Why am I such a dick sometimes?

MizBubs just bought a new car for the first time in her life yesterday. Thanks to the "Cash for Clunkers" program, she settled on a new Nissan Cube. It marks the first time since 1989 that she has not been the driver of a minivan. She is excited.

Our youngest, just-starting-to-drive daughter is also very excited. She pushed hard for the Cube, and was terrified that MizBubs, practical and thrifty gal that she is, might opt for something cheaper and more run o' the mill than the Cube. As my bride finished up her paperwork, I couldn't resist sending a text message to our youngest:

Your mom decided to go with a charcoal nissan sentra

My bride looked at me, shook her head and said "why do you do this?"

"Can't help myself" I answered, starting to cackle. She's told me before that my passive aggressive practical joking sometimes marks me as kind of a jerk. This is how the rest of the exchange went:

Youre kidding.

3000 cheaper

Its a 4 door sedan but i talked her out of the wagon

Why would we get a sedan theres no space were getting a cube you cant just lie to me for a month

She decided to go with a more sensible car than a cube

The cube IS sensible. If youre kidding stop it its NOT funny.

Its a sedan but it has a really big trunk and a full size spare

TELL HER NO GET THE FUCKING CUBE PLEASE. DONT DO THIS

Shes signing the paperwork now

If you dont get the cube I wont talk to you for the rest of the summer.

Does this mean our road trip is off? Because the sedan is a smooth ride

I hate you guys.

I think MizBubs got a good deal on the car, but I'm not completely sure. I was giggling like Richard Widmark pushing an old woman down the stairs, and didn't really pay much attention to the closing details. She told me later that it worked out well for her. When everything was finished she texted both girls and said she was surprised, and maybe a little disappointed, that

1) they had no faith in her to ultimately choose the fun car, and

2) they fell for my bullshit, again, after all these years.

I did not get hit that hard when I got home.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"I don't believe it does affect my credibility at all because this is bigfoot...It would be one thing if I came out and said that I had something else that is tangible or real, but right now, as far as I'm concerned, there is no real bigfoot."

-Former Clayton County, Georgia, Police Officer Matthew Whitton, explaining why he should get his job back after being fired for perpetrating this summer's bigfoot hoax.

Officer Whitton and his former boss, Chief Jeff Turner, were featured in the Law Enforcement Quote of the Week of August 26, 2008.

Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

"Everyone who has talked down to us is going to eat their words..."

-Clayton County, Georgia, police officer Matt Whitton, responding to critics skeptical of his claim of discovering a genuine bigfoot carcass.

_____________________

"Once he perpetrated a fraud, that goes into his credibility and integrity. He has violated the duty of a police officer."

-Clayton County Police Chief Jeff Turner, explaining why Matt Whitton was being fired from his position as a police officer with Clayton County.

Late night, half-ass Random 5

Being the shiftless hillbilly slacker that I am, I procrastinated and put off doing my presentation until the last minute. Friday afternoon I have to do a 7 minute presentation on the brachial stun, one of my favorite techniques. I picked that as a topic because I've done it a bunch of times and know I can fill the time easily. Good thing, too, because I also got distracted by dishing out Las Vegas drinking tips to a friend of mine who's planning a trip there soon.

So...

I really need to be in bed, like now, so instead of a random ten it's a random five this morning. I put them up in the music widget on the right.

Here goes:

Swordfishtrombone -- Tom Waits

Saving All My Love For You -- Tom Waits

Chelsea Hotel #2 -- Leonard Cohen

Hello Operator -- The White Stripes

Inside Me -- Jesus and Mary Chain

______________________

We did make it out to Tiki Terrace Wednesday night, and we were damn near heartbroke to find out we missed Amy Guth. She arrived there a half hour or so before we did, and split shortly thereafter in the face of a capacity crowd.

The brothers did a fine job and the place was full. We may have missed Ms. Guth, but we got there in time to watch a half dozen red hat ladies knock back the rest of their drinks and roll out tipsy. I managed to take just this one photo of the interior, but you can get an idea of the love that went into the place. This is a photo of the stage:



The taro chips were mighty tasty, and they have dropped the ill-conceived spam sushi from the menu. Life moves on.

