Merry Christmas from Asia

Last year Japan gave us Santa Whale:

More Super # 1 Santa Whale Photo for making Christmas Joy!

Not to be outdone, this year Korea has given us Santa Penguins:



The penguins are part of the Christmas Fantasy celebration at Everland Resort, Korea's largest theme park. Everland also features something called "Friendly Monkey Valley" where visitors can "Have Good Time With Golden Monkey Friends!"

Judging from some of the other pictures, small children who visit are required to wear painfully adorable matching tiger cub winter hats while interacting with the penguins.

Here comes Santa Claus

Season's Greetings

I like getting Christmas cards. I'm lousy at sending them though, because I'm a thoughtless procrastinating loser who, when it comes right down to it, doesn't care enough to adequately plan to make the small simple gesture of sending a greeting card at this most joyous time of year. I make grand plans, and extensive lists, and earnestly intend to send clever and heartfelt cards right up until 2 or 3 days before Christmas when I realize it's too late and shitcan the whole idea. I've gone through this process every year for nearly a decade now, and it's become a reliable holiday tradition for me.

At work, though, that doesn't matter much. There are certain suppliers who send cards because they're grateful for the business I can occasionally send their way. I don't have to do a thing.

The other day I got this very pleasant greeting card:

I opened it and found this friendly, yet vague and inoffensive greeting:

And what are these "gifts of the season"? Well, Aftermath, Inc, has been thoughtful enough to list them on this business card that they thoughtfully enclosed in my greeting:

Happy holidays!

There's a reason we eat turkeys on Thanksgiving

And you want to know what that reason is?

It's because turkeys are aggressive, kill crazy birds that are increasingly marauding into suburban backyards across the nation, and they need to be controlled, that's why.

Ben Franklin understood the true nature of the turkey, and wanted the turkey to be used as the symbol of our great nation instead of the bald eagle. He undoubtedly knew the fear that the warlike turkey would strike into the hearts of enemies:

For the Truth the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America . . . He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard...

Yes, it's true that reasonable people have far more to fear from alligators than from turkeys. For now. But that doesn't mean we should, for a moment, let our guard down.

Witness the horror of this unprovoked attack. Anecdotal evidence clearly proves that turkeys are increasingly targeting the youngest and most vulnerable among us:



Witness this unprovoked attack on a woman in North Olmsted, Ohio, as she's driven back into the safety of her home by a rampaging tom:



As I said before, this phenomenon is not limited to one region. Attacks have been documented throughout the midwest as well as in Pennsylvania and Massachusetts. The Boston Globe recently ran a helpful article titled Tips to stop wild turkeys from terrorizing you. As a public service, I'll reprint some of the best advice from the article:

• Don’t let the turkeys intimidate you. Don't hesitate to scare or threaten a bold, aggressive turkey with loud noises, swatting with a broom or water sprayed from a hose. A dog on a leash is also an effective deterrent.
• Cover windows and other reflective objects. If a turkey is pecking at a shiny object such as a vehicle or window, cover or otherwise disguise the object. Harass the bird by chasing it, squirting with a hose or other means of aggression...
• Educate your neighbors. Pass this information along: Your efforts will be futile if neighbors are providing food for turkeys or neglecting to act boldly towards the birds. It requires the efforts of the entire neighborhood...

"Educate your neighbors. Pass this information along..." Sound advice, my friends.

Finally, one last video that offers hope. It is much the same with turkey attacks as it is with flesh eating zombie outbreaks: very often the gun-happy redneck is best equipped to recognize and deal with the threat. This video is a perfect illustration both of the turkey's aggression, and the appropriate human response. Watch as the savage tom turkey pwns a decoy, and is in turn totally pwn'd by a trio of hillbilly ninjas somewhere in Florida:



CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

I am a lousy Santa

Let me explain.

Recently, courtesy of Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein, I signed on to participate in the Zaius and Monkerstein's Simian Secret Santa. I thought it sounded like a swell idea, and I threw my name in on December 22nd when I was full of Christmas vinegar. I was excited to draw the name of one Germaine Gregarious, whose blog I've only just started reading. For that matter, I had only recently taken notice of Zaius Nation, and boy, do I got lots of catching up to do...

Well, I may not be a writer or a strategic sales executive, but I do know how to procrastinate. And doggone it if December 25 didn't come and go without me bestowing a single gift on my target, Germaine Gregarious. I was somewhat relieved when I found out that Ms. Gregarious was my secret Santa, and she was also stylishly late with the gift-giving. And oh, she was something else--she made it through the dogs and concertina wire, past the trap guns, and managed to get into the Compound tiki bar to fix us up a batch of Mai Tais!

But then the paralysis set back in, and I wasn't able to do my Santa thing.

Until tonight.

And really, what does it matter? The days between Christmas and New Year's Eve are the least productive of the year (except around here when we're celebrating Guy Fawkes Day) so being a few days late, hopefully, won't unduly piss off the beautiful and apparently lethal Ms. Gregarious.

_____________________

Well, I know Ms. Gregarious has a thing for pink pistols, and I'm a certified Glock armorer, so I thought the first thing I'd get her, simply as a little lagniappe, was a custom Glock pistol with a nifty tactical light attached:


Then I thought some more. While her Nefarious Lair has plenty of pink pistols already, they seemed to me to be lacking in longer-range firepower. The obvious choice was this perky Hello Kitty .223 carbine:

Then another thought occurred to me. Maybe the fabulous Germaine Gregarious was tired of pink firepower. Maybe she'd appreciate a little something different. Maybe a bright, summery lime green assault rifle, courtesy of the folks at DuraCoat:

I almost regifted, being sorely tempted to help Germaine protect her lair with my own Operation X-500 Rocket Launcher and Defense Base:


But my kids said no way, and I kept the X-500. I mean, come on--wouldn't you?

