It's Wednesday!

And you know what that means, don't you?

Weenie Wavers!

First up is this video of an unknown man freaking out on a NYC subway. Because of the profanity, racial slurs and spinning pink propeller it is most definitely not safe for work.



This video proves a couple of my theories:

1) Nudity--especially male nudity--is hilarious, creepy or terrifying far more often than it is sexy, and,

2) Cops would really rather not go hands-on with a naked person. There are quite a few videos of cops dealing with crazy naked people in which the cops don't use nearly as much force as they should. I think it's some combination of the "ick" factor, and a misplaced idea of fair play that tells an officer a naked person is somehow vulnerable, and it wouldn't be sporting to use force on them.

On to the ladies now.

I have not yet come up with a catchy phrase to describe lady flashers, but I am open to suggestions.

Meet Maribel Gomez:

Ms. Gomez was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct after she allegedly exposed her breasts to a 10-year-old boy waiting for a school bus and asked him "are you ready". The victim was not "ready", and Ms. Gomez apparently chased him for a little while before being arrested. She was initially charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition; her attorney successfully argued that breasts are not sexual organs and the charge was amended to disorderly conduct. The judge revoked bond on an earlier cocaine possession case and Ms. Gomez remained in custody.

The Sun-Sentinel has a collection of other Florida cases (yes, there are more than 3) involving school-related indecent exposure.

Kara Mitchell, the woman with the winning smile pictured at left, was arrested after she decided to strip naked and dance around Mesa Cemetery. She then got dressed, sat and talked to herself for a while, and was later found by police sitting in a golf cart. The article assures us that no children were present.

Hey...anybody there?

It's been a while hasn't it?

Five years ago my kids talked me into starting a blog. I started by spilling my guts, and moved on from there. Quite a few things have happened since then.

For starters, we're all five years older.

My hobby blog led to some fun opportunities. I had a pretty good run as a paid blogger and got to hear myself on the radio a few times, that was kinda cool. While I was all full of myself and letting my head swell I kind of neglected things around here.

So now I'm cleaning out the cobwebs, chasing off the snakes and opening the windows to air things out here at the Compound. I don't want to make any money, I don't want any public notice (beyond a few dozen friends and family), and I don't want to write about anything police-related--unless, of course, it involves alligators, weenie-wavers or predatory clowns. And maybe amputees.

I'll start with a couple of items that caught my attention this week.

Meet Mark Thompson of wild, wonderful West Virginia:


I'll just quote the lead from this article in the Charleston Gazette:

Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor's pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal...

Believe me when I tell you that there are more details in the article, and it gets weirder.

Just because I stopped writing about it doesn't mean that the ongoing war between alligators and humankind has stopped, or even slowed--as a matter of fact, I see clear indicators that it might be escalating. Example:

A kill-crazy alligator in Gainesville, Florida, recently attacked a marked police car, clamping down and seizing the bumper of the patrol car in its deadly jaws:



I got this last one courtesy of Lisa Golden, an old blogging chum, via Twitter. The story originates in (of course) Florida, and sports one of the best leads I've seen:

Floridians are going to have to start pulling up their pants and stop having sex with animals soon.

Florida recently passed two pieces of legislation--one aims at ending the state's nightmarish epidemic of human-animal sexual relations, and the other aims at getting young men to pull their damn pants up.

That's all for now. We have a big weekend coming up: the Kentucky Derby on Saturday, and Mother's Day on Sunday. I'm digging through my photo archives for suitable material.

Have a great day, and thanks for stopping by.

Mayor gets freaky at Waffle House & a huffer sues everybody

Happy New Year everyone!

Meet Joel Napier and his female acquaintance Cynthie Casper:

Joel Napier is the mayor (at least for now) of Taylor, Alabama, population 1,898. The couple was arrested for public lewdness after they were caught getting busy in a car parked in front of a local Waffle House. The article mentions that it was also next door to a Days Inn. I guess fooling around in back behind the dumpsters and grease trap, while more discrete, just wasn't romantic enough.

When the officer rolled up and witnessed what the article said was "serious foreplay" Ms. Casper was naked, and Mayor Napier was in his Pooh Bear costume: shirt only, no pants. The report does not indicate whether alcohol was involved.

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Longtime readers of this blog (and fans of hilarious mugshots) may remember gold-faced Patrick Tribett:

Mr. Tribett recently celebrated 8 weeks of sobriety by retaining a lawyer to file lawsuits against several businesses that used his mugshot for commercial purposes:

Nation's most famous huffer sues everybody

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That's all for today. See you later, alligators.

