty happy with his job, until
one day when he walked into the men’s room off the lobby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Deputy Chief, whose office was nearby,
was standing there—pants down around his thighs—vigorously washing his scrotum
in the sink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tommy stood frozen,
briefly, just inside the doorway as they made eye contact, and for a moment Tommy
wished he’d never had any clout at all.</i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now this brings me to the whole “cock-blocked by
non-disclosure” part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was enjoying my
blog, and spouting off on Twitter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got
promoted to Commander, and a condition of the promotion was that I stop
blogging for Chicago Now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since blogging
doesn’t really add much to the pension, I happily agreed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kept notes, eagerly awaiting the opportunity
to return to some public forum in the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Then I retired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I retired from
policing, and took another job with a government agency which I will not, and
must not name here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I signed a bunch of
non-disclosure and confidentiality agreements, and I went to work with … <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lawyers</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Very. Serious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lawyers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yeah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I worked on a
murder task force for three years, and I guess it was just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">assumed</i> that I’d have the sense not to reveal sensitive
information.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I do what are called
administrative investigations—I don’t carry a gun, no one gets arrested, and
our investigations result not in indictments, but in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">strongly worded recommendations</i>—but by God, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I will not discuss these matters</i>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let me say this: in the environment I work in now, I am
without a doubt surrounded by the most professional, best educated coworkers
I’ve ever worked with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a reasonably
pleasant place, devoid of bad smells and body fluids and people screaming at
one another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a cubicle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is <i>killing </i>me.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To illustrate a key difference in my circumstances, the
place where I used to work promoted a man who thought it was completely
acceptable, during business hours, to drop trou and scrub his turkey neck in
the sink of a public bathroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I
work with people who, without a trace of humor, argue whether it’s correct to
use “fax” or “facsimile” in a report.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">dry</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my past life I may have been surrounded by
maniacs, thugs, and oddballs, but there were always a lot of laughs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, not so much.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve taken to using the word “lawyer” as a verb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone will ask me, “hey, has your report
been approved yet?” I’ll answer “naw, it’s still getting lawyered."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As in, there’s a bunch of lawyers reading it,
sending drafts of it back and forth until all the multi colored tracked changes
make it look like the world’s most linear and punctilious spirograph.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Remember in 1998 when Bill Clinton was president, and he had
to testify to a grand jury about Monica Lewinsky? Clinton famously replied to
one question, quote: “It depends on what the meaning of the word <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">'is'</i> is.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the time, I remember thinking: Slick
Willie <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">indeed</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, I’m like, yeah—that, my friends, is a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lawyer</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have experienced lengthy, earnest discussions as to
whether a truck should be described as lime green, neon yellow, lime yellow, or
OSHA safety green.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To my mind, the most
important question—<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">why does this fucking
matter in the first place</i>—remains unasked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In another instance, an attorney asked if a job title used a “one” with
a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">number</i>, or a “one” with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">a Roman numeral</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Different documents used the two titles
interchangeably, and at least a half hour was spent discussing how we would
address this issue in our own reports, so as to remain consistent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m waiting to see how this one plays out. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the way—in case you’re wondering?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I am, in fact, beating up on
lawyers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because lawyers are the only occupation easier
to beat up on than cops.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, and there are emails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Good lord, the emails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was
struggling with writing this, I briefly considered simply using a series of
official emails, verbatim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That would
have been a brutal experience for all of us.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our break room microwave has been the subject of more than
one scolding email from a high-ranking attorney:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dear Staff:</i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Whoever left 2:09 minutes on the microwave after heating their lunch
which had some sort of red tomato or spaghetti sauce, also left the microwave
caked with red sauce – </i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">We are all adults here who have (or should have at least once) cleaned
up after themselves. </i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">This office is not your home. Please be respectful of other staff and
clean up your mess.</i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dear Staff:</i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I would like the next person who needs to use the agency microwave to
clean it first.</i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Then, any future users who use it should make sure it is clean after
they use it.</i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The building crew and staff are not responsible for cleaning out our
microwave and despite my asking staff keep it clean, staff continues to use and
leave it filthy. That is very unprofessional and unacceptable. Those who
regularly use the microwave please be sure to print out this email if you
believe you might forget to clean out the microwave after you use it, today,
