Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy V-Day, tiger.

Lately all kinds of strange yet alluring chicks have been stopping by the Compound for no apparent reason. I can't explain it, but I'm not arguing with it either.

Anyway, it's Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day, all you wonderful readers!

The lovely and hilarious Katie Schwartz helped put me in a romantic mood by sending me this picture

along with a link to this article: Gary Coleman weds quietly in Nevada.

Yes, it was a
small ceremony, held back in August, but revealed to the world just in time for the holiday of love! Evidently Gary decided to take a page out of the Dennis Kucinich playbook and hitch himself to a hot redhead twice his height. The bride, Shannon Price, is described in this article as "a great e-Bayer...a fabulous e-Bayer."

Best wishes you crazy kids!

I've changed the tunes for the holiday, giving the blog a classy all-Cramps romantic soundtrack for the weekend:

The Most Exalted Potentate of Love
Let's Get Fucked Up
What's Inside a Girl

Cornfed Dames

(Hot Pool Of) Womanneed

If anyone in 1956 had known this was how rockabilly would turn out, they would've strung up Elvis on the spot.

Next up is a handy travel guide from Radar Online: The Geography of Desire. (Warning, some links on that page NSFW.) It's a love-map of the greatest nation in the world, the US of A, providing interesting tidbits like these:
  • Madera (CA) hosts the highest percentage of men under 25 seeking women over 50. They say you can smell the Chanel No 5 for miles.
  • Albany (NY) has the highest percentage of Muslim singles seeking Jews in the country.
  • Oregon rents the highest percentage of Hentai, or pornographic cartoons, of any state in the union.
  • South Carolina has the highest percentage of female porn enthusiasts in the country.
  • The gentlemen of Danville (IL) top the list of those open to women who use smokeless tobacco—pucker up.
  • Fast-clicking Coloradoans rent more porn online per capita than any other state.
Moving right along, here's a spot where you can buy "purposeful products to help you encourage God's people." Many of the Valentine messages from God are sold out, but you can still get a magnet set:

For those of you thinking slightly less long-term than an eternity in heaven, there are these heart-shaped sweetheart grave markers.

Now, on to the freaks.

Former freak of the week Carlton Davis, the Minnesota Toe-Licker, was back in the news recently. Mr. Davis was sentenced to probation for an incident in which he robbed a woman on a Minneapolis street, ordered her to remove her shoes, and then licked her toes.

There's nothing like a couple of drunk, sexed-up hillbillies out for a joyride. Police in Nitro, West Virginia investigated a one-car crash and found a shirtless man running from the scene with his pants unzipped. A woman left behind at the crash claimed to be the driver, but once she found out the penalties for DUI identified the man as the driver. The cause of the crash? Wait for it...

Road head.

Drunken road head, specifically--Matthew Justin Clark, receiver of the road head, had a blood alcohol content of .211 and was driving on a revoked license. Katie Ann Stewart, provider of the road head, had a blood alcohol content of .12. Their parents must be very proud.

In more traffic-related news, police in Cumberland County, Maine, are looking for this man:

The Sheriff's Department has received six reports that this man, dressed in "women’s underwear, a garter belt and black high-heel boots", has pulled in front of women drivers, jumped out of his vehicle and modeled his attire in the roadway.

Not all naked people are lovers. Many are fighters. Like 28-year old Peter Lu of Peekskill, New York. Lu, described in this article as a "naked martial arts expert", fought four police officers on the appropriately-named Hardscrabble Road before being Tasered twice and taken down.

Finally, in news closer to home, 27-year old Izaac T. Channen got arrested by the Des Plaines Police Department. All because he wanted to go to church wearing a bra filled with water balloons, argued with his friend who refused to take Izaac to church dressed like that, took the friend's car keys and refused to return them, and then fought with the police who arrived to investigate.

I like to sign off on a pleasant note, so here it is, a nice Valentine card for all of you:


Beth said...

This is an informative post worth PDF'ing, Bubs! Hope you and the lovely missus have the most romantic of evenings.

Anonymous said...

If Elvis had married Poison Ivy instead of Priscilla, he'd still be alive.

Anonymous said...

The dude from Maine actually looks like a chick with a mustache.

We lived in Des Plaines for 13 years. Now I'm wondering which church would have been visited by a dude with water balloons in has bra!

Coaster Punchman said...

You keep us informed of all the important news, Bubs! Love it! My favorite is the cross-dressing forced road-show man. Brilliant. Reminds me of that West Hollywood gang that used to hold down old women and do their hair.

Dale said...

Hope today doesn't give you the cramps. The Cramps however are fine. Happy fake Holiday!

Amy Guth said...

Holy buckets, I am still laughing about Gary Coleman and his eBayin' bride.

Tenacious S said...

Have you seen the guys in South Carolina? They either look like some inbred hot mess or they look like male porn stars. Think overstyled hair and a big cheesy grin...kind of like Bill Clinton. "We begin by coveting what we see every day."

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I love these info packed posts. They rock!

GETkristiLOVE said...

Married?! What you talkin' 'bout Willis?

Bubs said...

GKL, uh-huh.

Dr MVM, thanks. I aim to educate, not merely incarcerate.

Ten S, hah! Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about!

Hiya Amy, thanks for stopping by. Get a load of this--they've already had their first domestic dispute, that ended with Gary busting up their computer printer. Love hurts.

Dale, happy fake holiday back atcha! The fake ones are the best, because there's no heavy emotional baggage.

CP, glad you liked it! That was my favorite, too.

dcup, that's what MizBubs said about that composite too. And, for what it's worth, Des Plaines gets the best freaky sex cases of any PD in the northwest suburbs from what I've seen.

Kirby, no doubt about it.

Beth, thank you!

jewgirl said...

I am laughing so fucking hard right now, I'm on the floor cackling. I snort, so there's that, too.

small ceremony and out of the Kucinich playbook, fucking hell, child, I am screaming.

I don't even know where to begin because I'm THAT excited about everything you posted.

Flawless, absolutely flawless, sweeteart grave markers, VJ mags and those criminals... Oh, Bubs, those criminals. The cumberland queen made me scream, stopping traffic to model. Ah, too much.

I bow to you, child.

Hot Lemon said...

egad! I like the phalic wooden head next to the chic in yellah.

FranIAm said...

Um- I live here in the farthest reaches of Smalbany...

Albany (NY) has the highest percentage of Muslim singles seeking Jews in the country.

WTF? Who knew??