The struggle continues

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, the proverbial turd in a punchbowl, but heck. It's what I do.

In spite of recent victories in New York, Kansas, Florida and California, the alligator has once again proven to be a wily and resilient adversary.

A young gator was captured in northern California, showing the gator's unyielding efforts to scout new territory.

What is it with New Yorkers and their insatiable desire to keep alligators as pets?

Alligators have apparently chosen to open a new front in the rust belt. A young scout gator was captured in a garage near Toledo, Ohio.

In a disturbing development, I've recently learned of another example of a bad cop being compromised by alligators.

Sgt. Warren Nyerges of the Bay Village PD, was placed on administrative leave after being charged with domestic violence and having a prohibited animal--an alligator. The stress and paranoia that results from being a reptile Quisling must have weighed heavily on Sgt. Nyerges. Police confiscated more than 40 firearms from his house.

Oh, yeah, one more thing--drugs were involved. Not the usual cocaine, or weed, or methamphetamine. Steroids. I don't have enough data to determine if Sgt. Nyerges' steroid use impaired his judgment, or if the stress of collaborating with the reptile enemy, and the constant fear of alligator attack, drove him to start hitting himself in the ass with D-bol. But I aim to find out.

For now the watchword remains, as always: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Alligators: wily, kill-crazy...and resilient

I need to adjust the alligator early-warning system here at the compound. This story has been on the wires since 8:22 pm CST on April 30, but I just found it this morning. Please accept my sincere apology for not getting this vital information to you sooner.

According to this story in the L.A. Times, Reggie the alligator has reappeared in Lake Machado. Efforts to catch Reggie in 2005 fell apart after self-described gator expert T-Bone Quinn of Louisiana referred to the team from Gatorland as "retarded." Ted Williams, leader of Team Gatorland, responded as Team Gatorland quit the project:

"I will not allow some swamp rat to walk into a situation and make comments…. I am not going to allow Gatorland to be referred to as 'retarded.' "

T-Bone's victory over Team Gatorland was short-lived. He was later arrested for violating his probation in Louisiana.

As if the incompetence and fractiousness of the so-called "experts" brought in to catch the gator wasn't discouraging enough, even worse news comes later in the article: the explosive revelation that alligators have compromised certain members of the law enforcement community!

Yeah, you heard me right. Former LAPD Officer Todd Natow, after raising Reggie to fighting size in a backyard pool, dumped him in Lake Machado. And guess what? DRUGS WERE INVOLVED!!!

Todd Natow, who left LAPD after 17 years of service (and let me tell you, that is a BIG red flag right there--a cop who "leaves" three years short of being able to collect a pension) was arrested in 2005 when police raided his house and found marijuana, alligators, piranhas and a rattlesnake.

Wake up Los Angeles! Effective law enforcement has possibly stopped the northward march of the gator army in places like New York and Massachussets. Your sunny clime and a corrupt cop have opened you up as the next logical target.

Watch the lakes...watch the lakes! And I'm going on the record as saying my services are available for a very reasonable price.