It's Wednesday!

And you know what that means, don't you?

Weenie Wavers!

First up is this video of an unknown man freaking out on a NYC subway. Because of the profanity, racial slurs and spinning pink propeller it is most definitely not safe for work.



This video proves a couple of my theories:

1) Nudity--especially male nudity--is hilarious, creepy or terrifying far more often than it is sexy, and,

2) Cops would really rather not go hands-on with a naked person. There are quite a few videos of cops dealing with crazy naked people in which the cops don't use nearly as much force as they should. I think it's some combination of the "ick" factor, and a misplaced idea of fair play that tells an officer a naked person is somehow vulnerable, and it wouldn't be sporting to use force on them.

On to the ladies now.

I have not yet come up with a catchy phrase to describe lady flashers, but I am open to suggestions.

Meet Maribel Gomez:

Ms. Gomez was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct after she allegedly exposed her breasts to a 10-year-old boy waiting for a school bus and asked him "are you ready". The victim was not "ready", and Ms. Gomez apparently chased him for a little while before being arrested. She was initially charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition; her attorney successfully argued that breasts are not sexual organs and the charge was amended to disorderly conduct. The judge revoked bond on an earlier cocaine possession case and Ms. Gomez remained in custody.

The Sun-Sentinel has a collection of other Florida cases (yes, there are more than 3) involving school-related indecent exposure.

Kara Mitchell, the woman with the winning smile pictured at left, was arrested after she decided to strip naked and dance around Mesa Cemetery. She then got dressed, sat and talked to herself for a while, and was later found by police sitting in a golf cart. The article assures us that no children were present.

It's Weenie Waver Wednesday!

It's been a while, hasn't it? Let's get to it:

Garrett Scheg was arrested after leading police on a brief chase in his porno'd-out van. West Seneca, NY police checked out a suspicious vehicle and found Mr. Scheg in the back seat of his van, wearing only one sock, with "pornographic photos spread across the front seat and dashboard." Scheg took off, chased by police, and was eventually captured hiding on top of an abandoned travel trailer. The report does not indicate on which appendage Scheg was wearing his sock. And it appears Scheg might be a serial offender:

“There had been a prior report of a person matching his description with this kind of behavior,” (Lt. Patrick) Shea said. “We’re pretty sure it’s the same guy.”

_____________________

To the Lumberyard



Meet Sara Ann Fazio, entertainer and proud Iowan. When Ms. Fazio was arrested for drunk driving she was uncooperative, and told her passenger to "call the police". Once she arrived at the Des Moines Police Department she decided to take off all her clothes. Her place of employment is listed on the report as The Lumberyard, a local strip club.

_____________________

Drunk and naked is no way to be found in a Tokyo park if you're Japanese pop star Tsuyoshi Kusanagi. When police arrived to investigate a noise complaint they found Kusanagi "alone and shrieking at the top of his voice". He reportedly asked investigating officers "what's wrong with being naked?"

_____________________

Why Florida will always be a good source of stories



MSNBC gets credit for the best headline of the week:

Sex Doll Threesome Man Gets Off

George Bartusek was featured on this blog in February, after he was observed getting busy with two blowup dolls in his parked car. He was parked in front of the Publix supermarket at the time.

Mr. Bartusek was recently sentenced, and he avoided jail time. He got 6 months probation, and he'll have to do all his future shopping at Kroger or Winn Dixie--he's been banned from Publix. Yes, you heard that right--if you want to get naked in a parking lot full of people and f*ck a couple of blowup dolls in your car, in full view of the public, and you don't want to get locked up, Florida is the place to be.

_____________________

Meet Paul William Kizer of Halsey, Oregon. Mr. Kizer failed to learn one of life's most basic lessons--getting naked and driving, and then screaming at the police, is one of the surest ways in the world to get yourself tasered. Kizer also had an outstanding warrant for an earlier DUI. Word of advice to aspiring traffic arrestees: if you're going to get naked and scream at the police, leave your bag o' weed at home.

_____________________

Next up is the hilariously named Johnathan Fredrick Felch, 23, of San Luis Obispo. Mr. Felch will now forevermore be known as "The Naked Wizard" following his unfortunate encounter with police at the recent Coachella Festival. Mr. Felch, apparently intoxicated, decided to discard his wizard garb and put his micropenis on display for the whole world to see. After refusing repeated requests by the police to put his clothes back on, and then repeated refusal to be handcuffed, Mr. Felch got tasered.

Here's a link to the uncensored video: Naked Wizard Tased by Reality. It is definitely NSFW, which is why I don't have it embedded here. I am fascinated by the wildly differing views of the incident in the comments following the video.

And, finally, this public service announcement, courtesy of the Gaston Gazette:



Don't have sex in the Walmart parking lot in Gastonia, North Carolina. Just don't.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

“He was not under the influence of drink or drugs. We suspect he is addicted to cross- dressing.”

-An unknown Hong Kong police official, commenting on the arrest of an off-duty 20 year veteran officer who was caught in a park, naked but for a pair of fishnet stockings.

Weenie Waver Wednesday, and a new American hero

I found this story a little too late to include it in last week's post. This is a perfect entry for Weenie Waver Wednesday! and it also introduces an excellent candidate for the SRC Prepared American Hero Hall of Fame.