Even furries have standards

"...we can't have that going on at the furmeet"

Excerpt from a text message sent to Richael Michels, a 45 year old Fort Collins mother accused of introducing her daughter's 16-year-old ex-boyfriend to the "furry lifestyle" and having sex with him. The text was sent by a fellow furry who disapproved of the conduct.



Richael was known to her victim as "Kitteh".

Do not want.

Got plans for this weekend?

If you don't, you still have time to make it to Anthrocon 2009, billed as "the galaxy's largest furry convention!" July 2-5 at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center in Pittsburgh.

I know, you thought Pittsburgh was all yinzers, Primanti Brothers sandwiches, zombies, and Andy Warhol.

No. It's so much more than that. When you get there, say hi to Pam and Mister Tuggles.

Summertime Dilemma

What do you do when it's unbearably hot or muggy outside? Or when you can't go outside because of those intense midwestern thunderstorms? What do you do? What do you do?

Well, one idea is to cool off in the basement of your parent's house and play with all your awesome stuff:

It's Weenie Waver Wednesday!

It's been a while, hasn't it? Let's get to it:

Garrett Scheg was arrested after leading police on a brief chase in his porno'd-out van. West Seneca, NY police checked out a suspicious vehicle and found Mr. Scheg in the back seat of his van, wearing only one sock, with "pornographic photos spread across the front seat and dashboard." Scheg took off, chased by police, and was eventually captured hiding on top of an abandoned travel trailer. The report does not indicate on which appendage Scheg was wearing his sock. And it appears Scheg might be a serial offender:

“There had been a prior report of a person matching his description with this kind of behavior,” (Lt. Patrick) Shea said. “We’re pretty sure it’s the same guy.”

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To the Lumberyard



Meet Sara Ann Fazio, entertainer and proud Iowan. When Ms. Fazio was arrested for drunk driving she was uncooperative, and told her passenger to "call the police". Once she arrived at the Des Moines Police Department she decided to take off all her clothes. Her place of employment is listed on the report as The Lumberyard, a local strip club.

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Drunk and naked is no way to be found in a Tokyo park if you're Japanese pop star Tsuyoshi Kusanagi. When police arrived to investigate a noise complaint they found Kusanagi "alone and shrieking at the top of his voice". He reportedly asked investigating officers "what's wrong with being naked?"

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Why Florida will always be a good source of stories



MSNBC gets credit for the best headline of the week:

Sex Doll Threesome Man Gets Off

George Bartusek was featured on this blog in February, after he was observed getting busy with two blowup dolls in his parked car. He was parked in front of the Publix supermarket at the time.

Mr. Bartusek was recently sentenced, and he avoided jail time. He got 6 months probation, and he'll have to do all his future shopping at Kroger or Winn Dixie--he's been banned from Publix. Yes, you heard that right--if you want to get naked in a parking lot full of people and f*ck a couple of blowup dolls in your car, in full view of the public, and you don't want to get locked up, Florida is the place to be.

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Meet Paul William Kizer of Halsey, Oregon. Mr. Kizer failed to learn one of life's most basic lessons--getting naked and driving, and then screaming at the police, is one of the surest ways in the world to get yourself tasered. Kizer also had an outstanding warrant for an earlier DUI. Word of advice to aspiring traffic arrestees: if you're going to get naked and scream at the police, leave your bag o' weed at home.

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Next up is the hilariously named Johnathan Fredrick Felch, 23, of San Luis Obispo. Mr. Felch will now forevermore be known as "The Naked Wizard" following his unfortunate encounter with police at the recent Coachella Festival. Mr. Felch, apparently intoxicated, decided to discard his wizard garb and put his micropenis on display for the whole world to see. After refusing repeated requests by the police to put his clothes back on, and then repeated refusal to be handcuffed, Mr. Felch got tasered.

Here's a link to the uncensored video: Naked Wizard Tased by Reality. It is definitely NSFW, which is why I don't have it embedded here. I am fascinated by the wildly differing views of the incident in the comments following the video.

And, finally, this public service announcement, courtesy of the Gaston Gazette:



Don't have sex in the Walmart parking lot in Gastonia, North Carolina. Just don't.

You talking to me?

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here."

I forgot my aviator glasses, but MizBubs said that didn't really matter anyway. According to her, I look less like this:

And more like this:



My brother John, on the other hand, just texted me and asked "where's Ernie?"

Girls kissing

Oh yeah. I forgot to mention clown boy.

It's nice to be thought of...

Yesterday was one of those strange plate of shrimp days. The lattice of coincidence made several connections.

