Hey...anybody there?

It's been a while hasn't it?

Five years ago my kids talked me into starting a blog. I started by spilling my guts, and moved on from there. Quite a few things have happened since then.

For starters, we're all five years older.

My hobby blog led to some fun opportunities. I had a pretty good run as a paid blogger and got to hear myself on the radio a few times, that was kinda cool. While I was all full of myself and letting my head swell I kind of neglected things around here.

So now I'm cleaning out the cobwebs, chasing off the snakes and opening the windows to air things out here at the Compound. I don't want to make any money, I don't want any public notice (beyond a few dozen friends and family), and I don't want to write about anything police-related--unless, of course, it involves alligators, weenie-wavers or predatory clowns. And maybe amputees.

I'll start with a couple of items that caught my attention this week.

Meet Mark Thompson of wild, wonderful West Virginia:


I'll just quote the lead from this article in the Charleston Gazette:

Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor's pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal...

Believe me when I tell you that there are more details in the article, and it gets weirder.

Just because I stopped writing about it doesn't mean that the ongoing war between alligators and humankind has stopped, or even slowed--as a matter of fact, I see clear indicators that it might be escalating. Example:

A kill-crazy alligator in Gainesville, Florida, recently attacked a marked police car, clamping down and seizing the bumper of the patrol car in its deadly jaws:



I got this last one courtesy of Lisa Golden, an old blogging chum, via Twitter. The story originates in (of course) Florida, and sports one of the best leads I've seen:

Floridians are going to have to start pulling up their pants and stop having sex with animals soon.

Florida recently passed two pieces of legislation--one aims at ending the state's nightmarish epidemic of human-animal sexual relations, and the other aims at getting young men to pull their damn pants up.

That's all for now. We have a big weekend coming up: the Kentucky Derby on Saturday, and Mother's Day on Sunday. I'm digging through my photo archives for suitable material.

Have a great day, and thanks for stopping by.

Don't think I've forgotten about the alligators. I haven't

This video leaves many unanswered questions. I'm pretty sure this is Florida.

In any event, it's clear that the subject of this video is unfamiliar with the concept of constant vigilance.

Alligator alert heightened during mating season

The alligator is wily, kill-crazy and resilient. Even without the assistance of human dope fiends the alligator has shown an uncanny ability to expand his territory.

Every year at this time there is a spike in alligator-related news stories, probably corresponding with alligator mating season. Alligators begin courting in April, and most mating occurs early in May. A fierce and warlike species, alligators are polygynous, with one male alligator servicing up to 10 females in his territory. The males provide no care for the young, and females little more than that.

After the first year the young are abandoned by their mothers, who move on to attend to their new hatchlings. Eighty percent of young alligators die in the first year, often in the jaws of other, larger alligators. By the time they are a few years old they are battle-hardened and bloodthirsty, and ready to assume their role as "exotic pets" or, as I refer to them, "scout gators", probing human communities for signs of weakness.

What, then, are the alligators up to lately?

_____________________

Dogs are widely known as "man's best friend". Many people keep dogs as pets, companions and protectors. So, logically, what would be one of the first targets of an alligator attack? The family dog. Just like a special forces operator taking out an enemy sentry, the alligator frequently targets dogs. Especially small barky dogs, like terriers. In Tampa, the first casualty was Freddie, a 5 year old terrier, pulled to his death during a walk in the park.

A crew working in Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo south pond discovered a small alligator in the shallow water. The link to the original story is no longer available on the Sun-Times website. Once again the MSM covers up the truth. There was some confusion because other articles mentioned a nearly-frozen scout gator discovered in the same location three years earlier.

From time to time alligators will attempt to interfere with human commerce, disrupting transportation and shopping. A recent example of this occurred in Fort Lauderdale, where a 9.5 foot alligator stopped traffic on a major highway before being put down.

In addition to preying on crackheads and small dogs, gators will occasionally target the elderly. A 69-year old Oldsmar, Florida woman narrowly escaped death when an alligator broke through her back door and rampaged into her kitchen.

Like the modern terrorist, the alligator also looks for soft targets. The alligator adapts, and seeing the wave of fear that any school-related incident causes in our society, a 10 foot alligator decided to target children at a school in Windermere, Florida. Police were called in to escort children safely to and from the building. The alligator was apparently working with a spotter, a smaller female alligator who concealed herself in a nearby pond until she was captured and destroyed. As of this writing the larger gator has not been captured. He has been described as "as big as a dinosaur."

_____________________

So now you know. The next logical question is, what is the human response to this onslaught?

I wish I could describe our response as strong, resolute and unified...but I can't. While I detailed the problems of drug-related alligator incidents in an earlier post, of equal concern is the human tendency to simply not take alligators seriously as a grave threat to our existence.

This is an American blog, and I'm a proud American, so normally I don't report on foreign alligator news. But this story was disturbing enough to make an exception:

An unknown thief walked out of a Norwegian aquarium with a small crocodile concealed in a bag. What is his plan? Sure, this might have just been a simple theft committed by someone with a desire to own or sell an exotic pet. But it might have been much more. Maybe the first part of a plan to breed cold-resistant crocodiles, for instance. I shudder.