First, the weenie waver.

Meet 46 year old Michael Dick of Gresham, Oregon:



Mr. Dick sauntered, naked, into the Troutdale home of an 88 year old woman at 6:30 in the morning. He "didn't say a word; he just followed her around the room and kept pushing himself against her". He shoved the woman face first into a chair, and then here's where the prepared American hero part comes in.

The 88 year old woman gave Mr. Dick a reverse reach-around, clamping down firmly on Mr. Dick's scrotum and squeezing until he ceased his frottage and ran out of the house. He was arrested a short time later. There's a lovely interview with the woman, identified only as "Jennifer", here:

49 year old Steven Jeffrey Fass of Simpsonville, South Carolina, insomniac and Lexus driver, was stopped by police after being reported for fondling himself while driving naked. When the police stopped him he was sans shirt and shoes, and had a bottle of baby oil and some boxer shorts on the front seat next to him.

This is Roger Arnold of Okeechobee, Florida:



Roger sidled up to the counter of a gas station with a bag of pretzels in front of his crotch, and then exposed himself to the 17 year old girl working the register. The girl stated "that he made several movements to bring her attention to his exposed parts as he lifted his T-shirt and adjusted himself" before leaving the store.

Roger returned 3 days later, and this time the police arrived. According to this article,
Roger

"explained he'd been having zipper issues "as his pants were too tight and the zipper kept going down on its own...He also stated that he guessed it was a bad idea not to wear underwear that day..."

I'll close out this week's feature with the case of Jeffrey Pickett:

Jeffrey Pickett is an aspiring mixed martial arts fighter. He was looking for someone to fight with, and he went to the parking lot of the Walmart in Covington, Georgia. He said he wanted to "practice his tap outs". Believing that it would be easier to find someone to fight with him if he was naked, Mr. Pickett undressed in the parking lot and stood next to his car, waiting for an adversary. The Covington Police Department arrested him for public indecency and he's now awaiting trial in the Newton County Jail.

Looking back to look ahead: Threat assessment 2009

Sometimes the work just becomes too much. Sorting through dozens of Google news alerts on an hourly basis, scanning the RSS feeds of various news outlets in Florida, working my network of informants...you get the idea. I end up with more source material than time to share it with you.

Consider this post a new year grab bag of menace and freakery, a loose collection of items that caught my attention but that didn't make their way onto these pages. Until now. Or maybe it's more of a big, greasy buffet--feel free to take your time, leave for a while, and come back later for more. Take some time and follow a few of the links. There's a lot here, and you probably won't feel too good if you consume it all at once.

If the brave new science of narcozoology tells us anything, it's that anecdotal evidence is usually the best evidence. This allows yours truly to boldly identify future trends and threats based on the vast sweep of my prior research.

Here we go...

_____________________

We begin in Florida. In addition to being afflicted by alligator attacks, plagues of walking fish, pythons and insect infestation, Florida is now a hot zone for two emerging crime patterns:

1) Hammer vs edged weapon duels: The first incident was reported here in October 2008, when an argument between two men escalated. One man grabbed a hammer and started swinging; his opponent grabbed a letter opener and stabbed away. The stabber came out on top.

Now, in a stunning development, a similar incident has been reported in Panama City Beach. This contest ended in a draw--James Allen Spray suffered head injuries at the hands of hammer-wielder Richard Charles Burger, but in turn inflicted knife wounds on the stomach of Mr. Burger.

2) Food as weapon: While arguments over food frequently result in domestic battery in sun-baked, crack addled Florida, there have been several recent incidents in which food is not the subject of the fight, but rather the weapon used to win it. Three such incidents were reported within a two-week period between November 18 and December 3, 2008:

Meet 19 year old Emmanuel Rodriguez.



Mr. Rodriguez got in an argument with his baby mama after she picked Mr. Rodriguez up at his mom's house. Baby mama was driving, and their 7 month old child was asleep in the back seat. The couple argued, and Mr. Rodriguez hit baby mama in the face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off and almost causing her to crash the car. Mr. Rodriguez told police he threw the sandwich at her because he didn't want to hit her.

Happy Thanksgiving, bitch!

46 year old Christopher Ford of Hobe Sound, Florida, was not making a political statement with his pie throwing.

On Thanksgiving day Mr. Ford was unhappy with the food that had been prepared by his live-in girlfriend of seven years. In order to express his displeasure he picked up a delicious, but piping hot, sweet potato pie and threw it in the victim's face, burning her. He ran off when her teenage children came out of their rooms to investigate and was arrested later.



Victor Gonzalez, 22, of Vero Beach, repeatedly smashed a McDonald's cheeseburger into his girlfriend's face during an argument.

**Note: There was an apparently unrelated incident in Ypsilanti, Michigan, in June 2008. In that case 40 year old Frederick McKaney stabbed his mother when she wouldn't give him money. He rode away on his bicycle and

"A short time later, he encountered two other women talking on the sidewalk on Woodbridge Street. The woman said he said something nasty to them and hit one of them over the head with 10 pounds of frozen chicken."