tomorrow and anytime in the future.</i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are office security issues. I have redacted certain
parts to comply with, to the best of my ability, my non-disclosure
requirements.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Would the staff member who left room REDACTED open today please stop by
my office – It was open, unlocked and unattended at 2:50 pm, although I’m not
sure for how long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dear Staff:</i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I will wait until REDACTED to allow the staff person who left the door
to room REDACTED unlocked and unsecure (around 2 pm last Friday, REDACTED) to
stop by my Office.</i></b><i><b> </b><b>If the responsible staff does not stop by, we will be making changes to
how staff access room REDACTED.</b></i></div>
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"></i></b><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Evidently the author of the email was the only person in the
office who did not know that the door to room REDACTED could be opened at any
time by slipping the lock with an ID card.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Changes to staff access have been made, and the door to room REDACTED
now has extra locks, and is finally secure.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, now what?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Occasionally I think about writing again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I get
home after a full day of staring at a computer screen, scrolling through
hundreds of pages of badly scanned documents, writing endless reports and
emails and memoranda... </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">For now it's easier
to pop open a beer, and dream about the future. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By this time next year I aim to be gone from
here, surrounded by fresh air, hillbillies and farm animals. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe writing will wait until then.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-49024820853028353822013-04-20T17:20:00.002-04:002013-04-20T18:55:43.683-04:00My First ProstituteI will always remember my first prostitute. <br />
<br />
Lori was a sassy little brunette from a small town in western Tennessee. She had a floral tattoo on her hip, and a twang in her voice that wandered between trashy and charming. She wasn't the prettiest hooker I ever met, or the funniest, or the most seductive. She was my first, and so, nearly twenty years later, I still remember her. I'm a middle aged man now, and I understand that just about all of my memories are colored by either nostalgia or regret, but I swear I'll tell you this story as honestly as I can.<br />
<br />
I don't mean to give the impression that I made a habit of buying sex from prostitutes. True, I've spent time with plenty of girls over the years, but I've only ever tried to buy sex from a few of them.<br />
<br />
Let me back up for a minute. You know I'm a cop right? Or, at least I was when this happened. I just realized I was about to turn this into an elaborate shaggy dog story, only with prostitutes instead of shaggy dogs. Let me clarify: my first experience with a prostitute was also my first experience doing any kind of undercover work.<br />
<br />
My encounter with Lori didn't come about because of some clever investigation on my part. It was because a Chicago Police detective called us to let us know an escort service was working in our town. In the motel directly across the street from the police station.<br />
<br />
My partner and I got excited, because, you know, <b><i>prostitutes across the street from the police station</i></b>! We jumped at the opportunity to work on something that night other than bad check cases. I called the number and found out that a massage cost $80, and the girl would be available for one hour. I gave my name as "Sam" and made an appointment. I had no idea why I used the name "Sam." I mean, really, why not use my real name? At least I managed, in spite of my inexperience, to not ask over the phone how much the sex would cost.<br />
<br />
So, I was tasked with the job of posing as a john. How would I do this? I tried to remember every war story I ever heard from every Chicago vice cop I'd ever been drinking with. I knew the prostitute had to be the one to offer sex for money. I was nervous, and so I decided to build on that. I created an elaborate backstory for my encounter. I would be a high school guidance counselor who had never done this kind of thing before. I would have a pregnant wife at home and I would be a perfect square. Or at least the kind of nerdy, sexually creepy square who'd be trying to get off with a prostitute at the Travelodge at eleven o'clock on a Sunday night.<br />
<br />
We came up with a plan. I'd leave a cell phone line open so my backup could hear what was going on in the room. Once the girl said the necessary words, I'd exclaim, loudly, "Oh yeah, that's great" and the arrest team would swoop in. I was afraid that the girl would have someone with her and I'd get rolled once the door closed behind me. I was nearly as afraid that she'd take one look at me and say, COP, and that would end it. <br />
<br />
Lori answered the door in a sheer lace teddy and a short red silk robe. "High" she said, only it sounded like "hah." "Sam?" "Yeah, I'm Sam!" I walked in and I could feel a bad case of flop sweat forming at my temples, neck and armpits. Without a badge, radio, or gun I suddenly felt more vulnerable in the presence of this petite woman than I'd ever felt. <br />
<br />
"Relax baby, you seem nervous." She had no idea.<br />
<br />
We made some small talk and confirmed that the price for a massage was $80. Lori asked if I was a cop. No, I said, I'm a guidance counselor, why? Just asking, she said. I asked if there were other services, and Lori said to go on and get undressed. "Ah cain't talk about anything else if you got your pants on baby." <br />
<br />
I was wearing a v-neck sweater, a black tee shirt, jeans, and Chuck Taylors. Lori perched on the bed, a little nipple showing through the teddy, feet tucked up under her butt. I started to freak out.<br />
<br />
I took off my sweater. Lori sat there, regarding me with a knowing half smile. I took off my Chuck Taylors. I took off my black tee shirt. Lori didn't move. I unbuckled my belt. I opened the button of my jeans, and undid the zipper. I took a breath. I opened my jeans and began to slide them down past my thighs, exposing my underwear.<br />
<br />
The instant the waistband of my jeans cleared my junk Lori spoke:<br />
<br />
"$140 for a blowjob, $200 for straight sex or anything else."<br />
<br />
I found out later those prices were inflated. Lori had made me as an easy mark.<br />
<br />
I need to mention underwear here. Not hers, mine. My bride, having a lovely sense of humor, has always enjoyed gifting me with novelty underwear. As luck would have it, that night I was wearing some--a set of silk boxer shorts bearing Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham" characters. That's right. I unconsciously chose the undercover name "Sam" because I was wearing Green Eggs and Ham boxer shorts on which a cartoon character proclaimed "I am Sam. Sam I am."<br />
<br />
Time to give the bust signal. "Oh, yeah, that's great!" I said. Lori looked at me, smiled, and patted the bed next to her. "Come on baby." "Oh yeah, <b><i>that's great</i></b>," I repeated, louder. I paused. Lori stared. "<b><i>Oh yeah, that's GREAT</i></b>" I called out. The cell phone had shut off and no one outside could hear a damn thing. My jeans had fallen down below my knees. I had to do something.<br />
<br />
"Ok, I have to tell you this, I'm a police officer. You're under arrest." "THE FUCK YOU ARE." Lori bounced up and rolled toward the opposite side of the bed. I waddled after her, trying simultaneously to hitch up my pants while grabbing desperately at the retreating sex worker with my free hand. "I really am a cop" I yelled.<br />
