Thursday, October 23, 2008

Germany or Florida: And the winner is...CANADA!

Congratulations to long-time friend of the compound Dale! He successfully went for the bold "all Florida" gambit and won this week's contest. He even did it in a typically polite and unobtrusive way:
"Is it wrong to guess Florida for all of them?"
Well done, sir!

Clearly Dale has shown unique insight into the Florida mindset. Does he winter there? Until now I had never pictured Dale as one of those millions of snowbirds who flock to Florida every year; however, a careful re-reading of his Honeypot stories made me realize she is very likely some native Florida white trash that he brought back north for his (and our) amusement.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to welcome some new visitors to the compound. Eternally Curious and Jewels both stopped by and jumped right into the contest. Thanks for visiting, and I hope you'll be back soon!

Answers and commentary are in blue.

1) A man and his girlfriend returned home after arguing in a tavern. The man wanted to have sex, and the woman didn't. The man threatened her with a rifle, but only succeeded in shooting himself.

No Bang? Bang! Bang! Xanax was also involved, in addition to the alcohol and firearms.

2) An argument between two men resulted in one of them grabbing a hammer and threatening the other. The other grabbed a letter opener and stabbed the hammer man. It was not hammer time.

Man with hammer loses to man with letter opener, police say.

3) A man wanted to teach his son "how to party right" and showed the teenager how to crush and snort prescription drugs. The son died.

Boy dies during dad's 'how to party' lesson, police say.

If I'd told you the drug was Oxycontin, it would totally have given away the source.

4) A homeless woman hit a homeless man over the head with a Heineken bottle during an argument.

Well played, Skylersdad and Kirby, for recognizing that the Heineken reference was a red herring! If I had given the reason for the argument, it would totally have nailed this as a Florida story:
"...Diane Parrish hit him over the head with a Heineken beer bottle after he told Parrish her daughter could not get her into heaven, only Jesus can, according to the report."
Remember this for future reference: Jesus + interpersonal violence=Florida.

5) A pet rat starts a fire in the owner's home.

Flaming pet rat starts fire, damages Titusville home. If I'd mentioned that the kid's parents were away doing mission work, that might have given it away (again with the Jesus=Florida). Maybe this line, delivered with typical Floridian understatement, would have done the trick:
"I had a few beers before it happened, but nothing out of the ordinary," Stanifer told Eyewitness News.
6) A driver pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving promptly urinated on himself as he asked the officer if he was in any trouble.

Driver gets pulled over, urinates on himself.

This one was tough just based on the information given. Now, if the driver had actually called the police there himself, or if he'd been stopped while fleeing from a poorly-planned robbery, that would have made it an easier Florida pick.

7) The owners of a traveling educational zoo are sued by a hotel worker who claims that her exposure to bird and monkey feces and dander caused a chronic medical condition when they stayed at her hotel.

Inn housekeeper sues Paso's traveling zoo.

Another tough call: monkeys=Germany, squalor can go either way and generally litigation=Florida. If you read the story, though, you'll see that an alligator was involved.


Johnny Yen said...

Dammit-- I should have gone with my instincts. When I read it, I thought "those have all got to be Florida." Turns out I was right.

dguzman said...

Dammit, I miss this blog for a couple of days, and lo and behold, you're blasting 'em out of the park four days running! Sheesh, Bubs! Brilliant brilliant stuff.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I'll get you for your trickery Bubs, I swear I will!

Randal Graves said...

Florida is even wackier than I thought! Frightening, frightening stuff.

Elizabeth McQuern said...

Ha ha, awesome.

Dale said...

The honour!

I was reading through and couldn't imagine any of my German ancestors getting up to such antics (well, I could, but only if they were in Florida at the time).

I'd like to thank the Academy (you have one at the Compound don't you Bubs?).

Eebie said...

Great stuff! So many of these were tough calls based on the info know how to build the excitement.

Tanya Espanya said...

See, this is why I'm glad we moved back to Canaduh from Florida.

(well, that's not why we moved back, but we did live in Aventura (Miami) for a couple of years...full of weirdos...)

Tanya Espanya said...

Ooops, forgot to say, Well done, Dale!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Nicely done, Dale. I feel proud to share a beaver with you.

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