McCloud!

It started with this, and was followed by this, and now Dr. Monkey has continued with this.

Since you asked...

I first saw this questionnaire over at Katie Schwartz' place, and so far I've read excellent responses from Dr. Monkey and D-cup. I don't do a lot of politics on this blog, but I've grown increasingly upset at the direction our country is headed, and when I saw this I felt compelled to add my own response.

1) What is your name (nickname, whatever you're comfortable sharing), your age (range), gender, occupation, income bracket (range), how you identify (gay/straight/whatever)? Married/Single/Divorced? Kids (how many)?

Just call me Bubs. I'm a 46 year old cop living and working in the northwest suburbs of Chicago. I'm the proud father of two smart and beautiful teenage daughters and I've been married to my high school sweetheart for more than 22 years. I've been a police officer for nearly 20 years, and between my job and my bride's job at the library, we make more money than I ever imagined we'd make when we first got married. We feel blessed. We'll never be rich, but we don't want for anything. I won't have to worry about income when I retire, and we're paying for both our kids to go to college (as long as they start with community college and then go to a state university.)

I served in the Illinois Army National Guard (as did my bride) as a medic in the early to mid 80's, and we both finished our duty before the first Gulf War. I'm a gun owner and a member of the NRA. I am that middle aged white guy in the suburbs who is supposed to be a perfect Republican voter, although I don't go to church as much as I should.

2) What are the most important issues to you in this presidential election and why?

The most important issue for me is the economy; specifically restoring some sense of fair play for working people and the working poor. When I talk about the economy I'm including the issues of affordable health care and energy policy as well. I think it's obscene that the greatest nation in the world allows so many of its citizens to go bankrupt trying to pay for medical care. I'm alarmed at the growing disparity between the wealthiest and the rest of us.

I'm outraged by the fact that so many things my parents worked for and expected as part of being a middle class American--things like medical insurance, secure pensions, the ability to send your children to college without incurring crippling debt--are disappearing. Our energy policies have been focused on maximizing short-term profits for corporations instead of being geared to insuring the long-term strength and sustainability of our way of life.

And then, of course, there's Iraq. Putting aside the question of why we invaded in the first place, there can be no doubt that the invasion and occupation have sucked billions of dollars down a sinkhole; billions and billions of dollars that could have been far better spent here in the United States.

3) Why do you think voters should vote for Obama/Biden, what differentiates this ticket from McCain/Palin?

Simply put, I don't understand how anyone can look around at the current state of affairs--hemorrhaging money in Iraq, $4.00 a gallon gas, record bankruptcies, rising unemployment, record deficits, Wall Street and banking failures--and think that putting anyone from the party of George W. Bush in the White House could be anything but another disaster. McCain represents the party that has occupied the White House for the past 8 years, and has controlled Congress for 12 of the past 14 years.

It's like I told a coworker the other day: if you're more outraged by flag lapel pins and YouTube clips of angry black preachers than you are by the fact it costs you $3,000 a year to drive to work now, and you can't retire because you can't pay for health insurance, then I guess McCain is your man. Go home, pour yourself a stiff drink and listen to God Bless the USA a few more times until you numb the pain.

I don't think Obama and Biden will magically solve all these problems, but I'm confident that they won't make them worse. Obama and Biden are not ideologues, and they are not radical leftists. They didn't get where they are by being anti-business. I do believe that they share a concern for the little guy, a true concern for his well-being (as opposed to phony brush-cutting-at-the-ranch theatrics) and would work to do what they could to improve things. Obama and Biden have a far better plan than McCain to provide affordable health insurance to the most Americans.

I used to like McCain, and would have voted for him over Gore had he been the GOP nominee in 2000. It's been depressing to watch the diminishing of McCain as a public figure, as he works so hard to pander to the same "conservatives" and fundamentalists in his party who smeared him in 2000. And Palin? She's a ruthless autocrat and scares the hell out of me as a candidate. Who would you want one heartbeat away--her or Joe Biden? Can you imagine the howling of right wing talk hosts had the Democrats nominated a candidate like Palin? Good lord.