<br />
I managed to grab Lori, who was now shrieking for help herself, and pulled her back from the nightstand drawer she'd opened. There was a can of pepper spray inside. Back up officers rushed into the room and handcuffed her. 'Fuck, you <b><i>are </i></b>a cop?!" Yes, I told her. Yes I am. Lori took a deep breath and exhaled, like she was deflating. She started to shake.<br />
<br />
"I thought you were just some crazy asshole."<br />
<br />
We searched the room. We found some lingerie, a pair of high heels, and 36 condoms. I was relieved that she'd left her gun, a little Beretta .22, in the glove box of her car, parked outside. Lori said she carried it for protection while she was on the road, and had forgotten to bring it inside that night. <br />
<br />
Once we were back across the street, everyone calmed down and we talked. Lori was kind of a free spirit, and she was chatty. She wasn't too angry at me for arresting her, and I certainly didn't judge her for any choices she'd made either. <br />
<br />
Lori had come up to Chicago and was working as an escort after some other "opportunities" didn't work out. Lori got a little of her flirt back, and assured me that she probably wouldn't have shot me--she would've just used the gun to scare me.<br />
<br />
I left the booking room for a while, and when I came back Lori looked offended. "Your partner's trying to talk me into working in a titty bar" she said. "I was just saying it might be a little easier and safer than turning tricks in a motel, you know. And she's got the body for it."<br />
<br />
"Knock it off" I said. My partner continued, leaning in, conspiratorially. "Come on Lori, be honest. Did Joe get all the way naked? Was he smooth and hairless? I've heard he has piercings..." "Oh, <i><b>stop</b></i>" said Lori, grinning now, and I swear she blushed a little. <br />
<br />
Lori bonded out. Four months later she pleaded guilty to prostitution and took one year supervision. A couple months after that we arrested another girl from the same escort service. During the investigation the girl described Lori as a coke fiend who'd do just about anything for some blow. I think that girl just said those mean things because she was <i><b>jealous</b></i>.<br />
<br />
As far as I know Lori never got arrested in Illinois again. Last I heard she was back in Union, Tennessee, and I wish her well.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-40078619165431927042012-04-01T15:56:00.002-04:002012-04-01T15:59:54.820-04:00Thank you, and God bless you all!<span style="font-size:130%;">Well, this is a difficult post to write. I'm so full of love for all of you right now, bursting with it, and have so many things that I want to say...but I'll try and make this brief.<br /><br />5 years, 11 months, and 25 days ago I started a blog to have some fun, reach out to people and entertain myself. Along the way I landed a blogging gig with <a href="http://www.chicagonow.com/">ChicagoNow</a>, and even got on the radio a few times. It's been a blast, and I can't thank you guys enough for reading, commenting and re-tweeting over the years..<br /><br />Lately, though, I've felt something missing in my life. I realized that too much of my time and energy was being spent in what was, ultimately, a rather shallow series of clown jokes, stories about weenie-wavers, and self-satisfied crowing about how much I ate and drank. I've also become less satisfied with my career as a law enforcement officer. For some time now I've spent hours thinking about how I could better live a life of service, compared to the well-paid and complacent civil servant's life I now lead.<br /><br />I have wrestled with both demons and Lincoln's "better angels" of my nature. And I have made a decision. A trip down south affected me in a profound, and I hope lasting, way.<br /><br />This is my last blog post.<br /><br />I have taken a leave of absence from my job, pending my retirement. I have purchased a used Dodge minivan and converted it to a makeshift camper. I </span><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >had </span><span style="font-size:130%;">hoped to buy a mobile home in which to travel the shining gospel way, but it didn't work out.<br /><br />On Monday I will be driving south to New Orleans where I will be joining a recently-formed street ministry, the Good News Living Statue Ministry. I ran into some of these folks during a trip to New Orleans, as several of them acted out the Stations of the Cross around Jackson Square. As I stumbled out of a nearby daiquiri stand and crashed into one of the soldiers scourging the Christ, I felt a profound sense of disorientation and longing, and knew I'd been truly touched.<br /><br />The GNLSM ministers mostly to gutter punks, street performers and tourists in the French Quarter. They do so mainly by acting out various Gospel passages while spray-painted gold or silver, in the manner of many New Orleans street performers. I was moved by the depth and intensity of their devotion to the Gospel, as well as to the art of living statue performance. They are truly Godly people, and other than a brief (but ugly) confrontation with a group of traveling <a href="http://www.clowning4christ.com/">Clowns for Christ</a>, I have found them to be beyond reproach. I have signed on to act as a fry cook and go-fer for the troupe until I "learn the ropes" as a living statue and New Testament reenactor.<br /><br />My beautiful wife and children, while not fully comprehending my decision, are nevertheless pretty much supportive of it. They will remain here performing earthly duties such as bill payment and home maintenance while I carry out God's work down south. They are my rock.<br /><br />Please pray for me, as I will for all of you. God bless you all!</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j174/Jbubs/goldman.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px;" src="http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j174/Jbubs/goldman.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-50256091496050992452012-02-27T14:14:00.002-05:002012-02-27T14:17:13.905-05:00Boo<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_HCaC9BYqnTFFLAmmPnK6TTv1WjaOknZwCPSTolf4QKElrNgcB_QBX6BmrOJTIE2Hea9PD82Ukst2tQjh6qIv1LiglN2cO_9HfwUKvouEMGiC77Gt9sf8W1UAHsNOn7vhomgOpA/s1600/crappy+taxidermy.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 244px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_HCaC9BYqnTFFLAmmPnK6TTv1WjaOknZwCPSTolf4QKElrNgcB_QBX6BmrOJTIE2Hea9PD82Ukst2tQjh6qIv1LiglN2cO_9HfwUKvouEMGiC77Gt9sf8W1UAHsNOn7vhomgOpA/s320/crappy+taxidermy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5713896198398347714" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-family: arial;">From my new favorite website: <a href="http://crappytaxidermy.com/">Crappy Taxidermy </a></span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Enjoy, kids.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-55402627472058837772011-05-30T10:40:00.004-04:002011-05-30T10:46:17.157-04:00Memorial Day is there for a reason<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMWq7z78xV7P8YRpPwHdxpyjKHL-6p_Yi4HIi6Az6eV-wGcZut-UQmy0MjXhUkqwc7ogaLfjPBV90OnMW0CmilErslDsh3m5v3pNs-QI9jTh7NfPPt2-cU7mWG75w17hQOde_CvA/s1600/MemoryHeroes.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 226px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMWq7z78xV7P8YRpPwHdxpyjKHL-6p_Yi4HIi6Az6eV-wGcZut-UQmy0MjXhUkqwc7ogaLfjPBV90OnMW0CmilErslDsh3m5v3pNs-QI9jTh7NfPPt2-cU7mWG75w17hQOde_CvA/s320/MemoryHeroes.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612519691888085154" border="0" /></a><b><blockquote></blockquote></b><blockquote><span style="font-size:130%;"><b>"Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."</b><br /><br />--John 15:13</span></blockquote><div style="text-align: left;"><blockquote><br /></blockquote><b></b><blockquote><span style="font-size:130%;"><b>"That damned hero stuff is a bunch crap, I guess...You gotta understand that there's all kinds of heroes, but they never get a chance to be in a hero's position."