Chicago River Gator CAPTURED!

A frightened city breathes a sigh of relief as animal control workers captured a 3 foot long alligator who had been marauding along the Chicago River near Fullerton. Animal Care & Control called in outside contractors--operators from the Chicago Herpetological Society, who launched a daring nighttime raid by canoe.

The alligator is pictured below, as he was taken away for interrogation by a team of skilled alligator whisperers...

CHICAGO ON BRINK OF GATOR PANIC

Early reports indicated a small alligator was spotted in the Chicago River near Damen and Fullerton.

Now a headline reads Pet iguana found in Chicago River, but when you click on that link you get this:

Reptile spotted in Chicago River

August 20, 2009 5:55 PM | 3 Comments | UPDATED STORY

The Chicago Police Marine Unit was called to a report of a three-foot-long reptile along the Chicago River this afternoon, but by the time they responded it was gone, police said.

The animal, which various unconfirmed reports identified as an alligator or iguana, was spotted at about 1:30 p.m. sitting on a rock under a bridge near where Fullerton Avenue crosses the river, police said.

A worker from the Chicago Commission on Animal Care and Control was called to the scene. The reptile has not been found, police said.

Excuse me, "reptile"!?

I smell a cover-up. The authorities think we can't handle the truth. I think it's pretty obvious that more than one crackhead has lost track of his guard alligator, or dumped him into the river just ahead of the police.

The Chicago River is obviously on the brink of being overrun by alligators. Remember, only last year a scrappy little scout gator was pulled out of the Bubbly Creek section of the Chicago River.

We live in dangerous times my friends. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Don't think I've forgotten about the alligators. I haven't

This video leaves many unanswered questions. I'm pretty sure this is Florida.

In any event, it's clear that the subject of this video is unfamiliar with the concept of constant vigilance.

When I say it's a trend, it's a trend baby

In the 2009 threat assessment published on January 14 I identified two emerging crime patterns originating in Florida. The second pattern was the phenomenon of food as weapon.

Now another food-as-weapon incident has been reported, again in sunny Florida.

Meet Cassady C. Catolico:



Ms. Catolico hit a man named Steven Buniasky in the head with a bagel. The report does not describe the bagel, nor does it state whether or not Catolico brought the weapon with her to the crime scene, or if she used the victim's own bagel against him.
It does say that Ms. Catolico was already on probation and was in violation of a temporary injunction filed the week before by her victim. The incident occurred at 2:18 am, proving once more that no matter what problems you're having in your relationship, and no matter how badly you want to work out those problems, trying to do so after 2 in the morning is probably not a good idea.

So, fellow citizens--brace yourselves. So far we've seen assaults with sandwiches, hamburgers, delicious sweet potato pies and now bagels. I shudder to imagine what happens when they get to the canned goods, smoked meats, and large imported cheeses.

There's a reason we eat turkeys on Thanksgiving

And you want to know what that reason is?

It's because turkeys are aggressive, kill crazy birds that are increasingly marauding into suburban backyards across the nation, and they need to be controlled, that's why.

Ben Franklin understood the true nature of the turkey, and wanted the turkey to be used as the symbol of our great nation instead of the bald eagle. He undoubtedly knew the fear that the warlike turkey would strike into the hearts of enemies:

For the Truth the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America . . . He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard...

Yes, it's true that reasonable people have far more to fear from alligators than from turkeys. For now. But that doesn't mean we should, for a moment, let our guard down.