_____________________

Some citizens in Florida are turning to cougar ownership (the four-legged kind) as a crime deterrent. A 70 pound pet cougar named "Chaos" mauled a 16 year old girl when her male companion burglarized the house the where the cougar lived, and brought a girlfriend inside to show off the cat.

_____________________

I'm thinking of giving an annual "PREPARED AMERICAN" award to honor people who best exemplify that plucky can-do American survivalist spirit. A couple years back a veteran named Dale Rippy was attacked by a wild bobcat. Enduring the animal's biting and clawing, he managed to grab the beast by its throat and choke it to death. Now joining Mr. Rippy in the SRC Hall of Prepared American Heroes is Arizona hiker Michelle Felicetta.

Ms. Felicetta was hiking near Prescott when she was confronted in the trail by a fox. When she saw the blood lust in the creature's eyes she tried to back away, but the fox attacked. It attacked her foot, and then sank its fangs into her arm. Did Ms. Felicetta panic? HELL NO SHE DIDN'T! She grabbed the fox in a chokehold and ran a mile back to her car, with the fox hanging from her arm by its fangs. She pried the fox loose, wrapped it in a sweatshirt and trapped it in the trunk of her car so she could get it tested for rabies. The fox was rabid, by the way.

The Arizona incident was merely one in a brutal series of rabid fox attacks sweeping the nation. 66 year old Margaret Burhenn of Spottsylvania, Virginia, was ambushed in her own back yard and nearly chewed to pieces by a marauding rabid fox. An intrepid neighbor killed the beast with a shovel. Authorities reported that this was the third such incident in that region between January and May.

It goes without saying that nature hates us. While animals (except for alligators and certain exotic pets, of course) do not require the same high level of vigilance as, say, clowns or furries, they still bear watching. The following incidents might be seen by some as proof that the end times draw nearer.

In April 2008 over 70 Mexican police were hospitalized after a swarm of Africanized killer bees attacked their firearms range. Authorities suspect that Mexico's violent drug lords might have been behind the attack, raising the specter of killer Africanized narco-bees.

A group of Russian geologists was besieged by a platoon of over 30 hungry bears.

Mountain lions attempted to take advantage of the chaos caused by the fox attacks, and launched deadly missions of their own. The attempted cougar invasion of Chicago in April was well-publicized. The 150 pound scout cougar infiltrated the north side of Chicago after working its way south through the north suburbs. It died in a hail of police gunfire before it could inflict any human casualties. Less well-publicized was the stealthy attack launched by a ninja panther against a rural home in Newton County, Missouri. That effort also ended badly for the panther:

Panther Shot, Killed After Attacking Home

And now, back to Florida.

In addition to everything else, Florida now has a monkey problem as well. Troops of feral monkeys are rampaging through Polk County, Florida. There are two great quotes in this story:

"People don't know what they are," said Wehrmann, a St. Petersburg veterinarian. "People think they are squirrels."

"You don't think about monkeys in this part of Florida," said Clark, a retired agriculture teacher from Plant City High School.

Ok...first, your average Floridian can't tell the difference between a squirrel and a monkey. Second, monkeys in "this" part of Florida might be unusual? As opposed to all the other parts of Florida, where presumably they're just scampering around just as common as...uh...squirrels?

____________________

I am currently exploring the nexus between Walmart and attacks by venomous insects and reptiles. I'm not sure what the connection is yet, but as soon as I have a working theory I'll let you know.

In March, a 44 year old man in Marana, Arizona, was bitten on the arm by a Western Diamondback Rattlesnake while attempting to purchase some lava rocks from his local Walmart.

In May, a 12 year old West Virginia girl was stung by a scorpion while picking out a juicy seedless watermelon at her local Walmart.

In July, a Pembroke Pines man (Florida again!) was bitten by a pygmy rattlesnake while buying plants from the Walmart garden center.

Walmart should have known they had a problem as far back as July 2006, when a wheelchair-bound man was bitten by a pygmy rattlesnake at the Sanford, Florida Walmart. I cannot believe that their failure to deal with their venomous insect and reptile problem has not resulted in a class-action lawsuit.

_____________________

This should not surprise any regular reader of this blog, but naked people continued to be one of the most serious threats of 2008. I expect this trend to continue, unabated, in 2009.

Legless, naked and drunk is no way to drive a car. Just ask John E. Carlon, who was arrested in Youngstown, Ohio in August after crashing into a couple of cars, while driving drunk and naked from the waist down. Perhaps he wasn't wearing pants because he doesn't have any legs. The report does not say.

Meet Holly Kay Highfield:



This picture was taken while Ms. Highfield was in the custody of the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office. While driving an SUV with three kids in it, she deliberately rammed a bicyclist. She then got into another car that had stopped to help the bicyclist, and smashed into her own car. At some point a 14 year old boyscout rescued the kids who were in Ms. Highfield's auto. Ms. Highfield then smashed the carjacked car into a fence, got out, and ran around in circles disrobing until she was naked. She fought with several officers, and remarkably enough did not get tasered.

Alcohol was involved.

This guy gives Bubs a bad name:

Mr. Bub Bamford, of Anderson, California, crashed his car on "Balls Ferry Road". He abandoned his car, and his injured passenger, and took off running. Bub was found by police hiding in a rosebush. Naked. Drunk.

