And the winner is...

Thanks for playing everyone! I apologize for not getting the results posted sooner.

A few notes before we announce the winner. Germany or Florida is a difficult game, and guessing the correct answer is more of an art than a science. At the height of its popularity on the show Loveline, Dr. Drew got approximately 40% correct, and Adam Corolla 55%. In other words, you're doing really well if you approach anything over 50% accuracy.

As I have stated before, there are a number of subtle cultural clues that can help:

Sausage=Germany
Crack cocaine=Florida
Fetish or weird sex=Germany
Nudity=Germany
Monkeys=Germany
Inept criminals with poorly thought out plans=Florida
Cannibalism and/or body parts=Germany (Is this where Wisconsin gets it?)
Domestic violence=Florida
Pitbulls and/or gunplay=Florida
Religious zealotry=Florida

Incest and morbid obesity can go either way. It bears repeating, though, that none of these single clues are 100% accurate. Now, on to the winners of

Germany or Florida: Amputee Criminal Holiday Edition!

Third place was an impressive four-way tie among Skylersdad, Dale, Freida and Spartacus, with 8 correct answers. Well done, folks!

Second place was a tie between Bill T. and Bad Tempered Zombie, with 10 correct answers.

And the winner is...Eebie, with 11 correct answers! Eebie will be receiving a copy of Peeping Tom by Jack Woodford, published in 1948 by the Diversey Publishing Corporation of Chicago:



According to the back cover, this book is "uninhibited and racy." It must be, because an earlier owner underlined those very words:



I've printed the questions below, with the origin of each story highlighted at the end. My comments are in red. I liked the problem-solving strategies that a lot of readers used in the comments, too.

1) A man and woman got in an argument over her misplaced false teeth. The man gave her what she called “flying lessons”, throwing her up into the air and onto the kitchen floor. She grabbed a knife and threatened to kill him. FLORIDA
Classic domestic violence=Florida.

2) A pregnant woman wearing a cap, sunglasses and rubber gloves attempted to rob a bank. She also brought her toddler along. FLORIDA
The rubber gloves might have suggested a fetish angle (Germany) but the correct call was made by Bill T and Cormac Brown: the toddler. Cormac suggested, rightly, that daycare would have been available in Germany, and Bill seemed to grab the overall white-trashitude of bringing your kid along on a badly thought-out score.

3) Police officers sent to investigate a loud party were mistaken for strippers by the raucous female partygoers. GERMANY

4) A man was arrested after offering to pay for his takeout order with marijuana. FLORIDA FLORIDA FLORIDA

5) Parents want a teacher fired after she performed a striptease for her teenaged students. GERMANY
This was, perhaps, the toughest question. Hot teacher said Florida, but nudity says Germany. Her dance was captured on video:



6) A boy was blasted through the window of a bathroom after making a stinky poo, spraying air freshener to cover the smell, and playing with a lighter. GERMANY

7) A woman dropped by a man’s apartment to smoke some crack. While waiting, she opened some canned sardines and some sausages, enraging him. He beat her and got arrested. FLORIDA
Crack cocaine and interpersonal violence trump sardines and sausage, making Florida the correct call.

8) An unknown amputee, missing both arms, managed to steal a 24” television set. He got two people to assist in somehow clamping the television to his chest before walking out. He was not caught; the theft was discovered later after when the security video was reviewed. GERMANY
What I didn't make clear was that the two people who helped the offender were strangers to him. That made it a clear Germany story--a criminal in Florida who planned on the kindness of strangers would have been victimized himself.

9) A man in a wheelchair robbed a bank. He was captured minutes later, a block away from the bank. He initially told cops he was forced to do it by two armed men who took the money from him. The cash was found in his prosthetic leg. FLORIDA
Classic poorly thought out Florida crime. In this case, alcohol was involved:

10) A man turned on the gas in his apartment to kill himself after his girlfriend dumped him. When the girlfriend stopped by later to pick up her things, she lit a cigarette and caused an explosion. The man was charged with murder after his neighbor died in the explosion. GERMANY

11) This area is experiencing a critical shortage of shopping center Santas. Successful candidates need a “clean police record.” GERMANY
Another really tough choice.

12) A 37 year old man living with his parents was arrested for attempting to attack his father with the family Christmas tree. FLORIDA
Once again, domestic violence=Florida.

