Thursday, January 03, 2008


I owe you all an apology.

It's easy to become complacent. So easy to post drink recipes, and pinups, and pictures of the occasional predatory Santa. All these distractions have served to take my focus away from what I should be doing first and foremost, and the first week of the new year is a perfect time to correct the course.

What is it I should be doing, you ask?

Reminding each and every one of you that there is a war on. World War G. As I've stated before, mankind is locked in a savage battle with the order Crocodilia, and in this great nation we are specifically under attack by the family Alligatoridae--the alligator.

The most frightening aspect of World War G is the realization that certain humans have seen fit to cast their lot with the reptiles. In some cases a do-gooder "naturalist" might have convinced them that we can coexist with gators; more often though (certainly more than any so-called "authorities" would care to admit), drugs are involved. The alligator/cocaine nexus has been well-documented, nearly as much as the religion/porn nexus.

With that in mind, the news from El Cajon, California, is grim.

Christopher Shawn Hendry, Jr. avoided prison time and was sentenced to probation for illegally possessing an alligator, 27 venomous snakes, an illegal assault rifle, and a pistol fitted with a silencer. He also kept ammunition stored in his 2 year old daughter's bedroom, and had over 100 pounds of fireworks.

Sweet weeping Jesus on the cross, what kind of country do we live in that can't put a man like this in prison?

Of course the gator apologists in the mainstream media have downplayed this incident. Headlines like this one

Man Found With Exotic Pets in Home Sentenced

really don't paint an accurate picture. "Exotic pets"!?

How about a headline like this:


Now that's a headline.

So, this is my pledge to you. I will never forget, nor will I let you forget. We will remain strong and vigilant in the face of danger. We'll stay focused. And, God willing, we'll prevail.

I'm going to start by posting these Alligator Safety Tips, courtesy of the South Florida Sun-Sentinel:


  • Never allow small children or pets near water by themselves.

  • Do not allow pets to swim, exercise or drink from lakes or canals that may contain alligators. Dogs are highly susceptible to attack since they resemble the natural prey of alligators.

  • Do not swim outside of posted swimming areas or in waters that might be inhabited by alligators.

  • Alligators are most active between dusk and dawn. Leave alligators alone. State law prohibits killing, harassing or possession of alligators.

  • Never feed alligators. When fed, alligators overcome their natural wariness and learn to associate people with food.

  • At boat ramps and fish camps, dispose of fish in garbage cans. Do not throw them in the water.

  • Never remove an alligator from its natural habitat or accept one as a pet. They do not become tame in captivity and handling even small ones can result in injury.

  • Seek immediate medical attention if bitten by an alligator. Bites often result in serious infection.
Please, commit these to memory. They could save your life, or the lives of your loved ones. I would add one more to this list: stay away from that crack pipe, especially if you plan on hanging out near a gator hole.

Finally, I'd like to unveil a project I began working on in 2007. This is just the prototype, so bear with me as I make improvements in the coming months (I gladly welcome technical assistance from any of you computer-savvy readers out there, and a grateful nation would thank you for your service).

Behold, the Sprawling Ramshackle Compound Alligator Threat Map:

View Larger Map

Remember, the watchword for 2008 remains



SkylersDad said...

Wow! Thanks for letting me know about the infection danger. Now I will be really careful, cause before it was just, you know, a loss of limb issue.

Anonymous said...

Good advice, but that Google Map is acting all wiggy.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I can only thank Jesus himself that TN is croc trouble free!

Dino aka Katy said...

so glad you are out there watching out for us :)

Bubs said...

Katy, happy new year! Are you back from your trip to Europe?

Dr MVM, for now...if you'll notice, the Ho Chi Minh trail of northward alligator expansion seems to run just east of you.

Kirby, wiggy how? Like I said, I need to work some bugs out of it. You're supposed to be able to click on the markers and see the details of each incident.

SkylersDad, exactly--who knew that you could just get chomped on and then lose stuff from infection?

Beth said...

Thank you for the gator tips. Now I know I'll have a safe and happy — and fully armed and legged — 2008.

justacoolcat said...

I love the headline and I'd like to add that the best defense against narco abusing alligators is to live in Mn. (which is supported by your map)

Bubs said...

Coolcat, you've hit upon an excellent state slogan for your state:

Minnesota: Gator Free!

Beth, how did GA manage to avoid alligator incidents? I must have missed something, I'm certain.

Johnny Yen said...

Alligators are most active between dusk and dawn. Leave alligators alone. State law prohibits killing, harassing or possession of alligators.

District Attorney: "And finally, the defendant is charged with felony alligator possession. How does the defendant plead?"

Defendant's Attorney: "The defendant will cop to the firearms and narcotics possession if the State will drop the alligator-possession charges."

District Attorney: "No, we will not. We intend to go to trial. We have famed Narcozoologist Bubs as a consulting witness. You have no chance."

Bubs said...

Johnny...heh. I like that.

Grant Miller said...

Very, very handy.