Thursday, April 24, 2008

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around."

--Bellevue, Ohio Police Captain Matt Johnson, referring to the arrest of Art Price, Jr. for having sex with a picnic table.

Yes, you read that right. I overlooked this fellow and missed putting him in yesterday's Weenie-Waver Wednesday. Maybe we can create, oh, a table-f*cker Thursday for him.

Art Price, Jr. was spotted having sex with his picnic table four times. A neighbor saw Mr. Price walk onto his deck, naked, and stand the table on its side. Price then penetrated the table through the umbrella hole. The neighbor videotaped the event and turned the tape over to the police as evidence. He did this in view of kids at a nearby school.

Surprisingly, Price's family did not want to talk to the press.


heals said...

you're being unfair. this totally depends on what type of picnic table we're talking about.

Bubs said...

You're right. The table could have been hawt, too hawt to resist.

FranIAm said...

Talk about tabling the motion...

(whompa wah - that was awful, but it had to be said, so I figured, let me just say it.)

Wren said...

What he did was weird, for sure, and wrong if it could be seen by schoolkids passing his house ... but I'm guessing he THOUGHT he had some privacy? 10:30 to noon, people are at work, kids are in school... My initial reaction was to laugh, but then I wondered why the neighbor didn't just leave a note in his mailbox that he COULD be seen screwing his pickanick table and maybe he'd better take it in the garage or something... And to arrest him for this, splash his name and photo and the whole sordid story in the papers... that's awful. He'll probably lose his job, if he had one, and his wife and kids will be laughingstocks, and the whole family will likely end up being forced to move, now the story went WORLDWIDE. I think this is really, really, sad. Bubs, maybe you can explain why the police didn't just pay him a visit and warn him that he could be seen having his odd fun, and that he needed to cease and desist? Did this really require an arrest? And a public record of it? What a shame.

Bubs said...

Wren, interesting points. The article says that the charges were dropped, and now their prosecutor is deciding how to charge him based on whether there were kids around when he did his thing.

In my experience someone like this knows he's going to be seen, and wants to be seen. Without having talked to this guy I couldn't tell you what kind of complex psychodramas are playing in his head when he gets busy with a table. It either arouses him to know he's being seen and offending the viewer, or he's aroused by the potential humiliation of being seen.

The problem I see with charging him is that he's on his own property. I've seen a few instances in my career where we've had to deal with exhibitionistic men engaging in inappropriate behavior, but doing so in a way that we could not charge them. One fellow liked to cut his lawn and sunbathe in a revealing thong next door to a house full of adolescent girls. Another liked to stand inside his bay window, naked, and shake it at passing women going by his house.

In some cases we've talked to the offender because we haven't had a criminal charge that fit the circumstance. In any event, this guy is no innocent victim.

Bubs said...

Fran, whoa, you're a good crowd!

Wren said...

Thanks for the explanation, Bubs, and for taking me seriously. I felt a bit Polyanna-ish asking those questions, but they seemed fair, and since you're in the line of work you are, you're the perfect one to ask.

After more time pondering the story, I think my real concern goes to this guy's wife and kids.

jin said...

Ummm.... ok.... ewww.
That's it, just ew.

'Course... jindad always used to tell this at parties:

"When I was younger and in my prime
I used to jack off all the time
Now that I'm older and have more sense
I use the knothole in the fence."

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Note to self: Don't buy any picnic tables from anyone in Bellevue Ohio.

Jess Wundrun said...

can you imagine if there were splinters? Yeeeoowch.

Bubs said...

Jess, I"m thinking he must have had one of those sleek metal or plastic tables. I hope. MizBubs mentioned the splinters first thing as well.

Dr MVM, yeesh. If that guy ever moves away and you go through his house with a UV light it will probably look like a Jackson Pollock.

Jin, thank you for contributing some lovely verse.

Wren, I appreciate the comment. As I read it this morning I said to my bride that it was an example of how decent people (unlike jaded cops) might view things.

Johnny Yen said...

I've said almost the exact same thing about my waitering jobs, but the idiocy I deal with pales in comparison to what law enforcement officers deal with. Mine usually go something like this:

Me: "Would you like steak fries, baked potato or sauteed vegetables with your steak?"

Idiot Customer: I'll have the mashed potatoes.

Me:Um, we don't have mashed potatoes.

Idiot Customer: What?

BeckEye said...

What does it say about me that I've already heard this story?

Coaster Punchman said...

I'm with Jess & MizBubs on this one. And even if it is "sleek plastic" - all I can think is OW! Did the story mention any particular kind of lubrication used? Just in case I get the urge to try this. Inside. With the shades drawn.

Coaster Punchman said...

This also makes me wonder if I should ever blog one of the most embarrassing stories I have the capability to tell about myself. It involves my inadvertently flashing a large number of people. Much alcohol was involved.

Bubs said...

CP, I think confession is good for the soul, so by all means please tell us about it. And no, I couldn't find any mention of lube in any of the stories.

Beckeye, it means you're an astute reader, and ahead of the curve. I salute you!

Johnny, wonderful exchange there. It's refreshing to hear the restaurant version.

Anonymous said...

I thought only old timey sailors used Dutch Wives.

Freida Bee said...

This is why I like living in the country!

I just hope he used some wood conditioner or something lubricating, or I am worried about splinters like Jess said.

His wife might be relieved to know he wasn't cheating on her with another woman, but hurt by his preference to have sex with the unbrella hole rather than her.

Dino aka Katy said...

got to love freaks they make for awesome blog posts. I do wonder if and how they'll charge him

'Bubbles' said...

I'm imagining the guy having lunch at the picnic table out in the sunshine. Suddenly he looks at the umbrella hole, and gets this idea.

He doesn't say to himself, "Gee, an umbrella would be nice out here to protect me from the sun's harmful rays."

No. He says, "Oh, baby this lunch is so romantic."