13) A 56 year old man was stripped of his gun license after a home inspection revealed the gun was hidden under a pillow in his bed. The man’s home was being checked because he had threatened to “throw a hand grenade” if the city council approved plans for a high voltage power line near his house. GERMANY
The most popular places to keep guns in Florida are where they are easily accessible. Places like under a pillow, or in a glove box of an unlocked car. While the crank threat against public officials sounds American, I can't imagine police in Florida inspecting a home for guns. They don't have enough cops or a big enough overtime budget for that.

14) A drug dealer escaped from prison by concealing himself in a large cardboard box, which was then carried out of the facility by a courier service along with other packages. GERMANY

15) A 28 year old woman was arrested after a man came home to find the drunk woman on his roof, drinking beer, and refusing to come down unless he gave her more beer. FLORIDA

16) After drinking with a friend, a man burglarized a preschool to steal toys as holiday gifts for his children. Police found a stolen see-saw, a desk easel and some Frisbees in the man’s yard. FLORIDA

17) A woman suspected that her husband was cheating on her. She demanded that he allow her to smell his penis to determine if her fears were true. When she went to sniff, he punched her in the head, kicked her when she was on the floor, and left before the cops arrived. FLORIDA
While there might have been a fetish aspect to the penis-sniffing, this is really straight up Florida trash. Bacon Lady nailed this one, and pointed out that there is a popular rap song titled, appropriately enough, "Smell Yo Dick". The artist, Riskay-The Drama Queen, hails from Bartow in central Florida.

Germany or Florida: Amputee criminal holiday edition!

Happy holidays everyone!

With Hanukkah and Christmas right around the corner, I figured it’s time to sneak in one last Germany or Florida for the year. Since it’s the holiday season and I'm a festive bastard, I’m going to do something different and award a prize for this contest. The winner will receive a vintage pulp paperback of my choosing.

In the event that two or more contestants tie, I have no idea what I’ll do. I’ll figure something out. Maybe a 3 question lightning round tie-breaker, or perhaps both winners will get a prize, or you’ll both get nothing and like it, dammit.

UPDATED: Post your answers in the comments by 6pm, CST, Sunday, December 28th. There are some tough choices here, and I'll tell you up front that the bold "all Germany" or "all Florida" play won't work this time.

Here we go:

1) A man and woman got in an argument over her misplaced false teeth. The man gave her what she called “flying lessons”, throwing her up into the air and onto the kitchen floor. She grabbed a knife and threatened to kill him.

2) A pregnant woman wearing a cap, sunglasses and rubber gloves attempted to rob a bank. She also brought her toddler along.

3) Police officers sent to investigate a loud party were mistaken for strippers by the raucous female partygoers.

4) A man was arrested after offering to pay for his takeout order with marijuana.

5) Parents want a teacher fired after she performed a striptease for her teenaged students.

6) A boy was blasted through the window of a bathroom after making a stinky poo, spraying air freshener to cover the smell, and playing with a lighter.

7) A woman dropped by a man’s apartment to smoke some crack. While waiting, she opened some canned sardines and some sausages, enraging him. He beat her and got arrested.

8) An unknown amputee, missing both arms, managed to steal a 24” television set. He got two people to assist in somehow clamping the television to his chest before walking out. He was not caught; the theft was discovered later after when the security video was reviewed.

9) A man in a wheelchair robbed a bank. He was captured minutes later, a block away from the bank. He initially told cops he was forced to do it by two armed men who took the money from him. The cash was found in his prosthetic leg.

10) A man turned on the gas in his apartment to kill himself after his girlfriend dumped him. When the girlfriend stopped by later to pick up her things, she lit a cigarette and caused an explosion. The man was charged with murder after his neighbor died in the explosion.

11) This area is experiencing a critical shortage of shopping center Santas. Successful candidates need a “clean police record.”

12) A 37 year old man living with his parents was arrested for attempting to attack his father with the family Christmas tree.

13) A 56 year old man was stripped of his gun license after a home inspection revealed the gun was hidden under a pillow in his bed. The man’s home was being checked because he had threatened to “throw a hand grenade” if the city council approved plans for a high voltage power line near his house.

14) A drug dealer escaped from prison by concealing himself in a large cardboard box, which was then carried out of the facility by a courier service along with other packages.

15) A 28 year old woman was arrested after a man came home to find the drunk woman on his roof, drinking beer, and refusing to come down unless he gave her more beer.

