Happy holidays everyone!
With Hanukkah and Christmas right around the corner, I figured it’s time to sneak in one last Germany or Florida for the year. Since it’s the holiday season and I'm a festive bastard, I’m going to do something different and award a prize for this contest. The winner will receive a vintage pulp paperback of my choosing.
In the event that two or more contestants tie, I have no idea what I’ll do. I’ll figure something out. Maybe a 3 question lightning round tie-breaker, or perhaps both winners will get a prize, or you’ll both get nothing and like it, dammit.
UPDATED: Post your answers in the comments by 6pm, CST, Sunday, December 28th. There are some tough choices here, and I'll tell you up front that the bold "all Germany" or "all Florida" play won't work this time.
Here we go:
1) A man and woman got in an argument over her misplaced false teeth. The man gave her what she called “flying lessons”, throwing her up into the air and onto the kitchen floor. She grabbed a knife and threatened to kill him.
2) A pregnant woman wearing a cap, sunglasses and rubber gloves attempted to rob a bank. She also brought her toddler along.
3) Police officers sent to investigate a loud party were mistaken for strippers by the raucous female partygoers.
4) A man was arrested after offering to pay for his takeout order with marijuana.
5) Parents want a teacher fired after she performed a striptease for her teenaged students.
6) A boy was blasted through the window of a bathroom after making a stinky poo, spraying air freshener to cover the smell, and playing with a lighter.
7) A woman dropped by a man’s apartment to smoke some crack. While waiting, she opened some canned sardines and some sausages, enraging him. He beat her and got arrested.
8) An unknown amputee, missing both arms, managed to steal a 24” television set. He got two people to assist in somehow clamping the television to his chest before walking out. He was not caught; the theft was discovered later after when the security video was reviewed.
9) A man in a wheelchair robbed a bank. He was captured minutes later, a block away from the bank. He initially told cops he was forced to do it by two armed men who took the money from him. The cash was found in his prosthetic leg.
10) A man turned on the gas in his apartment to kill himself after his girlfriend dumped him. When the girlfriend stopped by later to pick up her things, she lit a cigarette and caused an explosion. The man was charged with murder after his neighbor died in the explosion.
11) This area is experiencing a critical shortage of shopping center Santas. Successful candidates need a “clean police record.”
12) A 37 year old man living with his parents was arrested for attempting to attack his father with the family Christmas tree.
13) A 56 year old man was stripped of his gun license after a home inspection revealed the gun was hidden under a pillow in his bed. The man’s home was being checked because he had threatened to “throw a hand grenade” if the city council approved plans for a high voltage power line near his house.
14) A drug dealer escaped from prison by concealing himself in a large cardboard box, which was then carried out of the facility by a courier service along with other packages.
15) A 28 year old woman was arrested after a man came home to find the drunk woman on his roof, drinking beer, and refusing to come down unless he gave her more beer.
16) After drinking with a friend, a man burglarized a preschool to steal toys as holiday gifts for his children. Police found a stolen see-saw, a desk easel and some Frisbees in the man’s yard.
17) A woman suspected that her husband was cheating on her. She demanded that he allow her to smell his penis to determine if her fears were true. When she went to sniff, he punched her in the head, kicked her when she was on the floor, and left before the cops arrived.