On the one hand, it's nice to know that readers and friends think of me and are quick to send stories that they think I'll get a kick out of, or use here for material. On the other hand, it's a sobering moment when you realize that when people see a story about predatory clowns or goat f*cking, you're the first person they think of. Take that, high school teachers who thought I'd never amount to anything!

Yesterday, March 13, was the 29th anniversary of the conviction of famous clown and Democratic precinct captain John Wayne Gacy. I thought that was a nice opportunity for a creepy clown post.

Before I could get started, I got an email from noted ghost hunter Marni alerting me that Stephen King's IT is about to be released on the big screen. You can thank her for the nice picture at the top of this post.

Splotchy sent me a BoingBoing link titled Mark Dery's Pyrotechnic Insanitarium Revival. You can thank them for reminding me of one of my favorite clown pictures, which I offer to you here:

Mark Dery is the author of The Pyrotechnic Insanitarium: American Culture on the Brink, a rollicking millenial nightmare published in 1999. He has recently put an essay from that book up on the interwebs in readable PDF format. It's titled Cotton Candy Autopsy: Deconstructing Psycho Killer Clowns. Enjoy the read.

Then another email from my favorite provocative and occasionally potty-mouthed pastry chef Jin. She thoughtfully updated me on the Florida legislature's ongoing efforts to make bestiality illegal. The case featured in the article involved a man who was arrested but never charged after asphyxiating Meg the Goat during copulation. He was prosecuted after another kidnapping (heh) several months later.

Yes, Florida currently has no law against bestiality. They've been working on addressing this problem for more than a year, and still haven't arrived at a suitable piece of legislation. The last time Florida's "anything goes" bestiality problem was in the news was in April 2008, when blind man Alan Yoder was arrested for sodomizing his guide dog. I profiled his case, and a few others, here.

I have no good closer for this, so I'll leave you with Crispin Glover. Have a nice day.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"It’s kind of a mixed bag. He takes her to his house, holds her captive, handcuffs her. We don’t know what the diapers are about. And then he’s reading the Bible to her. I don’t know."

-Toledo Police Department Captain Ray Carroll, discussing the arrest of Troy Ian Brisport for felonious assault and kidnapping.

Meet 34 year old Troy Ian Brisport of Toledo, Ohio:



Troy Ian Brisport is this week's Freak of the Week.

Brisport picked up a 22 year old homeless woman in Detroit, and offered her a place to stay. Once he got her back to his apartment he handcuffed her, undressed her, and put her in a diaper. Over the next three days he read Bible passages to her, and occasionally attempted to suffocate her with a pillow and blanket. Both Brisport and the victim, when interviewed by investigators, denied that they had any sexual contact.

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On, Wisconsin!

The runner-up for Freak of the Week is Steven Marcsis, Jr. of Racine, Wisconsin.



For reasons known only to himself and the demons in his head, Steven was found "performing a sex act inside a trash bin" at an elementary school. The police were there to investigate some computer thefts and became suspicious when they saw the dumpster lid close. Steven, who lives with his mother, had a camera and some "lewd pictures" with him. Steven also had a bunch of child porn and a list of names and addresses of 500 girls back at his mom's place.

No one on the list has reported having any contact with Steven. Authorities stated that, since this was Wisconsin, they were relieved that there was no necrophilia or cannibalism involved.

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There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

-William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"

Now there's more things in Tennessee
Than is dreamed of in your philosophy.

-Lux Interior, "Cornfed Dames"

This can't wait until Wednesday

Meet George Bartusek, Jr. of Cape Coral, Florida:



Mr. Bartusek has a thing for the ladies. The blow-up ladies. He was arrested after he was seen getting busy with a couple of blow-up dolls while parked in front of a local Publix supermarket.

Bartusek pulled into the very first space, apparently to achieve maximum exposure, and was asked several times to leave by the store manager. Police noted that Bartusek was wearing shorts with "a large opening in the front" and was not wearing underwear. He told police that he was there to buy clothing for his dolls at a nearby Target.

The article thoughtfully included this crime scene photo, courtesy of the Cape Coral Police Department:

Weenie Waver Wednesday, and a new American hero

I found this story a little too late to include it in last week's post. This is a perfect entry for Weenie Waver Wednesday! and it also introduces an excellent candidate for the SRC Prepared American Hero Hall of Fame.

First, the weenie waver.

Meet 46 year old Michael Dick of Gresham, Oregon:



Mr. Dick sauntered, naked, into the Troutdale home of an 88 year old woman at 6:30 in the morning. He "didn't say a word; he just followed her around the room and kept pushing himself against her". He shoved the woman face first into a chair, and then here's where the prepared American hero part comes in.

