Thursday, May 25, 2006

At least alligators can't fly

So I'm at Fort Myers beach, doing my best to continue with my healing regimen of sunbathing while soaking in ocean water and rum. I've had a splendid time floating in the ocean, watching brown pelicans swooping and diving nearby, when I remember that it's time to put money in the parking meter.

I walked back to the car, and as I walked under a group of palm trees, right next to an educational display about sea turtles, I felt a sudden sharp "whack" in the back of my head. Accompanied by a loud screeching and a dark flapping in my peripheral vision. Then I felt something on the back of my neck and a series of sharp pokes to the back of my head, like someone jabbing me with a car key. I dropped onto my knees about the same time I realized I was being attacked. By birds. At the seashore, just like Hitchcock's movie. I began waving my arms around and ducked my head, and saw I was being harassed by two crows and some funny looking brown bird with spindly legs and a long, pointy beak. I made it to the car and they let up, and I looked over to see some guy sitting in his car gaping at me and my birds. I fed the meter and took the long way back to the beach, undisturbed. The guy in the car was still sitting there as I walked away, apparently afraid to get out. When I got to the stairs leading down to the sand, I saw a woman get pecked on the back of her head, once, as her friend shrieked. I told her I fell down when it happened to me, so she should be thankful she at least kept her dignity under bird attack.

I got back to the beach and told everyone what happened. No one believed me. I waded back into the soothing waters to nurse my wounds, hoping that sharks can't smell human bird fear.

When I came back, Miz Bubs and my cousins excitedly told me that they had seen the demon birds, and that a group of about a half-dozen blackbirds were busy attacking tourists as I had described. We spent the next half hour watching a steady procession of crying children and fat sunbaked Europeans learning the hard lesson that nature, especially in Florida, hates us all.

1 comment:

Magi said...

I was in Boston when I got notice from you that you're blogging and, now home, haven't a moment to spare as I attempt to transform the yard from "white-trash/trailer-park-on-meth" to "Eh, it's not horrible" before the big graduation bash (keg and boxed wine....woooHOOO!) so I've only been able to scan the archives briefly. Ate up what little I saw.

Got done putting another coat of porch paint on the basement stairs and sat down here to relax before I haul my buns to bed and GODAMMIT, JOE! I don't have time for this!

!@#$@%$#^%$#^!!!! I thought I was home free when I heard Colbert was taking a couple of weeks off. I never seem to get back in gear after I sit down for those 30 minutes. And now... YOU! Sheesh.

Please stop being so entertaining until after June 3rd.

Yours truly,

(muhahahahah! it's a black BIRD! I think?)