Thursday, February 22, 2007

On, Wisconsin

More news from our cheese-making, brandy-drinking brothers to the north:

Man mistakes porn DVD as woman's cries for help

James Van Iveren, 39, grabbed a sword and allegedly kicked in his upstairs neighbor's door when he mistook the sounds of a porn movie for the sound of a woman being assaulted. James was at home with his mother at the time, and couldn't call police because he has no telephone.

I think he was hoping that 19 years of sword fighting at the Bristol Renaissance Fair would finally pay off and he'd get to rescue a maiden.

15 comments:

jin said...

Heeehehehe!!!!
To be a fly on a wall...

Coaster Punchman said...

Goes to show you - being careful with the volume control is very important.

lulu said...

My dream is to have a Ren Fair dude sweep me up and rescue me.

Johnny Yen said...

Talk about the path to hell being paved with good intentions...

Mob said...

Wow, there's always a "What if someone catches me?" taboo to watching porn, but this really amps up the potential stigma, doesn't it?

I'd never imagine someone beating my door down, armed to the teeth...

Flannery Alden said...

Huzzah!

Echo said...

Toshiro Mifune in Akira Kurosawa's... Jako(ff)man to Tetsu

"In a village subsisting on its herring fishery, a one-eyed criminal named Jakoman terrorizes the inhabitants. One of them, the son of the head of one of the fish companies by the name of Tetsu, decides to overthrow Jakoman and his cohorts."

Heh...

Bubs said...

Echo, heh heh heh...

Flan, hear hear!!

Mob, no kidding. Imagine how bad he'd have felt if that was his mom breaking down the door brandishing a sword.

Johnny, good intentions? More like the road to hell being paved with being a 39 year old living, phoneless, with your mother.

Lulu, I had no idea. Do you have a thing for chainmail, aromatic oils, fried turkey legs, and guys with B.O. who live with their moms? Cuz that's what I think of when I think RenFair.

CP, you've hit on one of life's great questions: do you leave the volume on and risk someone hearing your porn, or put on headphones, killing the sound, and risk someone sneaking up on you as you watch your porn? Shit like that keeps me awake at night.

Jin, no kidding.

lulu said...

According to a friend of mine, the Ren Fair is a hotbed of fucking, at least among the college-aged workers. I actually dated a guy who worked at the Ren Fair when I was in high school. he balanced things on his face......(insert joke here)

Creepy said...

Gonna have to wear headphones while watching porn from now on.

Malnurtured Snay said...

At least his heart was in the right place.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Could have been worse - it could have been the other way around.

kim said...

I spent a good portion of my teen years working the Renaissance Fair in Chaska, Minnesota. A word of warning, don't be dressed as a young wench and get lured into the Puppetmaster's Hut. . .he has plans for you! Luckily, I had my wine goblet and got away.

Rainaissance Fair workers come in two versions. The high school kids working for a few weeks in the summer (me) and the worker who lives for this his whole year and couldn't get into summerstock anywhere and lives for that shit. It was frightening, dirty, and fun. Ask Mr. Yen, Kimmy does NOT like dirt.

Flannery Alden said...

I guess they arrested this guy and charged him with breaking and entry and brandishing a deadly weapon. I'm not sure if he's going to jail, but if he does, let's hope he is released before summer. God forbid there should be a dearth of leather mugs, what with the leather mug market being already so unstable.

Bubs said...

Flan, good point. I'm in a panic now, because leather mugs are one of the few items we don't stockpile around here.

Kim...Kim. "The Puppetmaster's Hut"? That sounds like a creepy direct-to-video slasher movie, doesn't it? You're right on about the two types of RenFair worker, too.

Barbara, the good thing bout this story is that there are LOTS of ways this could've been much worse, and it's fun to imagine them all.

Mal, true. Maybe we should all pitch in and buy him a phone so next time he can just call it in.

Creepy, I've built a safe room for just such activities, a bunker-within-a-bunker, if you will. Years from now archeologists will have a field day with this.

Lulu, remind me to ask about the face-balancing boyfriend.