The 88 year old woman gave Mr. Dick a reverse reach-around, clamping down firmly on Mr. Dick's scrotum and squeezing until he ceased his frottage and ran out of the house. He was arrested a short time later. There's a lovely interview with the woman, identified only as "Jennifer", here:

49 year old Steven Jeffrey Fass of Simpsonville, South Carolina, insomniac and Lexus driver, was stopped by police after being reported for fondling himself while driving naked. When the police stopped him he was sans shirt and shoes, and had a bottle of baby oil and some boxer shorts on the front seat next to him.

This is Roger Arnold of Okeechobee, Florida:



Roger sidled up to the counter of a gas station with a bag of pretzels in front of his crotch, and then exposed himself to the 17 year old girl working the register. The girl stated "that he made several movements to bring her attention to his exposed parts as he lifted his T-shirt and adjusted himself" before leaving the store.

Roger returned 3 days later, and this time the police arrived. According to this article,
Roger

"explained he'd been having zipper issues "as his pants were too tight and the zipper kept going down on its own...He also stated that he guessed it was a bad idea not to wear underwear that day..."

I'll close out this week's feature with the case of Jeffrey Pickett:

Jeffrey Pickett is an aspiring mixed martial arts fighter. He was looking for someone to fight with, and he went to the parking lot of the Walmart in Covington, Georgia. He said he wanted to "practice his tap outs". Believing that it would be easier to find someone to fight with him if he was naked, Mr. Pickett undressed in the parking lot and stood next to his car, waiting for an adversary. The Covington Police Department arrested him for public indecency and he's now awaiting trial in the Newton County Jail.

Looking back to look ahead: Threat assessment 2009

Sometimes the work just becomes too much. Sorting through dozens of Google news alerts on an hourly basis, scanning the RSS feeds of various news outlets in Florida, working my network of informants...you get the idea. I end up with more source material than time to share it with you.

Consider this post a new year grab bag of menace and freakery, a loose collection of items that caught my attention but that didn't make their way onto these pages. Until now. Or maybe it's more of a big, greasy buffet--feel free to take your time, leave for a while, and come back later for more. Take some time and follow a few of the links. There's a lot here, and you probably won't feel too good if you consume it all at once.

If the brave new science of narcozoology tells us anything, it's that anecdotal evidence is usually the best evidence. This allows yours truly to boldly identify future trends and threats based on the vast sweep of my prior research.

Here we go...

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We begin in Florida. In addition to being afflicted by alligator attacks, plagues of walking fish, pythons and insect infestation, Florida is now a hot zone for two emerging crime patterns:

1) Hammer vs edged weapon duels: The first incident was reported here in October 2008, when an argument between two men escalated. One man grabbed a hammer and started swinging; his opponent grabbed a letter opener and stabbed away. The stabber came out on top.

Now, in a stunning development, a similar incident has been reported in Panama City Beach. This contest ended in a draw--James Allen Spray suffered head injuries at the hands of hammer-wielder Richard Charles Burger, but in turn inflicted knife wounds on the stomach of Mr. Burger.

2) Food as weapon: While arguments over food frequently result in domestic battery in sun-baked, crack addled Florida, there have been several recent incidents in which food is not the subject of the fight, but rather the weapon used to win it. Three such incidents were reported within a two-week period between November 18 and December 3, 2008:

Meet 19 year old Emmanuel Rodriguez.



Mr. Rodriguez got in an argument with his baby mama after she picked Mr. Rodriguez up at his mom's house. Baby mama was driving, and their 7 month old child was asleep in the back seat. The couple argued, and Mr. Rodriguez hit baby mama in the face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off and almost causing her to crash the car. Mr. Rodriguez told police he threw the sandwich at her because he didn't want to hit her.

Happy Thanksgiving, bitch!

46 year old Christopher Ford of Hobe Sound, Florida, was not making a political statement with his pie throwing.

On Thanksgiving day Mr. Ford was unhappy with the food that had been prepared by his live-in girlfriend of seven years. In order to express his displeasure he picked up a delicious, but piping hot, sweet potato pie and threw it in the victim's face, burning her. He ran off when her teenage children came out of their rooms to investigate and was arrested later.



Victor Gonzalez, 22, of Vero Beach, repeatedly smashed a McDonald's cheeseburger into his girlfriend's face during an argument.

**Note: There was an apparently unrelated incident in Ypsilanti, Michigan, in June 2008. In that case 40 year old Frederick McKaney stabbed his mother when she wouldn't give him money. He rode away on his bicycle and

"A short time later, he encountered two other women talking on the sidewalk on Woodbridge Street. The woman said he said something nasty to them and hit one of them over the head with 10 pounds of frozen chicken."

