Friday, September 07, 2007

The I think I might be back Friday Random Ten

Words fail me.

I've always been confident in my ability to express myself, and I've always been a talker. I have a report card from when I was in first or second grade, and the teacher actually wrote something like "needs to shut up" in the comments. While my youngest has described me as "blabberous", I'm not just a talker--I've always been an avid reader, and I'd like to think I'm a decent listener. Me and words, written or spoken, we've always gotten along great.

Until this week.

I find it difficult to read, difficult to talk.

There have been more times than I can count in the last week when I've gone to say something and either forgotten what I was going to say, just staring, or even worse, started to speak and instead of words just...sounds...came out. When I did talk, every conversation ran the risk of devolving into ranting or sobbing. I haven't picked up a book or magazine since August 29, and I haven't been reading the news or blogs like I used to. I don't know why, but I just can't.

I did manage to read all the comments you folks left on my last post, and I read them a bunch of times, too, usually late at night or early in the morning. And I read the emails you sent. My brother and his beautiful wife came through with free tickets to the Renaissance Faire and gave me a perfect day with my niece and nephew walking around that glorious freakshow on Labor Day. That's the only day in the last week I really remember clearly. What I wish right now is that I could see each and every one of you, in person, so I could grab you by the hand and look right into your eyes and say "thank you." Thank you.

After the events of the past week, it just doesn't seem right to go back to posting the same bullshit I usually do. Sometime, soon I think, as I get back to my routine, I'll start visiting blogs again. I've tried, but what happens is that I see something that entertains, amuses or moves me, and I want to comment, but I can't. And then I feel dull, and guilty for not commenting.

Fortunately the Interwebs provide opportunities to engage in ritual behavior like the posting of random song selections from your MP3 player. Like memes or quizzes, it gives the opportunity to do something without really doing much. Like going into the office, being there physically for 8 hours, and essentially just moving some papers from one end of the desk to the other.

So here it is, today's random ten:

When You Get Drafted—Dead Kennedys

Nothing like starting with angry thrash.

Trouble's Braids—Tom Waits

Of course there's Tom Waits. A few days ago I went to an all Tom Waits, all the time, format in my car driving around. I just came out of it yesterday. This one is a great poem from Swordfishtrombones.

A Pistol For Paddy Garcia—The Pogues

A spaghetti western instrumental that I got as a bonus track on a reissue of Rum, Sodomy and the Lash.

Ball and Chain—Social Distortion

Boy, is this one perfect. At least I didn't end up locked up or alone in a cheap motel room this week. I have some hard thoughts about my choice of career these past 19 years, but that will pass. This is a great sing-along when you're down: "You can run all your life, but not go anywhere..."

All Mama's Children—Carl Perkins

The good thing about being from Irish and hillbilly stock is that you're allowed to transition, seamlessly and enthusiastically, from maudlin to raucous. Carl Perkins is here to help you do that. Now rock!

I'm Still Here—Tom Waits

Yes indeed.

Red Tan—The Raveonettes

A few years ago I heard about the Raveonettes and bought a CD for my eldest, and now she's got everything they've done. I love it when my kid's music shows up and surprises me. At their best the Raveonettes remind me of Jesus and Mary Chain or the Velvet Underground, but poppier. How often do you hear brooding guitars and dreamy vocals combined with sleigh bells?

I Need Your Lovin' Kiss—Harold Jenkins

Harold Jenkins was an artist on Sun Records and he does some classic stuttering, hiccuping rockabilly here.

I Can't Find My Mind—The Cramps

Holy shit. Lux Interior got inside my head.

Wait—Lou Reed

A ridiculously upbeat, nearly twee song at the end of the brilliantly grim Street Hassle. Not a bad finish to this random ten.

Thanks for stopping by. I'll see you around, I promise.


Splotchy said...

People read your blog because it represents you as a person -- you're the sum of its parts -- it's not just a collection of features and observations.

If you're going through something, people are concerned and will gladly listen. You've got a lot of people in your corner, and that counts for something.

I wish there was no pain in the world, or at least the pain that was there made sense.

I'm mentally sending you waves of solace and happiness.

kim said...