16) After drinking with a friend, a man burglarized a preschool to steal toys as holiday gifts for his children. Police found a stolen see-saw, a desk easel and some Frisbees in the man’s yard.

17) A woman suspected that her husband was cheating on her. She demanded that he allow her to smell his penis to determine if her fears were true. When she went to sniff, he punched her in the head, kicked her when she was on the floor, and left before the cops arrived.

Germany or Florida: And the winner is...CANADA!

Congratulations to long-time friend of the compound Dale! He successfully went for the bold "all Florida" gambit and won this week's contest. He even did it in a typically polite and unobtrusive way:

"Is it wrong to guess Florida for all of them?"

Well done, sir!

Clearly Dale has shown unique insight into the Florida mindset. Does he winter there? Until now I had never pictured Dale as one of those millions of snowbirds who flock to Florida every year; however, a careful re-reading of his Honeypot stories made me realize she is very likely some native Florida white trash that he brought back north for his (and our) amusement.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to welcome some new visitors to the compound. Eternally Curious and Jewels both stopped by and jumped right into the contest. Thanks for visiting, and I hope you'll be back soon!

Answers and commentary are in blue.

1) A man and his girlfriend returned home after arguing in a tavern. The man wanted to have sex, and the woman didn't. The man threatened her with a rifle, but only succeeded in shooting himself.

No Bang? Bang! Bang! Xanax was also involved, in addition to the alcohol and firearms.

2) An argument between two men resulted in one of them grabbing a hammer and threatening the other. The other grabbed a letter opener and stabbed the hammer man. It was not hammer time.

Man with hammer loses to man with letter opener, police say.

3) A man wanted to teach his son "how to party right" and showed the teenager how to crush and snort prescription drugs. The son died.

Boy dies during dad's 'how to party' lesson, police say.

If I'd told you the drug was Oxycontin, it would totally have given away the source.

4) A homeless woman hit a homeless man over the head with a Heineken bottle during an argument.



Well played, Skylersdad and Kirby, for recognizing that the Heineken reference was a red herring! If I had given the reason for the argument, it would totally have nailed this as a Florida story:

"...Diane Parrish hit him over the head with a Heineken beer bottle after he told Parrish her daughter could not get her into heaven, only Jesus can, according to the report."

Remember this for future reference: Jesus + interpersonal violence=Florida.

5) A pet rat starts a fire in the owner's home.

Flaming pet rat starts fire, damages Titusville home. If I'd mentioned that the kid's parents were away doing mission work, that might have given it away (again with the Jesus=Florida). Maybe this line, delivered with typical Floridian understatement, would have done the trick:

"I had a few beers before it happened, but nothing out of the ordinary," Stanifer told Eyewitness News.

6) A driver pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving promptly urinated on himself as he asked the officer if he was in any trouble.

Driver gets pulled over, urinates on himself.

This one was tough just based on the information given. Now, if the driver had actually called the police there himself, or if he'd been stopped while fleeing from a poorly-planned robbery, that would have made it an easier Florida pick.

7) The owners of a traveling educational zoo are sued by a hotel worker who claims that her exposure to bird and monkey feces and dander caused a chronic medical condition when they stayed at her hotel.

Inn housekeeper sues Paso's traveling zoo.

Another tough call: monkeys=Germany, squalor can go either way and generally litigation=Florida. If you read the story, though, you'll see that an alligator was involved.

Germany or Florida: Oktoberfest edition

Yep, it's been a few months. Time for a round of Germany or Florida.

For you newcomers, here's how it goes: I'll give a brief description of a news story, and you guess if the story originated in Germany or Florida. Post your choices in the comments, and I'll announce the winner on Thursday. Here goes:

1) A man and his girlfriend returned home after arguing in a tavern. The man wanted to have sex, and the woman didn't. The man threatened her with a rifle, but only succeeded in shooting himself.

2) An argument between two men resulted in one of them grabbing a hammer and threatening the other. The other grabbed a letter opener and stabbed the hammer man. It was not hammer time.

3) A man wanted to teach his son "how to party right" and showed the teenager how to crush and snort prescription drugs. The son died.

4) A homeless woman hit a homeless man over the head with a Heineken bottle during an argument.

5) A pet rat starts a fire in the owner's home.

6) A driver pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving promptly urinated on himself as he asked the officer if he was in any trouble.

