Law Enforcement Quote of the Week: naked dump truck edition

"It's a tense situation when someone enters your home in a one-ton dump truck."

-South Berwick, Maine Police Chief Dana Lajoie, referring to an incident in which 24-year-old Eli T. Hutchins crashed his Ford pickup truck into a condominium. Naked.

According to this story, Mr. Hutchins " drove over lawns and driveways until he hit the structure" after leaving another unit in the complex.

This brief piece from UPI.com gives us a little more insight, reporting that Mr. Hutchins left a nearby party after getting into a fight before embarking on his naked drive. During the fight, reportedly started by Hutchins, he was struck in the head with a hammer.

Alcohol was involved.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

''You shouldn't have to hide your keys from your wife."

Polk County Florida Sheriff Grady Judd, commenting on the arrest of Gail Buckner, wife of Deputy Charles "Chip" Buckner.



Gail Buckner, pictured along with her mother Sharon Cooper and a man identified as Alexander Quintasket, took "Chip's" squad car while he was asleep and went on a joyride with it. There was "at least" a shotgun in the car when it was taken.

According to the article in The Ledger,

Gail Buckner has a criminal record that dates to before her marriage to Chip Buckner.

Judd said sheriff's policy is for deputies not to cavort with convicted felons. 'But the lawyers say we can't stop them from marrying one,' he said.

The Sheriff's Office was unaware of the connection until Sunday, Judd said.

'We can't do a background check on everyone who dates a deputy.'

Deputy Charles "Chip" Buckner has since resigned. According to this article from Tampa Bay Online, there were a total of three firearms in the squad car, and Quintasket, in addition to being a convicted felon himself, was out on bail awaiting trial for armed robbery at the time of this incident. Buckner and Quintasket were both charged with possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, among other charges. According to this piece from MSNBC, Quintasket "found it exciting" when the lights and siren were activated as he sat in the back seat. The errant squad car hit speeds in excess of 80 mph.

Gail Buckner told arresting officers that "she made a bad judgment call and meant no harm."

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

“He was not under the influence of drink or drugs. We suspect he is addicted to cross- dressing.”

-An unknown Hong Kong police official, commenting on the arrest of an off-duty 20 year veteran officer who was caught in a park, naked but for a pair of fishnet stockings.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"It’s kind of a mixed bag. He takes her to his house, holds her captive, handcuffs her. We don’t know what the diapers are about. And then he’s reading the Bible to her. I don’t know."

-Toledo Police Department Captain Ray Carroll, discussing the arrest of Troy Ian Brisport for felonious assault and kidnapping.

Meet 34 year old Troy Ian Brisport of Toledo, Ohio:



Troy Ian Brisport is this week's Freak of the Week.

Brisport picked up a 22 year old homeless woman in Detroit, and offered her a place to stay. Once he got her back to his apartment he handcuffed her, undressed her, and put her in a diaper. Over the next three days he read Bible passages to her, and occasionally attempted to suffocate her with a pillow and blanket. Both Brisport and the victim, when interviewed by investigators, denied that they had any sexual contact.

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On, Wisconsin!

The runner-up for Freak of the Week is Steven Marcsis, Jr. of Racine, Wisconsin.



For reasons known only to himself and the demons in his head, Steven was found "performing a sex act inside a trash bin" at an elementary school. The police were there to investigate some computer thefts and became suspicious when they saw the dumpster lid close. Steven, who lives with his mother, had a camera and some "lewd pictures" with him. Steven also had a bunch of child porn and a list of names and addresses of 500 girls back at his mom's place.

No one on the list has reported having any contact with Steven. Authorities stated that, since this was Wisconsin, they were relieved that there was no necrophilia or cannibalism involved.

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There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

-William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"

Now there's more things in Tennessee
Than is dreamed of in your philosophy.

-Lux Interior, "Cornfed Dames"

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"To my knowledge, it's uncommon for naked women to show up at the Cougar Store. If they did, we'd get more calls."

-Cowlitz County Sheriff's Captain Mark Nelson, referring to an incident where a naked woman wandered out of the woods and into a store in Cougar, Washington.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"No one should read anything more into it than what it was, which was an individual throwing a shoe."

-Secret Service spokesman Eric Zahren, referring to an incident in which an Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at President George Bush during a press conference in Iraq.

The quote appeared in this article:

Secret Service Defends Shoe Response

I never expected to see the words "Secret Service" and "shoe response" in the same quote.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"If it isn't the most corrupt state in the United States, it's certainly one hell of a competitor. Even the most cynical agents in our office were shocked..."

