Saturday, December 20, 2008

Germany or Florida: Amputee criminal holiday edition!



Happy holidays everyone!

With Hanukkah and Christmas right around the corner, I figured it’s time to sneak in one last Germany or Florida for the year. Since it’s the holiday season and I'm a festive bastard, I’m going to do something different and award a prize for this contest. The winner will receive a vintage pulp paperback of my choosing.

In the event that two or more contestants tie, I have no idea what I’ll do. I’ll figure something out. Maybe a 3 question lightning round tie-breaker, or perhaps both winners will get a prize, or you’ll both get nothing and like it, dammit.

UPDATED: Post your answers in the comments by 6pm, CST, Sunday, December 28th. There are some tough choices here, and I'll tell you up front that the bold "all Germany" or "all Florida" play won't work this time.

Here we go:

1) A man and woman got in an argument over her misplaced false teeth. The man gave her what she called “flying lessons”, throwing her up into the air and onto the kitchen floor. She grabbed a knife and threatened to kill him.

2) A pregnant woman wearing a cap, sunglasses and rubber gloves attempted to rob a bank. She also brought her toddler along.

3) Police officers sent to investigate a loud party were mistaken for strippers by the raucous female partygoers.

4) A man was arrested after offering to pay for his takeout order with marijuana.

5) Parents want a teacher fired after she performed a striptease for her teenaged students.

6) A boy was blasted through the window of a bathroom after making a stinky poo, spraying air freshener to cover the smell, and playing with a lighter.

7) A woman dropped by a man’s apartment to smoke some crack. While waiting, she opened some canned sardines and some sausages, enraging him. He beat her and got arrested.

8) An unknown amputee, missing both arms, managed to steal a 24” television set. He got two people to assist in somehow clamping the television to his chest before walking out. He was not caught; the theft was discovered later after when the security video was reviewed.

9) A man in a wheelchair robbed a bank. He was captured minutes later, a block away from the bank. He initially told cops he was forced to do it by two armed men who took the money from him. The cash was found in his prosthetic leg.

10) A man turned on the gas in his apartment to kill himself after his girlfriend dumped him. When the girlfriend stopped by later to pick up her things, she lit a cigarette and caused an explosion. The man was charged with murder after his neighbor died in the explosion.

11) This area is experiencing a critical shortage of shopping center Santas. Successful candidates need a “clean police record.”

12) A 37 year old man living with his parents was arrested for attempting to attack his father with the family Christmas tree.

13) A 56 year old man was stripped of his gun license after a home inspection revealed the gun was hidden under a pillow in his bed. The man’s home was being checked because he had threatened to “throw a hand grenade” if the city council approved plans for a high voltage power line near his house.

14) A drug dealer escaped from prison by concealing himself in a large cardboard box, which was then carried out of the facility by a courier service along with other packages.

15) A 28 year old woman was arrested after a man came home to find the drunk woman on his roof, drinking beer, and refusing to come down unless he gave her more beer.

16) After drinking with a friend, a man burglarized a preschool to steal toys as holiday gifts for his children. Police found a stolen see-saw, a desk easel and some Frisbees in the man’s yard.

17) A woman suspected that her husband was cheating on her. She demanded that he allow her to smell his penis to determine if her fears were true. When she went to sniff, he punched her in the head, kicked her when she was on the floor, and left before the cops arrived.

17 comments:

SkylersDad said...

1. G
2. F
3. F
4. F
5. F
6. G
7. G
8. F
9. G
10. G
11. F
12. F
13. G
14. G
15. G
16. F
17. G

Absolutely no research was involved in these selections.

Cormac Brown said...

1) Florida.
2) Florida (in Germany, they'd have some kind of daycare available).
3) Florida (Germany, they take their uniforms too seriously).

4) Germany (50/50 chance they would've accepted that as payment in Florida).
5) Florida (how much you wanna bet they'll go with the "too pretty for jail" defense?).
6) Florida (in Germania they don't care about smell, the whole Nietzsche-thing).

