Florida provides more proof that nature hates us

What kind of proof, you ask?

Rabid otter mauls Venice walker, 96

The otter is normally thought of as a reasonably adorable creature. Except in Florida, where they attack the elderly. Yes, a 96-year-old man was brutally savaged by a rabid 3-foot-long otter.

Fortunately for the victim, instead of being discovered by your average sun and crack-addled Floridian, a good Samaritan came to his aid. Here's the money quote from the 911 call:

"There's a man on the ground with an otter on him..He's lost a lot of blood. This otter is nonstop...Please hurry."

They finally beat the otter senseless with a shovel. The victim survived; the otter's condition is unknown.

Florida--if it's not the alligators, it's the g*ddam otters...

Tick-proof and ready for adventure

Ticks are disgusting.

Nothing ruins an outdoor adventure family fun day like the discovery of these disgusting little parasites on one or more family member.

Here in the midwest we mostly worry about catching Lyme Disease from these guys; out west it's Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. But did you know ticks also transmit tularemia, tick-borne relapsing fever and, for those of you south of the Mason Dixon, something called Southern Tick-Associated Rash Illness?

The Centers for Disease Control offers a helpful page on ticks and tick-related diseases. It includes this handy chart on relative sizes and stages of development of common American ticks:



You might want to consult this chart, or the CDC pages I've provided, next time you decide to take a restorative stroll through the fields and meadows near your home. I'm just saying.

The eldest and I are setting out today on a quick run up to Wilton, Wisconsin, to meet some people from our church. We're going to camp overnight, cook a big pot of campfire chili, and then spend tomorrow canoeing down the Kickapoo river. Even though I have the cautionary words and advice of Grant Miller echoing in my head, I'm still looking forward to being out of touch with the rest of the world for a day or so.

Before any outdoor adventure I always treat our clothes with my favorite outdoor product, permethrin. Since finding out about this stuff, I have not found a single live tick on anyone in our family. It keeps off mosquitoes as well. And we no longer have to slather ourselves in DEET, which makes kissing MizBubs while in the middle of nowhere a lot tastier.

Starting Monday I get to cross another career goal off my list. I will be in school all week, being trained as a firearms instructor. This is the third or fourth time I've requested the training, and for some reason this time I didn't get blocked because of politics. This is shaping up as a perfect week: camping, canoeing, and non-stop shooting with a break on Wednesday for a trip to a tiki bar.

Good times.

Ever consider a career in entomology?

For quite a while my youngest daughter wanted to be an entomologist, a "bug scientist" as she put it. I thought it was a great idea; I've always been fascinated with bugs since getting my first Golden Guide to insects as a kid. More recently I've had the pleasure to have some contact with forensic entomologists.

If you were an entomologist, you might study the bot fly. Why would you want to study the bot fly? I'll tell you.

Because their larvae occasionally burrow into people's heads and grow inside there.

Seriously. Just ask Carbondale, Colorado resident Aaron Dallas. He recently returned from a trip to Belize and discovered some strange little bleeding bumps on his scalp. A doctor found five active bot fly larvae living beneath the skin atop Dallas' head. The doc plucked 'em out and Mr. Dallas is doing fine!

Yes, the bot fly is a pretty interesting little critter. Did you know sometimes they can even lay their eggs on a human eyeball? And that there are pictures of the larva being removed from a kid's eyeball that you can see on the Interwebs? Yes indeed.

If a bot fly larva burrows into your skin, and you're a prepared outdoor sportsman, you can use a venom extractor (like the one in the snake bite kit you should have) to suck out the little digging bastard.

There are lots of other amazing insects that you could study as an entomologist. The Armed Forces Pest Management Board publishes a handy guide:

Field Guide to Venomous and Medically Important Invertebrates Affecting Military Operations: Identification, Biology, Symptoms, Treatment

Go ahead. Take a look. You know you want to.

Weekend Alligator Update

A few days ago I got an email titled "Train Like a Gator." I was intrigued. It was from Men's Health magazine, and I thought maybe this would give me the edge I needed to make the transition from world's leading narcozoologist to world's leading alligator fighter.

No such luck. Turns out it was some article on the cardio training done by the Florida Gators college basketball team on their way to the title. Ho hum. I'm not interested in training to run around a hardwood floor bouncing a ball, no sir. If that article had been about how alligators train their young to wage war on humankind, now that would've been something. I could've used information like that. I mean, cardio training is all well and good--I ran 10 miles this morning as the culmination of week 5 of training for the Chicago Marathon--but cardio doesn't kill gators. It's too bad they don't have alligators in Israel, because I bet the Israelis would invent some kind of wicked anti-alligator Krav Maga, and that would be totally f*cking cool.

