Thursday, January 22, 2009

When I say it's a trend, it's a trend baby

In the 2009 threat assessment published on January 14 I identified two emerging crime patterns originating in Florida. The second pattern was the phenomenon of food as weapon.

Now another food-as-weapon incident has been reported, again in sunny Florida.

Meet Cassady C. Catolico:



Ms. Catolico hit a man named Steven Buniasky in the head with a bagel. The report does not describe the bagel, nor does it state whether or not Catolico brought the weapon with her to the crime scene, or if she used the victim's own bagel against him.
It does say that Ms. Catolico was already on probation and was in violation of a temporary injunction filed the week before by her victim. The incident occurred at 2:18 am, proving once more that no matter what problems you're having in your relationship, and no matter how badly you want to work out those problems, trying to do so after 2 in the morning is probably not a good idea.

So, fellow citizens--brace yourselves. So far we've seen assaults with sandwiches, hamburgers, delicious sweet potato pies and now bagels. I shudder to imagine what happens when they get to the canned goods, smoked meats, and large imported cheeses.

14 comments:

Paul D.Brazill said...

Wasn't Jack, Eraserhead, Nance killed after being hit by a donut?

Randal Graves said...

Just imagine if that bagel had cream cheese on it. Or, Cthulhu forbid, was toasted. Them charred edges can cut something fierce.

Mnmom said...

What's next?! Cream sauces and spices as terrorist agents?

SkylersDad said...

You are so correct about the after 2 AM effect!

Dale said...

Look at that arch in her eyebrow and tell me he didn't know something was coming his way! If it was cheese bagel, I would not have pressed charges.

Kvatch said...

This just proves what I've always believed: We need to keep food out of the home. Food in the home is an invitation for criminals to use it against you!

Gifted Typist said...

FMWs

Suze said...

She doesn't even look like she's sorry for this heinous crime. What is this world coming to?

dguzman said...

I feel safer knowing you're on the case, Bubs. Still, I gotta say I think that chick's kinda hot! What is wrong with me?

Cormac Brown said...

Hopefully she was considerate enough to pelt him with creme cheese and lox, too.

Lisa said...

Goodness! I just realized that if an old boyfriend had pressed charges, I could have been one of your features. I committed assault with a semi-deadly can of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup.

Yep. Nailed him right in the noggin from across the room. Good aim.

He deserved it.

Freida Bee said...

Now, I'm scared to go into my children's cafeterias (or scarier yet to have luch duty as a teacher). There's no tellin' what sort of demise awaits me if a food fight breaks out.

The Spamarama?

Forget it! (Unless you come down to Austin to attend as well, and keep me safe.)

Spartacus said...

So, could I have been brought up on charges for hitting my kindergarten teacher with a shoe? More importantly, was the bagel stale?

Gifted Typist said...

OK was the guy's name really Buniasky? Because that means it must be a Bun Fight.