Holiday Season Snapshots: Last Minute Shopping

I saw a nice family the other night as I got done shopping. They were sitting in the food court: mom, dad and three daughters who looked to be between 7 and 12 years old. What first caught my attention was that the three kids were wearing matching Santa hats. The next thing I noticed was that they all looked happy--ma and pa, and all three kids, genuinely seemed to be enjoying each other's company, and enjoying their respite over churros and and soft drinks during an evening of shopping. There was not a hint of frustration, of anxiety, of tension. None of that. And the Santa hats weren't some ironic statement. This was no hipster family. It was just good clean all-American fun.

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The eldest and I swung through Borders earlier tonight. While we were trying to find a copy of Zombie Haiku, I noticed a plump middle-aged matron sitting in one of the comfy chairs. She was slightly shiny, about to break a sweat from wearing her winter parka in the store, and she looked kind of cross. She was talking pretty loudly on a cell phone, so I took that as an invitation to eavesdrop on her conversation:

"They said they were bringing a ham! I asked them to bring a turkey for Christmas dinner, but they're bringing a ham. I told them I said turkey for a reason, that's what was on the menu. No, they asked me why couldn't ham be on the menu! Can you believe that?"

She was, as my eldest observed, right on the edge of a major league spaz attack. I assumed she was talking about a family member or close friend, since she had apparently not only invited them to Christmas dinner but also asked them to bring the main meat course.

So, here's my question:

Who's the bigger dick in this situation? The person who can't follow a simple request to bring a turkey to dinner, and has to go improvising with pork product? Or the person who can't just be gracious and accept whatever meat product their loved one shows up with?

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I will be tallying the results of the Germany or Florida: Amputee Criminal Holiday Edition! contest in the near future. I'm too busy coughing up half a lung to do it now. It will be a post-Christmas surprise, and if the winner is local, they might receive their prize at the Drysedale Awards on December 29.

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Now, as part of my ongoing commitment to lazy blogging, I am re-posting this piece from December 24, 2006.

The Sprawling Ramshackle Compound Helpful
Guide to Last-Minute Shopping

Many people visit this website for useful, up-to-date information on important topics such as freaks, animal attacks and tasty drink recipes. Tonight I'm adding a new service: a comprehensive guide to last minute shopping. And by last minute, I mean, last minute. Shortly before midnight on Christmas Eve. Heck, even laster-minute than that. Thanks to the corporate slavedrivers at Walgreens, you can do your last minute shopping on Christmas day even, on your way to whatever family function it is you're going to. This sign says it all:

Yes, I know it's a little blurry. But that's just how it looks to your average Christmas Eve drunkard, roaming desperately through the northwest suburbs, chainsmoking and swearing to baby Jesus that next year he won't procrastinate like this.

I used to tell people I did all my Christmas shopping on December 23 and 24, at Walgreens. I don't know anyone whose heart isn't warmed by opening a hastily-wrapped gift to discover the newest Chia novelty or a tasty Whitman Sampler. But now Walgreens has so much more to offer. Here are a few ideas:

1) Check out the picture frame and photo album display. Grab a reasonably-priced frame and then wander over to the magazine section. Pick out a magazine with lots of nice pictures inside. Cut out the prettiest page and fit it into the frame. Everyone loves a beautiful piece of artwork!

2) Head for the toy aisle. The Walgreens closest to me added a second half of an aisle dedicated to inexpensive Chinese imports. They've got everything from toy soldiers to Floam to discontinued models of Barbie.

3) Buy an appliance!

You can get a staggering array of kitchen gadgets. Trust me, that special girl in your life will LOVE getting a brand new omlette maker! And she'll likely be even more impressed when she finds out you only paid $9.99 for it; chicks dig guys who are both thoughtful and thrifty.

Here are two useful tips for fitting in when you make your late night or early morning shopping run:

1) Smoke a lot of cigarettes right before you go inside. It seems like most of the people shopping at Walgreens after 10 pm on Christmas eve smell heavily of cigarette smoke. And maybe booze, but that might be aftershave. I didn't get close enough to be sure.

