That reminds me...

It may not be hunting season yet, but it's never to soon to show off your pelt.

Summertime Dilemma

What do you do when it's unbearably hot or muggy outside? Or when you can't go outside because of those intense midwestern thunderstorms? What do you do? What do you do?

Well, one idea is to cool off in the basement of your parent's house and play with all your awesome stuff:

The children are our future

I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside...

-The Greatest Love of All, by Masser & Creed

And by all means, teach 'em to field strip an AR-15.

Germany or Florida: Amputee criminal holiday edition!

Happy holidays everyone!

With Hanukkah and Christmas right around the corner, I figured it’s time to sneak in one last Germany or Florida for the year. Since it’s the holiday season and I'm a festive bastard, I’m going to do something different and award a prize for this contest. The winner will receive a vintage pulp paperback of my choosing.

In the event that two or more contestants tie, I have no idea what I’ll do. I’ll figure something out. Maybe a 3 question lightning round tie-breaker, or perhaps both winners will get a prize, or you’ll both get nothing and like it, dammit.

UPDATED: Post your answers in the comments by 6pm, CST, Sunday, December 28th. There are some tough choices here, and I'll tell you up front that the bold "all Germany" or "all Florida" play won't work this time.

Here we go:

1) A man and woman got in an argument over her misplaced false teeth. The man gave her what she called “flying lessons”, throwing her up into the air and onto the kitchen floor. She grabbed a knife and threatened to kill him.

2) A pregnant woman wearing a cap, sunglasses and rubber gloves attempted to rob a bank. She also brought her toddler along.

3) Police officers sent to investigate a loud party were mistaken for strippers by the raucous female partygoers.

4) A man was arrested after offering to pay for his takeout order with marijuana.

5) Parents want a teacher fired after she performed a striptease for her teenaged students.

6) A boy was blasted through the window of a bathroom after making a stinky poo, spraying air freshener to cover the smell, and playing with a lighter.

7) A woman dropped by a man’s apartment to smoke some crack. While waiting, she opened some canned sardines and some sausages, enraging him. He beat her and got arrested.

8) An unknown amputee, missing both arms, managed to steal a 24” television set. He got two people to assist in somehow clamping the television to his chest before walking out. He was not caught; the theft was discovered later after when the security video was reviewed.

9) A man in a wheelchair robbed a bank. He was captured minutes later, a block away from the bank. He initially told cops he was forced to do it by two armed men who took the money from him. The cash was found in his prosthetic leg.

10) A man turned on the gas in his apartment to kill himself after his girlfriend dumped him. When the girlfriend stopped by later to pick up her things, she lit a cigarette and caused an explosion. The man was charged with murder after his neighbor died in the explosion.

11) This area is experiencing a critical shortage of shopping center Santas. Successful candidates need a “clean police record.”

12) A 37 year old man living with his parents was arrested for attempting to attack his father with the family Christmas tree.

13) A 56 year old man was stripped of his gun license after a home inspection revealed the gun was hidden under a pillow in his bed. The man’s home was being checked because he had threatened to “throw a hand grenade” if the city council approved plans for a high voltage power line near his house.

14) A drug dealer escaped from prison by concealing himself in a large cardboard box, which was then carried out of the facility by a courier service along with other packages.

15) A 28 year old woman was arrested after a man came home to find the drunk woman on his roof, drinking beer, and refusing to come down unless he gave her more beer.

16) After drinking with a friend, a man burglarized a preschool to steal toys as holiday gifts for his children. Police found a stolen see-saw, a desk easel and some Frisbees in the man’s yard.

17) A woman suspected that her husband was cheating on her. She demanded that he allow her to smell his penis to determine if her fears were true. When she went to sniff, he punched her in the head, kicked her when she was on the floor, and left before the cops arrived.

Christmas shopping dilemna

What do you get for the man who has everything?

On, Wisconsin!

Meet Aaron Maurice of Appleton, Wisconsin.

