I should've worn a mask and washed my hands. Here goes:
I woke up hungry. I pulled my bedroom curtain to the side and looked out on a hazy morning. I dragged myself into the kitchen, in search of something to eat. I reached for a jar of applesauce sitting next to the sink, and found it very cold to the touch. I opened the jar and realized it was frozen. (Splotchy)
My first idea was to put the applesauce in the microwave. Hey, I was still tired. Could I scoop some out and put whipped cream on it? No, too solid. Why was it so damn cold in here? I walked over to the thermostat and saw that the heat hadn't clicked on all night and the temperature had dropped substantially overnight. Now, tired and hungry, I opened the access panel on the heater. There's the problem: why was someone cooking a duck in here? (SamuraiFrog)
I bent down and scooped up the uncooked duck carcass. There was no way I was going to let it go to waste, especially considering I had applesauce on hand. I placed it in a roasting pot and went back to reset the heater. As I continued to wake up, I realized that my roommate had spent the night at his girlfriend's place and couldn't have put the duck there. "How the hell did it get there?" I wondered. Just then, an already odd situation became even stranger. The lifeless duck animated, flapped its featherless wings, and began to speak. (Some Guy)
Ahhh Christ. Another tear in the continuum, and now I gotta listen to some talking duck carcass? Fuck that. I throttled that slimy featherless freak creature and tossed it right into the garbage where it belonged. I needed a drink. The bitter slap of Malort would've gotten the memory of talking duck carcass right out of my mind, but I was out. It would have to be black coffee and absinthe. Yeah, that should do it. The morning pot was full, and I knew I had a bottle of the green fairy here somewhere...
No time for sugar cubes or ice water. Nope. Time to slurp and guzzle, and get a grip.
There. Yeah. That's the ticket. Let the booze numb and the caffeine innervate.
What's that rustling sound in the garbage can? Oh no...
I tag MizBubs, Dena, Johnny Yen, Doc, Skyler's Dad and anyone else who wants to wrestle with this.