Witness the horror of this unprovoked attack. Anecdotal evidence clearly proves that turkeys are increasingly targeting the youngest and most vulnerable among us:



Witness this unprovoked attack on a woman in North Olmsted, Ohio, as she's driven back into the safety of her home by a rampaging tom:



As I said before, this phenomenon is not limited to one region. Attacks have been documented throughout the midwest as well as in Pennsylvania and Massachusetts. The Boston Globe recently ran a helpful article titled Tips to stop wild turkeys from terrorizing you. As a public service, I'll reprint some of the best advice from the article:

• Don’t let the turkeys intimidate you. Don't hesitate to scare or threaten a bold, aggressive turkey with loud noises, swatting with a broom or water sprayed from a hose. A dog on a leash is also an effective deterrent.
• Cover windows and other reflective objects. If a turkey is pecking at a shiny object such as a vehicle or window, cover or otherwise disguise the object. Harass the bird by chasing it, squirting with a hose or other means of aggression...
• Educate your neighbors. Pass this information along: Your efforts will be futile if neighbors are providing food for turkeys or neglecting to act boldly towards the birds. It requires the efforts of the entire neighborhood...

"Educate your neighbors. Pass this information along..." Sound advice, my friends.

Finally, one last video that offers hope. It is much the same with turkey attacks as it is with flesh eating zombie outbreaks: very often the gun-happy redneck is best equipped to recognize and deal with the threat. This video is a perfect illustration both of the turkey's aggression, and the appropriate human response. Watch as the savage tom turkey pwns a decoy, and is in turn totally pwn'd by a trio of hillbilly ninjas somewhere in Florida:



CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

S.R.C. Survival Tip # 2

For our second essential survival tip, we move from the deadly turquoise waters of the Florida coast, to more frigid northern climes.

Remember Ralphie's icicle warning in "A Christmas Story"?

Well, listen up. That's not just some midwestern mom's scare tactic.

Sprawling Ramshackle Compound Survival Tip # 2:

Your mother was right--look out for falling icicles!

S.R.C. Survival Tip # 1

I'm introducing a handy new feature here at the Compound, a sporadic but ongoing series of useful survival tips for intrepid tourists and concerned Americans.




Sprawling Ramshackle Compound Survival Tip # 1:

Do not swim in chum-infested waters. A shark might eat you.


That's all for today.

Toilet Snake Random Ten

This toilet snake story is courtesy of the inquisitive and persistent MizBubs. Believe me, this narcozoologist is indeed lucky to have such a plucky girl Friday.

I'm not talking about the kind of "toilet snake" that you use to clear a clogged toilet. Nope.

I'm talking about the kind of toilet snake that jumps up out of the bowl, hissing, to bite you on the keyster in the wee hours of the morning. Like the 7 foot python pictured at right.

That's a picture of the python that Brooklyn resident Nadege Brunacci found when she went to use her toilet in the early morning hours.

It took plumbers and the NYFD to cut the snake out of the plumbing once they arrived. Additional investigation revealed that the snake had reportedly been seen slithering around the basement of the apartment building a few days before this event.

So, how does this happen? One theory is that the snake was attracted by the glittering gold coins embedded in Ms. Brunacci's toilet seat:

Another theory is that New Yorkers, terrorized for decades by rumors of huge albino alligators lurking in their sewers, have decided to fight back by deploying pythons into the sewer system. Much in the same way that pythons are now on the rampage against alligators in the Everglades.

As strong as the urge is to fight fire with fire, we must not fight reptile with reptile! In the words of Friedrich Nietzche:

Whoever fights reptiles should see to it that in the process he does not become a reptile. And if you gaze long enough into the dark lizard brain, the dark lizard brain will gaze back into you.

Good words to live by if you ask me.

_____________________

And now on to today's random ten:

Outlaw Blues—Bob Dylan

She Came In Through The Bathroom Window—The Beatles

(actually, the sex of the python is unknown, and it came in through the bathroom plumbing)

Sassafras Roots—Green Day

Who Threw The Whiskey In the Well—Wynonie Harris

Will You Be Loving Another Man—Bill Monroe

Rocking Little Eskimo—Bobby Swanson & His Sonics

Rip It Up—Elvis Presley

Machine Gun—The Riptides

Mambo Jambo—Perez Prado

Good Thing—Fine Young Cannibals

Only 141 shopping days left until Christmas

It's never too early to start looking for that perfect gift for that special someone. In this case, that special someone would be the person in your life who is at risk for, or in fear of, sustaining a wound to his femoral artery.

