Thursday, November 06, 2008

Freak of the Week: Post Election Edition!

Sure, some of you people are still walking around all happy and starry-eyed, celebrating Tuesday's victory.

Not me.

An Obama presidency may change a lot of things, but until I see concrete proposals on how his administration plans on addressing the serious concerns I have, I will not let my guard down. No sir. Until I see that "yes, we can" means "yes, we can finally deal with our alligator problem" or "yes, we can carry out preventive detention on a large segment of the clowning community" my personal watchword will remain, as always:

Constant Vigilance!

Yesterday was, as I read somewhere, a day of "happy stupor" for many of us, so there was no Weenie Waver Wednesday. I will endeavor to make up for that by presenting you with my post election Freak of the Week.

I know everyone had such a good time voting Tuesday that I wanted to give you all an opportunity to vote again. It is the Chicago way.

I was not able to find a picture of Mr. Metin Erzurum, and I apologize for that. Mr. Erzurum was arrested after department store employees found him in the morning snuggled up in a display window, having apparently engaged in a menage-a-trois with some mannequins. It is unknown whether or not Erzurum is a repeat offender; for right now the official Mannequin Fetishist of Sprawling Ramshackle Compound remains Ronald Dotson, who was featured here in January 2007.

Meet Daniel Cunningham of Kalihi, Hawaii.

Daniel Cunningham was identified as the landlord of a building that collapsed. It turns out that Cunningham had constructed a, eh, ramshackle structure that he rented rooms in. The structure consisted largely of metal scaffolding and tarps arranged in a warren of rooms and passageways. Several of his tenants are now planning to sue him.

Why am I telling you about this, you ask. Since when does a slumlord qualify to compete for the coveted Freak of the Week? When that slumlord is a former chiropractor who lost his license for giving mysterious "injections", and is known as "the guy who wears socks on his hands" and is a perpetual candidate for local office who founded the "Free Energy Party" based on "the technical reality of having free electricity
", well, then, I'd say he qualifies. Oh, it looks like he also used some of the tenants "as lab rats" going so far as to blind one of them by injecting an unknown substance into the skin near his eyes.

When questioned by a local reporter about these "treatments" Cunningham took a page from the GOP playbook and blamed the media. Cunningham said that the law was written by "aliens" and
"I think you work for them. The media works for them and they own the money and they are eating people down below..."
The British tabloid press continues to be a good source of stories. Members of the clergy have been featured before, and this week's clergy member is an unknown vicar who showed up at the emergency room of Northern General Hospital in Sheffield.

The vicar sought medical assistance because he had a potato lodged in his bunghole.

This story quotes nurse Trudi Watson:
“He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.

But it’s not for me to question his story.

“He had to undergo surgery to have it removed.”

Say no to drugs:

33 year old Michael Lasiter of Modesto, California, caused a commotion at a local Denny's restaurant. Lasiter ran into the Denny's and promptly began trying to amputate his own arm, first with a customer's butter knife, and then with a more substantial butcher knife from the kitchen.

Mr. Lasiter believed that, while shooting himself up with cocaine, he had injected himself with a potentially fatal air bubble. The only solution was to immediately amputate his own arm. Mr. Lasiter got a tasering from the police before he was taken to a hospital.

On, Wisconsin:

Torey Devaux, of Manitowoc, Wisconsin, got arrested for several counts of domestic violence and disorderly conduct. Mr. Devaux got in an argument with his female roommate, who refused to have sex with him. Mr. Devaux then sauntered down to the basement and pissed all over her dog and the basement floor. When the roommate's sister attempted to intervene, Devaux allegedly battered her and punched out a window. Police caught up with him a short distance away from the scene.

The condition of the dog is not known. Alcohol was involved.

Thanks to Lulu and Dena who both sent me links to this story. I can't tell you how proud it makes me to know that when one of you sees a story about an out of control drunk cheesehead pissing on a dog, I'm the first person you think of.

Honorable mention to Alaska governor Sarah Palin. According to this piece in Newsweek, when McCain staffers Steve Schmidt and Mark Salter went to her room to brief her during the GOP convention, she strolled into the room fresh out of the shower, clad only in a towel. Classy!

So, let's vote!


SkylersDad said...

I just had to go with the good Vicar. Of course, I only vacuum naked, like any "normal" human being.

Megan said...

Have to go with Socks. People who talk that way about aliens are my kind of people.

Jess Wundrun said...

If one is going to hang curtains while being naked are curtains even necessary?

BeckEye said...

Ah, the old potato in the bungholio. It's happened to the best of us.

Ha word ver is "rentin." As in, "I won't be rentin from the guy who injects his tenants and wears socks on his hands."

Cormac Brown said...

Cunningham got my vote, but that bastard should have to clean out kennels for the rest of his natural life.

Randal Graves said...

I hate to rain on your parade, but I hope you've heard about the traveling caravan of clowning alligators. Constant vigilance!

Anonymous said...

I wonder when we'll see Todd Palin in one of these posts. He's got that shifty look to him.....

dguzman said...

Come on, Bubbles!

Grant Miller said...

You know, those chef knives are sharp as fuck. I know this for a fact.

Butter knives, not so much.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I had to vote for the potato bunghole vicar as well. I wonder if their emergency department has an "ass box" for all the removed objects.

Johnny Yen said...

Before I vote, I just have to know-- did Mr. Erzurum have consent from the mannequins?

Cormac Brown said...

"but that bastard should have to clean out kennels for the rest of his natural life."

Devaux, I meant.