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Some citizens in Florida are turning to cougar ownership (the four-legged kind) as a crime deterrent. A 70 pound pet cougar named "Chaos" mauled a 16 year old girl when her male companion burglarized the house the where the cougar lived, and brought a girlfriend inside to show off the cat.

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I'm thinking of giving an annual "PREPARED AMERICAN" award to honor people who best exemplify that plucky can-do American survivalist spirit. A couple years back a veteran named Dale Rippy was attacked by a wild bobcat. Enduring the animal's biting and clawing, he managed to grab the beast by its throat and choke it to death. Now joining Mr. Rippy in the SRC Hall of Prepared American Heroes is Arizona hiker Michelle Felicetta.

Ms. Felicetta was hiking near Prescott when she was confronted in the trail by a fox. When she saw the blood lust in the creature's eyes she tried to back away, but the fox attacked. It attacked her foot, and then sank its fangs into her arm. Did Ms. Felicetta panic? HELL NO SHE DIDN'T! She grabbed the fox in a chokehold and ran a mile back to her car, with the fox hanging from her arm by its fangs. She pried the fox loose, wrapped it in a sweatshirt and trapped it in the trunk of her car so she could get it tested for rabies. The fox was rabid, by the way.

The Arizona incident was merely one in a brutal series of rabid fox attacks sweeping the nation. 66 year old Margaret Burhenn of Spottsylvania, Virginia, was ambushed in her own back yard and nearly chewed to pieces by a marauding rabid fox. An intrepid neighbor killed the beast with a shovel. Authorities reported that this was the third such incident in that region between January and May.

It goes without saying that nature hates us. While animals (except for alligators and certain exotic pets, of course) do not require the same high level of vigilance as, say, clowns or furries, they still bear watching. The following incidents might be seen by some as proof that the end times draw nearer.

In April 2008 over 70 Mexican police were hospitalized after a swarm of Africanized killer bees attacked their firearms range. Authorities suspect that Mexico's violent drug lords might have been behind the attack, raising the specter of killer Africanized narco-bees.

A group of Russian geologists was besieged by a platoon of over 30 hungry bears.

Mountain lions attempted to take advantage of the chaos caused by the fox attacks, and launched deadly missions of their own. The attempted cougar invasion of Chicago in April was well-publicized. The 150 pound scout cougar infiltrated the north side of Chicago after working its way south through the north suburbs. It died in a hail of police gunfire before it could inflict any human casualties. Less well-publicized was the stealthy attack launched by a ninja panther against a rural home in Newton County, Missouri. That effort also ended badly for the panther:

Panther Shot, Killed After Attacking Home

And now, back to Florida.

In addition to everything else, Florida now has a monkey problem as well. Troops of feral monkeys are rampaging through Polk County, Florida. There are two great quotes in this story:

"People don't know what they are," said Wehrmann, a St. Petersburg veterinarian. "People think they are squirrels."

"You don't think about monkeys in this part of Florida," said Clark, a retired agriculture teacher from Plant City High School.

Ok...first, your average Floridian can't tell the difference between a squirrel and a monkey. Second, monkeys in "this" part of Florida might be unusual? As opposed to all the other parts of Florida, where presumably they're just scampering around just as common as...uh...squirrels?

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I am currently exploring the nexus between Walmart and attacks by venomous insects and reptiles. I'm not sure what the connection is yet, but as soon as I have a working theory I'll let you know.

In March, a 44 year old man in Marana, Arizona, was bitten on the arm by a Western Diamondback Rattlesnake while attempting to purchase some lava rocks from his local Walmart.

In May, a 12 year old West Virginia girl was stung by a scorpion while picking out a juicy seedless watermelon at her local Walmart.

In July, a Pembroke Pines man (Florida again!) was bitten by a pygmy rattlesnake while buying plants from the Walmart garden center.

Walmart should have known they had a problem as far back as July 2006, when a wheelchair-bound man was bitten by a pygmy rattlesnake at the Sanford, Florida Walmart. I cannot believe that their failure to deal with their venomous insect and reptile problem has not resulted in a class-action lawsuit.

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This should not surprise any regular reader of this blog, but naked people continued to be one of the most serious threats of 2008. I expect this trend to continue, unabated, in 2009.

Legless, naked and drunk is no way to drive a car. Just ask John E. Carlon, who was arrested in Youngstown, Ohio in August after crashing into a couple of cars, while driving drunk and naked from the waist down. Perhaps he wasn't wearing pants because he doesn't have any legs. The report does not say.