A couple in Appleton was awakened in the early morning hours by the sound of someone whistling in their basement. Being prepared Americans, they grabbed a shotgun and investigated.

In the basement they found Mr. Maurice, wearing the man's hat and the woman's jacket, and covered in barbecue sauce. Maurice related that he was hiding from the government, and later described the barbecue sauce as "an urban disguise, if you will."

Maurice's attorney, Gene Bartman, noted that Maurice was motivated by "inexplicable reasons."

Yes, we're ready

The question is, what are we ready for?

In the immediate sense, I'm ready for the next few days of firearm instructor school. I know, I know, it looks like I'm preparing for the impending zombie apocalypse, but that's just the stuff I need for school this week: a handgun, three magazines, a shotgun, cleaning kit (the Otis Elite, a present from my thoughtful bride) eye and ear protection, 300 rounds of 9mm handgun ammo and a few accessories. And really, how cool is it that there is a gun-cleaning system named after the town drunk on a 1960's TV show?

One of the things about this class is, I have to come up with a topic, prepare a lesson plan for it, and then do a 7 minute presentation. This is pretty basic instructor development stuff, and I've done this kind of thing before, so I figure I'll have a little fun. Here's my proposed topic:

"Recognizing and responding to the early stages of a flesh-eating zombie outbreak."

Hopefully the instructor has a sense of humor.

_____________________

All this talk of zombie outbreaks has me thinking of bite wounds. And bite wounds make me think of my eldest and her ongoing experiments with special effects makeup. The other day she got hold of some dental casting materials--alginate, trays and plaster--from a special effects guy she met recently. This guy is making a set of fangs for her, and she's going to wear them at Flashback Weekend in Rosemont later this month. She's going to model the fangs, and then do a casting for anyone who's interested in buying a pair. She'll pass the castings to the sfx dude, and the purchaser will get a custom set of fangs within a couple of weeks.

In the meantime her dental casting experiments are providing us all with loads o' fun:



I told her that with these materials it would actually be possible to duplicate and then plant someone's fingerprints at a crime scene. She's only going to use her powers for good, though. She also asks, while you're at it, to please come down and root for her in the Zombie Pinup contest. She'll be the zombie nurse.

I'm proud of her.

I am a lousy Santa

Let me explain.

Recently, courtesy of Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein, I signed on to participate in the Zaius and Monkerstein's Simian Secret Santa. I thought it sounded like a swell idea, and I threw my name in on December 22nd when I was full of Christmas vinegar. I was excited to draw the name of one Germaine Gregarious, whose blog I've only just started reading. For that matter, I had only recently taken notice of Zaius Nation, and boy, do I got lots of catching up to do...

Well, I may not be a writer or a strategic sales executive, but I do know how to procrastinate. And doggone it if December 25 didn't come and go without me bestowing a single gift on my target, Germaine Gregarious. I was somewhat relieved when I found out that Ms. Gregarious was my secret Santa, and she was also stylishly late with the gift-giving. And oh, she was something else--she made it through the dogs and concertina wire, past the trap guns, and managed to get into the Compound tiki bar to fix us up a batch of Mai Tais!

But then the paralysis set back in, and I wasn't able to do my Santa thing.

Until tonight.

And really, what does it matter? The days between Christmas and New Year's Eve are the least productive of the year (except around here when we're celebrating Guy Fawkes Day) so being a few days late, hopefully, won't unduly piss off the beautiful and apparently lethal Ms. Gregarious.

_____________________

Well, I know Ms. Gregarious has a thing for pink pistols, and I'm a certified Glock armorer, so I thought the first thing I'd get her, simply as a little lagniappe, was a custom Glock pistol with a nifty tactical light attached:


Then I thought some more. While her Nefarious Lair has plenty of pink pistols already, they seemed to me to be lacking in longer-range firepower. The obvious choice was this perky Hello Kitty .223 carbine:

Then another thought occurred to me. Maybe the fabulous Germaine Gregarious was tired of pink firepower. Maybe she'd appreciate a little something different. Maybe a bright, summery lime green assault rifle, courtesy of the folks at DuraCoat:

I almost regifted, being sorely tempted to help Germaine protect her lair with my own Operation X-500 Rocket Launcher and Defense Base:


But my kids said no way, and I kept the X-500. I mean, come on--wouldn't you?