7) The owners of a traveling educational zoo are sued by a hotel worker who claims that her exposure to bird and monkey feces and dander caused a chronic medical condition when they stayed at her hotel.

From the Sunshine State

Truly, Florida is a land of riches.

As I've said before on these pages, I seek not merely to incarcerate, but also to lift up and educate. As part of that goal, I've decided to take the occasional story that might be used in a Germany or Florida quiz, post it and discuss its story elements. This might give readers a heightened understanding of factors used to determine the origin of a Germany or Florida story.

Meet 33 year old Patrick Shane Johnson.



Johnson was arrested for committing two bank robberies in the same day.

Now, if you just take that information, you'd probably say it was a Florida story, since bank robberies are more likely to occur in Florida than in Germany. Now, let me add some information:

By the time he did the second robbery the police already had a warrant for his arrest and were looking for him. Why? Because he wrote the demand notes on the backs of checks from his personal bank account. The police ran a name check and matched the picture from his drivers license to the surveillance video from the bank.

While he fled the first robbery (at around 10 am) in an unknown car driven by another man, he used a taxi for the second job. The taxi was driven by Dan the Taxi man, who was apparently unaware of the robbery. When the police caught Johnson after the second robbery at 3:46 pm, he had to go to the hospital "complaining of a high heart rate." That high heart rate was probably from all the crack he smoked.

Remember, gun play=Florida. So does poor planning--Floridians are addled from the heat and sun, and often intoxicated on crack cocaine and Busch beer, whereas Germans are generally more efficient. If I had given the name of the police spokeswoman, Sgt. Angy Scroble, that would've totally given away the story as Florida.

Well, that's all for today. See you soon.

Germany or Florida: and the dog day edition winner is

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie!

Longtime blog pal Johnny Yen and relative newcomer Eebie have tied for first place with an impressive 14 correct answers each. Second place goes to Canadian vixen Barbara of Bad Tempered Zombie.

We have a four-way tie for third place with 10 correct answers each. Tenacious S nearly grabbed the number 3 spot for herself, but misjudged the nature of question 17. Cap'n Ergo played the bold "all Florida" gambit, and the blogger to whom I owe everything, Melinda June, let solo possession of third place slip through her fingers with the equally bold "Wisconsin" ploy. Finally, Beckeye slipped in with a last-minute entry that I caught just as I was going through my Google news alerts before bedtime.

Well done, all of you!

And now, on to the answers...

_____________________

The eldest and I had a long conversation about the intuitive skills needed to determine whether a story hails from Germany or Florida. It's not a science, it's an art. As I've stated before, here and here, there are often subtle cultural clues that you can look for. For instance:

Sausage=Germany
Crack cocaine=Florida
Fetish or weird sex=Germany
Nudity=Germany
Cannibalism and/or body parts=Germany (Is this where Wisconsin gets it?)
Domestic violence=Florida
Pitbulls and/or gunplay=Florida
Religious zealotry=Florida
Incest and morbid obesity can go either way.

These are useful guidelines, but as you'll see they're not always reliable. Some times you just have to go with your gut.

1) A man was convicted of sending unsolicited photos of his penis via cell phone to a woman. The investigation did not reveal any reason for the digital gift. GERMANY

2) Police found a bag of crack cocaine concealed in the folds of belly fat on a 400 pound man. FLORIDA



Granted, in that black tee shirt and jacket combo he does have kind of a euro-trash Bond villain look to him, but with the crack cocaine he's all Florida, baby!

3) A woman arrested for drunk driving was also cited for not securing her 1 year old child in a car seat. Her beer was safely buckled in, though. FLORIDA

I was really happy to see that everyone got this one correct. I mean, come on.

4) Police investigated a domestic disturbance after an angry anti-smoker used a fire extinguisher to put out his girlfriend's cigarette. GERMANY

5) Two bartenders were convicted for serving at least 44 shots of tequila to a 16 year old boy, leading to his death. GERMANY

The article also mentioned schnapps, but if I'd included that it would have been a dead giveaway as a Germany story. Or maybe Wisconsin.

6) This group of soldiers has become flabby and unfit. GERMANY

7) A woman was accused of sexually assaulting her daughter with a chili pepper after beating her with an iron and and the iron's cord. FLORIDA

Tough call--the creepy sex says Germany, but the chili pepper and domestic violence say Florida.