An unknown man in Santa Ana, California, crashed his van into another car and drove away. When the police caught up with him he almost backed into the patrol car, and then refused to show his hands or exit the vehicle. After he was tasered, the cops discovered he was also naked.

Japanese police are, evidently, less likely to taser the naked. A bald white tourist threw rocks and charged police with a large stick before jumping into the moat in front of the Imperial Palace. Click here for the story and video hilarity.



This is a "wizzer" saw. Firefighters in Newburgh, New York, were called to a local hospital, and used one of these to cut a length of steel pipe off of an unknown 73-year old man's penis. In an example of wonderful emergency services understatement, "Authorities said the pipe was apparently an erotic aid, but did not elaborate".

_____________________

I've always thought of Australians as being a lot like American rednecks, but with a different accent. They certainly hold their own in the naked/drunk/reckless category compared to their American cousins:

An unknown Australian was arrested after repeatedly exposing himself, and firing a nail gun at passing motor vehicles.

Here is a new favorite headline, courtesy of The Daily Telegraph:

Driver abuses speed limit, and himself, court told

In brief: 39 year old Brendon Alan Erhardt, father of three, was stopped for driving 93 miles per hour. He was masturbating and video recording himself as he did so. In his car he had 5 kilograms of weed, two cannabis plants, some drug pipes and a loaded .22 rifle that he claimed he was using to shoot at passing kangaroos. He claimed to have found the weed at a rest stop, and said he was going to smoke it all himself. No self-taping high speed jerkoff artist would want anyone to think he's a common dope dealer.

_____________________

Christmas season in Florida:

Roy Ronald Rowell, Jr. of Destin was arrested after exposing himself to a family as they walked their dog on Christmas day. Roy used the old "hole cut out of the crotch of the running pants" technique, and got the victims' attention by saying "nice dog." Roy also exposed himself to the cop who arrived to arrest him.

43 year old Roderick Woodruff, transient, got his drink on at the beach in Siesta Key, and decided to expose himself to several women and children in the area. When police arrived he stripped totally naked, said that he didn't have to do what the police told him to since it was a public beach, and then threatened to kill the deputy. Here's his booking photo from the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office. Does this look like a drunk weenie-waver to you?

_____________________

Carrying the crazy into the new year is Provo, Utah resident Heather Lynn Best:



Heather went on a "nude rampage" involving broken dishes and furniture, an exotic bird, the neighbors and a fight with the cops. Methamphetamine.

Heather is now the second naked, rampaging woman from Utah to be featured here. In July, Rachel Joann Hanson was mentioned as part of Weenie Waver Wednesday!

_____________________

Then there's just the creepy. Not weenie wavers, drunks, or dope fiends or any combination of that. These are the people compelled by forces they don't comprehend, doing whatever the demons rattling around in their heads tell them to do.

People like:

Columbus, Ohio resident Alan D. Patton. Urine collector.

Ben Hawkins, 44, of Cincinnati. Underwear researcher.

Dmitriy Sklyarov, self-professed white supremacist, who left 13 bitemarks on a 9 year old child left in his care, and called a local high school to announce that he had placed black magic spells that would cause death for their teachers.

Stamford, Connecticut janitor Felicito Gonzalez, cheapskate and voyeur, who positioned a cell phone in a basket of toilet paper to take pictures of women in a train station restroom.



Hilariously-named Wesley Cox, 44, of Boulder, Colorado, freak and voyeur. Cox was caught trying to videotape his neighbors through their window. A subsequent search warrant discovered "a myriad of underwear and other items of clothing, including Boulder High School cheerleading outfits."

Make-believe dentist Carlos Flores of Peekskill, New York, who got arrested for running a fake dental practice and possession of controlled substances, while using tools like this to work on his "patients":

_____________________

I'm not going to go into the clown stuff now. Y'all have put up with enough of that in the past couple of days, and I don't want to lose readers. Alligators will get their own post in the near future.

Let's all take a deep breath, draw our shoulders back and greet the coming year with hope, fortitude and CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

Weenie Waver Wednesday!

I had an interesting report cross my desk yesterday. One of our local nursing homes reported that an unknown male subject, apparently dressed as a woman in a wig and tights, came in the main entrance while the door was propped open at shift change.

The unknown cross-dresser roamed around, was challenged once or twice in different areas of the facility by employees asking what he was doing there, and eventually left the building after somehow shedding his wig. No thefts were reported, and no one knows what he was doing there. The incident occurred around 10:30 pm. It's possible that he wandered in from the nearby forest preserve and wanted to change clothes before returning home to his family, but as of right now we don't know. Something about this report bothered me, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

Was it the random and unexplained nature of the incident? Was I disturbed by the idea of an anonymous cross-dresser emerging from the forest preserve late at night to roam the halls of a nursing home? Was it the mystery of the disappearing wig?

What it was, was that the combination of forest preserve, cross-dressing and inexplicable behavior reminded me that it's been months since I did a Weenie Waver Wednesday!

_____________________

First up, meet 55 year old Hoosier Larry Wayne Williamson. Police were called to investigate a man "masturbating in a public park", but once they arrived they found so much more.



