TRUE AMATEUR PORN!

Check this out, true amateur porn!

Here are the girls, "true amateur models" Dallas and Ashlyn, at the start of their photo shoot:



So, how can you tell these girls are "true amateurs", and not just a couple of jaded small-time pro porn starlets? Check out this next photo and see if you can spot what marks this as a "true amateur" shoot:








Yes, you can tell it's "true amateur" porn when there's no wardrobe budget, and the talent shows up wearing menstrual blood-stained jeans:



Truly amateur, and classy!

On, Wisconsin!

Meet 23-year-old Rachel Ferrara. Rachel does not like her boyfriend watching porn. I mean, she really does not like her boyfriend watching porn. Or maybe it was the watching porn and masturbating part that got her. Maybe if he'd just been doing one or the other, things would have worked out ok. We'll probably never know.

In any event, Rachel came home and found her boyfriend getting busy with himself. She punched him in the gut, kicked him in the groin, and then backed him into the kitchen, where she proceeded to grab a 5" serrated knife. She then carved him a bit about the arms, and stabbed him in the abdomen. He drove himself to the hospital.

What makes this strange for a Wisconsin case is that she used a serrated kitchen knife, and not a replica Ren-Faire dagger of some type. Maybe she's not originally from Wisconsin.

Freak of the week: midweek sex & death edition

That got your attention, didn't it?

Sex:

An unnamed Japanese civil servant was suspended for three months after he was caught surfing porn in his office. More than 177,000 times in July alone. The office computer filters successfully blocked more than 30,000 attempts to access porn sites. As happens with many sexual escapades, he was discovered because of an infection--his computer was repeatedly hit with viruses. He apologized but never did explain his behavior.

Death:

On, Wisconsin!

A 15 year old girl, a 12 year old boy and their mother in Necedah, lived for two months with the decaying body of their deceased 90 year old grandmother sitting on the toilet of the home's only bathroom. Why? Because the family's self-described "bishop" told them the corpse was about to come back to life.



Police went to the house on a well-being check and spoke with the daughter, Tammy Lewis, aka Sister Mary Bernadett, who told them granny wasn't home. Tammy is pictured above. She initially refused to let the deputy in; the alert cop noticed a little something extra in the smell department, in addition to the incense and woodsmoke. Once inside she ultimately found "something piled on what appeared to be a toilet". That "something" was the remains of Magdalena Alvina Middlesworth.

The freakshow got better when Bishop Alan Bushey (pronounced Boo-Shay) arrived. The bishop informed police that he had "received signs that God would raise her from the dead with a miracle."

The 12 year old boy told police "he had considered running away because he was uncomfortable with the situation. He said Bushey told him that demons were trying to make it look as if Middlesworth wouldn't come back to life, and that if she were to be discovered he and the girl would have to go to public school and get jobs because Middlesworth paid the bills."

Surprisingly, since this was Wisconsin, there was no necrophilia or cannibalism involved. Tammy and Alan were charged with felony counts of causing mental harm to a child.

Sex:

This is possibly the best headline, ever:

Penis Pump Judge Gains Release

Former Okie judge Donald Thompson, featured here in October 2007, was released from prison recently. The article doesn't say if it was a full release and there's no way of knowing yet if this story will have a happy ending.

Death:

Kevin Jones and Matthew Gonzalez were each arrested and charged with desecrating a corpse, after they dug up the body of an 11 year old buried in 1921 and removed the skull. Why did they do this?

"They cut the jaw off of it and wrapped it in electrical tape and used it to make a bong," Houston Police Department Officer Jim Adkins said.

Check out the lively, engaged eyes on this duo:



The skull has not been recovered, and police are seeking its return.

Sex:

Some people, you just want to ask them, what the hell were you thinking? Because, really, I'd like to know. I'd like to ask that question of Mr. Thomas G. Findler, of Hamilton, New Jersey.

Mr. Findler was caught by a church custodian at 8:30 in the morning, in a nun's office, viewing pornography on the nun's computer. Investigation revealed that Findler had been creeping around the church for approximately a month, and using the computer to visit "teen and fetish" sites. Findler, 42, is single, is employed as a civilian by the NJ State Police, and lives with his father. He was charged with theft, theft of services and burglary. I could not find a mug shot.

Bonus round:

When Lisa Bess of Ocala, Florida, returned home, she couldn't figure out why her bathroom door was locked and water was running inside. She called the police, and when they got there and kicked in the bathroom door they discovered Tom Wilkerson.



Naked, sitting on the toilet, demanding to be allowed to "finish his business" after having let himself into the house earlier that day. Wilkerson tried to convince police that he was a friend of the family.