8) A police officer was attacked by a group of 50-75 bystanders at a water park when he tried to arrest a teenager. FLORIDA

Do they have water parks in Germany? Now, if the story had said "police officer attacked by a group of 50-75 nudists"... then you might have to go for Germany as your answer.

9) A woman trying to steal cow manure fell into the manure pit and fled the scene. Naked. GERMANY

10) A woman battered her boyfriend with a toilet seat after she caught him smoking rock cocaine in the bathroom. FLORIDA

Again, classic Florida: crack cocaine + domestic violence.

11) A 46 year old man was arrested for striking his mother in the head with three pounds of sausage during an argument. FLORIDA

Now this was a tricky one. Normally sausage=Germany, but Florida generally leads in the domestic violence category.

12) A woman called police to her home after her "increasingly intoxicated" friend wouldn't stop talking to her about her personal problems...for 30 hours. GERMANY

See, Europeans are more polite. No way a Floridian would've lasted that long without turning a pit bull loose on the friend, or shooting her.

13) A man lost money at a strip club and called police. He was not satisfied with the response, so he called again and asked for different officers to respond. He was arrested. FLORIDA FLORIDA FLORIDA

Strip club=Florida. They have brothels in Germany, so there's not as big a need to blow your money on lap dances. Also, there's something uniquely Floridian about calling the police on yourself.

14) Ten military projectiles and an air-to-ground rocket were discovered on the grounds of a school. Other WWII era munitions have been discovered in the area in the past, and now everyone's wondering how much other unexploded ordinance is buried underneath all the homes that were built in the area. FLORIDA

OK, this was a trick question.

15) A car thief, attempting to escape police, drove his car into a field and bailed out. He ran into nearby woods in an attempt to escape, but was attacked by wild pigs and captured by police. GERMANY

16) Police discovered a man sitting in his van, in a wooded area, behaving suspiciously. When he gave permission to search the van, police found a collection of women's sonograms, a blond wig, rope, knives and a machete. And 18 human teeth in a film canister. FLORIDA



Another tricky one. Creepy guy in a van with knives and rope and a wig says Florida, but the collection of human teeth says Germany. Or maybe Wisconsin.

17) A man committed a robbery, and as he left the scene accepted a lift from some strangers. The strangers robbed the man, and he reported the theft of his theft proceeds to police, and got himself arrested. FLORIDA FLORIDA FLORIDA

See # 13 above. The lovely and intelligent Tenacious S read a little too much into this one. She interpreted the bad guy's actions as hitch hiking, which led her to guess Germany. Not an unreasonable conclusion, but put yourself, if you will, in the Floridian mindset. The robber comes out of the 7-11, sees some kindred spirits hanging around the parking lot, maybe drinking a 40 or hitting the pipe, or just letting their pit bulls out of the truck to take a leak. He thinks he's gotten lucky, because of course he didn't plan his robbery far enough in advance to include a getaway car. The people he approaches smell his desperation and promptly victimize him. Florida 7-11 parking lots are a Hobbesian nightmare like that.

_____________________

Thanks for playing everybody. Have a great weekend!

Germany or Florida: dog days edition

Let's get down to business.

It's been a few months, and that's just too darn long. I'll go over the rules for those of you who haven't played before:

-Read each story
-Determine if the story originates in Germany or Florida
-Post your choices in the comments section. I'll post the winners on Friday.

And now, without further ado, Germany or Florida:

1) A man was convicted of sending unsolicited photos of his penis via cell phone to a woman. The investigation did not reveal any reason for the digital gift.

2) Police found a bag of crack cocaine concealed in the folds of belly fat on a 400 pound man.

3) A woman arrested for drunk driving was also cited for not securing her 1 year old child in a car seat. Her beer was safely buckled in, though.

4) Police investigated a domestic disturbance after an angry anti-smoker used a fire extinguisher to put out his girlfriend's cigarette.

5) Two bartenders were convicted for serving at least 44 shots of tequila to a 16 year old boy, leading to his death.

6) This group of soldiers has become flabby and unfit.

7) A woman was accused of sexually assaulting her daughter with a chili pepper after beating her with an iron and and the iron's cord.

8) A police officer was attacked by a group of 50-75 bystanders at a water park when he tried to arrest a teenager.

9) A woman trying to steal cow manure fell into the manure pit and fled the scene. Naked.

