Tuesday, January 20, 2009

An open letter to President Obama

It felt good to say that--"President Obama". I felt compelled to write this letter to our new president.

Dear President Obama,

I write to you today in a spirit of great hope for the future. You have made it clear that we are faced with many grave and daunting tasks, and you have promised to begin work immediately. I applaud you for your determination and your honesty in facing the difficult times ahead, and the forthright way in which you call upon we, the people, to pitch in and work together.

There are many pressing issues. You will be called upon immediately to take steps to right the economy. There are millions of Americans lacking health care. Our brave military is still engaged in Iraq and Afghanistan. And you're still going to have to do a lot of damage control after the whole Rick Warren thing. Yes, you are.

Truly, there are dozens of issues requiring your immediate action and attention. You said today
"We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness."
Your phrase "childish things" struck a chord in me, and in that spirit, as a proud and vigilant American voter, I have only one request of your administration.

Please do something about the clowns. Specifically, the abstinence-only clowns.

I recently learned that the outgoing administration has spent nearly $1.5 billion on abstinence-only sex education. That money has been doled out to a variety of organizations like Elizabeth's New Life Center, which got a grant for $800,000. And that money helped pay the salary of a clown named Derek Dye, proud graduate of Barnum & Bailey Clown College, so that Derek could toss out bon mots to middle schoolers, like "Sex before marriage will destroy all of your life’s dreams!” while wearing a bad sweater vest and juggling bowling pins. Derek is pictured here:

And you can see a video of his mad juggling skillz here:

My bride, reading this over my shoulder and seeing the video of Mr. Dye, piped up. She said, and I quote, "I'd take abstinence-only education a lot more seriously if anyone who looked like they had even a remote chance of getting f*cked was promoting it." Mr. President, I've learned to trust her judgment on things like this.

So there you have it, Mr. President. Do our nation proud, and stop the madness. We're only one executive order away from an abstinence-only clown-free America.

God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.

*Thanks to Splotchy for the heads-up.


BeckEye said...

"I'd take abstinence-only education a lot more seriously if anyone who looked like they had even a remote chance of getting f*cked was promoting it."

Oh, Mizbubs is so wise. It's never that way, is it?

Wren said...

$1.5 billion to encourage teens not to have sex until they get married. What a monstrous, shameful, and yes, CHILDISH waste. It still just stuns me that we put up with Bush and his henchmen for eight whole years, Bubs. Thank goodness we're finally putting that stupidity behind us.

And Mrs Bubs? Right ON!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Miz Bubs is wise beyond her years.

Erik Donald France said...

Right on, both of ya's.

The only clown I saw all day today was a broken down old Dick Cheney, Dr. Strangelove forty years later, being wheeled away to God knows what mineshaft.

Mnmom said...

Erik, so true!
Thanks again to the Bubs family for pointing out the truth. What a shameful waste of my money.

Cap'n Ergo "XL" Jinglebollocks said...

egad, is THAT my problem?? That I had premarital sex in college?? I thought my life was fucked up because of catastrophically dumb decisions I've made, including the decision TO marry the woman I was fucking who turned out to be completely and utterly WRONG for me as well as a veritable pinnacle of E-V-I-L.

I think we should print this and send off 10,000 copies. I'll sign a few myself and help you lick envelopes.

Some Guy said...

Bubs, your continued vigilance against clowns (especially abstinence-only ones) is to be commended.

Randal Graves said...

I had sex before marriage and...wait...oh shit, the clown is right!

Grant Miller said...

You are a patriot.

Anonymous said...

A big standing ovation to you and Mrs. Bubs.

Lisa said...

I am awed by your ability to bring out the clowns so soon! And Miz Bubs couldn't be more correct.

Bubs said...

Lisa, my bride only ever speaks up and says something raunchy about twice a year, but when she does it's a hoot

Suze, thank you!

Grant Miller, we all have our small part to play in rebuilding this great nation. Mine, I think, is dealing with the clowns.

Randal, stop--don't encourage them!

Some Guy, thank you!

Cap'n, no kidding. Let's do it.

MnMom, Wren, no kidding. It's just one more example of the money that's been pissed away on cronies, religious freaks and con men.

Erik, that's exactly what I thought!

Dr MVM, BeckEye, yes, she is wise. She's the only thing keeping me from being both shallow AND bitter as hell.

Anonymous said...

Awesome letter Bubs. But I have but one question to ask your bride regarding her poignant, if not ironic, comment: Haven't we all been fucked by abstinence-only sex education?

Kulkuri said...

Mrs. Bubs is indeed wise. As for Spartacus, "Haven't we all been fucked by abstinence-only sex education" and not in a good way, I would say, "Yes!!"

dguzman said...

I wanna have MizBubs' babies. Brilliant woman you've got there, buddy.