Finally, as I got to the last few million dollars in my budget (that X-500 is one cost overrun after another) I came up with something fun and practical for Ms. Gregarious.

I decided that I would furnish her with a personal staff, and pay their salaries and all expenses through the next election cycle. And believe me, these gals don't come cheap.

I got her a personal secretary

A research assistant who specializes in doing opposition research

And finally, a highly skilled night nurse, for mending wounds and conserving fighting strength when those secret missions get rough:

Merry Christmas Germaine Gregarious!

Today's the day!

It's December 26, and you know what that means.


Happy Boxing Day!


It also means that tonight is the night for all of us in the Chicago area to get together at the fabulous Hala Kahiki Lounge in River Grove, Illinois. MizBubs and I will be there around 7pm, but the lavish awards ceremony for this year's Drysdale winners kicks off some time after 8.


I don't know about you, but I'm hoping I get to sit next to Charo.

You can find directions and more info in this post here.

Merry Christmas baby...

Swag?

Check.

Belly full of food?

Check.

Family?

Check.

Peace on earth, goodwill toward men?

...Well, at least for now, in this little corner of the world, yeah.

Merry Christmas.

Helpful last-minute gift ideas for children

For those of you who have put off shopping for your nieces or nephews, here are some clever last-minute ideas. Each of these is meant to encourage and expand a young person's interest in science; these gifts are thrifty AND educational! All of these items can be had at whatever Walgreen's or Jewels is open late on Christmas Eve.

Give them a big bottle of Diet Coke and some Mentos. Watch what happens.

Give them a big bag of marshmallows, and instructions on how to cook them in their parent's microwave oven. If you're feeling really generous, give them that old microwave oven that you keep down in the basement.

Give them a box of baking soda, a bottle of vinegar and some red food dye. It's volcano time!

Believe me, their parents will thank you!

Merry Christmas!

December 26 post-holiday choir practice

Remember folks, December 26 is right around the corner, and that means:

• Deep discounts on Christmas decorations, gift wrap and greeting cards!
• Special day-after-Christmas sales at your favorite stores!
• Back to work, you.
• It's time for a lovely informal gathering of all your favorite bloggers!

Chris at Some Guy's Blog has featured this event, and this year Mr. Grant Miller of Grant Miller Media will be hosting a lavish award ceremony to recognize this year's Drysdale Award winners.

This year we'll be meeting at the fabulous Hala-Kahiki Lounge at 2834 River Road in River Grove. The Hala-Kahiki is the oldest tiki bar in the Chicago area, and features a wonderful assortment of reasonably-priced exotic drinks, as well as your standard beers and hard liquors for the less adventurous.

MizBubs and I plan on arriving around 7 pm, but it looks like most of the really cool kids won't get there until closer to 8pm. The lavish award ceremony is scheduled to kick off then.

For those of you taking public transportation, it looks like you could take the 331 PACE bus from the Cumberland Avenue El stop. You can see the CTA System Map here. Metra's Milwaukee District West line stops at River Grove, .8 mile away from the Hala Kahiki. You can see the station on this map:


View Larger Map

If anyone needs a lift to or from the Metra station, email me and let me know.

Hope everyone gets through the next couple of days healthy and happy. See you Wednesday night!

Baby it's cold outside

Best way to keep your honey warm? Pour it into a mug full of hot tea, lemon and bourbon to fight off the cold you're coming down with...

Santa Claus is back in town

Just ask Elvis. Here he is to tell you all about it:

Wish You a Nice Weekend

I know it's not holiday-themed, but I still think it's a nice thought.

I must make amends

I was in a dark and troubled place when I subjected you all to those scary Santas.

Please allow me, in the few days I have left before Christmas, to make amends. You know, like when Ebeneezer Scrooge buys a goose and runs around making merry, only I'm getting started before Christmas Eve. I don't need ghostly visits to make me get my act together. No sir.

Allow me to begin with a Santa who's altogether more pleasing to the eye:

Enough with the scary Santas...

It's morning now, and the days will be getting longer. The long night of the Santas is over.

I just found out that there's a good collection of Santa pictures over at the Chicago Tribune web page. That's where this morning's bug-eyed Uncle Fester Santa came from.

Most of the earlier photos came from the Scared of Santa Gallery from the South Florida Sun-Sentinel web page. The Scared of Santa Gallery features, in my humble opinion, a better collection of Santas. Of course, it's a Florida paper, so they should know scary.

It's just about time to head in for work. Only two more days to go. I hope nothing else comes up between now and Christmas Eve.

My Christmas spirit took a beating this week, but fought back hard, and I think with a little cookie baking, present wrapping and bourbon-soaked eggnogg I should recover ok before the holiday.

Enjoy the weekend!

Longest night of the year

One time there was this horrible Santa who would try and entertain the children by showing them his fake wooden eye.

Longest night of the year...

Keenan Wynn was a disaster as Santa Claus.

Longest night of the year

Motel lounge Santa smells like Ron Jeremy.

Longest night of the year

There's always one kid in the bunch who tries to pretend that nothing is wrong. You know the type.

More SUPER # 1 Santa Whale Photo for making Christmas Joy!

Santa Whale makes Christmas joy by kissing pretty girl scientist!



Here Santa Whales have holiday fun together!

Santa Whale big in Japan!