</b><br /><br />--John William Finn was the nation's oldest living Medal of Honor winner. <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/28/us/28finn.html?src=me">He died on May 27, 2010</a>. </span></blockquote><br /></div><span style="font-size:130%;">One of my regular beefs, which my wife and kids have long since tired of hearing, is this:<br /><br />Holidays like Memorial Day and Veteran's Day exist for a reason. It's not just a day off school or work, or an occasion to picnic. For years I have felt that our schools don't do a good job of teaching the history of the holiday, or imparting the proper sense of respect. Memorial Day, in particular, gets watered down into a broad, hazy day of remembrance. People need to understand that <b><i>Memorial Day exists for the sole purpose of honoring our war dead</i></b>.<br /><br />There are many of them. Since November 2001, <a href="http://www.il.ngb.army.mil/FallenHeroes/default.aspx">more than 209 Illinois citizens have died in combat</a>. They came from all over the state, from varying backgrounds, men and women alike. What they all have in common is that they died in our service, and they are deserving of our deepest gratitude and respect.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.usmemorialday.org/backgrnd.html">Memorial Day was originally called "Decoration Day"</a>, and was first observed on May 30, 1868. It was first officially proclaimed by Commander of the Grand Army of the Republic, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_A._Logan">General John A. Logan</a>. Yes, that's the same Logan that Logan Square and Logan Boulevard are named after.<br /><br />Every year since 2000, there is a <a href="http://www.usmemorialday.org/Speeches/President/may0200.txt">National Moment of Remembrance</a> at 3pm. It's a good time to observe a moment of silence, or say a short prayer, both for our fallen and for the families they left behind.<br /><br />If you want to be deeply humbled, or inspired, visit <a href="http://www.cmohs.org/">the website for the Congressional Medal of Honor</a>, and read some of the citations.<br /><br />For everyone who serves, or who has served, and to the families of all those men and women, I say <b><i>thank you</i></b>.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-74925724692296134372011-05-28T15:14:00.004-04:002011-05-28T15:32:18.669-04:00Law Enforcement Quote of the Week: naked dump truck edition<span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><blockquote>"It's a tense situation when someone enters your home in a one-ton dump truck."</blockquote><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span></span>-South Berwick, Maine Police Chief Dana Lajoie, referring to an incident in which 24-year-old Eli T. Hutchins crashed his Ford pickup truck into a condominium. Naked.<br /><br />According to <a href="http://www.fosters.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20110527/GJNEWS_01/705279958">this story</a>, Mr. Hutchins " drove over lawns and driveways until he hit the structure" after leaving another unit in the complex.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2011/05/27/UPI-NewsTrack-Quirks-in-the-News/UPI-43061306530000/">This brief piece from UPI.com</a> gives us a little more insight, reporting that Mr. Hutchins left a nearby party after getting into a fight before embarking on his naked drive. During the fight, reportedly started by Hutchins, he was struck in the head with a hammer.<br /><br />Alcohol was involved.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-64415266100674441242011-05-22T23:07:00.003-04:002011-05-22T23:17:59.180-04:00Return of the Sunday Afternoon Cocktail<span style="font-size:130%;">Probably the most deliciously difficult thing about today's <a href="http://sprawlingramshacklecompound.blogspot.com/search/label/Sunday%20Afternoon%20Cocktails">Sunday Afternoon Cocktail</a> was sipping through the two or three variations my bride went through before settling on her final version. First it was a bit too much blueberry schnapps; then it was the unfortunate inky appearance that the muddled blueberries imparted. Lucky for me, she worked it out, and here we are:
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<br />The Blue Moon of Kentucky cocktail (serves 2):</span>
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<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1L_Jb8T-BxM1z4yPi6eduCjCt5cGZV8-MAPDPJANdYIXiTbHZmGjiOOpEEOuKIStt3OWE288oqIPJbyaK9gfC_ejbnGJg7xdNuSp2Vw1RdxjJ6_ipndT7DTTexwYf89ZfOrxbrQ/s1600/Blue+moon+of+Kentucky+cocktail.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 223px; height: 297px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1L_Jb8T-BxM1z4yPi6eduCjCt5cGZV8-MAPDPJANdYIXiTbHZmGjiOOpEEOuKIStt3OWE288oqIPJbyaK9gfC_ejbnGJg7xdNuSp2Vw1RdxjJ6_ipndT7DTTexwYf89ZfOrxbrQ/s200/Blue+moon+of+Kentucky+cocktail.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5609744398247530498" border="0" /></a>
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</w:lsdexception> </w:lsdexception><!--[endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Cambria Math"; panose-1:2 4 5 3 5 4 6 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:roman; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1107304683 0 0 159 0;} @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:2 15 5 2 2 2 4 3 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:swiss; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:-1610611985 1073750139 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-unhide:no; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; margin-top:0in; margin-right:0in; margin-bottom:10.0pt; margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-fareast-font-family:Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";} .MsoChpDefault {mso-style-type:export-only; mso-default-props:yes; font-size:10.0pt; mso-ansi-font-size:10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size:10.0pt; 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<br /></p><p style="font-weight: bold; font-family: arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">In a cocktail shaker or large glass measuring cup:</span>
<br /></span></span></p><p style="font-family: arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-muddle ½ cup of blueberries with a ¼ cup of triple sec & a tablespoon of lemon juice. Let sit for 15 minutes (at least)<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p style="font-family: arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Add 1 ½ oz of blueberry schnapps (DeKuyper)<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p style="font-family: arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-Add 1/3 cup bourbon<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p style="font-family: arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">-Strain, pour over ice in a tall glass, garnish with fresh blueberries and lemon peel</span></span></p> </w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:lsdexception></w:latentstyles></xml>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-3026141694706253422011-05-11T11:30:00.001-04:002011-05-11T11:33:03.969-04:00It's Wednesday!<span style="font-size:130%;">And you know what that means, don't you?<br /><br /><a href="http://sprawlingramshacklecompound.blogspot.com/search/label/Weenie-Waver%20Wednesday">Weenie Wavers</a>!<br /><br />First up is this video of an unknown man freaking out on a NYC subway. Because of the profanity, racial slurs and spinning pink propeller it is most definitely <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">not </span>safe for work.