10) A woman battered her boyfriend with a toilet seat after she caught him smoking rock cocaine in the bathroom.

11) A 46 year old man was arrested for striking his mother in the head with three pounds of sausage during an argument.

12) A woman called police to her home after her "increasingly intoxicated" friend wouldn't stop talking to her about her personal problems...for 30 hours.

13) A man lost money at a strip club and called police. He was not satisfied with the response, so he called again and asked for different officers to respond. He was arrested.

14) Ten military projectiles and an air-to-ground rocket were discovered on the grounds of a school. Other WWII era munitions have been discovered in the area in the past, and now everyone's wondering how much other unexploded ordinance is buried underneath all the homes that were built in the area.

15) A car thief, attempting to escape police, drove his car into a field and bailed out. He ran into nearby woods in an attempt to escape, but was attacked by wild pigs and captured by police.

16) Police discovered a man sitting in his van, in a wooded area, behaving suspiciously. When he gave permission to search the van, police found a collection of women's sonograms, a blond wig, rope, knives and a machete. And 18 human teeth in a film canister.

17) A man committed a robbery, and as he left the scene accepted a lift from some strangers. The strangers robbed the man, and he reported the theft of his theft proceeds to police, and got himself arrested.

Germany or Florida: and the winner is...

First of all, a big thank you to everyone who participated in the first Germany or Florida quiz of the new year! I think that, with a little luck and determination, over the next year or two we can turn this into the 2007 Chicago Marathon of pointless online trivia quizzes.

I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome some new visitors. Not only did they visit, they jumped right into the game. I'm not sure how or why you showed up lately, but I'm surely glad you did! A hearty compound welcome goes out to:

Mnmom Mnmom seems to be part of that cabal of midwestern bloggers that's somehow associated with Melinda June, Coaster Punchman and Lulu, and she runs a blog called Happy to be from Iowa.

Jess Wundrun Ms. Wundrun runs the aptly-named I Was Just Wondering. She hails from the Badger State, and after looking around her blog I'm happy to report that she does not appear to suffer from the depravity or necrophilia that seems to plague so many residents of Wisconsin.

Now, on to the results.

The winner is Dino aka Katy. She got every single answer correct. This marks the third time in which Ms. Katy has gotten a perfect score (twice she tied with simian savant Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein). While Ms. Katy wields something of an ethnic advantage, being German, I've seen no Floridians step up to even the playing field. Dr MVM has come close (he appears to have some kind of southern white trash detector) but he opted to sit this one out. Dino aka Katy may now retire from future quizzes, and has been made part of the official Sprawling Ramshackle Compound research team.

An honorable mention goes to Mob, of Dear Bastards, for his impressive 7 correct answers! Mob is from Texas, and I think that helps.

This was a tough one. Most of the stories lacked those subtle cultural cues that are so important. If you scored 5 or above, pat yourself on the back. Thanks in no small part to the educational efforts of this blog, most of you scored 6 out of 9.

Here are the answers, with a link to the original stories.

1. A sold cellular phone reveals video of a woman beating her child, leading to her arrest.FLORIDA
2. Neighbors complain about the scantily-clad model on the sign for a "gentlemans club" in their neighborhood. FLORIDA
   
3. A business owner fires three non-smoking employees for asking for a smoke-free environment. GERMANY
4. A yuletide prankster torments his victim by placing Christmas trees in front of his house.FLORIDA (in a town called "Niceville"!)
   
5. A man attempting to throw his old Christmas tree out of his apartment window falls three stories and suffers severe head injuries.GERMANY
6. A travel agency offers a clothing-optional charter flight for customers heading to a beachside nudist resort. GERMANY
   
7. A man sets his apartment on fire when he mistakes a bottle of gasoline for a bottle of booze, takes a big gulp and then spits it out. While smoking. GERMANY
   
8. A hitman makes four unsuccessful attempts on an elderly couple. FLORIDA
   
9. A couple were fired from their jobs when their employer found out that, instead of attending a seminar, they went to an S&M dungeon on the company's dime. GERMANY
   

Last call for this week's Germany or Florida

Come on, people, where's your competitive spirit?

So far there's only a handful of contestants for the first Germany or Florida contest of 2008. Go take a look and make your picks.

I'll post the results on Saturday.

