Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Weenie-Waver Wednesday!

Nothing starts off a weenie-waver Wednesday like a celebrity arrest.

Melinda June posted about the hilariously-named c-lister Andy Dick and his most recent arrest. Even though she beat me to it, the story bears recounting if only because of the opportunity to display what is now my favorite celebrity mugshot:

Alcohol was involved. And, apparently, so was a little weed and some Xanax. Mr. Dick had already encountered the police earlier that evening, and was warned to leave the area or face arrest for public intoxication. Instead he decided to grab a 17 year old girl's boobs and yank her top down, exposing her. Stay classy, Mr. Dick.

We sail tonight for Singapore: Mohammed Ismail Ariffin was sentenced to 14 years in prison, and caned 18 times. Why? Because he was convicted of being a serial armpit-sniffer, victimizing 23 women ranging in age from 9 to 53. To give you an idea of how enthusiastic an armpit sniffer he was, police identified him from the DNA he left at the scene of one encounter. He also did some fondling and exposing of his private parts.

Police in West Reading, PA, encountered 38 year old John Messerly as they investigated reports of a naked man running along the road. As police encounters with naked men so often end, Messerly got some pepper spray and a tasering before he was taken into custody.

According to witnesses, Messerly was scene climbing out of the driver's window and onto the roof of a moving van shortly before it crashed. In interviews with police, Messerly denied climbing onto the roof, and said he was thrown out the window while trying to adjust some lumber that had come loose inside the van. Once he was thrown clear he removed all his clothes because "he was in shock and wanted to see if he had any internal injuries." He also mentioned that he had smoked some crack cocaine the night before and had not slept since.

Florida will not be denied! Police in Boca Raton are searching for a naked man driving around in a maroon sedan and exposing himself to girls on bicycles.

Show me state:
Freddie Eugene Philpott, 52, of Washburn, Missouri, faces multiple charges from police in Arkansas and Missouri. He drove his Jeep over a curb, nearly striking several people, and stopped near a group of "special needs" students. He then offered some of the students $20 to help him move some scrap metal. An alert teacher noticed that Mr. Philpott was only wearing underwear, and called police.

In the weeks leading up to this incident, Freddie Philpott had also been arrested or reported to police for attempting to solicit children into his car, driving while intoxicated, crashing his car while driving naked, stalking a mentally handicapped neighbor, and driving naked while masturbating.

While alcohol was involved, so was mental illness, according to Phipott's attorney:

Philpott's attorney, John Mikesch, filed a motion seeking to have Philpott released from the Benton County Jail and transferred to a mental-health facility in Nixa, Mo...

Mikesch said Philpott has a history of mental illness and has been declared a disabled and incapacitated person by the 39 th Judicial Circuit Court in Cassville, Mo. Philpott has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type; substance abuse; mixed personality disorder; and an additional undiagnosed psychosis, according to court documents. Philpott is also described as mildly mentally retarded with a learning disability, court documents state.

More naked driving, with rage:

38 year old Rachel Hansen of Midvale, Utah, rammed the car of a couple of guys who were out looking for a cat. She rammed their car twice, then got out of her car to argue with them. Naked. They grabbed her keys and she chased a young girl into a nearby house. Naked Rachel kicked the door in and then waited for police inside the home. Much of this event was captured on a neighbor's security camera, and you can see some fun video here.

Oh, Canada: "Ridge Meadows RCMP got a call that a naked man had stolen a pair of coveralls and a five-tonne truck from a farm in Maple Ridge and driven off

I won't say too much about this next story. While technically occurring within the privacy of her own home, the fact that this story contains Okies and "crimes against nature" meant that I had to include it.

This here is Diane Sue Whalen.

Think of the most mortifying situation you can think of. Say, accidentally walking in on your parents knocking boots, or your kid finding your toy box, or the most embarrassing moment from a Ben Stiller movie, and then multiply that by a bazillion.

Think about your kid, who is house sitting for you and taking care of your dogs, finding your stash of "193 CD-ROMs and DVDs, 67 VHS tapes, 12 cassette tapes, two floppy discs, two computer flash drives and one photo album" all allegedly showing Ms. Whalen getting busy with her dogs. The son, reeling from lord only knows what kind of psychic trauma at that point, and probably requiring medical treatment for painful burning eyeballs, turned the material over to the police.