They found Mr. Willaimson "sitting on a picnic table naked, masturbating, with a metal rod protruding from his penis." But wait, that's not all:

A search of Williamson's vehicle, located in the park, uncovered sex toys, binoculars, a small dog, cotton candy, candy, male enhancement pills, energy pills and supplements, marijuana, drug paraphernalia and "a variety of other suspicious and unusual items," according to a Vanderburgh County Sheriff's Department news release.

There was no word on the diameter or length of the metal rod, or its special role in Mr. Williamson's fantasy life.

_____________________

Moving north from Indiana to Michigan, we find the case of Swan Creek Township resident Jason Savage.

Mr. Savage, apparently an early riser, was discovered by a police officer at a local car wash at 6:45 am. The officer had been dispatched to investigate a suspicious person. When the officer arrived, he saw Savage in one of the wash bays and heard a vacuum running. As the officer approached he found Savage engaged in an act of copulation with the business end of the vacuum.

_____________________

In news from the west, 32 year old Tyson Degenhart of Minden, Nevada, was arrested after exposing himself to a 17 year old girl. Degenhart was nude at the time, and riding a dirt bike. Not content with simply waving his wand at the victim, Mr. Degenhart also led police on a chase, on his dirt bike, naked, until he crashed.

Alcohol was involved. Degenhart's blood alcohol content was more than three times the legal limit. It should be noted that Degenhart was listed as a resident of "Johnson Lane".

_____________________

On a reassuring note, it looks like recent reports of predatory clown sightings in Chicago might be nothing more than the most recent incarnation of an urban myth.

A recent post at Second City Cop addresses the issue, and there are some entertaining comments. I especially liked this one:

F*cking clowns. You know, back when coyotes were a problem, the various states and counties paid a bounty for each pelt you brought it.

Tell me why that wouldn't work on clowns.

Urban myth or no, constant vigilance remains the best policy.

What's with all the naked anger?

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
-William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"

Now there's more things in Tennessee
Than is dreamed of in your philosophy.
-Lux Interior, "Cornfed Dames"


Strange doings lately, so strange I'm reluctant to even post them here, but I'll struggle through in the interest of public service. It seems like more and more of the naked walking among us are just plain angry. Sure, we expect the naked to do strange stuff, but we don't necessarily see a naked man or woman and think "honey, fetch my pepper spray and a meat hammer, this looks like trouble". Until now.

Meet 74 year old Donald Kenney of Vancouver, Washington:



Kenney was sunbathing nude at Rooster Rock State Park in Oregon. When a 45 year old man and his two daughters drifted ashore on a raft, Kenney attacked the man with a collapsible police baton, striking him multiple times.

Police in Twinsburg, Ohio, were dispatched to investigate a report of a suspicious man at a BP gas station. The man entered a restroom with several unknown items, only to emerge moments later "naked and mumbling." As is so often the story in cases like this, the naked mumbler got a tasering before he was taken into custody. The mumbler spoke up enough to indicate that he had explosives, and the bomb squad was called out.

30 year old Johnathon Cecil Foster (no photo available) of Kennewick, Washington, was arrested for "allegedly fondling himself while following a garbage truck." Sheesh, if only I had a dollar for every time I'd heard this story:

Foster said he had been in an apartment and had gone outside to drink some alcohol and smoke, Swartswalter said. He told police he then realized he locked himself out and walked over urinated just as the garbage truck pulled up, Swartswalter said.

Foster claimed he had his shorts on the whole time and just dropped them down while relieving himself.

He said he followed the garbage truck because he was upset that the driver was looking at him...

Bath time with the kids went horribly wrong at the Springer household in Fostoria, Ohio. Next thing you know, Mrs. Elizabeth C. Springer, naked, was stabbing Mr. Springer in the leg and biting him in the arm. Police found her hiding in the bushes. Alcohol was involved.

35 year old Charles Sell of Las Vegas got naked and stole a beer from a convenience store. He tried to hug a bus before punching out a window, chasing away the driver and stealing the bus for a short ride. Mr. Sell received some clothing and a free mental health evaluation courtesy of Clark County after he was taken into custody. You can see some fun video from inside the bus here. Check out the cool headed cop who jumps into the slow moving bus and stops it.

Iowa delivers again!

Check out Francis Brandon Arant, white trash ginger freak, and his sidekick/getaway driver Kyle Yoder:

Arant was arrested after a woman found him in her home, naked, at 8:42 am. He left after she yelled at him, and sauntered next door before being picked up by his buddy Kyle. Kyle was drunk, and Francis said he was "under the influence of an illegal substance."



Republican lobbyist and former Nebraska legislative candidate Charles "Chuck" Stepanek pled no contest to a driving under the influence charge on July 28. In exchange for his plea, prosecutors dropped several charges, including possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of marijuana, reckless driving and disturbing the peace.

What got "Chuck" into all this trouble? On May 29, in Lincoln, "Chuck" was seen naked at a convenience store, buying a beverage. He was seen a short time later, still naked, at a car lot. Then he got back in his car and drove into a light pole. "Chuck" initially denied being under the influence of any drugs, and expected to be "fully exonerated." He said at the time of the incident "he was experiencing a mental psychosis because of several setbacks."