2) Talk on a cell phone. Hitting the Walgreens can be a team effort. For every brave Joe prowling the aisles, there's a resilient, maybe even long-suffering, Jane at home whispering guidance into his ear.

Just don't try and buy any Club Man hair tonic for your brother. They're sold out.

Merry Christmas!

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And finally, I'd like to leave you with some pleasant, family-friendly holiday images:

You can't tell from this picture, but she's drinking this weekend's Sunday Afternoon Cocktail. The recipe is perfect for the wintry mix we've been experiencing lately. I call it Compound Coffee:



-1 cup of strong coffee or expresso
-1/2 teaspoon sugar
-1 shot bourbon
-1 shot Irish cream liqueur (like Bailey's)
-1/2 shot of Grand Marnier or Triple Sec
-Whipped cream

Place sugar in the bottom of a coffee mug. Fill 2/3 up with hot strong coffee, stir. Add bourbon, Irish cream liqueur and Gran Marnier, stir.

Top with whipped cream. Drink and enjoy. Feel the warmth. Fall asleep on the couch.

Holiday season snapshots

The other day I was at the Costco to pick up pecans and chocolate chips for baking, and just generally take in the holiday atmosphere. There was a big display of frosty fake white trees that played Christmas music. The trees have been up since early October. When I first saw them it bothered the heck out of me, seeing as how it wasn’t even Halloween yet. But now, in early December, the music and the tacky glitter of it just put me into even more of a festive holiday mood.

I turned into the snack aisle, which was one over from the aisle with the decorations. As I made the turn I noticed a nice-looking older lady in her late 60’s, sharply dressed, with a cart full of wrapping paper and bows. Just as I began to walk past her she must have ripped a really, really horrendous fart, because the whole aisle filled with a practically visible fog of methane that seemed to radiate out from her. Seriously, it was almost pig-gagging, and totally out of synch with the image of the well-coiffed woman across from me.

She abruptly picked up her pace and pushed her cart away from the area, casting a quick sidelong glance back in my direction. I think she was hoping someone else would walk into the aisle and blame the fart smell on me. I thought about calling out to her preemptively, something like “hey, lady, did you just fart?” What if she became indignant at my question and yelled at me for being rude? I realized that if anyone nearby heard me and the woman, they might automatically assume I was the bad guy and not the aggrieved party. Which rule would apply? What would someone just arriving at the intersection of snack foods and Christmas decorations think—that the guy who smelt it, dealt it, or that the one who denied it, supplied it?

I put my head down and hurried away in the opposite direction, my Christmas spirit somewhat subdued, but not lost.

Blood gums up the zamboni

Eldest daughter, to friend on phone discussing the upcoming Zombies on Ice event in Millenium Park this weekend:

"No free-flowing blood. I don't know, it has to do with maintaining the ice, they don't want to get blood on it. I'm not sure."

Me, yelling from the next room after overhearing her end of the conversation:

"Blood gums up the zamboni."

Daughter:

"My dad says blood gums up the zamboni."

Holiday season snapshots

Today was the employee holiday party for the town I work for. It’s a pretty big event held at a local banquet hall. There are usually about two hundred employees and retirees from all the different departments. The police and firefighters always have tables closest to the door in case those of us who attend on duty have to leave in a hurry. We had a split-the-pot raffle, with proceeds going to our local food pantry. It’s generally a good time.

Right before lunch was served the emcee asked for everyone to please sit down so the servers could begin serving lunch. Once everyone was seated, he asked us all to bow our heads and observe a moment of silence for employees and retirees who “are no longer with us.” I thought that was a nice gesture.

As soon as everyone in the room went silent it became hilariously obvious that there was some pretty loud Christmas music being piped in to the hall. It was hard to think about former co-workers who’ve gone before with the music reminding us that Santa Claus was coming, right down Santa Claus Lane.