Monday, April 16, 2007

World War G

And that "G" stands for "Gator"

Most people don't realize it, but mankind is locked in a savage battle with alligators. And crocodiles. With all of nature, come to think of it. That Chinese zoo keeper forgot that, and he learned a hard lesson.

This time last year reptilians were on the attack, thinning the old and the crack-addled from the human herd with ruthless lizard-brain efficiency. The crocodilians are once again planning their annual spring offensive, as witnessed by the attack on the Taiwanese zoo keeper. Well, I'm proud to report that this year man kind has realized that the best defense is a good offense, and is acting accordingly.

An adroit trapper in Boynton Beach, Florida, caught a 350 pound scout gator as it tried to cut off human escape routes by biting the tires of passing cars. The gator is going to be put down like a mad dog. Or a mad gator.

Some alert cops in Fort Pierce, Florida found a gator prowling a commercial area. The gators realize that if we stop visiting our retail centers, our economy collapses. And if we stop shopping, the gators have won. The town fathers of Fort Pierce extended an olive branch to the gator community by releasing this one back to his own kind. A horrible mistake, in my opinion.

The Lone Star State has, so far, avoided the carnage that's been visited upon the people of Florida. Why? Because, in Texas, they shoot first. Texas has announced its first spring alligator hunting season. How will they kill these beasts?

• Line set.

• Alligator gig.

• Hand-held snare with integral locking mechanism.

• Lawful archery gear, with barbed arrow.

• Firearms - but only on private property. (This last one cracks me up. As if any real Texan needs permission to shoot a kill-crazy giant reptile on his own damn property.)


Godspeed, Texan gator hunters. I'll be down there in June to check on your progress.

Even as we celebrate these latest triumphs, it's clear that alligators continue to exploit human weakness. According to this story, police in Massachussets have found alligators during drug raids not once, but twice--in September and in February.

9 comments:

Beth said...

I have to admit, I love a good body-part-in-a-gator photo.

Mob said...

I have to admit I doubt I'll see a lot of gators hereabouts in West Texas, but it's nice to know that we have the same kinda carte blanche to kill them that we do with most other species.

Texas in June? What for, pray tell?

Coaster Punchman said...

I'm fairly certain you're already aware of this.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Can you imagine what those babies could do if they had opposable thumbs?

Bubs said...

Barbara, some nights I lie awake thinking about it.

CP, yes indeed. That's a tough call, because as savage as the gators are, the pythons are foreign interlopers, and as a proud gun-owning American I'm supposed to be against that.

mob, you're lucky. West Texas' lack of bayous and swamps protects you. We're visiting MizBubs' brother in San Antonio and poking around the hill country for a week or so.

Beth, who doesn't?

Dino aka Katy said...

Okay can I see the video where they use Bow and Arrows to kill the gators? I mean I am all for fair play and this why the gator got an even chance (well maybe a chance more in his favor)

Johnny Yen said...

Yeah, they have to settle for mere rattlers and scorpions in West Texas.

Bubs said...

Katy, a bow and arrow from a boat isn't exactly what you'd call a fair fight either. Jumping into a swamp clutching a big knife, now that's a fair fight.

Johnny, scorpions give me the willies. We can't go barefoot in the yard down there and we always check our shoes before we put them on because of the scorpions. They get in the house occasionally, but not too much.

I love Texas.

Johnny Yen said...

And now the gators are holding the swimming pools in suburban paradises hostage:

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/us/AP-Alligator-Apprehended.html