There are a few new items to report in the ongoing struggle I call World War G.

Normally I don't report on instances of alligators menacing golfers in Florida. That happens all the time. But this story, about a golfer who got pulled in and nearly lost an arm, is notable for one reason: the alligator had only one eye. Think about that. This story illustrates the driven, goal-oriented nature of the alligator--even with a disability, the gator continues his mission, which is, in this case, to kill all the golfers. He didn't even need a reason.


In a more alarming story close to home, some pro-gator apologists put on a show for the kids, letting them get up close and personal with an alligator, an iguana and some other lizards. Why do I call them apologists? Get a load of this statement by Bob Bavirsha of the Chicago Herpetological Society:

"It's important to be nice and friendly to them and they will be nice and friendly to you."

HE'S SAYING THIS ABOUT ALLIGATORS, PEOPLE! Bavirsha went on to show a variety of lizards that he said would make "good pets." Ha. Why not just give the kids a pipe and a bag of rock cocaine while you're at it?

There were two items in the news recently demonstrating the alligator's ongoing effort to interfere with our free flow of commerce:

An alligator in San Antonio, Texas was shot near an apartment complex. My sources say the gator was en route to I-410, a nearby highway.

An alligator in Fort Meade, Florida, attempted to set up a roadblock and trapped a woman in her truck until authorities arrived.

There are unconfirmed reports that an alligator may have made it all the way to the hills of Wayne, West Virginia. There is some confusion, however, because apparently many West Virginians can't tell the difference between an alligator and a beaver.

Alert cops in El Cajon, California, arrested 24 year old Christopher Shawn Hendry, Jr. He had an alligator in his living room, along with a few guns, a silencer and several poisonous snakes. There's no indication whether drugs were involved, but I'll go out on a limb here and say that I'd bet Mr. Hendry is no stranger to the pipe.

Finally, encouraging news:


A plucky stay-at-home mom in Reston, Virginia trapped a young scout gator in her backyard. Well done, ma'am!

Recognizing (hopefully not too late) that they will be swimming in rivers of blood if they don't stop this current wave of alligator attacks, Florida authorities have begun to offer classes in how citizens can prepare and arm themselves to hunt alligators.

_____________________

Remember friends, that may not be a friendly beaver in your local pond--it could be an alligator!

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Florida, where nature hates us most of all

Thank God for the can-do spirit of the American fighting man. When faced with attack by a rabid wildcat, we'd all do well to follow the example of 62 year old Dale Rippy, Floridian and Vietnam veteran.

When Mr. Rippy was attacked while relaxing on his back porch, he fought back, and he won:

Dale Rippy endured the bobcat's slashes and bites until it clawed into a position where he could grab it by the throat. Then he strangled it.

What? Huh? I got something in my ear!

Sure, he's smiling now.

Because that little plastic jar holds the two dead spiders that were removed from inside his ear.

A big, BIG thank you to Melinda June for helping me start the week off right!

Badger badger badger...

"When they are having sex they howl and scream and when they are fighting they make terrible blood-curdling noises as if they are being murdered."

Bear crisis grows worse, calls for National Guard increase...

This was the heading for an email I got first thing this morning from a friend in Florida. He's referring to this story in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette about the increase in Pennsylvania's black bear population. He also claims, convincingly, that:

Over 18,000 people have been killed by alligators in Florida this year alone although the number is largely suppressed by the media. And technically, I don't think the state of Florida counts minorities so it's probably much higher.

As long time readers of sprawling ramshackle compound know, there's not many things I like more than stories about bears. Except for stories about alligators, or freaks. Or any animal attack stories.

So reading this bear story got my week off to a good start, especially coming on the heels of Paris Hilton's mauling at the adorable little paws of a kinkajou. I have to check my friend's alligator attack stats, but in the meantime, here's some more animal attack stories:

-An Anchorage man is mauled by a brown bear.

-A Chinaman gets a face transplant after his encounter with a black bear. Lesson learned? Don't try and chase a bear away with a stick.

-Bear vs Pitbull: Pitbull wins when owner stabs bear in the back.

-Killer mountain lions stalk the streets of Evergreen, Colorado. People live in a "vale of fear."

-Hunt them and kill them all you want: it still won't reduce killer mountain lion attacks.

-High-speed low-drag eye gouge technique saves boy from alligator attack. Thank you, Discovery Channel.

-Anti-immigrant Minutemen are now deploying venomous snakes along the border.

-A possible Darwin award here: if you get drunk, don't play with coral snakes. They will kill you.

Naturam expellas furca, tamen usque recurret.

"You may drive out nature with a pitchfork, yet she still will hurry back." Horace, c 23-13 BC