Your comments wouldn't be any duller than normal!!

Tee hee. Go give your wife a big kiss, that'll make someone feel better.

Flannery Alden said...

We'll leave the light on for you, Bubs. Take your time.

justacoolcat said...

Hard times. I think we all understand. I have to say I'm glad to see you post some tunes. Music has always been there for me when things are tough.

Johnny Yen said...

Glad you're back. I personally found blogging very therapeutic in dealing with losing my friend.

I enjoy the comments-- like the songs, they give a little insight into you.

That Social Distortion song is a favorite.

I've been hearing the Raevonettes a lot on Little Steven's Underground Garage.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Splotchy has summed up my sentiments perfectly, Bubs. We care about you and we want to sit around the kitchen table with you and hold your hand.

Onto your list - random playlists are a wonderful way of getting the creative juices flowing again, even if all you do is let the sound wash over you.

And now I have to check out my copy of Rum, Sodomy and the Lash to see if I have that bonus track. I don't think I do, you lucky bugger.

Coaster Punchman said...

Be good to yourself, Bubs. You deserve it. You'll feel more like yourself eventually, I promise.


BeckEye said...

Give yourself time. And listen to LOTS of music. It always helps heal me quicker, from whatever's ailing me.

I haven't heard Ball and Chain in FOREVER! Thanks for the reminder.

Erik Donald France said...

I'm sorry about your loss. That is tough.

Doc said...

I wish there was something I could do. Is there a widow/orphan fund we could donate to?

I'm sorry about your loss, and the loss to his family. These things take time. My dad died five years ago and I still can't think of it without a choking up.

God bless you and yours. I' ll say a prayer.


Beth said...

You write beautifully and eloquently. I hope that helps.

I love your Random Ten because you always have interesting things to write about the (damn fan-effin'-tastic) music you listen to.

When I went through losing my dad two summers ago, two things helped: friends and music. I hope they help you, too.

Dale said...

Your blog is a highlight in many people's travels Bubs and we're all thinking of you whether you're presently blabberous, blubberous or bourbouness. Take as much time as you must.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your loss. Looking forward to your return.

Mike said...


We would like to do an interview with you about your blog for . We'd like to give you the opportunity to
give us some insight on the "person behind the blog."

It would just take a few minutes of your time. The interview form can
be submitted online at

Best regards,

Mike Thomas

Splotchy said...

Wow, if that last comment by mike didn't cheer you up, bubs, I don't know what will.

He truly wants to know the "person behind the blog".

And I just surrendered my chastity to his cheery interview banter over on my own blog.

Agh, I feel so dirty, yet strangely energized. Vote for my blog interview! I might win 25 bucks!

lulu said...

You are loved and missed Bubs.

I think that everyone here understands that we all process things in different ways, and no one is going to judge you by what you do or don't post. take care of yourself.


Dino aka Katy said...

well you seem to be doing better - I am glad. I am sure Ren fair was a great distraction. I used to be up there every weekend when I lived in Crystal Lake - loved it.

hang in there it gets better I promise.

Grant Miller said...

Lux Interior is a genius.

Nothing cheers people up like a RenFaire freak show.

jewgirl said...

You just keep taking care of you, sweets. For someone who is at a loss for words, you are one very eloquent soul.

So, so very, very sorry, doll.

jin said...

Always thinking of you bubs!
In fact...
*DING! You've Got Mail!*
Oh, sorry... I should specify: it's not the cyber kind, so keep an eye out.

Frank Sirmarco said...

First off, me and Mr. Waits have been able to work out some pretty terrible things together.

Second (and not that this helps), but I had a co-worker kill himself last year, and the prevailing feeling at our office was a general numbness. Words don't come easily. People get angry because they don't understand why the person did what they did, and then they feel guilty because they thought they could have prevented it.

People will often say that it's the most cowardly act a person can do, but I disagree. You can't possibly know what goes on in the head of a person that is REALLY prepared to kill their self, and it has to be pretty bad for them to come to the decision that death is better than life. So please - don't fall in to the trap of trashing their life because they chose to end it.

It sucks and I'm sorry. Listen to music, read blogs, do all the things you always do, because your life goes on and that's a good thing!