Meet Holly Kay Highfield:



This picture was taken while Ms. Highfield was in the custody of the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office. While driving an SUV with three kids in it, she deliberately rammed a bicyclist. She then got into another car that had stopped to help the bicyclist, and smashed into her own car. At some point a 14 year old boyscout rescued the kids who were in Ms. Highfield's auto. Ms. Highfield then smashed the carjacked car into a fence, got out, and ran around in circles disrobing until she was naked. She fought with several officers, and remarkably enough did not get tasered.

Alcohol was involved.

This guy gives Bubs a bad name:

Mr. Bub Bamford, of Anderson, California, crashed his car on "Balls Ferry Road". He abandoned his car, and his injured passenger, and took off running. Bub was found by police hiding in a rosebush. Naked. Drunk.

An unknown man in Santa Ana, California, crashed his van into another car and drove away. When the police caught up with him he almost backed into the patrol car, and then refused to show his hands or exit the vehicle. After he was tasered, the cops discovered he was also naked.

Japanese police are, evidently, less likely to taser the naked. A bald white tourist threw rocks and charged police with a large stick before jumping into the moat in front of the Imperial Palace. Click here for the story and video hilarity.



This is a "wizzer" saw. Firefighters in Newburgh, New York, were called to a local hospital, and used one of these to cut a length of steel pipe off of an unknown 73-year old man's penis. In an example of wonderful emergency services understatement, "Authorities said the pipe was apparently an erotic aid, but did not elaborate".

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I've always thought of Australians as being a lot like American rednecks, but with a different accent. They certainly hold their own in the naked/drunk/reckless category compared to their American cousins:

An unknown Australian was arrested after repeatedly exposing himself, and firing a nail gun at passing motor vehicles.

Here is a new favorite headline, courtesy of The Daily Telegraph:

Driver abuses speed limit, and himself, court told

In brief: 39 year old Brendon Alan Erhardt, father of three, was stopped for driving 93 miles per hour. He was masturbating and video recording himself as he did so. In his car he had 5 kilograms of weed, two cannabis plants, some drug pipes and a loaded .22 rifle that he claimed he was using to shoot at passing kangaroos. He claimed to have found the weed at a rest stop, and said he was going to smoke it all himself. No self-taping high speed jerkoff artist would want anyone to think he's a common dope dealer.

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Christmas season in Florida:

Roy Ronald Rowell, Jr. of Destin was arrested after exposing himself to a family as they walked their dog on Christmas day. Roy used the old "hole cut out of the crotch of the running pants" technique, and got the victims' attention by saying "nice dog." Roy also exposed himself to the cop who arrived to arrest him.

43 year old Roderick Woodruff, transient, got his drink on at the beach in Siesta Key, and decided to expose himself to several women and children in the area. When police arrived he stripped totally naked, said that he didn't have to do what the police told him to since it was a public beach, and then threatened to kill the deputy. Here's his booking photo from the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office. Does this look like a drunk weenie-waver to you?

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Carrying the crazy into the new year is Provo, Utah resident Heather Lynn Best:



Heather went on a "nude rampage" involving broken dishes and furniture, an exotic bird, the neighbors and a fight with the cops. Methamphetamine.

Heather is now the second naked, rampaging woman from Utah to be featured here. In July, Rachel Joann Hanson was mentioned as part of Weenie Waver Wednesday!

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Then there's just the creepy. Not weenie wavers, drunks, or dope fiends or any combination of that. These are the people compelled by forces they don't comprehend, doing whatever the demons rattling around in their heads tell them to do.

People like:

Columbus, Ohio resident Alan D. Patton. Urine collector.

Ben Hawkins, 44, of Cincinnati. Underwear researcher.

Dmitriy Sklyarov, self-professed white supremacist, who left 13 bitemarks on a 9 year old child left in his care, and called a local high school to announce that he had placed black magic spells that would cause death for their teachers.

Stamford, Connecticut janitor Felicito Gonzalez, cheapskate and voyeur, who positioned a cell phone in a basket of toilet paper to take pictures of women in a train station restroom.



Hilariously-named Wesley Cox, 44, of Boulder, Colorado, freak and voyeur. Cox was caught trying to videotape his neighbors through their window. A subsequent search warrant discovered "a myriad of underwear and other items of clothing, including Boulder High School cheerleading outfits."

Make-believe dentist Carlos Flores of Peekskill, New York, who got arrested for running a fake dental practice and possession of controlled substances, while using tools like this to work on his "patients":

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I'm not going to go into the clown stuff now. Y'all have put up with enough of that in the past couple of days, and I don't want to lose readers. Alligators will get their own post in the near future.