<br /><br /><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/SUYYeS7gA40?rel=0" allowfullscreen="" width="400" frameborder="0" height="330"></iframe><br /><br />This video proves a couple of my theories:<br /><br />1) Nudity--especially male nudity--is hilarious, creepy or terrifying far more often than it is sexy, and,<br /><br />2) Cops would <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">really </span>rather not go hands-on with a naked person. There are quite a few videos of cops dealing with crazy naked people in which the cops don't use nearly as much force as they should. I think it's some combination of the "ick" factor, and a misplaced idea of fair play that tells an officer a naked person is somehow vulnerable, and it wouldn't be sporting to use force on them.<br /><br />On to the ladies now.<br /><br />I have not yet come up with a catchy phrase to describe lady flashers, but I am open to suggestions.<br /><br />Meet Maribel Gomez:<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLK1FredNwoVym8VO2zM7W0q8cMfkXVthyphenhyphenYiFOS8AjwGv4rDMtMsX_D6sYbUMH6W5rCuetZTMdpxr97MJtRzY1YHCwIZ-6vIrFxg4tHedjwpTxmD-rprlyutcBFCiOh9N1OtHMWw/s1600/Maribel+Gomez.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 191px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLK1FredNwoVym8VO2zM7W0q8cMfkXVthyphenhyphenYiFOS8AjwGv4rDMtMsX_D6sYbUMH6W5rCuetZTMdpxr97MJtRzY1YHCwIZ-6vIrFxg4tHedjwpTxmD-rprlyutcBFCiOh9N1OtHMWw/s200/Maribel+Gomez.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5605480432297785954" border="0" /></a><br /></div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><a href="http://www.wtsp.com/news/topstories/article/191571/250/Tamarac-Woman-Accused-Of-Flashing-School-Kids">Ms. Gomez was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct</a> after she allegedly exposed her breasts to a 10-year-old boy waiting for a school bus and asked him "<span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">are you ready</span>". The victim was not "ready", and Ms. Gomez apparently chased him for a little while before being arrested. She was initially charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition; her attorney successfully argued that breasts are not sexual organs and the charge was amended to disorderly conduct. The judge revoked bond on an earlier cocaine possession case and Ms. Gomez remained in custody.<br /><br />The<a href="http://weblogs.sun-sentinel.com/news/specials/weirdflorida/blog/2011/05/woman_35_charged_with_flashing.html"> Sun-Sentinel has a collection of other Florida cases</a> (yes, <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">there are more than 3</span>) involving school-related indecent exposure.<br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_EZ89g-yjgEWq2NO4AAvGPMbV6yxK7m8FsJjqg-d6lxvLxbv-MW58Uy51m6QSwSRQJFToHr6lmyk7OU0mf-iYOdV9cOSCcAMYf0Fr4YmC8rTY7MGl09U7XImE-RtNl1jgK56ATA/s1600/Kara+Mitchell.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 160px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_EZ89g-yjgEWq2NO4AAvGPMbV6yxK7m8FsJjqg-d6lxvLxbv-MW58Uy51m6QSwSRQJFToHr6lmyk7OU0mf-iYOdV9cOSCcAMYf0Fr4YmC8rTY7MGl09U7XImE-RtNl1jgK56ATA/s200/Kara+Mitchell.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5605480678965850418" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;">Kara Mitchell, the woman with the winning smile pictured at left, <a href="http://www.azcentral.com/community/mesa/articles/2011/05/09/20110509Mesa-woman-cemetery-indecent-exposure-abrk.html">was arrested after </a></span><span style="font-size:130%;"><a href="http://www.azcentral.com/community/mesa/articles/2011/05/09/20110509Mesa-woman-cemetery-indecent-exposure-abrk.html">she decided to strip naked and dance around Mesa Cemetery</a>. She then got dressed, sat and talked to herself for a while, and was later found by police sitting in a golf cart. The article assures us that no children were present.<br /><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-81052810376502245602011-05-06T23:37:00.003-04:002011-05-06T23:43:18.090-04:00Chicks dig it!<span style="font-size:130%;">Meet Dewayne Yarbrough of south suburban Ford Heights:<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdzqWJActiz0JdlgGCIba00QTWYkOv1zR8cZtCf4V39Ft5HGjOy4y2GLtEqUjJhhyphenhypheni45qc2liur132h7AlT6o4ge8T-HqZYmtsfXC_yyOBA7637mnaTTD1oLLwcHev-_qz6EyoFA/s1600/Dewayne+Yarbrough.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 125px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdzqWJActiz0JdlgGCIba00QTWYkOv1zR8cZtCf4V39Ft5HGjOy4y2GLtEqUjJhhyphenhypheni45qc2liur132h7AlT6o4ge8T-HqZYmtsfXC_yyOBA7637mnaTTD1oLLwcHev-_qz6EyoFA/s200/Dewayne+Yarbrough.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5603814238931163922" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Mr. <a href="http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/news/local/chibrknews-cops-man-had-alligator-because-chicks-dig-it-20110506,0,7073722.story">Yarbrough was arrested yesterday after police executed a search warrant at his home and found a live alligator</a> inside.<br /><br />Yarbrough told police that he purchased the gator in Indiana five years ago, and kept it because "<span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">chicks dig it</span>." <br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-17219276118862822692011-05-06T12:21:00.001-04:002011-05-06T12:33:17.433-04:00Hey...anybody there?<span style="font-size:100%;">It's been a while hasn't it?<br /><br />Five years ago my kids talked me into starting a blog. I started by <a href="http://i80.photobucket.com/albums/j174/Jbubs/DSC03789.jpg">spilling my guts</a>, and moved on from there. Quite a few things have happened since then.<br /><br />For starters, we're all five years older.<br /><br />My hobby blog led to some fun opportunities. I had a pretty good run as a paid blogger and got to hear myself on the radio a few times, that was kinda cool. While I was all full of myself and letting my head swell I kind of neglected things around here.<br /><br />So now I'm cleaning out the cobwebs, chasing off the snakes and opening the windows to air things out here at the Compound. I don't want to make any money, I don't want any public notice (beyond a few dozen friends and family), and I don't want to write about anything police-related--unless, of course, it involves alligators, weenie-wavers or predatory clowns. And maybe amputees.<br /><br />I'll start with a couple of items that caught my attention this week.<br /><br />Meet Mark Thompson of wild, wonderful West Virginia:<br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXtoqrVPPn_CS80zmk8mBxfuylIM1vA5iMwm115xbJNppikKsHvIXxhBY5dTn2tMw2ek7Y6dh77Q3lcc1k2aqO-cNdSzR_JGm8N2pSY03OHGB5U2szA3Ln8RRcSMNOuL7Jm4zn-g/s1600/MarkThompson_I110502192750.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 183px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXtoqrVPPn_CS80zmk8mBxfuylIM1vA5iMwm115xbJNppikKsHvIXxhBY5dTn2tMw2ek7Y6dh77Q3lcc1k2aqO-cNdSzR_JGm8N2pSY03OHGB5U2szA3Ln8RRcSMNOuL7Jm4zn-g/s200/MarkThompson_I110502192750.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5603641984479090210" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:100%;"><br />I'll just quote the lead from <a href="http://sundaygazettemail.com/News/201105020871?page=1">this article in the Charleston Gazette</a>:</span><br /><blockquote>Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor's pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal...</blockquote><br />Believe me when I tell you that there are more details in the article, and it gets weirder.<br /><br />Just because I stopped writing about it doesn't mean that the ongoing war between alligators and humankind has stopped, or even slowed--as a matter of fact, I see clear indicators that it might be escalating. Example:<br /><br />A kill-crazy alligator in Gainesville, Florida, <a href="http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/local/article/202757/3/New-Video-Alligator-Bites-Patrol-Car-Holds-On">recently attacked a marked police car</a>, clamping down and seizing the bumper of the patrol car in its deadly jaws:<br /><br /><object id="flashObj" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=9,0,47,0" width="486" height="412"><param name="movie" value="http://c.