More news from our cheese-making, brandy-drinking brothers to the north:
Man mistakes porn DVD as woman's cries for help
James Van Iveren, 39, grabbed a sword and allegedly kicked in his upstairs neighbor's door when he mistook the sounds of a porn movie for the sound of a woman being assaulted. James was at home with his mother at the time, and couldn't call police because he has no telephone.
I think he was hoping that 19 years of sword fighting at the Bristol Renaissance Fair would finally pay off and he'd get to rescue a maiden.