Monday, November 24, 2008

There's a reason we eat turkeys on Thanksgiving


And you want to know what that reason is?

It's because turkeys are aggressive, kill crazy birds that are increasingly marauding into suburban backyards across the nation, and they need to be controlled, that's why.

Ben Franklin understood the true nature of the turkey, and wanted the turkey to be used as the symbol of our great nation instead of the bald eagle. He undoubtedly knew the fear that the warlike turkey would strike into the hearts of enemies:
For the Truth the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America . . . He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard...
Yes, it's true that reasonable people have far more to fear from alligators than from turkeys. For now. But that doesn't mean we should, for a moment, let our guard down.

Witness the horror of this unprovoked attack. Anecdotal evidence clearly proves that turkeys are increasingly targeting the youngest and most vulnerable among us:



Witness this unprovoked attack on a woman in North Olmsted, Ohio, as she's driven back into the safety of her home by a rampaging tom:



As I said before, this phenomenon is not limited to one region. Attacks have been documented throughout the midwest as well as in Pennsylvania and Massachusetts. The Boston Globe recently ran a helpful article titled Tips to stop wild turkeys from terrorizing you. As a public service, I'll reprint some of the best advice from the article:

  • Don’t let the turkeys intimidate you. Don't hesitate to scare or threaten a bold, aggressive turkey with loud noises, swatting with a broom or water sprayed from a hose. A dog on a leash is also an effective deterrent.
  • Cover windows and other reflective objects. If a turkey is pecking at a shiny object such as a vehicle or window, cover or otherwise disguise the object. Harass the bird by chasing it, squirting with a hose or other means of aggression...
  • Educate your neighbors. Pass this information along: Your efforts will be futile if neighbors are providing food for turkeys or neglecting to act boldly towards the birds. It requires the efforts of the entire neighborhood...
"Educate your neighbors. Pass this information along..." Sound advice, my friends.

Finally, one last video that offers hope. It is much the same with turkey attacks as it is with flesh eating zombie outbreaks: very often the gun-happy redneck is best equipped to recognize and deal with the threat. This video is a perfect illustration both of the turkey's aggression, and the appropriate human response. Watch as the savage tom turkey pwns a decoy, and is in turn totally pwn'd by a trio of hillbilly ninjas somewhere in Florida:



CONSTANT VIGILANCE!




14 comments:

Mnmom said...

Nothing says "manly" like men who have their seat cushions constantly attached to their rear ends.

I will alert my neighborhood watch committee immediately.

SkylersDad said...

One less terrorist turkey roaming the streets. Thank you brave warriors for making me feel safe!

Cormac Brown said...

"Don’t let the turkeys intimidate you. Don't hesitate to scare or threaten a bold, aggressive turkey with loud noises, swatting with a broom or water sprayed from a hose. A dog on a leash is also an effective deterrent."

C'mon Bubs, I know from my job and you know from your job this never work...oh, you mean the winged-kind.

Gifted Typist said...

I never understood the N.American attachment to turkey on special holidays. I mean, it's Christmas? Why would anyone settle for turkey (!) at Christmas of all days. Ditto Thanksgiving.

It's like everyone is preprogrammed - lead me to tur-key.

Thanks Bubs you have given me more reasons to rue turkey and turkey eating habits

Suze said...

Great as if I didn't have enough to worry about. Now I'll live in fear of:

Pigeons
Seagulls
Slugs
Earthworms
and
Turkeys

My therapist thanks you. I hope you have a great holiday!

Mathman6293 said...

Those wild turkeys strut their stuff all over the place around here. Once, one jumped off a hill and nearly hit my car. I was driving at the time. Eat them all.

Megan said...

Holy smokes!

Mob said...

The dog on a leash intimidating a turkey is amusing: Do I swing the dog in slow circles over my head to distract the bird, or how does that work exactly?

Also, is there any way to turn the alligators against the turkeys, then find another, more horrible animal to use on the alligators?

Y'know, like that Simpsons episode with the lizards, only horribly, horribly real?

justacoolcat said...

We have a lot of wild turkeys around my place, but when I run across them while biking they tend to leave me alone. I'm sure they can see the crazy in my eyes.

BeckEye said...

You're a real jive turkey, Bubs.

Grant Miller said...

There's a forest preserve not far from us in DuPage that has wild turkeys that wonder over from a nearby farm or something. There's a sign that reads "Do not feed the turkeys."

Scary stuff, dude.

kim said...

Personally, I would prefer a ham sandwich.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

hahahaha - "I was just going to say he's going to start pecking on our friggin door and screen and that's it - we're done!" God that dad is a drama queen!

vikkitikkitavi said...

Aw, go turkeys!!!!