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f9?isVid=1"><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF"><param name="flashVars" value="omnitureAccountID=gntbcstwtlv,gntbcstglobal&pageContentCategory=video&pageContentSubcategory=&marketName=Jacksonville, FL:wtlv&division=Broadcast&SSTSCode=&videoId=927530621001&playerID=35104629001&playerKey=AQ~~,AAAACCo2HcE~,Xq6bv4z8O3Vypjqp8SRaPWSEmhvW8Iso&domain=embed&dynamicStreaming=true"><param name="base" value="http://admin.brightcove.com"><param name="seamlesstabbing" value="false"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="swLiveConnect" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://c.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f9?isVid=1" bgcolor="#FFFFFF" flashvars="omnitureAccountID=gntbcstwtlv,gntbcstglobal&pageContentCategory=video&pageContentSubcategory=&marketName=Jacksonville, FL:wtlv&division=Broadcast&SSTSCode=&videoId=927530621001&playerID=35104629001&playerKey=AQ~~,AAAACCo2HcE~,Xq6bv4z8O3Vypjqp8SRaPWSEmhvW8Iso&domain=embed&dynamicStreaming=true" base="http://admin.brightcove.com" name="flashObj" seamlesstabbing="false" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" swliveconnect="true" allowscriptaccess="always" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/shockwave/download/index.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=ShockwaveFlash" width="486" height="412"></embed></object><br /><br />I got this last one courtesy of <a href="http://networkedblogs.com/hsPJr">Lisa Golden</a>, an old blogging chum, via Twitter. The story originates in (of course) Florida, and sports one of the best leads I've seen:<br /><blockquote>Floridians are going to have to start pulling up their pants and stop having sex with animals soon.</blockquote><br /><a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/42920080/ns/local_news-miami_fl/t/bills-banning-bestiality-baggy-pants-pass-fla/">Florida recently passed two pieces of legislation</a>--one aims at ending the state's nightmarish epidemic of human-animal sexual relations, and the other aims at getting young men to pull their damn pants up.<br /><br />That's all for now. We have a big weekend coming up: the Kentucky Derby on Saturday, and Mother's Day on Sunday. I'm digging through my photo archives for suitable material.<br /><br />Have a great day, and thanks for stopping by.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-33968130905172853112010-04-05T02:32:00.002-04:002010-04-05T02:37:10.177-04:00PLAY BALL!<span style="font-size:130%;">I personally wish that Bettie had put some pants on, but I still admire her enthusiasm<br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg40jdAaqcDKi4HjpFvHZK1DqlwYHx_MV-NiGCYyP9Kpy6-IlawDTxHDRpkui9djgzQh9Zm8rLf6uVJ9c5iRkn6iKe05HQkDN8rS90P1A1z2S-nO4p5-zDP2vg0FVqROiepraNPLA/s1600/Bettie+Page+baseball+copy.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 347px; height: 683px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg40jdAaqcDKi4HjpFvHZK1DqlwYHx_MV-NiGCYyP9Kpy6-IlawDTxHDRpkui9djgzQh9Zm8rLf6uVJ9c5iRkn6iKe05HQkDN8rS90P1A1z2S-nO4p5-zDP2vg0FVqROiepraNPLA/s400/Bettie+Page+baseball+copy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5456538500291858562" border="0" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com94tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-77897351159550270512010-03-22T14:11:00.007-04:002010-03-22T14:39:44.447-04:00And then...<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span><span style="font-size:130%;">And then, at the end of the performance, the host comes out dressed as Napoleon and addresses everyone in German.</span><br /></div><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Gu1q17rUkVU&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Gu1q17rUkVU&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=en_US&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" width="425" height="385"></embed></object></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">And now, since we're fooling around with mind-bending cross-cultural disco antics, enjoy some <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boney_M.">Boney M</a> singing "Rasputin". Yes, that's right--a German-produced disco band consisting of 4 Jamaicans singing a song about Rasputin: "rah rah Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine..."<br /><br /><object width="445" height="364"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/TmjdZKfumEI&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6&border=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/TmjdZKfumEI&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x2b405b&color2=0x6b8ab6&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="445" height="364"></embed></object><br /><br />Why? Because it's Monday, so you might as well put on your shiny clothes and platform boots and dance. (Bonus points for fake beards or red, white and blue glitter.)</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE3d7CJyp8UH7dbpxZjWbtMB0tJXL72oPd-K5IouqE6iHkhlP-gEflipQtAcPQgz_xMwFck0Svv1AHxjQ7Jf_qavOZ_gtMOR_ZZdWRhGtqcfRHnwWPMewRu8I1FfW_PCOORWNT8g/s1600-h/groovy+girl+band.jpg"><img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 298px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE3d7CJyp8UH7dbpxZjWbtMB0tJXL72oPd-K5IouqE6iHkhlP-gEflipQtAcPQgz_xMwFck0Svv1AHxjQ7Jf_qavOZ_gtMOR_ZZdWRhGtqcfRHnwWPMewRu8I1FfW_PCOORWNT8g/s320/groovy+girl+band.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451529323995342034" border="0" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-41302539040217207512010-03-21T13:33:00.005-04:002010-03-21T13:51:59.277-04:00If Republicans had their way<span style="font-size:130%;">Judging from the rhetoric I've been hearing as the health care vote approaches, it would look something like this:<br /><br /></span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-4zFCS1OJbNTOvxQOro5dYYVP1iBq1OTQHRGvV_dqwFzuyVFoiecKM95VF1eSXFgO_6LGXZ05eRysZ6-4KAX7vVBh9rlvShIFm4VjZYY6fzUXKcvdMalW4V1mQqgFFPeGM34LVA/s1600-h/If+Republicans+had+their+way.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 339px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-4zFCS1OJbNTOvxQOro5dYYVP1iBq1OTQHRGvV_dqwFzuyVFoiecKM95VF1eSXFgO_6LGXZ05eRysZ6-4KAX7vVBh9rlvShIFm4VjZYY6fzUXKcvdMalW4V1mQqgFFPeGM34LVA/s400/If+Republicans+had+their+way.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451145134908877506" border="0" /></a><br /><ul><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Cant afford health care? <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Get a job!</span></span><br /></li></ul><ul><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Health insurance too expensive? <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"> Blame trial lawyers and liberal politicians!</span> (Note: <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">let the market forces of unrestricted competition take care of it!</span> </span>is also an acceptable choice.)</span></li></ul><ul><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Food contaminated? Toxins being dumped into your drinking water?<span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"> Let the market handle it!</span> (Note:<span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"> Move!</span> and/or <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Caveat emptor!</span> are also acceptable responses.)<br /></span></li></ul><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com36tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-88806692031458412742010-03-13T23:11:00.003-05:002010-03-13T23:17:57.969-05:00A gentle reminder--spring forward!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeVXfL86HEen7e9AefPHyPXyp5x5Nz9f68NI3uq1y7jBGc1lzNxbuhYmaZ9keOFMjZkn6sQaNdjUAlCBC18QS8MU6Tg_jgrDkbNVlaIXsAibCNpg2klJTHnA71Te2ZEMKaqZ_kHA/s1600-h/DST-spring.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 328px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeVXfL86HEen7e9AefPHyPXyp5x5Nz9f68NI3uq1y7jBGc1lzNxbuhYmaZ9keOFMjZkn6sQaNdjUAlCBC18QS8MU6Tg_jgrDkbNVlaIXsAibCNpg2klJTHnA71Te2ZEMKaqZ_kHA/s400/DST-spring.