Finally we have the Rev. Scott Murray of Haywood County, North Carolina:

Rev. Murray didn't get naked, but he sure got freaky. Rev. Murray broke into a woman's home and stole "a sex toy and a bottle of personal lubricant." He broke his leg running from the crime scene. You can see a TV news report here, featuring interviews with shocked congregation members.

And now, my friends, there's nothing to do but coast until the weekend.

Weenie-Waver Wednesday!

Nothing starts off a weenie-waver Wednesday like a celebrity arrest.

Melinda June posted about the hilariously-named c-lister Andy Dick and his most recent arrest. Even though she beat me to it, the story bears recounting if only because of the opportunity to display what is now my favorite celebrity mugshot:

Alcohol was involved. And, apparently, so was a little weed and some Xanax. Mr. Dick had already encountered the police earlier that evening, and was warned to leave the area or face arrest for public intoxication. Instead he decided to grab a 17 year old girl's boobs and yank her top down, exposing her. Stay classy, Mr. Dick.

We sail tonight for Singapore: Mohammed Ismail Ariffin was sentenced to 14 years in prison, and caned 18 times. Why? Because he was convicted of being a serial armpit-sniffer, victimizing 23 women ranging in age from 9 to 53. To give you an idea of how enthusiastic an armpit sniffer he was, police identified him from the DNA he left at the scene of one encounter. He also did some fondling and exposing of his private parts.

Police in West Reading, PA, encountered 38 year old John Messerly as they investigated reports of a naked man running along the road. As police encounters with naked men so often end, Messerly got some pepper spray and a tasering before he was taken into custody.



According to witnesses, Messerly was scene climbing out of the driver's window and onto the roof of a moving van shortly before it crashed. In interviews with police, Messerly denied climbing onto the roof, and said he was thrown out the window while trying to adjust some lumber that had come loose inside the van. Once he was thrown clear he removed all his clothes because "he was in shock and wanted to see if he had any internal injuries." He also mentioned that he had smoked some crack cocaine the night before and had not slept since.

Florida will not be denied! Police in Boca Raton are searching for a naked man driving around in a maroon sedan and exposing himself to girls on bicycles.

Show me state: Freddie Eugene Philpott, 52, of Washburn, Missouri, faces multiple charges from police in Arkansas and Missouri. He drove his Jeep over a curb, nearly striking several people, and stopped near a group of "special needs" students. He then offered some of the students $20 to help him move some scrap metal. An alert teacher noticed that Mr. Philpott was only wearing underwear, and called police.

In the weeks leading up to this incident, Freddie Philpott had also been arrested or reported to police for attempting to solicit children into his car, driving while intoxicated, crashing his car while driving naked, stalking a mentally handicapped neighbor, and driving naked while masturbating.

While alcohol was involved, so was mental illness, according to Phipott's attorney:

Philpott's attorney, John Mikesch, filed a motion seeking to have Philpott released from the Benton County Jail and transferred to a mental-health facility in Nixa, Mo...

Mikesch said Philpott has a history of mental illness and has been declared a disabled and incapacitated person by the 39 th Judicial Circuit Court in Cassville, Mo. Philpott has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type; substance abuse; mixed personality disorder; and an additional undiagnosed psychosis, according to court documents. Philpott is also described as mildly mentally retarded with a learning disability, court documents state.

More naked driving, with rage:



38 year old Rachel Hansen of Midvale, Utah, rammed the car of a couple of guys who were out looking for a cat. She rammed their car twice, then got out of her car to argue with them. Naked. They grabbed her keys and she chased a young girl into a nearby house. Naked Rachel kicked the door in and then waited for police inside the home. Much of this event was captured on a neighbor's security camera, and you can see some fun video here.

Oh, Canada: "Ridge Meadows RCMP got a call that a naked man had stolen a pair of coveralls and a five-tonne truck from a farm in Maple Ridge and driven off..."

I won't say too much about this next story. While technically occurring within the privacy of her own home, the fact that this story contains Okies and "crimes against nature" meant that I had to include it.

This here is Diane Sue Whalen.



Think of the most mortifying situation you can think of. Say, accidentally walking in on your parents knocking boots, or your kid finding your toy box, or the most embarrassing moment from a Ben Stiller movie, and then multiply that by a bazillion.

Think about your kid, who is house sitting for you and taking care of your dogs, finding your stash of "193 CD-ROMs and DVDs, 67 VHS tapes, 12 cassette tapes, two floppy discs, two computer flash drives and one photo album" all allegedly showing Ms. Whalen getting busy with her dogs. The son, reeling from lord only knows what kind of psychic trauma at that point, and probably requiring medical treatment for painful burning eyeballs, turned the material over to the police.

You read that correctly. The dogs are now in protective custody and have been neutered to prepare them for adoption.

And, finally, this. Jeffrey Bradford, a pilot for Pinnacle Airlines, and Adriana Connor, a flight attendant for the same company, were both arrested in Pennsylvania. The couple decided to get busy in the woods on their way back to their motel. At some point during the proceedings Bradford wandered off, naked. Ms. Connor ended up sitting in a Chevy Tahoe parked at the home of the local fire chief, and when the chief investigated Connor told him there was a naked man in the woods.

