Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
-William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
Now there's more things in Tennessee
Than is dreamed of in your philosophy.
-Lux Interior, "Cornfed Dames"
Strange doings lately, so strange I'm reluctant to even post them here, but I'll struggle through in the interest of public service. It seems like more and more of the naked walking among us are just plain angry. Sure, we expect the naked to do strange stuff, but we don't necessarily see a naked man or woman and think "honey, fetch my pepper spray and a meat hammer, this looks like trouble". Until now.
Meet 74 year old Donald Kenney of Vancouver, Washington:
Kenney was sunbathing nude at Rooster Rock State Park in Oregon. When a 45 year old man and his two daughters drifted ashore on a raft, Kenney attacked the man with a collapsible police baton, striking him multiple times.
Police in Twinsburg, Ohio, were dispatched to investigate a report of a suspicious man at a BP gas station. The man entered a restroom with several unknown items, only to emerge moments later "naked and mumbling." As is so often the story in cases like this, the naked mumbler got a tasering before he was taken into custody. The mumbler spoke up enough to indicate that he had explosives, and the bomb squad was called out.
30 year old Johnathon Cecil Foster (no photo available) of Kennewick, Washington, was arrested for "allegedly fondling himself while following a garbage truck." Sheesh, if only I had a dollar for every time I'd heard this story:
Foster said he had been in an apartment and had gone outside to drink some alcohol and smoke, Swartswalter said. He told police he then realized he locked himself out and walked over urinated just as the garbage truck pulled up, Swartswalter said.
Foster claimed he had his shorts on the whole time and just dropped them down while relieving himself.
He said he followed the garbage truck because he was upset that the driver was looking at him...
Bath time with the kids went horribly wrong at the Springer household in Fostoria, Ohio. Next thing you know, Mrs. Elizabeth C. Springer, naked, was stabbing Mr. Springer in the leg and biting him in the arm. Police found her hiding in the bushes. Alcohol was involved.
35 year old Charles Sell of Las Vegas got naked and stole a beer from a convenience store. He tried to hug a bus before punching out a window, chasing away the driver and stealing the bus for a short ride. Mr. Sell received some clothing and a free mental health evaluation courtesy of Clark County after he was taken into custody. You can see some fun video from inside the bus here. Check out the cool headed cop who jumps into the slow moving bus and stops it.
Iowa delivers again!
Check out Francis Brandon Arant, white trash ginger freak, and his sidekick/getaway driver Kyle Yoder:
Arant was arrested after a woman found him in her home, naked, at 8:42 am. He left after she yelled at him, and sauntered next door before being picked up by his buddy Kyle. Kyle was drunk, and Francis said he was "under the influence of an illegal substance."
Republican lobbyist and former Nebraska legislative candidate Charles "Chuck" Stepanek pled no contest to a driving under the influence charge on July 28. In exchange for his plea, prosecutors dropped several charges, including possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of marijuana, reckless driving and disturbing the peace.
What got "Chuck" into all this trouble? On May 29, in Lincoln, "Chuck" was seen naked at a convenience store, buying a beverage. He was seen a short time later, still naked, at a car lot. Then he got back in his car and drove into a light pole. "Chuck" initially denied being under the influence of any drugs, and expected to be "fully exonerated." He said at the time of the incident "he was experiencing a mental psychosis because of several setbacks."
Finally we have the Rev. Scott Murray of Haywood County, North Carolina:
Rev. Murray didn't get naked, but he sure got freaky. Rev. Murray broke into a woman's home and stole "a sex toy and a bottle of personal lubricant." He broke his leg running from the crime scene. You can see a TV news report here, featuring interviews with shocked congregation members.
And now, my friends, there's nothing to do but coast until the weekend.