Boo

From my new favorite website: Crappy Taxidermy

Enjoy, kids.

MY DUMPLINGS!!!

We eat a lot of Asian dumplings and noodles in this household. We're close to a massive Korean supermarket (H-Mart) and a large but less-massive Japanese supermarket (Mitsuwa). Even though we have superior dumpling access, there have still been times that someone ate the last dumpling. We've never experienced a scene like this:

Dye Pack 1, Bank Robber 0

That's not blood, that's dye.

The man in the picture, Daniel Duran, allegedly robbed a bank in Houston, Texas. He was arrested "a short time later, after the dye packs exploded while still allegedly down his pants. Duran was taken to an area hospital with second degree burns to his genital area."

Real life dialog from a German restaurant

Setting: The Schnitzel Platz restaurant in suburban Glendale Heights.

The occasion: My brother's 42nd birthday.

Myself, MizBubs, my brother's family and our 78 year old mother were seated in the large corner booth of a German restaurant on a relatively quiet Monday night. The adults were consuming liter-sized steins of Spaten and Hofbrau beer.

The restaurant serves at least 14 kinds of schnitzel, and we were discussing what kind of schnitzel we might order. My brother obviously found the phrase "wiener schnitzel" amusing and managed to repeat it several times during the conversation.

Suddenly, my adorable 5 year old niece piped up, her chirpy little voice clearly audible above the restaurant's din:

"Maybe there could be a PENIS SCHNITZEL!"

We all went silent. As did every table within earshot.

Happy Lee Elia Day!

I'm not a big sports guy, but every once in a while something happens in the world of professional sports that has larger cultural significance. Like Lee Elia's inspired monologue of April 29, 1983. Many Chicago media outlets are commemorating the event, and some columnists have even suggested naming today "Forgive Lee Elia Day". Forgive him? I'd like to thank him.

Elia was in his second season as manager of the Chicago Cubs, and they were off to a 4-15 start. Lee decided to tell a group of sportswriters how he really felt, and the rest was history. This audio proves yet again that middle-aged white male rage is simultaneously terrifying and hysterically funny.

Here's a link to the uncensored audio clip. Crack open an Old Style, sit back and enjoy. If you're playing this at work, or around your kids, make sure you turn the volume up nice and loud.

No, seriously, don't do that. This is very NSFW.

Have a nice day!

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"I was stupid and trying to impress three pretty girls who were paying attention to me."

--Muncie, Indiana police officer Jason Lyons, explaining to a supervisor how he crashed a squad car while taking three Ball State co-eds on a joy ride at one o'clock in the morning.

You can read more about the soon-to-be-former officer's antics here.

What I learned today...

Here's what I learned today:

If you have a body slumped over in the front seat of a car, and rigor mortis has set in, it can be pretty difficult to remove that body from the car. Specifically, it can be difficult to remove the body without banging the head against the steering wheel, causing the horn to sound repeatedly. And watching a corpse head repeatedly sounding a car horn, while the air fills with the smell of dead body poop, is, at once, tragic, embarrassing and pretty hilarious.