Three assholes broke into an alligator farm in St Augustine, Florida, and stole video equipment after vandalizing the property. Even worse, they tormented several of the imprisoned alligators by throwing water bottles at them. Relations between human and alligator are bad enough without idiots like this aggravating the situation.

In another example of failure to properly educate our young people, 5 Sigma Alpha Epsilon pledges from Embry Riddle University were arrested after trying to steal a live alligator from a miniature golf course. This begs the question...why are there alligators being kept at a miniature golf course? This is yet another example of the way pro-gator apologists and their dupes minimize the alligator threat, denying the true nature of the alligator menace.

_____________________

Sometimes, though, the news is encouraging.

Alert police in Pullman, Washington, broke up an alligator infiltration conspiracy and arrested a man attempting to sell a baby alligator for $350.00. The hatchling was taken into "protective custody."

A plucky angler in Brookline, New Hampshire, nearly captured a 5' scout gator while fishing in a local pond. Conservation authorities have encountered alligators in the Nashua and Connecticut rivers in the last two years. The article I linked to details several other alligator incidents in the same area over the past few years.

As if more proof were needed that snorkeling or scuba diving in alligator-infested waters was a bad idea, we have this story from Tampa, Florida. 62-year old Dwight Monreal was diving for golf balls, in full scuba gear, when he was attacked by an 11' gator. Monreal reacted by jabbing his thumb into the eye of the alligator, but it continued to chew on him.



Fortunately for Mr. Monreal, prepared American Matt Johnson was playing golf nearby. Mr. Johnson attacked the alligator with a rake and a four-iron, freed Monreal and then drove him to the clubhouse in his golf cart. Monreal was treated for a crushed and dislocated shoulder, broken arm, and bite marks. Next time Mr. Monreal, who has been diving for golf balls for 14 years, will probably stay away from the 13th hole water hazard, at least during mating season.

Florida alligator takes a bite out of crime

UPDATE: Monday, November 19 at 6:45 AM

Poncho's dinner was officially identified as 36-year old Justo Padron. At the time of his unfortunate introduction to Poncho, Mr. Padron was wanted by police for violating his parole on a cocaine possession charge. Once again we see the cocaine/gator nexus at work. Say no to drugs and reduce your chances of suffering an alligator-involved demise.

______________________

Thank you, Florida.

Even at the end of an 80-hour week, with the turducken in the oven and 20 people coming for dinner in 5 hours, some stories are so important that you have to take a moment to inform the public.

Stories like this one:

Man killed by gator while fleeing police

This incident is an example of what some of us in law enforcement refer to as a twofer. Like a murder case where one criminal kills another--one bad guy removed from the street by killing, one by going to the penitentiary. In this case, one bad guy who clearly should not have been contributing to the gene pool based on his apparent inability to read numerous BEWARE OF ALLIGATOR signs before diving into a gator-infested retention pond, is dead. The man-eating gator was then also destroyed. Humankind gets a twofer.

The alligator, also known to local authorities for his aggressive behavior, was named "Poncho".

Don't snorkel in the gator hole

As if any reader of this blog needs to hear that message repeated...

Unfortunately, a 59 year old man swimming in Lake Moultrie, South Carolina was not so lucky. That's his arm that you see in the alligator's mouth. Intrepid DNR officers shot and killed the marauding gator, cut him open and retrieved the arm from his belly. Some nurses picnicking nearby gave up a cooler and some ice to preserve the limb, but ultimately doctors could not reattach the arm. You can see the entire series of photos here.

The attack has heightened fears about alligators in human recreation areas. The alligator involved in this attack was 35-40 years old, and accustomed to humans. My sources tell me that young scout gators frequently train in this area before being shipped off to crack houses on the east and west coasts.

On a positive note, the trapper who killed the alligator has offered to mount the head and offer it as a trophy to the victim. Normally he'd donate the meat to charity, but seeing as how the gator was feasting on long pig it doesn't look like anyone would want the gator meat.

Remember--CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Naked + Crack = Alligator Attack

I live for this stuff.

Seriously, finding out about this today was like an early Christmas present.

I lowered the official Sprawling Ramshackle Compound Alligator Attack Threat Level in June, earlier this summer.

I did this after our trip to Florida revealed that, at least in my case personally, viscious birds are a greater threat than alligators. This recent incident will not result in a revising of our alligator attack threat assessment due to its unique elements: nudity and crack cocaine use.

At approximately 4 am, Polk County deputies found Adrian J. Apgar (known from this point forward as "Lefty") naked in the jaws of an alligator. Mr. Apgar told the deputies he had been smoking crack prior to the attack; I have not been able to find any explanation of why Lefty was naked or in the water with the alligator.

Clearly, this nation's heightened level of alligator attack vigilance (for which I take a large share of the credit) has resulted in a change of tactics for our reptilian enemy. Even the alligator's prehistoric walnut brain knows that an intoxicated, dope-addled target is an easy target. I'd like to know what kind of lizard sold that rock to Mr. Apgar.

