It's Wednesday!

And you know what that means, don't you?

Weenie Wavers!

First up is this video of an unknown man freaking out on a NYC subway. Because of the profanity, racial slurs and spinning pink propeller it is most definitely not safe for work.



This video proves a couple of my theories:

1) Nudity--especially male nudity--is hilarious, creepy or terrifying far more often than it is sexy, and,

2) Cops would really rather not go hands-on with a naked person. There are quite a few videos of cops dealing with crazy naked people in which the cops don't use nearly as much force as they should. I think it's some combination of the "ick" factor, and a misplaced idea of fair play that tells an officer a naked person is somehow vulnerable, and it wouldn't be sporting to use force on them.

On to the ladies now.

I have not yet come up with a catchy phrase to describe lady flashers, but I am open to suggestions.

Meet Maribel Gomez:

Ms. Gomez was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct after she allegedly exposed her breasts to a 10-year-old boy waiting for a school bus and asked him "are you ready". The victim was not "ready", and Ms. Gomez apparently chased him for a little while before being arrested. She was initially charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition; her attorney successfully argued that breasts are not sexual organs and the charge was amended to disorderly conduct. The judge revoked bond on an earlier cocaine possession case and Ms. Gomez remained in custody.

The Sun-Sentinel has a collection of other Florida cases (yes, there are more than 3) involving school-related indecent exposure.

Kara Mitchell, the woman with the winning smile pictured at left, was arrested after she decided to strip naked and dance around Mesa Cemetery. She then got dressed, sat and talked to herself for a while, and was later found by police sitting in a golf cart. The article assures us that no children were present.

Chicks dig it!

Meet Dewayne Yarbrough of south suburban Ford Heights:

Mr. Yarbrough was arrested yesterday after police executed a search warrant at his home and found a live alligator inside.

Yarbrough told police that he purchased the gator in Indiana five years ago, and kept it because "chicks dig it."

Hey...anybody there?

It's been a while hasn't it?

Five years ago my kids talked me into starting a blog. I started by spilling my guts, and moved on from there. Quite a few things have happened since then.

For starters, we're all five years older.

My hobby blog led to some fun opportunities. I had a pretty good run as a paid blogger and got to hear myself on the radio a few times, that was kinda cool. While I was all full of myself and letting my head swell I kind of neglected things around here.

So now I'm cleaning out the cobwebs, chasing off the snakes and opening the windows to air things out here at the Compound. I don't want to make any money, I don't want any public notice (beyond a few dozen friends and family), and I don't want to write about anything police-related--unless, of course, it involves alligators, weenie-wavers or predatory clowns. And maybe amputees.

I'll start with a couple of items that caught my attention this week.

Meet Mark Thompson of wild, wonderful West Virginia:


I'll just quote the lead from this article in the Charleston Gazette:

Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor's pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal...

Believe me when I tell you that there are more details in the article, and it gets weirder.

Just because I stopped writing about it doesn't mean that the ongoing war between alligators and humankind has stopped, or even slowed--as a matter of fact, I see clear indicators that it might be escalating. Example:

A kill-crazy alligator in Gainesville, Florida, recently attacked a marked police car, clamping down and seizing the bumper of the patrol car in its deadly jaws:



I got this last one courtesy of Lisa Golden, an old blogging chum, via Twitter. The story originates in (of course) Florida, and sports one of the best leads I've seen:

Floridians are going to have to start pulling up their pants and stop having sex with animals soon.

Florida recently passed two pieces of legislation--one aims at ending the state's nightmarish epidemic of human-animal sexual relations, and the other aims at getting young men to pull their damn pants up.

That's all for now. We have a big weekend coming up: the Kentucky Derby on Saturday, and Mother's Day on Sunday. I'm digging through my photo archives for suitable material.

Have a great day, and thanks for stopping by.

PLAY BALL!

I personally wish that Bettie had put some pants on, but I still admire her enthusiasm

And then...

And then, at the end of the performance, the host comes out dressed as Napoleon and addresses everyone in German.

And now, since we're fooling around with mind-bending cross-cultural disco antics, enjoy some Boney M singing "Rasputin". Yes, that's right--a German-produced disco band consisting of 4 Jamaicans singing a song about Rasputin: "rah rah Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine..."



Why? Because it's Monday, so you might as well put on your shiny clothes and platform boots and dance. (Bonus points for fake beards or red, white and blue glitter.)

If Republicans had their way

Judging from the rhetoric I've been hearing as the health care vote approaches, it would look something like this:

• Cant afford health care? Get a job!
  

• Health insurance too expensive? Blame trial lawyers and liberal politicians! (Note: let the market forces of unrestricted competition take care of it! is also an acceptable choice.)

• Food contaminated? Toxins being dumped into your drinking water? Let the market handle it! (Note: Move! and/or Caveat emptor! are also acceptable responses.)
  

A gentle reminder--spring forward!

Courtesy of Lileks Twitter feed

Florida provides more proof that nature hates us

What kind of proof, you ask?

Rabid otter mauls Venice walker, 96

The otter is normally thought of as a reasonably adorable creature. Except in Florida, where they attack the elderly. Yes, a 96-year-old man was brutally savaged by a rabid 3-foot-long otter.

Fortunately for the victim, instead of being discovered by your average sun and crack-addled Floridian, a good Samaritan came to his aid. Here's the money quote from the 911 call:

"There's a man on the ground with an otter on him..He's lost a lot of blood. This otter is nonstop...Please hurry."

They finally beat the otter senseless with a shovel. The victim survived; the otter's condition is unknown.

Florida--if it's not the alligators, it's the g*ddam otters...

Sunday morning

Tonight we're taking my mom to see Kris Kristofferson and Merle Haggard. I've listened to their music for years, since I was a little kid, but I've never seen either one of them live.