4) If McCain/Palin wins this election, where do you see our country going in the next four years?

I see every negative trend I talked about earlier continuing, and probably getting worse. I see more of the elevation of empty patriotic symbolism and posturing over the true love of neighbor and country. I think we'll see an increasing downward trend in the living standards and wages of average Americans.

5) Economically, where do you think this country is today and how do you think Obama/Biden can make a positive impact?

One of the things that appeals to me about Obama is his commitment to invigorate the economy and create jobs by investing in our infrastructure. He also says he'll invest in green and alternative energy sources. We have to start somewhere. Here's a link to Obama's position page on the economy. Go look around.

6) In the past 8-years, how do you think this country has changed under the Bush regime? Have you been affected by these changes? If so, in what ways?

I've seen an increasing polarization, and willingness to demonize one's opponents. All that red state/blue state bullshit. We saw more of it at the GOP convention with the implication in several speeches that they represent "real" Americans, as opposed to Democrats, who presumably represent all us degenerate urban perverts, elitists, dope fiends and sandal wearing secular humanists. Conservative Republicans have given us the phenomenon of the sore winner.

How have I been affected? Well, it's turned me into a self-identified Democratic voter for the first time in my life. I don't think I'd vote for a Republican for dog catcher at this point.

7) I have read that Palin is considered the new voice of feminism, which is offensive in my opinion. Of equal concern are her views on abortion and the removal of books from libraries. I'd like to know what you think about all of that and how you feel about McCain choosing Palin as a running mate. And what kind of message you think that sends to women?

Republicans have successfully harnessed working class fear to get working class people to vote against their own economic interest (read What's the Matter with Kansas by Thomas Frank). Now it looks like they're trying to do the same thing--trotting out a candidate who, at first glance, working women and moms can relate to, but who actually opposes policies that most of those women would be in favor of. I don't think it sends any message to women, really, since women aren't some monolithic block.

I think that McCain's choice of Palin as a running mate shows that his desire to win is strong enough to overcome his previous problems with evangelicals and Bush conservatives. It's no secret he would've preferred Tom Ridge or Joe Lieberman, but ultimately he caved in to the right. And it's paid off for him, so far at least. By picking Palin he's put the GOP's favorite wedge issues like abortion and religion right back in the mix. If we try and win this election on issues like book banning and abortion, the Republicans will beat us like a rented mule.

I have been remiss

Yes I have.

I've been blogging nearly 2 years now, and I really enjoy it. Along the way I've met some really swell people, and there are eveen more that I haven't met, but feel like I know well enough to consider friends.

There are a lot of you out there with a lot of talent. I mean, really. There are some creative people out there and they've got commercial ventures that deserve recognition. I've been meaning to promote these for a while, but just haven't gotten around to it. Until now. I'd love to see any of the people I'm about to mention get rich from their art and their hard work.

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First there is Jin, proprietor of Uniquely Yours Pastry Shoppe. Let me tell you something--she is one hawt cheesehead, and she is an absolutely magnificent pastry chef! My introduction to her art was the Black Pearl:

Dark Belgian chocolate ganache is infused with a perfect balance of organic black pepper, ginger & wasabi. Dipped in more dark Belgian chocolate, then rolled in toasted black & white sesame seeds for crunch.

Please, do your tastebuds a favor and order something from her.

Amy Guth is talented and funny and unbelievably gracious. I'm a sucker for anyone who treats my daughters so well and is so genuinely kind to them. She's the author of Three Fallen Women from So New Media. She hosts the ongoing Fixx Reading Series, and most recently she's organizing and promoting the upcoming Pilcrow Lit Fest.

Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein has an amazing collection of postcards (if you're lucky you might even get one in the mail), and a taste for vintage communist propaganda. He's one talented monkey, and he may be the Compound's favored candidate for president in 08. Here's the thing, though--he's also a writer! I read his first novel, Trouble DeVille, and I've been bogarting it ever since, which has kept Splotchy from reading it. Dr. MVM's debut novel is a complicated southern mess, replete with bible thumpers, lesbians, white supremacist webmasters and plucky independent bookstore employees. I told him that I was impressed with how many plot lines he was able to weave together, coherently, since my attention span barely allows me to finish typing this sentence. There's gunplay, and a cute gal with a gun on the cover, which I love. Click here to see how you can order this book.