-FBI Special Agent in Charge Robert Grant, describing Illinois politics in the aftermath of the arrest of Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"I don't believe it does affect my credibility at all because this is bigfoot...It would be one thing if I came out and said that I had something else that is tangible or real, but right now, as far as I'm concerned, there is no real bigfoot."

-Former Clayton County, Georgia, Police Officer Matthew Whitton, explaining why he should get his job back after being fired for perpetrating this summer's bigfoot hoax.

Officer Whitton and his former boss, Chief Jeff Turner, were featured in the Law Enforcement Quote of the Week of August 26, 2008.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"Our county is so tough on drugs that even the wildlife are getting in on the action."

-Garfield County, Utah, Sheriff Danny Perkins, on a black bear who repeatedly raided a clandestine marijuana growing operation, forcing its operators to abandon it.

Bravo, Ursus americanus.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"Everyone who has talked down to us is going to eat their words..."

-Clayton County, Georgia, police officer Matt Whitton, responding to critics skeptical of his claim of discovering a genuine bigfoot carcass.

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"Once he perpetrated a fraud, that goes into his credibility and integrity. He has violated the duty of a police officer."

-Clayton County Police Chief Jeff Turner, explaining why Matt Whitton was being fired from his position as a police officer with Clayton County.

Law enforcement quote of the week

"We want people to like our officers, but not to lick them."

Freeport, Texas Police Chief Jeff Pynes, referring to an incident involving an arrestee named Ryan Halverson. Halverson, pictured above, was being booked for public intoxication when he leaned forward and licked Sgt. Jay Newton on the face. Halverson evidently found Sgt. Newton to be tasty, because he tried to lick him a second time before the sergeant stepped out of the way.

Chief Pynes went on to say that since the incident, Sgt. Newton has been getting "a lot of ribbing from fellow officers."

"He's been getting a lot of lollypops in his internal mail..."

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"He was a self-employed, part-time clown."

-Nassau County, New York police detective John McGee, referring to the arrest of the above-pictured birthday clown Alexander Zacarias for multiple counts of child pornography.

"Self-employed, part-time clown"...

Are there any scarier words in the English language?

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

“Not a lot of drug dealers of the thug variety are going to keep a poodle.”

-Suburban Dayton, Ohio police officer Tim Harrison, commenting on the discovery of two alligators during a drug raid.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"Once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around."

--Bellevue, Ohio Police Captain Matt Johnson, referring to the arrest of Art Price, Jr. for having sex with a picnic table.

Yes, you read that right. I overlooked this fellow and missed putting him in yesterday's Weenie-Waver Wednesday. Maybe we can create, oh, a table-f*cker Thursday for him.



Art Price, Jr. was spotted having sex with his picnic table four times. A neighbor saw Mr. Price walk onto his deck, naked, and stand the table on its side. Price then penetrated the table through the umbrella hole. The neighbor videotaped the event and turned the tape over to the police as evidence. He did this in view of kids at a nearby school.

Surprisingly, Price's family did not want to talk to the press.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"You've gotta be instrumental in thinking out of the box."

-A technical surveillance expert during a presentation I attended, in which he showed an audience of police officers the latest developments in CCTV cameras, night vision and tracking devices.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"Skates the Clown will not be skating around any federal laws. His show is now concluded."

-FBI spokesman Seann Quinn

It should come as no surprise to any thinking person that another clown has broken bad on us. In this case, Walter Homan of Beachwood, New Jersey, was arrested by the FBI and charged in US court. Homan had been arrested on state charges in 2006:

'Skates the Clown' Faces Child Porn Charges

Thank you, Google News Alerts.

Always remember friends--with clowns, as with alligators, the best policy is constant vigilance!

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week: Yuletide Edition

"It's a good thing he didn't wait around, because I think Santa would have laid him out."

--Sgt. Travis Welsh, Missoula Police Department, referring to Clint Westwood, after Westwood was arrested for throwing a pie at a mall Santa.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"I was stupid and trying to impress three pretty girls who were paying attention to me."

--Muncie, Indiana police officer Jason Lyons, explaining to a supervisor how he crashed a squad car while taking three Ball State co-eds on a joy ride at one o'clock in the morning.

You can read more about the soon-to-be-former officer's antics here.

Law enforcement quote of the week: Halloween Edition

"Kill the brain and you kill the ghoul."

"Beat 'em or burn 'em. They go up pretty easy."

"Yeah, they're dead, they're all messed up."

-Sheriff McClelland, unknown county in rural Pennsylvania, commenting on an outbreak of zombie attacks.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

There's no f*cking falling over the edge with Sheriff Hoyt. He's a sexually perverted homicidal maniac.

-R. Lee Ermey, describing his role in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

You can read the entire interview here at RadarOnline.