Let's all take a deep breath, draw our shoulders back and greet the coming year with hope, fortitude and CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

And the winner is...

Thanks for playing everyone! I apologize for not getting the results posted sooner.

A few notes before we announce the winner. Germany or Florida is a difficult game, and guessing the correct answer is more of an art than a science. At the height of its popularity on the show Loveline, Dr. Drew got approximately 40% correct, and Adam Corolla 55%. In other words, you're doing really well if you approach anything over 50% accuracy.

As I have stated before, there are a number of subtle cultural clues that can help:

Sausage=Germany
Crack cocaine=Florida
Fetish or weird sex=Germany
Nudity=Germany
Monkeys=Germany
Inept criminals with poorly thought out plans=Florida
Cannibalism and/or body parts=Germany (Is this where Wisconsin gets it?)
Domestic violence=Florida
Pitbulls and/or gunplay=Florida
Religious zealotry=Florida

Incest and morbid obesity can go either way. It bears repeating, though, that none of these single clues are 100% accurate. Now, on to the winners of

Germany or Florida: Amputee Criminal Holiday Edition!

Third place was an impressive four-way tie among Skylersdad, Dale, Freida and Spartacus, with 8 correct answers. Well done, folks!

Second place was a tie between Bill T. and Bad Tempered Zombie, with 10 correct answers.

And the winner is...Eebie, with 11 correct answers! Eebie will be receiving a copy of Peeping Tom by Jack Woodford, published in 1948 by the Diversey Publishing Corporation of Chicago:



According to the back cover, this book is "uninhibited and racy." It must be, because an earlier owner underlined those very words:



I've printed the questions below, with the origin of each story highlighted at the end. My comments are in red. I liked the problem-solving strategies that a lot of readers used in the comments, too.

1) A man and woman got in an argument over her misplaced false teeth. The man gave her what she called “flying lessons”, throwing her up into the air and onto the kitchen floor. She grabbed a knife and threatened to kill him. FLORIDA
Classic domestic violence=Florida.

2) A pregnant woman wearing a cap, sunglasses and rubber gloves attempted to rob a bank. She also brought her toddler along. FLORIDA
The rubber gloves might have suggested a fetish angle (Germany) but the correct call was made by Bill T and Cormac Brown: the toddler. Cormac suggested, rightly, that daycare would have been available in Germany, and Bill seemed to grab the overall white-trashitude of bringing your kid along on a badly thought-out score.

3) Police officers sent to investigate a loud party were mistaken for strippers by the raucous female partygoers. GERMANY

4) A man was arrested after offering to pay for his takeout order with marijuana. FLORIDA FLORIDA FLORIDA

5) Parents want a teacher fired after she performed a striptease for her teenaged students. GERMANY
This was, perhaps, the toughest question. Hot teacher said Florida, but nudity says Germany. Her dance was captured on video:



6) A boy was blasted through the window of a bathroom after making a stinky poo, spraying air freshener to cover the smell, and playing with a lighter. GERMANY

7) A woman dropped by a man’s apartment to smoke some crack. While waiting, she opened some canned sardines and some sausages, enraging him. He beat her and got arrested. FLORIDA
Crack cocaine and interpersonal violence trump sardines and sausage, making Florida the correct call.

8) An unknown amputee, missing both arms, managed to steal a 24” television set. He got two people to assist in somehow clamping the television to his chest before walking out. He was not caught; the theft was discovered later after when the security video was reviewed. GERMANY
What I didn't make clear was that the two people who helped the offender were strangers to him. That made it a clear Germany story--a criminal in Florida who planned on the kindness of strangers would have been victimized himself.

9) A man in a wheelchair robbed a bank. He was captured minutes later, a block away from the bank. He initially told cops he was forced to do it by two armed men who took the money from him. The cash was found in his prosthetic leg. FLORIDA
Classic poorly thought out Florida crime. In this case, alcohol was involved:

10) A man turned on the gas in his apartment to kill himself after his girlfriend dumped him. When the girlfriend stopped by later to pick up her things, she lit a cigarette and caused an explosion. The man was charged with murder after his neighbor died in the explosion. GERMANY

11) This area is experiencing a critical shortage of shopping center Santas. Successful candidates need a “clean police record.” GERMANY
Another really tough choice.

12) A 37 year old man living with his parents was arrested for attempting to attack his father with the family Christmas tree. FLORIDA
Once again, domestic violence=Florida.

