Thursday, November 30, 2006

Naked + Crack = Alligator Attack

I live for this stuff.

Seriously, finding out about this today was like an early Christmas present.

I lowered the official Sprawling Ramshackle Compound Alligator Attack Threat Level in June, earlier this summer.

I did this after our trip to Florida revealed that, at least in my case personally, viscious birds are a greater threat than alligators. This recent incident will not result in a revising of our alligator attack threat assessment due to its unique elements: nudity and crack cocaine use.

At approximately 4 am, Polk County deputies found Adrian J. Apgar (known from this point forward as "Lefty") naked in the jaws of an alligator. Mr. Apgar told the deputies he had been smoking crack prior to the attack; I have not been able to find any explanation of why Lefty was naked or in the water with the alligator.

Clearly, this nation's heightened level of alligator attack vigilance (for which I take a large share of the credit) has resulted in a change of tactics for our reptilian enemy. Even the alligator's prehistoric walnut brain knows that an intoxicated, dope-addled target is an easy target. I'd like to know what kind of lizard sold that rock to Mr. Apgar.


Anonymous said...

I actually read this story earlier and was laughing out loud at his stupidity. I am sorry he got hurt but come on.

Dena said...

Seeing as this was Florida, I think the alligator was just mad because he wouldn't share.

Bubs said...

Alligators love crack.

See, this is why everyone should carry a gun.

Coaster Punchman said...

Are you quite certain you don't want to increase the level of alligator attack vigilance at the compound? These are dangerous times.

Bubs said...

As of 8:30 AM CST, the only threat to the compound would be the rare albino snow gator.

Anonymous said...

Crack. Naked in alligator-infested waters. What about this seemed like a good idea to even the most dope-addled redneck?

Bubs said...

It's like I always say--if people only did things that made sense, I'd be out of a job.