Midweek Freak Extravaganza

I've got a little time on my hands. I'm in the middle of three days off, I've run my errands, done some of the housecleaning I'd planned on, and I've decided it's a good time to take a break from preparing my documents for next week's visit to the tax lady. I looked back through my saved Google and Reuters email alerts, and my "ideas for blog posts" bookmarks, and realized I've got a backlog. While I like to do a quasi-regular Weenie-Waver Wednesday, it just seemed like this week's collection of sex offenders were more horrible and sad than entertaining. I included the clown because, well, he's a clown. But other than that, no weenie-wavers.

So consider this post kind of a review, a freak follies if you will--a little of this, a little of that, and the year's first Germany or Florida at the end.

Before I get started, a quick update on a former Freak of the Week: Mr. Garth Flaherty. Back in March, 2007, Garth was arrested for a series of panty thefts; police found 93 pounds of women's underwear in his home. In an example of why freaks like Garth are frequently found on this blog and not in an institution, Flaherty was sentenced to only 45 days in jail, of which 30 can be served as community service. So, after all those thefts, all those burglaries, all that damnable...creepiness, here he is: back in circulation with the rest of us.

_____________________

Part One: Women Behaving Badly

An unknown woman in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, popped her top so to speak: she removed her blouse and slapped a police officer after being asked to quiet down. Alcohol was involved.

An unknown Palo Alto woman created a disturbance at a local Whole Foods by screaming, stripping herself naked, and throwing her underwear before sitting down on the floor. Details were sketchy as to whether any passersby were struck by her unmentionables.
Nicole Josephson of Des Moines, Iowa, was arrested following a domestic disturbance at her home. Ms. Josephson argued with her boyfriend, Michael Hickman. That argument resulted in Ms. Josephson taking Mr. Hickman's pizza out of the oven and dumping it in the sink. Mr. Hickman took Ms. Josephson's hardboiled eggs off the stove and dumped them into the sink. Ms. Josephson stabbed Mr. Hickman with some scissors. Mr. Hickman retreated to the neighborhood tavern, where a caring bartender dressed Mr. Hickman's wounds.

41-year old Donna Sturkie-Anthony, of North Huntingdon, PA, was arrested after beating her 43-year old sister with the sister's prosthetic leg. The report does not indicate whether or not the offender yanked the fake leg off of the victim's body prior to beating her with it. It may surprise you to discover that this incident occurred in a trailer park.

Noted British testicle ripper Amanda Monti was sentenced to prison. The report does not say for how long, but it does contain this wonderful statement from Ms. Monti:

"It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."

According to this article in the Australian Courier Mail, and this story from The Sun, Ms. Monti became enraged that the victim did not want to have sex with her. She grabbed his sack, ripped away, and then tried swallowing his testicle. When she gagged and spit out the loose ball, an alert friend of the victim grabbed it and handed it back to the victim, saying "that's yours."

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Part Two: Australian and British Journalism

The Courier Mail "Weird Stuff" section has been a great source lately. In addition to the ball-ripping yarn offered above (which, I forgot to mention, also featured a gallery titled world's notorious penis-slashers and victims) I also found these stories:

Transplant eyeball sent to pub

Man dies in crocodile orgy (now you know that caught my attention!)

And, finally, I learned about a sad little Japanese man named Takahiro Fujinuma, "37, single and unemployed" who was arrested after calling directory assistance more than 10,000 times. Why did he do this?

Because he liked to be scolded by the operators: "I would go into ecstasy when a lady scolded me".

I think that I may seriously have to reconsider the entire Germany or Florida paradigm. It might be much more appropriate to do "Britain or Australia".

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Part Three: Send in the Clowns

Ugh. Michael Fernsler of Franklin County, PA, known as Chuckles the Clown, was sentenced to 26-52 years in prison for sexually assaulting children. Michael Fernsler was also known as Officer Fernsler, and was a foster parent as well. He performed at police and fire functions, and at a local church.

What the fuck? I thought that the combination of clown/cop/religious figure would not be seen more than once. I feel bad for the guys who worked with this clown; all the cops I know are as creeped out by clowns as I am, and I can't imagine they enjoyed working next to this freak.

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Part Four: Germany or Florida

Ok, you guys know the rules: guess the origin of the story, list your answers in the comments, and I'll name the winners in a day or two.