Splotchy is, I think, one of the smartest, cleverest and funniest bloggers around. Plus I happen to know he's a truly decent fellow, and does good works when he's not entertaining us all. He's making a movie, too, but I can't plug that because he hasn't shot it yet. But here's what I can plug: his fabulous line of iSplotchy gear, available for purchase right here.

What can I say about Katie Schwartz? Schwartzy, as I think I'll start calling her, since she calls me "Bubbsie". She makes me blush because she repeatedly uses the "c" word and all. The reason I mention her is that she's got a book coming out soon, and if it's half as good as her normal musings on this and that it's going to be awesome. Look for her upcoming book Emotionally Pantsed from So New Media in the next few months.

Becca from No Smoking in the Skull Cave lives here in northern Illinois, and yet we have not met her. She has excellent taste in pinups and exploitation movie posters. Her blog is occasionally not safe for work--as a matter of fact, I can't read it at work because it's filtered--but that's another reason to love it. Becca is an artist and has a business called Wink Studios. Recently we did some remodeling, and I bought MizBubs this original drawing for her tiki bar:



Becca was a pleasure to do business with. If you get a chance to buy one of her drawings, do it.

Write Procrastinator is, as you may have guessed, a writer. I like his style. He has given me one of my favorite phrases:

"Procrastination? It's CRACK for writers."

In addition to his regular blog he's got some clever side projects too.

He's got some good swag over here.

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That's it for now. I'm off to beautiful Springfield, Illinois, my least favorite city in the midwest, for the 2008 Illinois Police Memorial. Our honor guard will be participating in the memorial ceremonies. This year the memorial falls on May 1, which is usually celebrated here at the Compound with labor songs, red banners and maybe a trip to the Haymarket Martyrs Memorial.

I'll be back in a couple of days.

Take care.

Spring Reading Challenge

I love reading. I don't read for pleasure nearly enough any more--much of the time that I used to spend reading books has been replaced by reading job-related articles, and when I think about how I used to read about a book a week I get a little sad.

Starting today, though, things are going to change.

Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein invited me to join the Spring Reading Challenge. What you do is you list all the books you're reading this spring, and reviews of the ones you've read. And you get to see the reading lists of other book lovers, including six of the bloggers you see linked along the right side of this page (I won't tell you which ones--you'll have to visit Spring Reading Challenge and find out for yourself.)

I've just recently finished Careless Love: The Unmaking of Elvis Presley, as well as 1 Dead in Attic. Going from a detailed (and not unsympathetic) account of Elvis' decade-long decline, to Chris Rose's vivid accounts of Katrina, has given me enough heartbreak for a while. Right now I'm on New Orleans, Mon Amour, a collection of New Orleans-themed writing by Andrei Codrescu. So far it's humane and funny.

So, go check out Spring Reading Challenge. And treat yourself to a nice book.

The guest who wouldn't leave

Well...

Things are finally returning to normal around here, and it's a good thing, too. What with the Mardi Gras, and Super Fat Tuesday, and the drinking and the dancing and the overeating followed by the snowstorm, things have been a little topsy turvy in the Bubs household.

I don't know when Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein "interviewed" all those models he featured yesterday, and I have no idea whatsoever what he gave them to drink, eat or otherwise ingest.

I'll tell you this much, though. When this doll


showed up at our doorstep in the early morning hours Wednesday, she already had a full head of steam going. She'd been drinking, of course, but there was something else. She was obviously worked up after ranting to Doctor MVM about the Bush administration, and she was out to take her edge off. No matter what we put on the hi-fi, it wasn't fast enough, or loud enough, or swinging enough for her taste.