Today was the first Sunday of Lent, and it's put me in a pensive mood. I've been thinking about all the ways in which I've been blessed, usually through no effort of my own, but instead by the goodness and grace of people around me. I'm a very grateful man, but I have a lot of work to do. There are times, I think, when we all feel separated from the person we know we should be or the life we want to be living.

For whatever reason, this song always comes up at times like this.

It's head-shavin' time again

Well, let's give this a try. It's time to raise money for the St. Baldrick's Foundation, and I've volunteered to get my head shaved again if folks will pay good money to see it happen.

What is St. Baldrick's Foundation and why should you give them some money?

St. Baldrick's Foundation funds more in childhood cancer research grants than any other organization except the United States government. 74.5% of the money they raise goes to research grants, 21.8% goes to fundraising, and only 3.7% goes to administrative costs. That's pretty good.

The dye is out and my hair has long since returned to it's natural gray, but there's still plenty of it to be chopped off.

After last year's unfortunate realization that I look less like Travis Bickle and more like Bert or one of those pinheads from Freaks when I have a mohawk, I won't let the barber stop this year until I'm bald as a cue ball.

Anyway, if you have even $5 to spare and you'd like to donate to a good cause, please visit my fundraising site here.

Thanks!

Mayor gets freaky at Waffle House & a huffer sues everybody

Happy New Year everyone!

Meet Joel Napier and his female acquaintance Cynthie Casper:

Joel Napier is the mayor (at least for now) of Taylor, Alabama, population 1,898. The couple was arrested for public lewdness after they were caught getting busy in a car parked in front of a local Waffle House. The article mentions that it was also next door to a Days Inn. I guess fooling around in back behind the dumpsters and grease trap, while more discrete, just wasn't romantic enough.

When the officer rolled up and witnessed what the article said was "serious foreplay" Ms. Casper was naked, and Mayor Napier was in his Pooh Bear costume: shirt only, no pants. The report does not indicate whether alcohol was involved.

_____________________

Longtime readers of this blog (and fans of hilarious mugshots) may remember gold-faced Patrick Tribett:

Mr. Tribett recently celebrated 8 weeks of sobriety by retaining a lawyer to file lawsuits against several businesses that used his mugshot for commercial purposes:

Nation's most famous huffer sues everybody

_____________________

That's all for today. See you later, alligators.

December 7: a day that will live in infamy

Today is the 68th anniversary of the Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor.



If only we had responded as well to the sneak attack of September 11th...

Happy Thanksgiving! What's on the menu?

I love being the first one up on a holiday and having a little time to organize and enjoy the quiet.

After last weekend's 2-day long bacchanal (MizBubs' brothers and their families have gathered at our house for an early Thanksgiving each year for the past 6 or 7 years) during which we fed 27 for dinner on Saturday, and then had brunch for 15 on Sunday, today's Thanksgiving celebration will be a breeze.

So what are we serving up here at the compound on this glorious holiday?

• Appetizers: mini-tarts with onion and mushroom, and celery stuffed with blue cheese
• Corn bread
• Chopped salad
  
• Hot Brown sandwiches (the family elected to skip the whole turkey and do this instead, it's a Kentucky recipe and a family favorite)
• Mashed potatoes and gravy, because kids demand it at every holiday. I'm roasting the garlic for the potatoes as I type
• Roasted sweet potato rounds
• Brussels sprouts with caramelized onions and pecans
• Southern style green beans
• Corn pudding
• Dessert: apple pie, pumpkin pie and a monstrous chocolate cake. I mean monstrous in a good way.

I'm trying out a little something new in the bourbon department. They had Red Stag on sale at the Jewel's, and I thought I'd try using the black cherry-infused bourbon to make old-fashioned cocktails before dinner.

I hope that whatever trials you've been through will ease for you, and whatever burdens you carry might be lifted. Please accept our wishes to you all for a very warm and peaceful Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving, baby

Hope you have a swinging Thanksgiving.

You're platinum. Each and every one of you, you get me?

STRAP ON THAT FEEDBAG, CLOWN

How's your Halloween so far?

That reminds me...

It may not be hunting season yet, but it's never to soon to show off your pelt.

Do some good this weekend

It's time for the Chicago Marathon!

I've run in three of them, and it's an amazing experience. Two of my friends are running this year to raise money for charity, and if you have a moment check out their donation sites and throw them a couple dollars. Honestly, donating online is incredibly easy, and how many chances do you get in this life to do a little good while you're still sitting around in your bathrobe eating cheetos?

Many of you already know Amy Guth through Bigmouth Indeed Strikes Again or her literary blog Chicago Subtext at Chicago Now. She does volunteer disaster response work for the Red Cross, and she's running to raise money for them.

Please check out her fundraising page here.

I ran my very first marathon with Patrick Sheehan, and I slowed him down horribly. I owe him. He's a detective in a nearby department. He's a good guy from a good family, and he and his sister are running with Team in Training, to raise money for leukemia and lymphoma research.

Please check out his fundraising page here.

TRUE AMATEUR PORN!

Check this out, true amateur porn!

Here are the girls, "true amateur models" Dallas and Ashlyn, at the start of their photo shoot:



So, how can you tell these girls are "true amateurs", and not just a couple of jaded small-time pro porn starlets? Check out this next photo and see if you can spot what marks this as a "true amateur" shoot:








Yes, you can tell it's "true amateur" porn when there's no wardrobe budget, and the talent shows up wearing menstrual blood-stained jeans:



Truly amateur, and classy!

Big in Japan

Know what's big in Japan?

The raccoon dog:



And Colonel Sanders wearing a kimono, with watermelon:



That's what's big in Japan.

Now go on 'bout ya bidness.