13) A 56 year old man was stripped of his gun license after a home inspection revealed the gun was hidden under a pillow in his bed. The man’s home was being checked because he had threatened to “throw a hand grenade” if the city council approved plans for a high voltage power line near his house. GERMANY
The most popular places to keep guns in Florida are where they are easily accessible. Places like under a pillow, or in a glove box of an unlocked car. While the crank threat against public officials sounds American, I can't imagine police in Florida inspecting a home for guns. They don't have enough cops or a big enough overtime budget for that.

14) A drug dealer escaped from prison by concealing himself in a large cardboard box, which was then carried out of the facility by a courier service along with other packages. GERMANY

15) A 28 year old woman was arrested after a man came home to find the drunk woman on his roof, drinking beer, and refusing to come down unless he gave her more beer. FLORIDA

16) After drinking with a friend, a man burglarized a preschool to steal toys as holiday gifts for his children. Police found a stolen see-saw, a desk easel and some Frisbees in the man’s yard. FLORIDA

17) A woman suspected that her husband was cheating on her. She demanded that he allow her to smell his penis to determine if her fears were true. When she went to sniff, he punched her in the head, kicked her when she was on the floor, and left before the cops arrived. FLORIDA
While there might have been a fetish aspect to the penis-sniffing, this is really straight up Florida trash. Bacon Lady nailed this one, and pointed out that there is a popular rap song titled, appropriately enough, "Smell Yo Dick". The artist, Riskay-The Drama Queen, hails from Bartow in central Florida.

Germany or Florida: Amputee criminal holiday edition!

Happy holidays everyone!

With Hanukkah and Christmas right around the corner, I figured it’s time to sneak in one last Germany or Florida for the year. Since it’s the holiday season and I'm a festive bastard, I’m going to do something different and award a prize for this contest. The winner will receive a vintage pulp paperback of my choosing.

In the event that two or more contestants tie, I have no idea what I’ll do. I’ll figure something out. Maybe a 3 question lightning round tie-breaker, or perhaps both winners will get a prize, or you’ll both get nothing and like it, dammit.

UPDATED: Post your answers in the comments by 6pm, CST, Sunday, December 28th. There are some tough choices here, and I'll tell you up front that the bold "all Germany" or "all Florida" play won't work this time.

Here we go:

1) A man and woman got in an argument over her misplaced false teeth. The man gave her what she called “flying lessons”, throwing her up into the air and onto the kitchen floor. She grabbed a knife and threatened to kill him.

2) A pregnant woman wearing a cap, sunglasses and rubber gloves attempted to rob a bank. She also brought her toddler along.

3) Police officers sent to investigate a loud party were mistaken for strippers by the raucous female partygoers.

4) A man was arrested after offering to pay for his takeout order with marijuana.

5) Parents want a teacher fired after she performed a striptease for her teenaged students.

6) A boy was blasted through the window of a bathroom after making a stinky poo, spraying air freshener to cover the smell, and playing with a lighter.

7) A woman dropped by a man’s apartment to smoke some crack. While waiting, she opened some canned sardines and some sausages, enraging him. He beat her and got arrested.

8) An unknown amputee, missing both arms, managed to steal a 24” television set. He got two people to assist in somehow clamping the television to his chest before walking out. He was not caught; the theft was discovered later after when the security video was reviewed.

9) A man in a wheelchair robbed a bank. He was captured minutes later, a block away from the bank. He initially told cops he was forced to do it by two armed men who took the money from him. The cash was found in his prosthetic leg.

10) A man turned on the gas in his apartment to kill himself after his girlfriend dumped him. When the girlfriend stopped by later to pick up her things, she lit a cigarette and caused an explosion. The man was charged with murder after his neighbor died in the explosion.

11) This area is experiencing a critical shortage of shopping center Santas. Successful candidates need a “clean police record.”

12) A 37 year old man living with his parents was arrested for attempting to attack his father with the family Christmas tree.

13) A 56 year old man was stripped of his gun license after a home inspection revealed the gun was hidden under a pillow in his bed. The man’s home was being checked because he had threatened to “throw a hand grenade” if the city council approved plans for a high voltage power line near his house.

14) A drug dealer escaped from prison by concealing himself in a large cardboard box, which was then carried out of the facility by a courier service along with other packages.

15) A 28 year old woman was arrested after a man came home to find the drunk woman on his roof, drinking beer, and refusing to come down unless he gave her more beer.

16) After drinking with a friend, a man burglarized a preschool to steal toys as holiday gifts for his children. Police found a stolen see-saw, a desk easel and some Frisbees in the man’s yard.

17) A woman suspected that her husband was cheating on her. She demanded that he allow her to smell his penis to determine if her fears were true. When she went to sniff, he punched her in the head, kicked her when she was on the floor, and left before the cops arrived.