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5448338900653538802" border="0" /></a>Courtesy of <a href="http://twitter.com/Lileks/status/10454115165">Lileks Twitter feed</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com51tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-7770162515128627672010-03-12T02:01:00.002-05:002010-03-12T02:08:58.276-05:00Florida provides more proof that nature hates us<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.heraldtribune.com/apps/pbcsi.dll/bilde?Site=SH&Date=20100306&Category=ARTICLE&ArtNo=3061028&Ref=AR&MaxW=250&border=0"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 250px; height: 336px;" src="http://www.heraldtribune.com/apps/pbcsi.dll/bilde?Site=SH&Date=20100306&Category=ARTICLE&ArtNo=3061028&Ref=AR&MaxW=250&border=0" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">What kind of proof, you ask?<br /><br /><a href="http://www.heraldtribune.com/article/20100306/ARTICLE/3061028/0/NEWS"><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Rabid otter mauls Venice walker, 96</span></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">The otter is normally thought of as a reasonably adorable creature. Except in Florida, where they attack the elderly. Yes, a 96-year-old man was brutally savaged by a rabid 3-foot-long otter.<br /><br />Fortunately for the victim, instead of being discovered by your average sun and crack-addled Floridian, a good Samaritan came to his aid. Here's the money quote from the 911 call:<br /></span><p style="display: block;" class="pagpag1"><span style="font-size:130%;"><blockquote>"There's a man on the ground with an otter on him..He's lost a lot of blood. This otter is nonstop...Please hurry."</blockquote></span></p><p style="display: block;" class="pagpag1"><span style="font-size:130%;">They finally beat the otter senseless with a shovel. The victim survived; the otter's condition is unknown.</span></p><p style="display: block;" class="pagpag1"><span style="font-size:130%;">Florida--if it's not the alligators, it's the g*ddam otters...</span><br /></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com43tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-79299740548092999662010-02-21T15:42:00.005-05:002010-02-21T15:49:22.229-05:00Sunday morning<span style="font-size:130%;">Tonight we're taking my mom to see Kris Kristofferson and Merle Haggard. I've listened to their music for years, since I was a little kid, but I've never seen either one of them live.<br /><br />Today was the first Sunday of Lent, and it's put me in a pensive mood. I've been thinking about all the ways in which I've been blessed, usually through no effort of my own, but instead by the goodness and grace of people around me. I'm a very grateful man, but I have a lot of work to do. There are times, I think, when we all feel separated from the person we know we should be or the life we want to be living.<br /><br />For whatever reason, this song always comes up at times like this.<br /><br /><object width="445" height="364"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_RLiuPRMJy8&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&border=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_RLiuPRMJy8&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="445" height="364"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com52tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-38823653047658158272010-02-16T23:38:00.003-05:002010-02-16T23:49:51.471-05:00It's head-shavin' time again<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwQzn_F8B8RAnyPi5x5yLSHY_1crK-n5lpkwRZ4Qbt9T71LXvIs2vssH92fUvASb5CCQYT4tmpzpY6hXKqU15Q0FKozS85PjK72zIpVPAOKFqScQfTI3vQkOzGqjF3UUErQQxPnQ/s1600-h/St+Baldrick%27s+Before.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 216px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwQzn_F8B8RAnyPi5x5yLSHY_1crK-n5lpkwRZ4Qbt9T71LXvIs2vssH92fUvASb5CCQYT4tmpzpY6hXKqU15Q0FKozS85PjK72zIpVPAOKFqScQfTI3vQkOzGqjF3UUErQQxPnQ/s320/St+Baldrick%27s+Before.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5439069986851132850" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Well, let's give this a try. It's time to raise money for the St. Baldrick's Foundation, and I've volunteered to get my head shaved again if folks will pay good money to see it happen.<br /><br />What is St. Baldrick's Foundation and why should you give them some money?<br /><br /><a href="http://www.stbaldricks.org/">St. Baldrick's Foundation</a> funds more in childhood cancer research grants than any other organization except the United States government. 74.5% of the money they raise goes to research grants, 21.8% goes to fundraising, and only 3.7% goes to administrative costs. That's pretty good.<br /><br />The dye is out and my hair has long since returned to it's natural gray, but there's still plenty of it to be chopped off.<br /><br />After last year's unfortunate realization that <a href="http://sprawlingramshacklecompound.blogspot.com/2009/04/you-talking-to-me.html">I look less like Travis Bickle and more like Bert or one of those pinheads from Freaks when I have a mohawk</a>, I won't let the barber stop this year until I'm bald as a cue ball.</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br />Anyway, if you have even $5 to spare and you'd like to donate to a good cause, please <a href="http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/participantid/375489">visit my fundraising site here</a>.<br /><br />Thanks!<br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com43tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-60543022433445391182010-01-11T10:30:00.004-05:002010-01-11T10:54:13.949-05:00Mayor gets freaky at Waffle House & a huffer sues everybody<span style="font-size:130%;">Happy New Year everyone!<br /><br />Meet Joel Napier and his female acquaintance Cynthie Casper:<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhplnfBAOXF4cpkzTiZPVvg_hooLB0Yj-MR7LhZ_sig5Q-6eoI5OF1TicOZW_38z6eI-IcBoryM9BNzKH-6mZcqRmHs0q7N2kOiqTb4RXC0tY9ptUWxQrdYLFUXeW60bsulZNDqAw/s1600-h/napier_casper.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 226px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhplnfBAOXF4cpkzTiZPVvg_hooLB0Yj-MR7LhZ_sig5Q-6eoI5OF1TicOZW_38z6eI-IcBoryM9BNzKH-6mZcqRmHs0q7N2kOiqTb4RXC0tY9ptUWxQrdYLFUXeW60bsulZNDqAw/s320/napier_casper.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5425510449610690946" border="0" /></a><br /></div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />Joel Napier is the mayor (at least for now) of Taylor, Alabama, population 1,898. The couple was <a href="http://www2.dothaneagle.com/dea/news/local/article/taylor_mayor_arrested_for_public_lewdness/117861/">arrested for public lewdness after they were caught getting busy in a car</a> parked in front of a local Waffle House. The article mentions that it was also next door to a Days Inn. I guess fooling around in back behind the dumpsters and grease trap, while more discrete, just wasn't romantic enough.<br /><br />When the officer rolled up and witnessed what the article said was "<span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">serious foreplay</span>" Ms. Casper was naked, and Mayor Napier was in his Pooh Bear costume: shirt only, no pants. The report does not indicate whether alcohol was involved.<br /></span><div style="text-align: center;">_____________________<br /></div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />Longtime readers of this blog (and fans of hilarious mugshots) may remember <a href="http://sprawlingramshacklecompound.blogspot.com/2007/07/summertime-and-huffing-is-easy.html">gold-faced Patrick Tribett</a>:<br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd93v91FWz2_zCJDuNeTJPpG8gR1PGG4_nS6J9vDY9PtS-W-R9Ub_V7YrwHsOUo1whthwoFnT0Fovij6Une7nhFD9tWo-0p8KsKaB0994d6fOKsgqAX6dg09ZrBbLXyFDW0z-Y2A/s1600-h/tribettmug1.