Most of our friends left. The PTA Moms for Obama left. Not our model. She stayed, drinking and dancing and yelling VOTE YOU MOTHERF*CKERS, VOTE! MONKEY LOVE!

Some time before sunrise the neighbor came over, bleary-eyed, and asked us to turn the music down. Our girl here lurched over to the back door, grabbed the neighbor and planted a big wet kiss on him, which embarrassed the hell out of all of us. The neighbor reeled away, down off the porch. My children locked themselves in their rooms. The dogs wouldn't stop barking. I could see MizBubs calmly removing her glasses and taking off her loose jewelry, which she always does when she senses a brawl about to erupt.

The next few moments were confusing, a blur of popping balloons, shrieking and stereo speakers blowing out. Next thing I know, our model pops out from behind the tiki bar, stark naked, and asks where we keep our game of Twister:

And then she passed out on our zebra skin rug.

MizBubs and I breathed a sigh of relief, turned off the hi-fi, threw a blanket over our model, and went to sleep.

This morning she was gone. I spent the better part of the morning throwing out deflated balloons, confetti and empty Abita bottles. I swept out 8 pounds of lemon rinds from behind the tiki bar, and then I made a sad discovery. Whenever balloon girl crept out, she apparently took my last bottle of absinthe, a can of pepper spray, three of my Las Vegas ashtrays and my favorite Herb Alpert LP record. You know the one.

So Doctor Monkey...please. Next time you get some impressionable starlet all likkered up and politically agitated, don't point her in my direction. OK? Thanks.

I am a lousy Santa

Let me explain.

Recently, courtesy of Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein, I signed on to participate in the Zaius and Monkerstein's Simian Secret Santa. I thought it sounded like a swell idea, and I threw my name in on December 22nd when I was full of Christmas vinegar. I was excited to draw the name of one Germaine Gregarious, whose blog I've only just started reading. For that matter, I had only recently taken notice of Zaius Nation, and boy, do I got lots of catching up to do...

Well, I may not be a writer or a strategic sales executive, but I do know how to procrastinate. And doggone it if December 25 didn't come and go without me bestowing a single gift on my target, Germaine Gregarious. I was somewhat relieved when I found out that Ms. Gregarious was my secret Santa, and she was also stylishly late with the gift-giving. And oh, she was something else--she made it through the dogs and concertina wire, past the trap guns, and managed to get into the Compound tiki bar to fix us up a batch of Mai Tais!

But then the paralysis set back in, and I wasn't able to do my Santa thing.

Until tonight.

And really, what does it matter? The days between Christmas and New Year's Eve are the least productive of the year (except around here when we're celebrating Guy Fawkes Day) so being a few days late, hopefully, won't unduly piss off the beautiful and apparently lethal Ms. Gregarious.

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Well, I know Ms. Gregarious has a thing for pink pistols, and I'm a certified Glock armorer, so I thought the first thing I'd get her, simply as a little lagniappe, was a custom Glock pistol with a nifty tactical light attached:


Then I thought some more. While her Nefarious Lair has plenty of pink pistols already, they seemed to me to be lacking in longer-range firepower. The obvious choice was this perky Hello Kitty .223 carbine:

Then another thought occurred to me. Maybe the fabulous Germaine Gregarious was tired of pink firepower. Maybe she'd appreciate a little something different. Maybe a bright, summery lime green assault rifle, courtesy of the folks at DuraCoat:

I almost regifted, being sorely tempted to help Germaine protect her lair with my own Operation X-500 Rocket Launcher and Defense Base:


But my kids said no way, and I kept the X-500. I mean, come on--wouldn't you?

Finally, as I got to the last few million dollars in my budget (that X-500 is one cost overrun after another) I came up with something fun and practical for Ms. Gregarious.

I decided that I would furnish her with a personal staff, and pay their salaries and all expenses through the next election cycle. And believe me, these gals don't come cheap.

I got her a personal secretary

A research assistant who specializes in doing opposition research

And finally, a highly skilled night nurse, for mending wounds and conserving fighting strength when those secret missions get rough:

Merry Christmas Germaine Gregarious!