Two lessons here:

1) Don't leave a key to your house outside, no matter how well-concealed you think it is, and
2) Make friends with your neighbors, so when they see a burglar standing on your porch smoking, and coming and going from your house during the day, they don't assume it's your friend.

_____________________

Now it's time for a poll. Vote for this week's Freak of the Week by clicking here:

Just how angry IS that leopard?

Lately I've been getting hits from all over the world from people looking for pictures of an angry leopard attacking a man in India. Back in January I posted a link to a story about a leopard that attacked a man in a housing complex in India, and was subsequently beaten to death by a stick-wielding mob. No one paid much attention at the time. But now? The attention whore in me is doing a drunken jig from all the extra visits.


Now I know how Anandamide felt when he received the random attentions of thousands of ZZ Top fans. And this got me thinking again--how do people find this little spot on the interwebs? And how do I keep up the wonderfully ego-stroking 100 + hits per day?

Someone in Janesville, Wisconsin wanted to compare/contrast Eve White Eve Black 3 faces of Eve.

Naughty Googlers in Hertford, UK, and in Lithuania, wanted naked Bubs.

A Chippewa Falls cheesehead wonders what life in other mid-sized Wisconsin towns is like, and is looking for Eau Claire nude.

Another naughty Googler, this time a cheesehead from Marion, Wisconsin, wanted to find some Wisconsin porn. (Does Wisconsin porn involve more cheese curds and brandy than mainstream porn?)

Testicles. Penis. Stripper. That's what some freak in Bothell, Washington wants.

A thrifty Chicagoan wanted to find LaSalle Bank incentives.

A narcozoology buff in San Antonio, Texas wanted to learn more about bad cop and alligator freak Warren Nyerges.

Some Yankee up in Portland Maine inquired about Lettuce Dogs.

Tina Louise Iggy Pop--evidently someone in Oak Park, Illinois wanted to see both of them together. I can only imagine.

A marathon buff in Toronto wanted to read about the Chicago Marathon aftermath.

Aftermath? Let's try Chicago Marathon Embarrassment instead.


I think I'll ask Grant Miller for pointers on how to jazz up my blog to attract more interesting search hits.

Monday: Time to face that porn addiction

Monday, the start of a new week. Back to the grind of work and school, hopefully after a good weekend spent with family. If you're lucky the religious services you attended were particularly comforting or inspiring, and you want to carry that Sunday morning feeling into your regular life.

So, really, there's no better time to face that porn addiction. And according to this story, there's a religious institution in "rural central Kentucky" to help you with that. No TV. No computers. Just plenty of prayer and support to help "porn addicts spend six months on a desperate path to salvation."

While many of you know me as the nation's leading expert on narcozoology, I also have more than a passing interest in the religion/porn nexus. I guess I'm a little suspect of Kristians (using the term coined by Coaster Punchman) who, driven by their faith, appear more interested in regulating sexual behavior than in, say, feeding the hungry, or clothing the poor, or just plain old preaching the Gospel--the things that are commonly known as Works of Mercy.

The organization referenced in the article is known as Pure Life Ministries. Go and take a look around; you'll find articles like The Insanity of Sexual Sin and ads for books like Intoxicated With Babylon (Rip the mask off the harlot's face!!!)

What I'm really interested in, though, is the Live-In Program:

"Each man is assigned a personal counselor who has overcome habitual sexual sin himself and is trained in biblical counseling. The weekly curriculum is a combination of PLM materials and biblical homework/study."

Perfect. You stumble into this institution desperate to overcome your sins, and you get assigned to a recovered chronic masturbator, who's now a "counselor," wielding a Bible. I imagine a scene similar to the one in the new Casino Royale where James Bond is tied, naked, to a bottomless chair and then whipped in the johnson with a wet rope. Only in this version the guy doing the whipping has a Kentucky accent and is yelling "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU" at the hapless jerkoff artist strapped in the chair.

What do you think the scene is like when you put a bunch of "sex addicts" together and throw in a load of Bible reading and laying-on of hands? How many people in that environment are pretty much getting off on discussing their sex lives with others?

The mind reels.

On, Wisconsin

More news from our cheese-making, brandy-drinking brothers to the north:

Man mistakes porn DVD as woman's cries for help

James Van Iveren, 39, grabbed a sword and allegedly kicked in his upstairs neighbor's door when he mistook the sounds of a porn movie for the sound of a woman being assaulted. James was at home with his mother at the time, and couldn't call police because he has no telephone.

I think he was hoping that 19 years of sword fighting at the Bristol Renaissance Fair would finally pay off and he'd get to rescue a maiden.