A few days ago I got an email titled "Train Like a Gator." I was intrigued. It was from Men's Health magazine, and I thought maybe this would give me the edge I needed to make the transition from world's leading narcozoologist to world's leading alligator fighter.
No such luck. Turns out it was some article on the cardio training done by the Florida Gators college basketball team on their way to the title. Ho hum. I'm not interested in training to run around a hardwood floor bouncing a ball, no sir. If that article had been about how alligators train their young to wage war on humankind, now that would've been something. I could've used information like that. I mean, cardio training is all well and good--I ran 10 miles this morning as the culmination of week 5 of training for the Chicago Marathon--but cardio doesn't kill gators. It's too bad they don't have alligators in Israel, because I bet the Israelis would invent some kind of wicked anti-alligator Krav Maga, and that would be totally f*cking cool.
There are a few new items to report in the ongoing struggle I call World War G.
Normally I don't report on instances of alligators menacing golfers in Florida. That happens all the time. But this story, about a golfer who got pulled in and nearly lost an arm, is notable for one reason: the alligator had only one eye. Think about that. This story illustrates the driven, goal-oriented nature of the alligator--even with a disability, the gator continues his mission, which is, in this case, to kill all the golfers. He didn't even need a reason.
In a more alarming story close to home, some pro-gator apologists put on a show for the kids, letting them get up close and personal with an alligator, an iguana and some other lizards. Why do I call them apologists? Get a load of this statement by Bob Bavirsha of the Chicago Herpetological Society:
"It's important to be nice and friendly to them and they will be nice and friendly to you."
HE'S SAYING THIS ABOUT ALLIGATORS, PEOPLE! Bavirsha went on to show a variety of lizards that he said would make "good pets." Ha. Why not just give the kids a pipe and a bag of rock cocaine while you're at it?
There were two items in the news recently demonstrating the alligator's ongoing effort to interfere with our free flow of commerce:
An alligator in San Antonio, Texas was shot near an apartment complex. My sources say the gator was en route to I-410, a nearby highway.
An alligator in Fort Meade, Florida, attempted to set up a roadblock and trapped a woman in her truck until authorities arrived.
There are unconfirmed reports that an alligator may have made it all the way to the hills of Wayne, West Virginia. There is some confusion, however, because apparently many West Virginians can't tell the difference between an alligator and a beaver.
Alert cops in El Cajon, California, arrested 24 year old Christopher Shawn Hendry, Jr. He had an alligator in his living room, along with a few guns, a silencer and several poisonous snakes. There's no indication whether drugs were involved, but I'll go out on a limb here and say that I'd bet Mr. Hendry is no stranger to the pipe.
Finally, encouraging news:
A plucky stay-at-home mom in Reston, Virginia trapped a young scout gator in her backyard. Well done, ma'am!
Recognizing (hopefully not too late) that they will be swimming in rivers of blood if they don't stop this current wave of alligator attacks, Florida authorities have begun to offer classes in how citizens can prepare and arm themselves to hunt alligators.
Remember friends, that may not be a friendly beaver in your local pond--it could be an alligator!