Daniel Cunningham thanks you for your support

Daniel Cunningham is this week's Freak of the Week. The former "Dr." Cunningham won with an impressive plurality; Spuds the Vicar and Peemaster Devaux tied for second place with 4 votes each.

What makes Daniel such a compelling character?

Our eldest said it's partially his resemblance to Heaven's Gate cult leader Marshall Applewhite:

Cunningham

Applewhite


I think he's clearly a charismatic figure. I mean, not anyone could convince people to pay rent to live under a scaffold with a tarp over it, while also persuading them to submit to mystery injections. I took time out from sitting and obsessing about how Cunningham managed to wield a hypo while wearing socks on his hands to look up more about this slumlord and medical trailblazer. A little searching found this link to the Honolulu Star Bulletin guide to 2008 mayoral candidates.

In his profile, Cunningham lists his job as "unlicensed doctor" and states that he had his "license revoked for the medical discovery to extend life indefinitely". How's that for straight talk?

I'm going to go ahead and post the profile questions and his answers. All I can say is, if President-elect Obama's staff has not yet gotten Dr. Cunningham on board, they'd better do so quickly.

The questions are in bold italics, and Cunningham's answers appear in dark red:

What qualifies you to be Honolulu’s mayor?

Good ideas and determination.

My doctor’s license was revoked for an inexpensive “in vivo” stem cell therapy in 1996. I got the Free Energy Party on the ballot in 2002 and I have repeatedly run for mayor and governor since.

I have also been on KITV television over a “house in Kalihi” for the homeless and ‘Olelo Channel 54 to put the U.S. Navy on the grid and a 21st-century “Noah’s Ark” built with steel and reinforced glass and plastic. The result is an accountable government that pays the citizen, cleans the planet of mercury poisoning, and is infinitely energy independent.

If elected, will you proceed with the city’s planned rail transit project?

No, rather, a rail in a floating capacity to industry and real estate at Keehi Lagoon via the confluence of the freeways, airport and city. Such a rail for transitioning large populations of people into a floating existence by building a mega-pool cleaner would have a joint mushroom effect upon the economy given access to nuclear. Electric vehicles that don’t break down would best be privately owned without insurance necessity.

Nuclear affords the capability to boil every drop of water on this planet an unlimited number of times and is 3 million times as efficient as coal.

Under what circumstances would you consider raising city taxes or fees?

Under no circumstance. The power to tax is the power to destroy. Why not a floating government that provides, protects and segregates. A $10/hour job on decommissioned nuclear aircraft carriers converted to steel mill/recycle centers for prisoners is a secure tax base until obsolescence. The best rehab is a good job with a future. So far government is a dismal failure. It does not recycle half what to speak of mercury-laidened light bulbs.

In a floating capacity government efficiency is improved 1,000 percent and truly becomes a tool of the people.

What can the mayor do to address the homeless problem on Oahu?

Provide an effective structure by which function will inevitably occur. Decommissioned Navy ships integrated with a diversified dock system built with recycled materials would serve as the scaffolding for the mega-pool cleaner and interim living facilities for the needy as well as a job market.

Our education is an inheritance. “Inherit the Kingdom at hand having been prepared for you from the beginning of the world.” Matt 25:34. If the Bible is relevant “heaven” somewhere else is a Babylonian myth. Why not create infinite wealth and change through progress? Change is the only universal constant.

What can the city do to help residents cope with rising prices and an ailing economy?

Edmund Rothchild stated that if he controls the currency man can make whatever laws he likes but Rothchild will determine their destiny. There is an alternative to a privately owned fiat money system.

A floating desalinisation plutonium economy provides a limitless source of power for a stable economy. Money is power only to the extent of confidence in the paper itself which has no intrinsic value. Electricity as power has intrinsic value in the performance of work. As the cost of electricity goes down into oblivion so does the necessity for money.

On, Wisconsin!

Meet Ronnie A. Ballard of Madison, Wisconsin.

Evidently cheese isn't really all that binding, because Mr. Ballard was just arrested for repeatedly marking his territory by defecating in a laundry room, in people's laundry, and in footwear left in an apartment hallway.

Mr. Ballard has been charged with disorderly conduct, criminal damage to property and bail jumping. The judge also ordered him, going forward, to only defecate in toilets.

_____________________

I came up with one other candidate for freak of the week, this one from northern Europe.

A Swedish doctor identified only as "Doctor Anal" won an appeal in the Stockholm county court, overturning a warning issued by the Medical Responsibility Board. That warning came after the doctor used his technique to treat an elderly woman's headaches and back pain. The woman, after undergoing three treatment sessions, described it as "an incredibly offensive encroachment." At least after the third time. The first article I found is hilariously titled "Court gives thumbs up to anal massage technique."

The man has also been fired from medical jobs in Denmark and Norway. A Norwegian health board disciplined the man for telling Swedish jokes to a group of mourning Norwegians.

Doctor Anal believes himself to be the victim of a witch hunt. Says the doctor:

"I have a personality disorder, or rather a syndrome, a form of Aspergers. Just like Bill Gates or Einstein, for example...I have made it impossible for myself within the healthcare sector because I behave childishly sometimes. I am different, but cleverer."

True Story

Every year the department sends us all for a physical. It's a nice benefit, really--every year I get a free physical and I get to see how much I've deteriorated in the previous year. Then, when I return to work, I can compare my deterioration, depression, weight gain and lack of conditioning to that of my coworkers who've just returned from their physicals. In management we call this "benchmarking."

Anyway, yesterday I went to get my blood drawn and get my TB test. The actual physical is in a couple of days. I was met by a nice young lab assistant who ushered me into an exam room. We made some pleasant small talk while she got her stuff ready; I found out she's going to the same community college as my daughter, for instance, and that her boyfriend is working toward a graduate degree in human resource management. She had me lie down--a first--because they now have a policy that patients lie down for blood draws so they don't fall out.

While I'm lying there our conversation continues and we get on to the topic of shift work and sleep habits. And she tells me how she didn't get enough sleep last night because of a bad dream she had. And then she tells me about the dream:

In the dream her father, from whom she's estranged, even though she kind of has to stay in touch with him because she misses seeing her little brother, takes her car. That is, she gets home and finds that her new car is gone (she just purchased a new car in real life.) When she goes to look for her car she finds out her father is the one who stole her car, and he's laughing about it. AND HE'S WEARING CLOWN MAKEUP.

And then she said "this vein looks good" and put the needle in.