Monday, December 15, 2008

Holiday season snapshots

The other day I was at the Costco to pick up pecans and chocolate chips for baking, and just generally take in the holiday atmosphere. There was a big display of frosty fake white trees that played Christmas music. The trees have been up since early October. When I first saw them it bothered the heck out of me, seeing as how it wasn’t even Halloween yet. But now, in early December, the music and the tacky glitter of it just put me into even more of a festive holiday mood.

I turned into the snack aisle, which was one over from the aisle with the decorations. As I made the turn I noticed a nice-looking older lady in her late 60’s, sharply dressed, with a cart full of wrapping paper and bows. Just as I began to walk past her she must have ripped a really, really horrendous fart, because the whole aisle filled with a practically visible fog of methane that seemed to radiate out from her. Seriously, it was almost pig-gagging, and totally out of synch with the image of the well-coiffed woman across from me.

She abruptly picked up her pace and pushed her cart away from the area, casting a quick sidelong glance back in my direction. I think she was hoping someone else would walk into the aisle and blame the fart smell on me. I thought about calling out to her preemptively, something like “hey, lady, did you just fart?” What if she became indignant at my question and yelled at me for being rude? I realized that if anyone nearby heard me and the woman, they might automatically assume I was the bad guy and not the aggrieved party. Which rule would apply? What would someone just arriving at the intersection of snack foods and Christmas decorations think—that the guy who smelt it, dealt it, or that the one who denied it, supplied it?

I put my head down and hurried away in the opposite direction, my Christmas spirit somewhat subdued, but not lost.


18 comments:

dguzman said...

I hate it when that happens.

Cormac Brown said...

Jeez, talk about violating your civil rights.

Mnmom said...

HA HA HA!
My husband does that all the time, then just grins when I notice.

SkylersDad said...

They always blame the guy Bubs, always...

Spartacus said...

Good thing you didn't light a match while you were there. And I agree with Skyler...guys always catch the rap for gastrointestinal meltdowns... and for good reason.

Bacon Lady said...

I always blame my kids.

justacoolcat said...

That's why I always wait to walk by some kid and fart.

They always get blamed.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That's why the best defence is to always be impeccably dressed. Which is probably why I always get blamed for the farts.

I had a similar thing happen in the card store last week, only the perp was an 85 year old lady, who sidled her way down the aisle after dropping her bomb right next to me.

theultramundane said...

Pecans!

Gifted Typist said...

The Fart that Stole Christmas.

Five Old Ladies Farting...

Oh Fartmas Tree or Fartmas Tree, I love your swaying pong (that word for you Bubs)

Comfart and joy, Comfart and joy

Silver Farts, Silver Farts, soon it will be Fartmas day...


just a few fart thoughts. Honk!

GETkristiLOVE said...

I'd blame Costco. That place needs more ventilation.

lauralu said...

I just wish people didn't get gas - including me.

Laura.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I was in a store when an old dude in sweat pants and a filty t-shirt ripped one. I laughed like crazy then I remembered I do it all the time when I am by myself.

Johnny Yen said...

One of my tricks when I was a teacher was, if I had gas, I'd pass gas, then move somewhere else in the room. One of the kids would get blamed. Bonus if it was a kid who annoyed you.

kirby said...

You caught her in mid-beef and didn't rat her out. I think that means you now own her soul.

Distributorcap said...

maybe she ate some of that free food at the costco - and there were hidden beans in them

either that - or that is how she clears out the aisles and gets what she wants

Wren said...

I think you handled that with perfect, gentlemanly aplomb, Bubs.

My husband farts frequently, and always with as much noise and satisfaction as possible. He comments on the "tonal quality" of each toot, but only after saying, "uh-oh!"

I'm afraid men ARE appropraitely blamed for those invisible stinkbombs...

Dale said...

This is the first great laugh I've had today Bubs, I thank you kind sir!!