1. A sold cellular phone reveals video of a woman beating her child, leading to her arrest.
2. Neighbors complain about the scantily-clad model on the sign for a "gentlemans club" in their neighborhood.
3. A business owner fires three non-smoking employees for asking for a smoke-free environment.
4. A yuletide prankster torments his victim by placing Christmas trees in front of his house.
5. A man attempting to throw his old Christmas tree out of his apartment window falls three stories and suffers severe head injuries.
6. A travel agency offers a clothing-optional charter flight for customers heading to a beachside nudist resort.
7. A man sets his apartment on fire when he mistakes a bottle of gasoline for a bottle of booze, takes a big gulp and then spits it out. While smoking.
8. A hitman makes four unsuccessful attempts on an elderly couple.
9. A couple were fired from their jobs when their employer found out that, instead of attending a seminar, they went to an S&M dungeon on the company's dime.
   

Germany or Florida: Post-Halloween Edition Answers

Time for some answers.

Congratulations to Katy and Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein for their perfect scores!

I've noticed before that people tend to assign a story to Germany or Florida based on certain assumptions--for instance, stories involving cannibalism = Germany, stories involving tattoos = Florida. Very often this is true, at least anecdotally, and remember that in the bold and ever-expanding science known as narcozoology, anecdotal evidence is the most important kind.

Still, I have to confess. Usually stories contain some cultural clue that has to be withheld in order to make the game more competitive. I've listed the answers to each question in a link to the original news story. I've also listed any clue that, if given, would have clearly revealed the origin of the story.

1) A man was arrested after asking his new online buddy to help him kill someone for the purpose of having sex with the corpse (and no, it's not Wisconsin--there are no trick questions here)
Florida

2) A man passed out drunk on his way home from a Halloween party, in full zombie makeup. He was mistaken for a murder victim and police were called.
Germany
(*The man was passed out on a train. Germans ride trains. Floridians don't ride trains--they walk, or ride the bus, or steal a car.)

3) A child became entangled in his family's spider web decorations and was nearly strangled to death.
Florida


4) A man was caught trying to smuggle two large dildos, hidden in sausages, into Dubai.
Germany
(*Come on--the presence of sausage was a dead giveaway. Likewise, if it had been catfish, you woulda known it was Florida. Interestingly my eldest said that Dubai was the Germany indicator--she didn't picture anyone from Florida flying to Dubai.)

5) A man was arrested for placing his roommate in a headlock and biting off part of his ear.
Florida
(*911 was called by a neighbor who was out walking his pit bull. That is pure Florida there.)

6) Prison guards allowed two female inmates to wed each other in an elaborate ceremony featuring wedding rings fashioned from human hair and dental floss.
Florida
(*The guards were suspended for doing this. According to my eldest, the idea of a lesbian prison wedding sounded kind of like something that might be done in a progressive European nation. The fact that the participating guards were disciplined indicated that it happened here in the USA.)

Germany or Florida: Post Halloween Edition

It's hard to say goodbye to Halloween.

Once again I'm having that post-Halloween letdown. It's made a little easier by the knowledge that we're never more than a few days away from our next scary movie rental, and we can always stop and look at the Dia De Los Muertos stuff in our dining room.

Looking around this morning I saw that Kirby is experiencing those Halloween blues too, aggravated by a loss in her family and the wildfire evacuations and all...stop by and wish her well.

Mob has a horrid little video set to a horrorpunk song "1,000 Corpses", and Kim from A Sunny Thought has some nice stuff here if you don't feel like letting go yet.

There's a dozen things I should be doing, but I'm sitting on my ass swilling coffee, waiting for inspiration to strike.

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A quick round of Germany or Florida, now that's the ticket!

1) A man was arrested after asking his new online buddy to help him kill someone for the purpose of having sex with the corpse (and no, it's not Wisconsin--there are no trick questions here)

2) A man passed out drunk on his way home from a Halloween party, in full zombie makeup. He was mistaken for a murder victim and police were called.

3) A child became entangled in his family's spider web decorations and was nearly strangled to death.

4) A man was caught trying to smuggle two large dildos, hidden in sausages, into Dubai.

5) A man was arrested for placing his roommate in a headlock and biting off part of his ear.

6) Prison guards allowed two female inmates to wed each other in an elaborate ceremony featuring wedding rings fashioned from human hair and dental floss.

Leave your best guesses in the comments. Answers tomorrow.

Now, it's on to Thanksgiving...