Wednesday, September 05, 2007

I don't know how to say this

I probably won't be posting any time soon, or commenting much on any of your blogs.

Without going into a lot of morbid detail, a friend of mine, a coworker who I've known for 12 years, killed himself last week.

This man was, without a doubt, the best of all of us. There were no signs of depression that we could see, and he was literally the last person any of us would have thought to be at risk. I was put in charge of coordinating the department's arrangements and acting as the department liaison to the family. The last week has been a blur of meetings with grieving family, funeral directors, priests, social workers, Honor Guard members and phone calls and visits with other officers. We stood guard over his coffin Friday night during the visitation, and he was so loved that his procession was over a mile long on Saturday.

MizBubs attempted to post something to explain my absence, but couldn't bring herself to do it. She has been an amazing woman through this, and no one should have to have heard the things she listened to me saying these past few days.

It has been a difficult time. I had two days off and I'm back at work now, finishing up some administrative details. My online classes were supposed to start yesterday, and my classroom classes start Monday. It may be too much for now, and I need to decide whether to continue or withdraw by the end of this week. The Chicago Marathon is 4 weeks away, and while I feel healthy, I'm also more exhausted than I remember ever feeling in my life.

Go find someone you love and hug them, and tell them you love them.

27 comments:

Beth said...

Oh, Bubs, I'm so very sorry. My thoughts are with you. We'll see you when we see you.

Chris said...

I'm really sorry, Bubs. Take your time with this. We'll be here.

Flannery Alden said...

You have my sympathy. Hang in there, good sir.

Mob said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, my deepest condolences.

justacoolcat said...

You have my greatest sympathies, my friend.

Tenacious S said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I had the feeling something was really wrong. Please know that I'll be thinking of you and all who were touched by this tragic loss. Love to you and your family as you navigate your way through the pain.

Bill T said...

Hugs to you and yours. Call any time.
I spoke to Phil G the other day. If it seems like you're going to overload, try spending a whole day at the movies. Seems to work for him.
Love, Bill

Tanya Espanya said...

I'm sorry. I can't imagine how you're feeling. I'm glad you have MizBubs.
Hugs to you both.

Echo said...

Hang in there, Bubs. I'm very sorry for your loss...

Laura said...

Very sorry bubs. Hang in there. I kept checking every day to see if you were back cause this is a really cool blog. I can understand that you have way too much going on to be spending time on the internet for fun. So concentrate on what is important right now and we'll see you around. Lauralu.

Grant Miller said...

Thank goodness there are people like you and the Miz in the world.

anandamide said...

Ouch, this must be a tough time. Hang in there Bubs.

jin said...

Oh bubs....am so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself, we'll always be here anytime you need to vent.
Cyber hugs to you and miz bubs.

Coaster Punchman said...

I echo the sentiments above. Come back when you're ready; we'll be here.

CP+Poor George

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I can't begin to tell you how very sorry I am, Bubs. My heart goes out to his family.

And what a terrible shock that must have been for you and your colleagues. I wish you all peace.

Bubs said...

Thank you, thank you all.

Forgive me for commenting back at you. I am administering beer or bourbon, attempting to force myself into sleep so I can get up tomorrow morning and go back to work. There have been a few nights where I haven't had anything, and a couple where I've had as much as I could get just to pass out and get some sleep. I've run to wear myself out, and done yardwork, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

You guys are great. Seriously.

Me and my best friend on the job drank a toast tonight:

"Here's to a kidney stone of a week--painful as hell, but you're glad when it passes."

I hope it's passed. We'll see. Seriously, thank you for all your kind words. I withdrew from grad school today, so hopefully now I'll have a little more time and energy to sort things out.

Thanks again. Your comments are all wonderful

lulu said...

Oh Joe. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the pain that you and your friends and family are going through. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Lauren

BeckEye said...

Bubs I'm so sorry to hear about this and for the pain that you and your family/friends are going through. Take your time to sort it out...we'll be here when you return.

Dino aka Katy said...

there is nothing to say that those before me haven't said. I am sorry hang in there we are all here if you need us

kim said...

Bubsy,

I went through this with Brian. He needed to hang back and think. I thought he should move forward and keep going. It's weird how we react to stuff like this. Do what you need to do; and as Mr. Yen likes to quote regarding loving life...he quotes Warren Zevon:
"Enjoy every sandwich."

Dale said...

Thinking of you Bubs and wishing you the best at this very difficult time. Hugs and bourbon.

Writeprocrastinator said...

I'm sorry to hear that. Condolences to his family, and to you and yours.

Johnny Yen said...

Sorry to take so long to comment-- I'm still stunned by the news.

As Kim mentioned, and as you know, I dealt with the death of a close friend last year. You've got the added pain of the fact that your friend took his own life.

About ten years ago, another friend took his life. He had gotten in a fight with his girlfriend over drug use-- drug use he hid from me, knowing I'd have dragged his ass to rehab. I remember running over every recent conversation we'd had again and again in my head, looking for clues. There were none. He made a decision and turned to no one, including me.

I'm glad you're letting yourself go ahead and grieve. It's important to let yourself do that.

jewgirl said...

Bubbsie, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Suicide is horrific. It's a tragic way to lose someone you love so very much.

You are in my thoughts, child.

If you ever need an ear to bend, don't hesitate for a second. You just take care of yourself. We'll be here when you're ready.

DCup said...

Bubs - So, so sorry.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

For me, last year, 3rd Monday in May. One of my dearest friends in the world. Interconnected with various strands of my web for 25 years. I knew he wasn't in a super-great state, but you wouldn't have known it the night before.

This is going to hurt beyond all measure for a long time, friend.

In a particularly depressed moment a year before that, he had metioned something about having crammed 90 years into 45 and being "ready." If only. But maybe so.

We talked. I suggest he get back into therapy and concurrently see if he could find a agent of some kind that might work and if his shrink was OK with it not to sweat having to be the perfect AA man with all the chips. That he'd win plenty in a big cash game and that maybe harm reduction was best but that guilt was worse.

I have no answers and I don't want any.

If you ever want to discuss this you know where to find me. I've been there and I'm here.

This is going to be just beyond awful for a while. So gear down. Blogosphere will still be here when you get back.

Danny Tagalog said...

Hey Bubs, just read this - and really hope that weeks later it's all in perspective. It's a shame he couldn't express his feelings but hey....I don't know the situation, and I'm sure it's been shitty but I hope that unpleasant tide has turned.

Good luck with the studies and the marathon and Keep Blogging - I'm too busy too, but your site is always hilarious and makes me (and my friends/family) laugh. So thank you.

It's *really* important to express feelings of gratitude isn't it....