Tuesday, May 06, 2008

World War G:: News from the front


"Behold him rushing forth from the flags and reeds. His enormous body swells. His plaited tail brandished high, floats upon the lake. The waters like a cataract descend from his opening jaws. Clouds of smoke issue from his dilated nostrils. The earth trembles with his thunder. "

--Botanist, naturalist and early alligator expert William Bartram, 1791

Mr. Bartram knew the score. If he'd been a blogger I'm sure he would have posted regularly on his alligator-related discoveries.
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It's been a while since I provided any updates in the ongoing struggle known as World War G. For those of you arriving late, World War G refers to the savage battle being waged against human kind by Alligator mississippiensis, better known as the American Alligator. I have not posted any alligator alerts, nor have I updated my alligator threat map in months. I pray that no one has been mangled as a result of my dereliction. Mea culpa.

Several of you have been helpful over the past couple of months, forwarding important news items my way. Official and unofficial members of the SRC Research Team Katy aka Dino, Dena, and Lulu have all provided fine service. Ladies, humankind thanks you.

Let's get down to business.
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There is no disputing the fact that alligator attacks on humans are on the rise. What mainstream science has refused to address is the expanding nexus between alligator activity and illegal drug use. These are the facts:

February: Dayton, Ohio police and US Marshalls raid the home of 20 year old Devon Nelms, wanted on a warrant for parole violation. They don't find Mr. Nelms, but they do find guns, marijuana, cocaine and two alligators guarding the back door.

March: Philadelphia police execute a search warrant at the home of 38 year old suspected dope dealer Mike Smith. They find four handguns, 62 grams of marijuana, four grams of cocaine, 8 ounces of codeine syrup, 56 pills, drug paraphernalia and an alligator of unknown size and disposition.

Police in Union City, California, conducting what they described as a "routine probation search", arrested 30 year old Eric Windom after finding a firearm, marijuana plants, and an undernourished 6' alligator. Strangely, no cocaine was involved.

May: Police in Toledo, Ohio, raid a home, shooting and killing a pit bull and confiscating several other dogs. They also find an alligator, and charge a resident with illegal use of food stamps. The article doesn't say, but I'd bet good money that drugs were involved. There's a video that nicely displays the house of squalor.

I have now documented 4 alligator-related criminal cases in northern Ohio in the past 12 months, including one alarming case that involved the arrest of a steroid-addled law enforcement officer.

Something is up. It looks to me like Ohio is the place that alligators have decided to establish the beach head from which to launch their expansion into the soft midsection of the nation. Rest assured, I'll be monitoring the situation as it develops. The bold, intuitive science known as narcozoology does not sleep.

More alligator information will follow in the next few days. Stay tuned. For those of you in gator country, remember that it's mating season, and that means our saurian adversaries will be even more aggressive than usual.

The watchword remains, as always: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!


9 comments:

Splotchy said...

Nice post!

And I must have missed your previous announcement of "World War G" - a nice turn of phrase worth wearing on a t-shirt, I reckon.

SkylersDad said...

Are the drug dealers using Alligators as guard dogs?

Grandmère Mimi said...

Yeah! The 'gators be scary critters. They show up around here uninvited in folks' yards and carports on occasion.

I confess that the guard alligator is a new one on me. How do you train them not to turn on the owner?

kirby said...

As far as drug dealers and alligators go, perhaps it's one of those chicken/egg things. We'll never know.

GETkristiLOVE said...

I'm so glad to see this alligator update! I thought of you when we went to Seaworld this past Sunday - there was an alligator exhibit and as I was leaning over to take a picture, a Floridian behind me said, "Shit, I see bigger ones than that out on the street."

I should have told him to move to Ohio.

justacoolcat said...

I'm starting to think Maybe I've been looking at this all wrong.

It's not the dope fiends running the alligator and drug game. It's the alligator game running the dope fiends.

Maybe we shouldn't be focusing on the small time alligator, but the stream it swims in.

lulu said...

Remind me to tell you all about my family in Ohio. Ohio is weird place.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"Union City???" My uncle lives there! Way to represent, Yay Area!

BTW Bubs, did you know that there's a picture of you "on the job," in the paper?

Bubs said...

WP, holy smoke! That's awesome, thanks!

Lulu, I will. I've also got some distant relatives in Ohio, including a cousin (now deceased) who dated a defrocked priest and a clown. Not at the same time.

Coolcat, exactly!

GKL, hah. When I first took my kids to Florida our little one was kind of apprehensive, and I couldn't figure out why--turns out she had the impression that alligators down there were scampering around the way we have gray squirrels here.

Kirby, that may be, but I aim to find out.

Grandmere, no kidding. I remember sitting outside, eating, at a place in Crown Point, as the alligators came up and watched my daughter walking along the bank of the bayou. We pulled her back.

Skylersdad, yes, some of them are. I want to know where they get them, for starters.

Splotchy, that's an idea! I'll have to work on my own line of SRC apparel.