Finally, as I got to the last few million dollars in my budget (that X-500 is one cost overrun after another) I came up with something fun and practical for Ms. Gregarious.

I decided that I would furnish her with a personal staff, and pay their salaries and all expenses through the next election cycle. And believe me, these gals don't come cheap.

I got her a personal secretary

A research assistant who specializes in doing opposition research

And finally, a highly skilled night nurse, for mending wounds and conserving fighting strength when those secret missions get rough:

Merry Christmas Germaine Gregarious!

Early morning checklist

Gun? Check.

Bourbon? Check.

Clown...clown?!

I will survive

I think there a few reasons for this high score:

1) I've always been a paranoid gun nut. Probably from all those zombie movies I watched as a kid.

2) My daughter gave me The Zombie Survival Guide as a gift a few years ago.

3) I've always been a paranoid gun nut.


91%Mingle² - Free Online Dating



From Evil Spock by way of Johnny Yen.

ILEETA Conference, Day 3: Look ma, I'm an armorer

I am now a certified Glock pistol armorer. That's how I spent my day--disassembling and reassembling Glock pistols, and learning fixes for common problems. So, uh, if any of you readers need a Glock pistol cleaned and inspected, or need any simple repairs done, let me know.

ILEETA Conference, Day 1: high on swag

Well, day one is over, and I'm sitting here looking over my swag from today. The conference organizers really outdid themselves this year. Here's the haul so far:

-2 ILEETA logo polo shirts

-An ILEETA sweatshirt

-An ILEETA hooded sweatshirt

-A laptop computer briefcase (this saved me some money, because I was about to buy one this week.)

-A black nylon gym bag with the ILEETA logo tastefully displayed on the side, containing:
-A Princeton Tec mini flashlight
-A 1gig flash drive
-2 pepper sprays
-A notebook/binder
-A whole bunch of free pens, carabiners, mini-lights, stress balls and assorted brochures and publications.

Then, while going around the vendors, I picked up a Magnum Claw. The Magnum Claw is a cool tire spike contraption that you can place under the wheel of a parked car; the car drives over the spikes and is deflated. Good times! I also got some more flash drives, a little stress ball shaped like a hand grenade, a canvass tote bag and some gun cleaning supplies from OTIS and a bunch more stuff than I can remember. Finally, I won a coupon for half off the price of a groundfighting class I'm interested in.

Oh, man, I bought some stuff too. Two new KA-BAR knives: a TDI law enforcement knife, and a new product called a TDI-LDK, that's a small knife that can be worn around the neck, or laced into a boot. I also picked up some new neoprene shooting gloves.

Cross your fingers for me, or chant nam myoho renge kyo, or something, because they have a kick-ass raffle later this week. The Bubs family arsenal could really expand if I get lucky.

Ten Favorite Things

It's been a while since I got on one of these things. Lulu, Wonderturtle and Tenacious S have all composed some wonderful lists so far.

Here is mine:

Ten favorite things starting with the letter S:

The Sazerac. I've mentioned them before, and in my opinion it's a perfect cocktail:

• 2 oz rye whiskey (bourbon will do in an emergency)
• ½ oz bar syrup
• absinthe (you can use Absente or Herbsaint)
• 3 drops Peychaud's Bitters
• Twist of lemon peel

1. Put a few drops of absinthe in a rocks glass and swirl to coat the glass.
2. Mix the whiskey, syrup and bitters in a cocktail shaker over ice until chilled.
3. Pour into rocks glass over two ice cubes. Rub rim of glass with lemon peel.
4. Enjoy!