Bradford was arrested after he turned up in someone's backyard requesting a pair of shorts. He was taken into custody wearing a pair of flip-flops and a wristwatch, in perfect porno style except for his lack of black gold-toe socks.

Alcohol was involved in a big way. Bradford and Connor are pictured here as they appeared in court. Note that Ms. Connor is hiding behind the brown paper evidence bag used to store prisoner property, a nice touch.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around."

--Bellevue, Ohio Police Captain Matt Johnson, referring to the arrest of Art Price, Jr. for having sex with a picnic table.

Yes, you read that right. I overlooked this fellow and missed putting him in yesterday's Weenie-Waver Wednesday. Maybe we can create, oh, a table-f*cker Thursday for him.



Art Price, Jr. was spotted having sex with his picnic table four times. A neighbor saw Mr. Price walk onto his deck, naked, and stand the table on its side. Price then penetrated the table through the umbrella hole. The neighbor videotaped the event and turned the tape over to the police as evidence. He did this in view of kids at a nearby school.

Surprisingly, Price's family did not want to talk to the press.

Today's word is "masturbatorium"

It's been too long, and there are far too many freaks roaming the alleys and highways of our great nation. Knowledge is power, and you, the people, have a right to know.

It's time for the return of Weenie Waver Wednesday.

_____________________

Our first freak is Robert E. Lee of Mechanicsville, Virginia. Yes, that is his real name. Mr. Lee, a manager at a local Sears, was caught peeping into women's dressing rooms. According to the police, Lee had constructed a "makeshift masturbatorium" in the rafters:

...investigators discovered the Sears manager had created a makeshift masturbatorium from a service platform just above the ladies’ dressing rooms.

It appeared to investigators that the prefab peeping hutch had been in use for quite some time, the victim’s lawsuit alleges, and that Lee admitted to watching the girl and her mother trying on bathing suits.

“During the search of the room, police officials recovered sexually explicit magazines and seminal fluids,” the suit says.

At least it wasn't referred to as a "sprawling ramshackle masturbatorium".

53 year old David Nelson, of Billings, Montana was arrested in the reception area of the Comfort Inn. Mr. Nelson had made himself comfortable by getting naked and arming himself with a .45 handgun. He knocked on a few room doors, and then tried to climb over the desk.

Alcohol was involved.

Moving on to the world of politics....

John Hartley, a candidate for city council in San Diego, was arrested after witnesses saw him masturbating in public and then urinating into a cup at 4 in the afternoon. Being a politician, Hartley later tried to explain away the incident in a campaign mailing, using the classic freak's excuse of having to take a leak. Hartley is described as a "tireless door-to-door campaigner". Campaigner, eh? That's a euphemism I haven't heard before. There's more on his case here.

_____________________

In Florida-related news:

Thomas Blacine, the "naked tickler" was sentenced to 25 years in prison. Mr. Blacine was featured on these pages in October 2007.

Mr. Adrian Apgar (now known as "lefty") was arrested by police after being discovered in a canal, naked, apparently trying to sneak up on an alligator. When the police called out to Mr. Apgar he told them to be quiet, and asked them to turn their spotlights off.

Apgar appeared on this blog in November 2006 after he lost his arm in an earlier, crack-fueled naked encounter with an alligator. I will always be in his debt, because he inspired me to begin my research in the brave new science of narcozoology.

An unknown 30 year old woman told police that she was standing in an intersection directing traffic, topless, because God told her to. Why does God never tell anyone to get a job, or just straighten the hell up?

The Sunshine State is now on the brink of finally having an anti-bestiality law. Lawmakers heard a moving story from a local prosecutor before voting:

Before the vote, Leon County prosecutor Michael Bauer sent Rich and other senators a letter recounting his troubles prosecuting the 2006 case of a blind guy who had sex with his male yellow Lab "Lucky." The man explained "freely about his regular sexual acitivities with his dog and said he would take the dog for a walk prior to sex to 'prevent fecal impact.'"

You can read more about that blind guy, 29 year old Alan Yoder, here or here. The second story contains a classic defense attorney statement:

"However lurid the allegations may be, we should resist a rush to judgment." At least until after the attorney cashes the check.

Seriously, how would you like to defend this guy? Do you think this is the kind of groundbreaking legal work the attorney thought he'd be doing some day when he was in law school?

_____________________

30 year old Nicholas Hadzik was arrested for causing thousands of dollars in damage at a Pennsylvania motel and grocery store. Mr. Hadzik did this while he was naked. There's some video of the incident here.

Alcohol was involved. Clearly Mr. Hadzik never learned that naked, drunk and rampaging is no way to go through life.

I always like to read how other states name their criminal offenses. According to this story Hadzik was charged with "two felony counts of risking a catastrophe; three felony counts of criminal mischief; two misdemeanor counts of simple assault; two misdemeanor counts of open lewdness and two summary counts of public drunkenness." I like any statutory language that includes the words mischief and catastrophe.