7) Florida (crack is rare in Germany).
8) Florida.
9) Germany (too damned clever to be Florida).

10) Germany.
11) Florida.
12) Germany (but my heart says "Florida").

13) Florida.
14) Germany (it seems like the easiest place to escape prison if you read the news).
15) Germany.

16) Florida (though my heart says "Germany").
17) Florida (if it was "Germany," she woulda suck-punched him before she sniffed).

kirby said...

I'd hazard a guess, but I'm laughing too hard at #17.

Bacon Lady said...

1.Germany
2.Germany
3.Florida
4.Germany
5.Florida
6.Germany
7.Florida
8.Florida
9.Germany
10.Germany
11.Florida
12.Germany
13.Florida
14.Florida
15.Florida
16.Germany
17.Florida (you know there's a song about that right? Not this specific case, but the smelling part. I believe it's called "Smell Yo' Dick". I wish I was kidding.)

Dale said...

1. Germany
2. Florida
3. Florida
4. Florida
5. Germany
6. Germany
7. Germany
8. Florida
9. Florida
10.Germany
11.Florida
12.Germany
13.Florida
14.Germany
15.Germany
16.Florida
17.Germany

Freida of the Bees said...

1. F
2. F
3. G
4. G
5. F
6. F
7. F
8. G
9. G
10. F
11. G
12. F
13. F
14. F
15. F
16. G
17. G

dguzman said...

My random guesses, based on whether the word "Tannenbaum" could be substituted into the story (which made me choose Germany):
1 G
2 G
3 F
4 F
5 F
6 F
7 F
8 G
9 G
10 G
11 F
12 G
13 F
14 F
15 G
16 G
17 G

Randal Graves said...

I won't dare use my brain, but I will say that the stripper was Deutschland because all I had growing up were old blue hairs and nuns.

#15 is Murka. As for the rest, whomever wins is more than welcome to share their prize of nothing with me. A man can never have enough nothing.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Complete guess here:

All the prime numbers are Florida, all the even numbers are Germany, and the rest of the numbers are Luxembourg you crafty devil.

Bill T said...

1) F
misplaced false teeth.

2) F
brought her toddler along.

3) G
Police officers mistaken for strippers

4) F
marijuana (G=hash)

5) G
Teacher striptease

6) G
boy, poo, air freshener, lighter.
(minus air freshener would have been F)

7) G
sardines (sausage is a red herriing)

8) G
Performance art

9) F


10) F
(the man lived)

11) F
shopping center Santas

12) F
living with his parents

13) F
gun was hidden under a pillow

14) F
cardboard box


15) G
refusing to come down unless he gave her more beer.

16) F
Frisbees

17) G
to smell his penis

Johnny Yen said...

When you did your "All Florida" list, I almost guessed "All Florida." I'm not missing out this time. Those are all Florida!

Freida of the Bees said...

I smell a rat, Dr. Monkey! Two is prime and even. I know that you're up to.

I want that book, I tell ya.

(Ok. I'll go get a life.)

BeckEye said...

Let the wild guessing begin...

1) F

2) F

3) F

4) G

5) G

6) F

7) G

8) F

9) G

10) F

11) G

12) F

13) F

14) G

15) G

16) F

17) G

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh crap, I'm like 4 hours too late! Just in case, I will say All Florida. Because anything and everything can happen in Florida.

Spartacus said...

1.G 2.F 3.F 4.F 5.G

6.G 7.F 8.F 9.G 10.G

11.F 12.G 13.F 14.F 15.G

16.F 17.G

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Okay, taking advantage of late commenter amnesty, here goes:
1 G
2 G
3 F
4 F
5 F
6 G
7 F
8 G
9 F
10 G
11 F
12 F
13 G
14 F
15 F
16 F
17 G

Eebie said...

1 F
2 F
3 G
4 F
5 G
6 F
7 F
8 G
9 G
10 F
11 F
12 F
13 F
14 G
15 G
16 F
17 F