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 274px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd93v91FWz2_zCJDuNeTJPpG8gR1PGG4_nS6J9vDY9PtS-W-R9Ub_V7YrwHsOUo1whthwoFnT0Fovij6Une7nhFD9tWo-0p8KsKaB0994d6fOKsgqAX6dg09ZrBbLXyFDW0z-Y2A/s320/tribettmug1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5425510742624398738" border="0" /></a><br /><br /></div><span style="font-size:130%;">Mr. Tribett recently celebrated 8 weeks of sobriety by retaining a lawyer to file lawsuits against several businesses that used his mugshot for commercial purposes:<br /><br /><a href="http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/arresting-tales/2010/01/nations-most-famous-huffer-sues-everybody.html"><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Nation's most famous huffer sues everybody</span></a><br /></span><div style="text-align: center;">_____________________<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">That's all for today. See you later, alligators.</span><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-88586147537761807332009-12-07T10:50:00.004-05:002009-12-07T10:58:31.020-05:00December 7: a day that will live in infamy<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoFUPVW5onRZczZN8RwLKBFcSF85v_UjNa4wUzcrZCfMz9gVeOiCSql9feVva8SQtNTaSIDGo9oVUJxbcswK_MALO5JVECuMcVNqyCuGprxS0fXIvxeDF-nO7iMwHuYKxnj_nm1Q/s1600-h/PearlHarbor2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 254px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoFUPVW5onRZczZN8RwLKBFcSF85v_UjNa4wUzcrZCfMz9gVeOiCSql9feVva8SQtNTaSIDGo9oVUJxbcswK_MALO5JVECuMcVNqyCuGprxS0fXIvxeDF-nO7iMwHuYKxnj_nm1Q/s320/PearlHarbor2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5412523378786565330" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Today is the 68th anniversary of the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attack_on_Pearl_Harbor">Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor</a>.</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe9AnEwytLQfqaY7jYmkD2ETZ2pe5vfksi8LH5Js8LOmQgSXotCb__3IYTpDSQEUesgZOTFL2MbvCNCmhG53vWXq-76Ox90OXjQN2SOFGrQz447aFGpOYLtmta0jOJbn06Aguuig/s1600-h/remember_pearl.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 257px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe9AnEwytLQfqaY7jYmkD2ETZ2pe5vfksi8LH5Js8LOmQgSXotCb__3IYTpDSQEUesgZOTFL2MbvCNCmhG53vWXq-76Ox90OXjQN2SOFGrQz447aFGpOYLtmta0jOJbn06Aguuig/s320/remember_pearl.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5412524012861075058" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">If only we had responded as well to the sneak attack of September 11th...</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-76103339929515910182009-11-26T10:59:00.003-05:002009-11-26T11:18:26.487-05:00Happy Thanksgiving! What's on the menu?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaC7xaHgVBo8APCwGHjxquSz-aezSHZWo5k5xExGe8Hg0ojVU52734qlMexcbkvEEPgO3iygELNlul8ufEuzsYLG-RjOZbJI4wqLnS6AHQz6UigwgtWcgoY0F7nOo8uZxrllSe5Q/s1600/thanksgivingindian.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 254px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaC7xaHgVBo8APCwGHjxquSz-aezSHZWo5k5xExGe8Hg0ojVU52734qlMexcbkvEEPgO3iygELNlul8ufEuzsYLG-RjOZbJI4wqLnS6AHQz6UigwgtWcgoY0F7nOo8uZxrllSe5Q/s320/thanksgivingindian.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408446850326169746" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I love being the first one up on a holiday and having a little time to organize and enjoy the quiet.<br /><br />After last weekend's 2-day long bacchanal (MizBubs' brothers and their families have gathered at our house for an early Thanksgiving each year for the past 6 or 7 years) during which we fed 27 for dinner on Saturday, and then had brunch for 15 on Sunday, today's Thanksgiving celebration will be a breeze.<br /><br />So what are we serving up here at the compound on this glorious holiday?<br /><br /></span><ul><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Appetizers: mini-tarts with onion and mushroom, and celery stuffed with blue cheese</span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Corn bread</span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Chopped salad<br /></span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;"><a href="http://whatscookingamerica.net/History/Sandwiches/HotBrownSandwich.htm">Hot Brown sandwiches</a> (the family elected to skip the whole turkey and do this instead, it's a Kentucky recipe and a family favorite)</span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Mashed potatoes and gravy, because kids demand it at every holiday. I'm roasting the garlic for the potatoes as I type</span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Roasted sweet potato rounds</span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Brussels sprouts with caramelized onions and pecans</span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Southern style green beans</span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Corn pudding</span></li><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Dessert: apple pie, pumpkin pie and a monstrous chocolate cake. I mean monstrous in a good way.</span></li></ul><span style="font-size:130%;">I'm trying out a little something new in the bourbon department. They had <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/05/22/red-stag-jim-beam-rolls-o_n_206943.html">Red Stag </a>on sale at the Jewel's, and I thought I'd try using the black cherry-infused bourbon to make old-fashioned cocktails before dinner.<br /><br />I hope that whatever trials you've been through will ease for you, and whatever burdens you carry might be lifted. Please accept our wishes to you all for a very warm and peaceful Thanksgiving.<br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-69153401549703838732009-11-26T08:29:00.001-05:002009-11-26T08:31:53.284-05:00Happy Thanksgiving, baby<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQhDMJD70H294HKHJK7Zo-oCBDuP6OrTSFv1WiM0zZbZO-RY4MQJh8FfCKj1SPj_QByX9hLYkyQjTxxXIE6OuVpKt5LXB1og12xK4F_Ft4oPNlfzNg0sUhn0JoJ9_Ox_rmFK2sLg/s1600/Sinatra+thanksgiving.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 312px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQhDMJD70H294HKHJK7Zo-oCBDuP6OrTSFv1WiM0zZbZO-RY4MQJh8FfCKj1SPj_QByX9hLYkyQjTxxXIE6OuVpKt5LXB1og12xK4F_Ft4oPNlfzNg0sUhn0JoJ9_Ox_rmFK2sLg/s400/Sinatra+thanksgiving.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408404426039452306" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />Hope you have a swinging Thanksgiving.<br /><br />You're platinum. Each and every one of you, you get me?</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-13857707058329583102009-11-17T01:05:00.002-05:002009-11-17T01:06:41.594-05:00STRAP ON THAT FEEDBAG, CLOWN<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH4hFRblIbxCced3tnra_PyCEe7kKZevo6vAz5XPzc6cXg5dsEvCDxvOV_D-VjDPivZqMWYYwgmhtSr5iVo3CctOXcdFPNin9acZL1HeGtplvweFa1xkbgtVgRUxxmz1qxpS0cfw/s1600/clown+sandwich.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 251px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH4hFRblIbxCced3tnra_PyCEe7kKZevo6vAz5XPzc6cXg5dsEvCDxvOV_D-VjDPivZqMWYYwgmhtSr5iVo3CctOXcdFPNin9acZL1HeGtplvweFa1xkbgtVgRUxxmz1qxpS0cfw/s400/clown+sandwich.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5404949891369759074" border="0" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com34tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27540291.post-21043413463672615712009-10-31T17:14:00.002-04:002009-10-31T17:15:42.902-04:00How's your Halloween so far?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGdNRqDr5hVaPD5DyUBzKIlSXKnMT6ihyAjnfMRUk1DkGMfj1FMU_9SDIZvedS9-Y4kHsMWxT2xZR0bdoKAqsXVe_QEzMnyueay6AAR719i5uUGH7AlJb5aXBXqulUNZhUV5BlCA/s1600-h/clown+doll+head.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 318px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGdNRqDr5hVaPD5DyUBzKIlSXKnMT6ihyAjnfMRUk1DkGMfj1FMU_9SDIZvedS9-Y4kHsMWxT2xZR0bdoKAqsXVe_QEzMnyueay6AAR719i5uUGH7AlJb5aXBXqulUNZhUV5BlCA/s400/clown+doll+head.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5398875715151321362" border="0" /></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11