Ballistic chaps are made for that person.

According to an article in the July/August edition of Tactical Response, the new ballistic chaps "not only provide the necessary added protection, but they give you added confidence as well, allowing more concentration to be given to the tasks at hand."

I couldn't have put it better.

Weekend Alligator Update

A few days ago I got an email titled "Train Like a Gator." I was intrigued. It was from Men's Health magazine, and I thought maybe this would give me the edge I needed to make the transition from world's leading narcozoologist to world's leading alligator fighter.

No such luck. Turns out it was some article on the cardio training done by the Florida Gators college basketball team on their way to the title. Ho hum. I'm not interested in training to run around a hardwood floor bouncing a ball, no sir. If that article had been about how alligators train their young to wage war on humankind, now that would've been something. I could've used information like that. I mean, cardio training is all well and good--I ran 10 miles this morning as the culmination of week 5 of training for the Chicago Marathon--but cardio doesn't kill gators. It's too bad they don't have alligators in Israel, because I bet the Israelis would invent some kind of wicked anti-alligator Krav Maga, and that would be totally f*cking cool.

There are a few new items to report in the ongoing struggle I call World War G.

Normally I don't report on instances of alligators menacing golfers in Florida. That happens all the time. But this story, about a golfer who got pulled in and nearly lost an arm, is notable for one reason: the alligator had only one eye. Think about that. This story illustrates the driven, goal-oriented nature of the alligator--even with a disability, the gator continues his mission, which is, in this case, to kill all the golfers. He didn't even need a reason.


In a more alarming story close to home, some pro-gator apologists put on a show for the kids, letting them get up close and personal with an alligator, an iguana and some other lizards. Why do I call them apologists? Get a load of this statement by Bob Bavirsha of the Chicago Herpetological Society:

"It's important to be nice and friendly to them and they will be nice and friendly to you."

HE'S SAYING THIS ABOUT ALLIGATORS, PEOPLE! Bavirsha went on to show a variety of lizards that he said would make "good pets." Ha. Why not just give the kids a pipe and a bag of rock cocaine while you're at it?

There were two items in the news recently demonstrating the alligator's ongoing effort to interfere with our free flow of commerce:

An alligator in San Antonio, Texas was shot near an apartment complex. My sources say the gator was en route to I-410, a nearby highway.

An alligator in Fort Meade, Florida, attempted to set up a roadblock and trapped a woman in her truck until authorities arrived.

There are unconfirmed reports that an alligator may have made it all the way to the hills of Wayne, West Virginia. There is some confusion, however, because apparently many West Virginians can't tell the difference between an alligator and a beaver.

Alert cops in El Cajon, California, arrested 24 year old Christopher Shawn Hendry, Jr. He had an alligator in his living room, along with a few guns, a silencer and several poisonous snakes. There's no indication whether drugs were involved, but I'll go out on a limb here and say that I'd bet Mr. Hendry is no stranger to the pipe.

Finally, encouraging news:


A plucky stay-at-home mom in Reston, Virginia trapped a young scout gator in her backyard. Well done, ma'am!

Recognizing (hopefully not too late) that they will be swimming in rivers of blood if they don't stop this current wave of alligator attacks, Florida authorities have begun to offer classes in how citizens can prepare and arm themselves to hunt alligators.

_____________________

Remember friends, that may not be a friendly beaver in your local pond--it could be an alligator!

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Vigilant Californians halt gator advance!

Good news to report in the ongoing struggle against alligator attack!

Reconnaissance gator "Reggie", forward element of an invading army of dope-fueled stealth alligators headed for Los Angeles, was caught when he emerged from Lake Machado. Reggie had apparently turned soft from two seasons of easy living in southern California. Whether he was tempted by celebrity or merely the desire to look good, Reggie came out to get some sun and was promptly grabbed by wildlife officials who had gathered nearby to discuss how to capture him.

Reggie is shown here on his way to gator Gitmo. Hopefully the authorities in Los Angeles have access to skilled alligator whisperers to assist in the investigation.