Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Christmas time in Florida



While most residents of Florida are busy preparing for Christmas by setting up vaguely futuristic and disturbing nativity scenes made from mannequins, other Floridians find themselves stressed out by the holidays.


Like Matthew P. Lankford of Winter Haven.

Mr. Lankford's sister, Audra, got in some kind of a beef with a neighbor, Douglas Sheldon, while Mr. Sheldon was parking his truck. Audra called Matthew and told him about it.

Matthew must have been having a rough day. Maybe the $179 worth of lottery tickets he bought didn't pay out; maybe his pit bull got eaten by an alligator. Perhaps his inflated sense of family honor kicked in and he couldn't bear the idea of anyone disrespecting his sister. Who knows.

What we
do know is that, shortly after getting that call from his sister, Mr. Lankford drove through Douglas Sheldon's yard, running over all of Mr. Sheldon's Christmas decorations. He even decapitated a snowman.

Mr. Sheldon responded by running over to Mr. Lankford's house, where, according to this story in the Orlando Sentinel, "an argument ensued between the men and
several other people." (**Note: white trash neighbor disputes are a prized form of entertainment in certain communities, and frequently draw good crowds.)

Well, this madness had to come to an end eventually. So Mr. Lankford produced a .45 handgun and shot Mr. Sheldon a couple of times to prove his point.

Mr. Sheldon underwent surgery and is recovering. Mr. Lankford will spend Christmas in jail; a holiday meal of turkey loaf and pruno is a small price to pay for defending your sister's honor.

11 comments:

Erik Donald France said...

those aliens are far more disturbing . . . looks like those weird "We are the Clones" people.

As far as the yardbird brouhaha, reminds me of the quip from Chrystal -- "Redneck Fight Club!" Yeahdawg --

anandamide said...

for some reason the Betty Page greeting elevated me (oops !!!) for just a moment. And this brought me crashing right back down to earth.

And people wonder how Bush got elected? This pretty much explains everything.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Well if people aren't going to park properly, somebody's gonna pay god damn it!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

That whole scene reminds me of some of my family's famliy reunions. Good times, good times.

kirby said...

I'm pretty sure spinning donuts on the baby Jesus would get you a one-way ticket to hell. God, I would love to see that, though.

SkylersDad said...

Recovering from a 45 round? That's one tough hombre!

Johnny Yen said...

I didn't have the defense of family honor as much of an issue in my family. One of my brothers had the good sense to stay out of trouble. The other, I discovered early on, was inevitably the one who was the asshole in various disputes with other people, including marriages, and I let him handle his own problems, even though I was the older brother.

Bubs said...

Johnny Yen, see, you're not white trash. If you were you'd be ready to go into battle at the drop of a hat, even for a sibling you'd just got done beating the crap out of yourself.

Skylersdad, I know! More than one!

Kirby, I can only imagine the horrified faces of the children, standing out there with their sippy cups full of RC Cola or YooHoo as Santa's head came peeling off. Baby Jesus would have been like the double bonus round.

Dr MVM, heh.

Barbara, that's the spirit!

Anandamide, why do you hate America? And Christmas?

Erik, right!

Bawb said...

Our white trash is...well, exotic: My first-born or her boyfriend answer the insistant doorbell only to hear a demanding: "IS ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE JEWISH!"

Taught everyone to say
"No" despite being Jewish. These Israeli hustlers assume my family is the
"colored help." Fine. What PO's me is how they bully any less-than-Super-Ortho Jew into donating more than anything reasonable.

When I DO answer, I smile: "Hi! Loan me five-thousand, okay?" Their expressions are worth the annoyance.

Dino aka Katy said...

hihi free entertainment got to love it

Bubs said...

katy, yes indeed!

Bawb, that is brilliant. I'm not sure, technically, that Jews can be white trash, I think of it as such a gentile phenomenon...I'll have to consider this.