Zombies Ahead

That's what a digital road sign in Austin, Texas read after some enterprising hackers took control of it. Since this was Texas, several dozen motorists immediately exited the highway to buy more guns.

We can only hope state transportation departments across the nation will be so quick to respond when the real zombie apocalypse finally arrives.

Weenie Waver Wednesday, and a new American hero

I found this story a little too late to include it in last week's post. This is a perfect entry for Weenie Waver Wednesday! and it also introduces an excellent candidate for the SRC Prepared American Hero Hall of Fame.

First, the weenie waver.

Meet 46 year old Michael Dick of Gresham, Oregon:



Mr. Dick sauntered, naked, into the Troutdale home of an 88 year old woman at 6:30 in the morning. He "didn't say a word; he just followed her around the room and kept pushing himself against her". He shoved the woman face first into a chair, and then here's where the prepared American hero part comes in.

The 88 year old woman gave Mr. Dick a reverse reach-around, clamping down firmly on Mr. Dick's scrotum and squeezing until he ceased his frottage and ran out of the house. He was arrested a short time later. There's a lovely interview with the woman, identified only as "Jennifer", here:

49 year old Steven Jeffrey Fass of Simpsonville, South Carolina, insomniac and Lexus driver, was stopped by police after being reported for fondling himself while driving naked. When the police stopped him he was sans shirt and shoes, and had a bottle of baby oil and some boxer shorts on the front seat next to him.

This is Roger Arnold of Okeechobee, Florida:



Roger sidled up to the counter of a gas station with a bag of pretzels in front of his crotch, and then exposed himself to the 17 year old girl working the register. The girl stated "that he made several movements to bring her attention to his exposed parts as he lifted his T-shirt and adjusted himself" before leaving the store.

Roger returned 3 days later, and this time the police arrived. According to this article,
Roger

"explained he'd been having zipper issues "as his pants were too tight and the zipper kept going down on its own...He also stated that he guessed it was a bad idea not to wear underwear that day..."

I'll close out this week's feature with the case of Jeffrey Pickett:

Jeffrey Pickett is an aspiring mixed martial arts fighter. He was looking for someone to fight with, and he went to the parking lot of the Walmart in Covington, Georgia. He said he wanted to "practice his tap outs". Believing that it would be easier to find someone to fight with him if he was naked, Mr. Pickett undressed in the parking lot and stood next to his car, waiting for an adversary. The Covington Police Department arrested him for public indecency and he's now awaiting trial in the Newton County Jail.

There's a reason we eat turkeys on Thanksgiving

And you want to know what that reason is?

It's because turkeys are aggressive, kill crazy birds that are increasingly marauding into suburban backyards across the nation, and they need to be controlled, that's why.

Ben Franklin understood the true nature of the turkey, and wanted the turkey to be used as the symbol of our great nation instead of the bald eagle. He undoubtedly knew the fear that the warlike turkey would strike into the hearts of enemies:

For the Truth the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America . . . He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard...

Yes, it's true that reasonable people have far more to fear from alligators than from turkeys. For now. But that doesn't mean we should, for a moment, let our guard down.

Witness the horror of this unprovoked attack. Anecdotal evidence clearly proves that turkeys are increasingly targeting the youngest and most vulnerable among us:



Witness this unprovoked attack on a woman in North Olmsted, Ohio, as she's driven back into the safety of her home by a rampaging tom:



As I said before, this phenomenon is not limited to one region. Attacks have been documented throughout the midwest as well as in Pennsylvania and Massachusetts. The Boston Globe recently ran a helpful article titled Tips to stop wild turkeys from terrorizing you. As a public service, I'll reprint some of the best advice from the article:

• Don’t let the turkeys intimidate you. Don't hesitate to scare or threaten a bold, aggressive turkey with loud noises, swatting with a broom or water sprayed from a hose. A dog on a leash is also an effective deterrent.
• Cover windows and other reflective objects. If a turkey is pecking at a shiny object such as a vehicle or window, cover or otherwise disguise the object. Harass the bird by chasing it, squirting with a hose or other means of aggression...
• Educate your neighbors. Pass this information along: Your efforts will be futile if neighbors are providing food for turkeys or neglecting to act boldly towards the birds. It requires the efforts of the entire neighborhood...

"Educate your neighbors. Pass this information along..." Sound advice, my friends.

Finally, one last video that offers hope. It is much the same with turkey attacks as it is with flesh eating zombie outbreaks: very often the gun-happy redneck is best equipped to recognize and deal with the threat. This video is a perfect illustration both of the turkey's aggression, and the appropriate human response. Watch as the savage tom turkey pwns a decoy, and is in turn totally pwn'd by a trio of hillbilly ninjas somewhere in Florida:



CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Only 141 shopping days left until Christmas

It's never too early to start looking for that perfect gift for that special someone. In this case, that special someone would be the person in your life who is at risk for, or in fear of, sustaining a wound to his femoral artery.

Ballistic chaps are made for that person.

According to an article in the July/August edition of Tactical Response, the new ballistic chaps "not only provide the necessary added protection, but they give you added confidence as well, allowing more concentration to be given to the tasks at hand."

I couldn't have put it better.