You read that correctly. The dogs are now in protective custody and have been neutered to prepare them for adoption.

And, finally, this. Jeffrey Bradford, a pilot for Pinnacle Airlines, and Adriana Connor, a flight attendant for the same company, were both arrested in Pennsylvania. The couple decided to get busy in the woods on their way back to their motel. At some point during the proceedings Bradford wandered off, naked. Ms. Connor ended up sitting in a Chevy Tahoe parked at the home of the local fire chief, and when the chief investigated Connor told him there was a naked man in the woods.

Bradford was arrested after he turned up in someone's backyard requesting a pair of shorts. He was taken into custody wearing a pair of flip-flops and a wristwatch, in perfect porno style except for his lack of black gold-toe socks.

Alcohol was involved in a big way. Bradford and Connor are pictured here as they appeared in court. Note that Ms. Connor is hiding behind the brown paper evidence bag used to store prisoner property, a nice touch.


Johnny Yen said...

Thank you for the great public service that "Weenie Waver Wednesday" performs; after reading it, I realize that whatever problems I have in my life are incredibly trivial!

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Word.

I love these posts. They make me feel much better about the chaos of my life.

P.S. I believe the lunatic driver featured in yesterday's drama was clothed.

jin said...

Bubs... you ROCK!
Thank you so much for keeping us entertai... er... I mean informed.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I've been in a few situations in which "alcohol was involved," but I've never been found wandering anywhere naked.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and like most Southern Californians, when I heard about Andy Dick I wondered what the hell he was doing in Murietta. It's my theory that he was on his way home from a bender in Palm Springs, got onto the wrong freeway, and ended up there by mistake. No sober person would really choose to go to Murietta.

Dr. Zaius said...

"...while trying to adjust some lumber..." Heh-heh

Melinda June said...

I still think the best part of the Andy Dick story is that this all happened at a Buffalo Wild Wings.

Bubs said...

Melinda, yes! The only thing that would've made it even better was if it happened at a Waffle House.

Dr Zaius, I totally missed that the first time. Heh.

Kirby, tell me more about this "Murietta". And, I'm with you on the "alcohol was involved" part.

Jin, I'm from the government. I'm here to help.

DCup, that's one reason I post this stuff. It makes me feel so much better about myself. I'm glad you're ok after witnessing that accident.

Johnny, exactly!

Cormac Brown said...

I really feel bad for the dogs. They don't know any better and now they're getting their junk lopped off?

Grant Miller said...

This may be my favorite series in the blogosphere.

The biggest surprise about the Andy Dick arrest? That he did it do a girl and not a dude.

"Naked Driving, with Rage" is the title to a concept album I'm working on.

Bubs said...

Grant Miller, I'm looking forward to that album. Especially the cover art.

Cormac, that is exactly the first thing I thought of when I read this story! What a ripoff for the poor dogs.

Erik Donald France said...

You can now officially add the Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, to this crew of whackos ;->

GETkristiLOVE said...

OMG, the evidence bag was the best end evah!

Distributorcap said...

can i quote Jay and the Americans

Only IN AMerica, land of opportunity

Freida Bee said...

Aw shit, I just wasted the last two hours at work looking at celebrity mugshots on The Smoking Gun. That's how far I got before I got totally distracted, the Andy Dick story. Of course, when I returned, I completely enjoyed the rest (except the part about the dogs' privvies). It all made me really thankful I live on five acres and can wander naked in the woods without necessarily trespassing. It's a shame some of theses other loonies didn't have the same luxury granted to them.

I did do it in a park with Mr. Bee once, oh and on a couch he was transporting in the back of a pick-up, but I don't think we traumatized any civilians in the process.

Freida Bee said...

FMI- Are those handcuffable offences per chance?

Dale said...

Thankfully, Canada is still on the list even though we wish we weren't.

Along with what Grant said about Andy Dick, Joel McHale on 'The Soup' said - how wasted do you have to be to forget your own sexuality?!

Hi Bubs!