Bear crisis grows worse, calls for National Guard increase...

This was the heading for an email I got first thing this morning from a friend in Florida. He's referring to this story in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette about the increase in Pennsylvania's black bear population. He also claims, convincingly, that:

Over 18,000 people have been killed by alligators in Florida this year alone although the number is largely suppressed by the media. And technically, I don't think the state of Florida counts minorities so it's probably much higher.

As long time readers of sprawling ramshackle compound know, there's not many things I like more than stories about bears. Except for stories about alligators, or freaks. Or any animal attack stories.

So reading this bear story got my week off to a good start, especially coming on the heels of Paris Hilton's mauling at the adorable little paws of a kinkajou. I have to check my friend's alligator attack stats, but in the meantime, here's some more animal attack stories:

-An Anchorage man is mauled by a brown bear.

-A Chinaman gets a face transplant after his encounter with a black bear. Lesson learned? Don't try and chase a bear away with a stick.

-Bear vs Pitbull: Pitbull wins when owner stabs bear in the back.

-Killer mountain lions stalk the streets of Evergreen, Colorado. People live in a "vale of fear."

-Hunt them and kill them all you want: it still won't reduce killer mountain lion attacks.

-High-speed low-drag eye gouge technique saves boy from alligator attack. Thank you, Discovery Channel.

-Anti-immigrant Minutemen are now deploying venomous snakes along the border.

-A possible Darwin award here: if you get drunk, don't play with coral snakes. They will kill you.

Naturam expellas furca, tamen usque recurret.

"You may drive out nature with a pitchfork, yet she still will hurry back." Horace, c 23-13 BC

ALLIGATORS DECLARE WAR ON HUMANKIND

That's right folks. The Compound is now on a war footing. The generators are primed, the shotguns loaded and I've got a freezer full of pig lungs ready to lure the reptilian bastards to an early grave. From now on, it's all alligator stories, all the time.

An off-duty deputy strikes the first blow for humankind.

Pity the foolish do-gooder who shows compassion to these reptilian monsters.

City officials in Oregon crack down on alligator fifth column.

Alligator mastermind dies in captivity.

First there was alarming news from Africa that crocs and hippos were coordinating their attacks. Now it appears that some treacherous dogs are turning on their human sponsors and also working with the alligators.

Failed gator control program

A program to extract killer alligators from southern Florida and sell them off to travelling Asian sideshows came to an abrupt end this week, following a horrible accident

In Florida, More People, More Gators, More Attacks

"Florida wildlife officials are calling the deaths of three people by alligator attack in less than one week 'unrelated coincidences.'"

That's a quote from the NY Times article linked above. Of course the mainstream media says these attacks are "unrelated coincidences" and I'm sure that's what the authorities want us to believe. Prepared Americans know better.

With Bush's announcement that he's sending National Guard troops to our southern border to protect us from hard-working Mexicans, it's clear to me that what we have here is the beginning of a deadly alligator preparedness gap, fueled by the president's short-sighted agenda. I demand (and I urge all of you to contact your representatives) to know why our government plans to dump valuable resources into Mexican immigration deterrence, thereby leaving the soft underbelly of the USA open to mounting gator carnage.

Well, preparedness is my middle name, so I've been reading up on alligator defense. It turns out that alligators can be dispatched in much the same way as reanimated flesheating zombies: kill the brain and the beast will die. The Georgia DNR thoughtfully supplies these guidelines. I don't have a "bangstick", "snatch hook", or harpoon, but I do have a handgun. The Georgia DNR also informs us that we can dispatch the alligator by "severing the spinal cord with a sharp implement" but the idea of flailing away at a maneating gator with a sling blade sounds a little too reckless for me.

This is the way the world ends...

In a wave of alligator attacks:

Two more killed by gators in Florida - U.S. News - MSNBC.com

Sunday Morning Coffee

Good morning and happy Mother's Day! Miz Bubs is currently outside on the back porch enjoying a Mother's day smoke and a glass of champagne as she surveys her newly-dug garden pond hole. She's itching to get out and continue working in the backyard, but 4 days straight of Irish weather has prevented it.

We're leaving in about an hour to go out to brunch with my brothers, their brides, our mom, one mother-in-law and assorted chidren at Flossmoor Country Club. I got to turn up the swank meter a notch or two. Youngest brother emailed me the menu last night and I started salivating as I read it, especially when I saw "shrimp and grits chef style." I can only assume they're talking about one of my favorites, barbeque shrimp and grits (I might give y'all a recipe later.)

I'd like to start out this day, and this week, on a bit of good news: the killer alligator has been captured! The authorities are pretty sure it's the right gator, given the two human arms they found in the belly. And here's another fascinating tidbit: evidently pig lungs are the preferred gator bait. Who knew?

Enjoy your days!

Alligator Attack

"SUNRISE — Under a mess of highway overpasses where the Broward County suburbs meet the Everglades, a pig's lung tied to an empty soda bottle bobbed gently in a canal on Thursday afternoon.

Trappers hoped to catch an alligator with this bait, the alligator that killed a jogger early Wednesday."