Sex: Well, duh. Seriously, I'm fascinated with it, all its complexity, joys and horrors. My love of all things sexy and sleazy is ironic, though, given that I'm also offended by the increasing pornification of our culture, and I'm fairly modest in my personal life.

Slot machine noise: That exciting, omnipresent noise inside every big casino. Every once in a while I'll hear something that reminds me of it—a cell phone ring, a video game—and I'll be instantly transported to that wonderful moment when you first walk into a casino.

Skillets. Big iron skillets. We have a nice collection of well-seasoned cast iron skillets, and I use them nearly every day. They feel great in your hand when you're cooking, and they have a great old look. Plus Wanda Jackson had a great song about beating her husband with one.

From My Big Iron Skillet:

There's gonna be some changes made
When you get home tonight
Cause I'm gonna to teach you wrong from right

With my big iron skillet in my hand
Gonna show you how a little woman
Can whip a great big man
If you live through the fight
We're gonna have when you get home
You'll wake up, and find yourself alone

Sweet tea: Summertime in the south. I can only drink it when the temperature goes over 90.

Sunshine: I've always liked being outside, and I dig that near-blinding sunbaked feeling you get in places like Las Vegas, or the combination of sunshine and water in places like the Florida keys. I seem to crave it more as I get older.

Swamps: Why am I so attracted to a landscape that, frankly, scares the shit out of me? Snakes and alligators. Fever, bourbon and decay. Mmmm... I've been in mangrove swamps in Florida, and Cypress swamps in Louisiana. I like the cypress swamps better.

Shotguns: BOOYAH! There is not much in this world more fun and satisfying than shooting a big-ass 12 gauge shotgun. I own two of them, a Remington 870 tactical shotgun (think Ving Rhames in the Dawn of the Dead remake) and an antique Winchester Model 12.

Splatter movies: The wetter, the better. I want so much gore and grue flying off the screen you feel like you need a raincoat.

Summertime: And the living is easy. Catfish, barbecue, sweet tea, drinking on the back porch. Sleepy dogs.

The Alligator Connection

As our society falls apart and descends into a George Romero-esque nightmare of alligator attacks and vigilante violence, remember that you heard about it here, first. Our experts have been examining the connection between alligator attacks and crack cocaine for some time, and now we have a frightening new development to report.

Police in Fitchburg, Massachusetts, while executing a search warrant, found a kill-crazy alligator guarding a stash of 56 grams of crack cocaine. Granted, the alligator was only 2 feet long, and confined in a filthy tank full of stagnant water, but don't be fooled--this was undoubtedly part of some fiendishly clever lizard plot that we just haven't figured out yet.

Was the dealer using the alligator to guard the cocaine? Was the alligator using the dealer to lure crackheads within range for an easy gator meal? How did the alligator get as far north as Massachusetts? Is there, like, an underground railroad for alligators based on urban northeastern sewer systems? So many questions, so little bourbon.

Armed America

I feel left out. We missed the road tour, and our family portrait won't appear in the upcoming book.

Here's a quote from Anthony, pictured at right:

"I own a gun because I'm a f*ckin' American and a Marine. It's my God-given right."

Amen, brother.

On a side note, I had no idea that so many tattooed hipsters owned guns.

Like Christmas in January

One thing I really like is ordering stuff online, and then coming home from work to find packages recently arrived, waiting for me on the dining room table. It's exciting!

Anyway, this was a busy week. I spent the past 5 days in a class on dignitary protection. Ever wonder how to redirect the target of gunfire and push him headfirst into a waiting limo? We learned how to do stuff like that. The course culminated in a 10 hour long exercise wherein we protected our two "dignitaries" (a judge and our Chief of Police) who were the targets of death threats from a white supremacist group. We went to Midway airport (where we got to drive out onto the tarmac to pick up our principals, jets roaring overhead), the Bilandic building on LaSalle Street, Tavern on Rush, back to the Bilandic building, and then to the United Center for a Blackhawks game. I have a newfound awe and respect for agencies like the Secret Service and the US Marshall who do this all the time.

