Saturday, July 07, 2007

Weekend Alligator Update

A few days ago I got an email titled "Train Like a Gator." I was intrigued. It was from Men's Health magazine, and I thought maybe this would give me the edge I needed to make the transition from world's leading narcozoologist to world's leading alligator fighter.

No such luck. Turns out it was some article on the cardio training done by the Florida Gators college basketball team on their way to the title. Ho hum. I'm not interested in training to run around a hardwood floor bouncing a ball, no sir. If that article had been about how alligators train their young to wage war on humankind, now that would've been something. I could've used information like that. I mean, cardio training is all well and good--I ran 10 miles this morning as the culmination of week 5 of training for the Chicago Marathon--but cardio doesn't kill gators. It's too bad they don't have alligators in Israel, because I bet the Israelis would invent some kind of wicked anti-alligator Krav Maga, and that would be totally f*cking cool.

There are a few new items to report in the ongoing struggle I call World War G.

Normally I don't report on instances of alligators menacing golfers in Florida. That happens all the time. But this story, about a golfer who got pulled in and nearly lost an arm, is notable for one reason: the alligator had only one eye. Think about that. This story illustrates the driven, goal-oriented nature of the alligator--even with a disability, the gator continues his mission, which is, in this case, to kill all the golfers. He didn't even need a reason.

In a more alarming story close to home, some pro-gator apologists put on a show for the kids, letting them get up close and personal with an alligator, an iguana and some other lizards. Why do I call them apologists? Get a load of this statement by Bob Bavirsha of the Chicago Herpetological Society:

"It's important to be nice and friendly to them and they will be nice and friendly to you."

HE'S SAYING THIS ABOUT ALLIGATORS, PEOPLE! Bavirsha went on to show a variety of lizards that he said would make "good pets." Ha. Why not just give the kids a pipe and a bag of rock cocaine while you're at it?

There were two items in the news recently demonstrating the alligator's ongoing effort to interfere with our free flow of commerce:

An alligator in San Antonio, Texas was shot near an apartment complex. My sources say the gator was en route to I-410, a nearby highway.

An alligator in Fort Meade, Florida, attempted to set up a roadblock and trapped a woman in her truck until authorities arrived.

There are unconfirmed reports that an alligator may have made it all the way to the hills of Wayne, West Virginia. There is some confusion, however, because apparently many West Virginians can't tell the difference between an alligator and a beaver.

Alert cops in El Cajon, California, arrested 24 year old Christopher Shawn Hendry, Jr. He had an alligator in his living room, along with a few guns, a silencer and several poisonous snakes. There's no indication whether drugs were involved, but I'll go out on a limb here and say that I'd bet Mr. Hendry is no stranger to the pipe.

Finally, encouraging news:

A plucky stay-at-home mom in Reston, Virginia trapped a young scout gator in her backyard. Well done, ma'am!

Recognizing (hopefully not too late) that they will be swimming in rivers of blood if they don't stop this current wave of alligator attacks, Florida authorities have begun to offer classes in how citizens can prepare and arm themselves to hunt alligators.


Remember friends, that may not be a friendly beaver in your local pond--it could be an alligator!



Dino aka Katy said...

mhh well they do look so much like beavers!!!!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Damn, you have discovered our national secret! It's actually the gator that is Canada's national rodent and we are making plans to send dozens of them to Isreal for military training.

jewgirl said...

do you have any idea how much I LOVE THIS ongoing alli series you've got cookin?! It sends me deranged with laughter. every time I hit the compound and see a gator yarn, I know I'm gonna pee a little.

thank you for that.

Johnny Yen said...

Okay, even to my untrained eyes, that is so obviously a gator and not a beaver. There's certainly pharmaceutical implications if they can see that.

Keep up the vigilance, Narcozoologist Bubs!

kim said...


I would really prefer if you don't write about alligators or crocs...I'm going to have nightmares all night.

I'm afraid.

Bubs said...

Kim, I could always go back to clowns and panty thieves.

Johnny, did you notice that a trailer figured in that story? I might have to do some field work on that one.

JG, I'm trying to get you to laugh enough to fall asleep, you poor thing.

Barbara, hah. When I see a gator wrapped in bearskin to keep warm in Canadian weather I'll throw in the towel.

Katy, West Virginia has some, uh, genetic and chromosomal issues, coupled with widespread oxycontin use, that seems to be having an impact here.

ekans man said...

Im sure that This Bob bavirsha is not living in some shack in the middle of the woods,like your home posted on the website. Im sure he is also making a pretty good living if he has time to take care of an alligator. I think you should add some flowers to the front of your swamp house or whatever that rotting log of a home youve got there! LOL

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