Apparently that Mardi Gras feeling never stops for Sharon Hall, 50, of Alexandria, Louisiana. Police arrested her after she was observed dancing, sans pants, in front of a group of approximately 20 men in a local park. She also lifted her shirt a few times, had a crack pipe on her, and resisted arrest. No alligators were involved.

_____________________

Thanks for stopping by. Until next time, remember--constant vigilance!

Freak of the week, and the return of weenie-waver Wednesday

It's a new year, and here we are with the prospect of 355 more days of perversion and freakery ahead of us. So let's get started, shall we? We'll even have a little contest.

_____________________

Certain types of public exposure just aren't fit to appear in this blog's Freak of the Week feature. Girls Gone Wild-type displays by coeds, for instance. While entertaining in a sad yet arousing way, they don't represent the type of creepy, compulsive behavior that I like to spotlight. Likewise, routine stories about streaking, mooning and the like--they just don't have what it takes.

Women are seriously underrepresented in the freak of the week. Matter of fact, I think only two women have ever been featured. So, I was pleased to find a worthy female candidate this week.

Meet Marissa Rodriguez.

Ms. Rodriguez, a temp worker at a mental health facility for juveniles, was charged with two counts of Lewd and Lascivious Exhibition after she showed her nipple piercings to one of the girls at the facility. When confronted about the charge, she showed off the nipple piercings again. Flaunt it baby, flaunt it!

And man, check out that sultry gaze.

Moving right along...

Senator Larry Craig is back in the news as his attorneys appeal his conviction to the Minnesota Court of Appeals. On what grounds, you ask?

"...Larry Craig's attorneys are arguing the alleged hand swiping in a Minneapolis bathroom stall is constitutionally protected speech. Lawyers for the Idaho Republican also argue the bathroom encounter isn't criminal because it didn't involve multiple victims."

C-list reality show celebrities are always a welcome addition to any lineup of freaks and sex fiends.

Dog the Bounty Hunter sidekick Tim Chapman got caught in his truck in a shopping center parking lot, naked, choking his chicken.

When security guards approached he hopped into the front seat and drove off over the sidewalk, nearly striking the guard. Here's a splendid illustration of why people love defense attorneys:

Brook Hart, Chapman's lawyer, described the incident to the Star Bulletin as a "massive misunderstanding," claiming his client spilled juice on his pants and retreated to the backseat of his truck to change. When security guards approached the truck, which has tinted windows, and started yelling, Hart told the Star Bulletin that Chapman attempted to get away to avoid negative publicity.

"It was simply a man who wet his pants with orange juice inadvertently and was changing them, doing nothing wrong at all and believing he had sufficient privacy to do it," Hart told the Star Bulletin.

Finally, nothing rounds out a good collection of freaks like a member of the clergy.

Rev. Robert Whipkey, a Catholic priest, recently pleaded not guilty to indecent exposure charges.

Rev. Whipkey was arrested back in June for walking down a street in Greeley, Colorado. Naked. At 4:30 am. What did the good Rev. Whipkey have to say for himself?

"I'm a heavy man and wearing clothing while running makes me sweat profusely..."

Rev. Whipkey was investigated 8 years ago for "inappropriate personal behavior" according to the archdiocese, but that incident did not involve "physical or sexual contact with another individual".

Well. That's a relief.

Time for the midweek freak

Yes, it's Wednesday, and that means one thing here at the compound: weenie wavers. Let's take a look at this week's collection of naked and near-naked freaks.

There was something of a recent epidemic of driving without pants.

William W. Donnell, a truck driver from Tennessee, was stopped by the Indiana State Police. The trooper got a surprise when Mr. Donnell was discovered to be sans pantalon. Mr. Donnell explained that he was more comfortable driving without pants on.

Kim Leblanc of Cincinnati has a more interesting explanation of why he was found inside someone else's automobile, naked from the waist down. He said a leprechaun had let him into the car! The news report says that Mr. Leblanc is still in custody "on a variety of charges." Oh, one more thing, and this may surprise you--drugs were involved.

_____________________

Moving on to other assorted freakery...

An unknown strip club patron in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, was arrested for solicitation of prostitution. Police arrived at the club after the man groped a stripper, opened his pants and exposed his penis. The man explained to officers that the stripper had promised to perform an act of oral copulation on him for $500. He helpfully explained this several times, even after being advised of his rights. The stripper claimed the $500 was for a bottle of champagne, so in that way I suppose alcohol was involved.



What is it about conservative Republicans and public toilet sex? Louisiana State Senate Candidate, former Louisiana GOP Executive Committee member and St Bernard Parish councilman Joey DiFatta suddenly dropped out of the race citing "chest pains."

Chest pains? Yeah, brought on by the stress of having the New Orleans Times Picayune reveal that he'd been stopped at least twice before doing variations of the old toe-tapping routine in public toilets.

_____________________

And now we arrive at our last story. First, let me say that Florida has come through for me once again. Thank you, Sunshine State!

50-year old Thomas Blacine was arrested after a police dog tracked his scent. Blacine is believed to be "The Naked Tickler", suspected of breaking into at least a dozen homes since 2004, naked, and tickling women while they sleep. He has also videotaped women, and videotaped himself engaging in such antics as urinating into a milk jug.

Blacine reportedly admitted to videotaping women, but denied tickling them.