So, Thursday night I got home and found two boxes on the dining room table. You see the contents in this picture. I finally broke down and bought a basic notebook computer, and I'm excited about that--now I'll be one of those slick bullshit artists with a Power Point presentation ready for any occasion. It's a Compaq from Office Depot, and once I send in these rebates it will have cost me $499.

The other box did not, sadly, contain a firearm. But it did contain a new holster: a Blackhawk CQC Serpa holster for my Glock 26. What a great holster--it came with attachments for wearing on a belt (which is what you see here) as well as a "paddle" attachment for inside-the-belt wear.

It's nice to be well-equipped.

It's a disease

"Oh yeah...you've got the disease now."
--Statement from one of my coworkers after I purchased a WASR-10, a Romanian AK-47 knockoff.

The arsenal has topped off now at 6 guns:

-S&W Model 66 .357 revolver (my first gun, and now MizBubs' home defense weapon)
-Glock Model 21 .45 semiauto (my first semi-auto, carried it on duty for 10 years)
-Glock Model 26 (my off-duty gun, it replaced a .38 snub)
-Winchester Model 12 shotgun (made in 1949, a gift from one of my brothers-in-law)
-WASR10 7.62x39 rifle (my first scary-looking assault weapon, when I asked MizBubs about buying it, and she heard the great price, she was like "well, yeah, go ahead, you've always wanted one haven't you?)
-Remington 870 shotgun (another great deal, and it's got an interchangeable barrel so I can modify it easily for deer hunting)

Each one of these weapons has some backstory, special meaning or purpose. I joke about how I have enough guns to fit out the entire family as a CQB fire team, but seriously, we're not quite there yet.

But, as much as I LOVE gun talk, that's not the disease I'm talking about today. Today I'm talking about the disease of repair & restoration projects. And canoes.

Some of the very best times I've ever had in my life have involved camping and canoeing, and especially a couple of canoe trips we've taken with my father-in-law: one on the Kickapoo River in Wisconsin, and one in the Boundary Waters in Minnesota. We left for our Kickapoo trip the morning of September 11, 2001, listening to the events unfold on the radio, and then didn't hear anything else about what had happened until the morning of the 13th.

While I've got literally hundreds of wonderful memories of camping trips with MizBubs' family--from laid back outings at Finally Farm to crawling through cave mud at Maquoketa Caves to hanging around a cabin in Minnesota--any trip that involves time in a canoe stands out.

We came close a few years ago to buying a form to make our own wood and canvas canoes, but a change in fortunes stopped us from going ahead.

We've got some decent places to canoe around here, nothing spectacular, but enough that I'm always vaguely on the lookout for a decent used canoe. Well, there I was wasting time on eBay and I found this 17' Old Town canoe. Up until that moment I'd been looking at cheap Royalex and aluminum canoes that were being auctioned here in Illinois. But the moment I saw that husk of a wood canoe, I felt the fever. That monomaniacal oh yeah we can put on a show in the barn how hard could it be delusional fever. Any of my family members reading this will know exactly what I'm talking about.

I have two books on wood & canvas canoe building that were a gift from my father-in-law years ago. I'm digging them out now to prepare. I've made sudden frantic calls and emails to other in-laws to secure garage or barn space to work on this thing, if I get it. I'm attending the Cubs-Brewers game in Milwaukee tonight (an FOP outing, and I'm not even sure why I'm going) so I won't be home when the bidding on this skeletal beauty ends. MizBubs, as she has for so many years in this marriage, is going to do my bidding. Only this time for good, not evil.

I'm not sure if I'm more scared of not getting this canoe, or of getting it and having to deal with the reality of restoring and finishing a workable canoe, something I, in all honesty, have no f*cking idea how to do beyond having read a book on the subject. Clearly the guy selling this ran out of time, patience, space money or whatever needed to finish this thing. I don't want to be that guy myself, re-selling a partially finished canoe in two years. Then again, plenty of my grandiose schemes have worked out quite well.

So we'll see how this goes.