Thursday, February 07, 2008

The guest who wouldn't leave

Well...

Things are finally returning to normal around here, and it's a good thing, too. What with the Mardi Gras, and Super Fat Tuesday, and the drinking and the dancing and the overeating followed by the snowstorm, things have been a little topsy turvy in the Bubs household.

I don't know when Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein "interviewed" all those models he featured yesterday, and I have no idea whatsoever what he gave them to drink, eat or otherwise ingest.

I'll tell you this much, though. When this doll



showed up at our doorstep in the early morning hours Wednesday, she already had a full head of steam going. She'd been drinking, of course, but there was something else. She was obviously worked up after ranting to Doctor MVM about the Bush administration, and she was out to take her edge off. No matter what we put on the hi-fi, it wasn't fast enough, or loud enough, or swinging enough for her taste.

Most of our friends left. The PTA Moms for Obama left. Not our model. She stayed, drinking and dancing and yelling VOTE YOU MOTHERF*CKERS, VOTE! MONKEY LOVE!

Some time before sunrise the neighbor came over, bleary-eyed, and asked us to turn the music down. Our girl here lurched over to the back door, grabbed the neighbor and planted a big wet kiss on him, which embarrassed the hell out of all of us. The neighbor reeled away, down off the porch. My children locked themselves in their rooms. The dogs wouldn't stop barking. I could see MizBubs calmly removing her glasses and taking off her loose jewelry, which she always does when she senses a brawl about to erupt.

The next few moments were confusing, a blur of popping balloons, shrieking and stereo speakers blowing out. Next thing I know, our model pops out from behind the tiki bar, stark naked, and asks where we keep our game of Twister:


And then she passed out on our zebra skin rug.

MizBubs and I breathed a sigh of relief, turned off the hi-fi, threw a blanket over our model, and went to sleep.

This morning she was gone. I spent the better part of the morning throwing out deflated balloons, confetti and empty Abita bottles. I swept out 8 pounds of lemon rinds from behind the tiki bar, and then I made a sad discovery. Whenever balloon girl crept out, she apparently took my last bottle of absinthe, a can of pepper spray, three of my Las Vegas ashtrays and my favorite Herb Alpert LP record. You know the one.

So Doctor Monkey...please. Next time you get some impressionable starlet all likkered up and politically agitated, don't point her in my direction. OK? Thanks.

25 comments:

Erik Donald France said...

Well, if she needs another venue for ranting and dancing around, she can come to my place in Detroit ;)

SkylersDad said...

Thank you very much for being the only other person I know who can use the term Hi-Fi...

Dino aka Katy said...

yeah I can see why you wouldn't want naked drunk models dancing in your house ;)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

It's true what they say that a little political awareness (mixed with likker) is a dangerous thing.

Mnmom said...

You sure know a lot of women with red stars where their nipples should be.

GETkristiLOVE said...

She sounds like a blast - I'll make sure Dr. Monkey invites her to our inauguration ball.

dguzman said...

Oy, I hate it when that happens. I guess she didn't blow up any balloons with her ass, though, or you'd probably have mentioned it. Talented, that one.

Nice bloggy, Bubs! Glad I finally found the place! Save me a vinyl school-cafeteria chair on the porch, will ya? I'll bring the Maker's Mark.

kim said...

I don't celebrate Mardi Gras...for these exact reasons.

Someone has to keep the sanity.

Glad you had fun though.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Dude, she said she wanted to meet another shiftless hillbilly so I sent her your way. If any of those other ho's stop by send 'em packing.

Bubs said...

Dr MVM, okay. Next time give me a heads up so I can turn off the lights, pull the shades and hunker down. Or at least lock up the liquor cabinet.

Aw, Kim. You should give it a shot.

dguzman, welcome! Thanks for stopping by! No, she didn't do the balloon trick, but then again I might've been out of the room. Hey, have you ever visited the Makers Mark distillery? I've been there a couple of times, it's fun.

GKL, see that you do! Just assign her a handler for the event.

mnmom, you're right. I just noticed that.

Barbara, indeed.

Dino, well, the drunk, naked and model part was ok to begin with, but she just went over the damn line.

Skylersdad, you're welcome, fellow hi-fi enthusiast.

Erik, I think she might have headed north now that you mention it...

jewgirl said...

you lead such a colorful and festive life. I think I want to join the bubbsie clan. have you considered adopting a jew? oh, there's a fabulous yarn in there. I can feel it in ma'bones.

Hot Lemon said...

I think she's been seen 'round the Tiki Bar sometime... Better ask Doc.

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