Most people don't realize it, but mankind is locked in a savage battle with alligators. And crocodiles. With all of nature, come to think of it. That Chinese zoo keeper forgot that, and he learned a hard lesson.
This time last year reptilians were on the attack, thinning the old and the crack-addled from the human herd with ruthless lizard-brain efficiency. The crocodilians are once again planning their annual spring offensive, as witnessed by the attack on the Taiwanese zoo keeper. Well, I'm proud to report that this year man kind has realized that the best defense is a good offense, and is acting accordingly.
An adroit trapper in Boynton Beach, Florida, caught a 350 pound scout gator as it tried to cut off human escape routes by biting the tires of passing cars. The gator is going to be put down like a mad dog. Or a mad gator.
Some alert cops in Fort Pierce, Florida found a gator prowling a commercial area. The gators realize that if we stop visiting our retail centers, our economy collapses. And if we stop shopping, the gators have won. The town fathers of Fort Pierce extended an olive branch to the gator community by releasing this one back to his own kind. A horrible mistake, in my opinion.
The Lone Star State has, so far, avoided the carnage that's been visited upon the people of Florida. Why? Because, in Texas, they shoot first. Texas has announced its first spring alligator hunting season. How will they kill these beasts?
• Line set.
• Alligator gig.
• Hand-held snare with integral locking mechanism.
• Lawful archery gear, with barbed arrow.
• Firearms - but only on private property. (This last one cracks me up. As if any real Texan needs permission to shoot a kill-crazy giant reptile on his own damn property.)
Godspeed, Texan gator hunters. I'll be down there in June to check on your progress.
Even as we celebrate these latest triumphs, it's clear that alligators continue to exploit human weakness. According to this story, police in Massachussets have found alligators during drug raids not once, but twice--in September and in February.