On Friday, June 27, they're doing an Elvis "Aloha from Hawaii" dinner revue. Tickets are $17.50 and include grub. I think I might need to go see this.

Alligators: wily, kill-crazy...and resilient

I need to adjust the alligator early-warning system here at the compound. This story has been on the wires since 8:22 pm CST on April 30, but I just found it this morning. Please accept my sincere apology for not getting this vital information to you sooner.

According to this story in the L.A. Times, Reggie the alligator has reappeared in Lake Machado. Efforts to catch Reggie in 2005 fell apart after self-described gator expert T-Bone Quinn of Louisiana referred to the team from Gatorland as "retarded." Ted Williams, leader of Team Gatorland, responded as Team Gatorland quit the project:

"I will not allow some swamp rat to walk into a situation and make comments…. I am not going to allow Gatorland to be referred to as 'retarded.' "

T-Bone's victory over Team Gatorland was short-lived. He was later arrested for violating his probation in Louisiana.

As if the incompetence and fractiousness of the so-called "experts" brought in to catch the gator wasn't discouraging enough, even worse news comes later in the article: the explosive revelation that alligators have compromised certain members of the law enforcement community!

Yeah, you heard me right. Former LAPD Officer Todd Natow, after raising Reggie to fighting size in a backyard pool, dumped him in Lake Machado. And guess what? DRUGS WERE INVOLVED!!!

Todd Natow, who left LAPD after 17 years of service (and let me tell you, that is a BIG red flag right there--a cop who "leaves" three years short of being able to collect a pension) was arrested in 2005 when police raided his house and found marijuana, alligators, piranhas and a rattlesnake.

Wake up Los Angeles! Effective law enforcement has possibly stopped the northward march of the gator army in places like New York and Massachussets. Your sunny clime and a corrupt cop have opened you up as the next logical target.

Watch the lakes...watch the lakes! And I'm going on the record as saying my services are available for a very reasonable price.

A B C

I've been tagged by both Katie Schwartz and Johnny Yen, and if it's rude to ignore a tag, how rude would it be to ignore two? I had no choice but to comply:

A- Available or Single?

-Available nearly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week--but only to MizBubs.

B- Best Friend?

-I've got a few good friends, but I've been unbelievably lucky to marry my best friend. Sounds hokey, doesn't it? But it's true.

C- Cake or Pie?

-PIE! Sweet potato pie, pecan pie, lemon chess pie, strawberry rhubarb pie, apple pie...I could go on about pie like Forrest Gump about shrimp.

D- Drink of Choice?

-Water, lots of it. Followed closely by strong coffee, bourbon, sweet tea and nearly anything served in a festive tiki mug.

E- Essential Item?

-A gun and a smile.

F- Favorite Color?

-Black

G- Gummi Bears or worms?

-Probably the worms, if they're the really tart/sour kind.

H- Hometown?

-Louisville, Kentucky. I miss the south, and I can't wait to move somewhere below the Mason- Dixon line in the next few years.

I- Indulgence?

-My entire life is one long indulgence. I can't even begin to list them.

J- January or February?

-January, I get to rest up from the holidays, it's a new year and I have a whole new crop of vacation days to use.

K- Kids?

-Two daughters, both fine young women. I spend my time alternating between pride at how wonderful they've grown to be, and sadness that they increasingly have very full lives away from their parents, thank you.

L- Life is incomplete without?

-Adventures and bold failures.

M- Marriage date?

-June 21, the summer solstice.

N- Number of siblings?

-Two brothers. I am the oldest.

O- Oranges or apples?

-Apples. You can bake them in a pie, and one of the best smells in the world is apples frying in butter with some bourbon and cinnamon.

P- Phobias/fears?

-Heights and falling, which is why I force myself to go on roller coasters.

Q- Favorite Quote?

”Only a country as mad as ours could be such a roaring success.”

-Norman Mailer, “Tough Guys Don't Dance”

R- Reasons to smile?

-Getting over on the Man.

S- Season?

-Summertime, and the living is easy.

T- Tag 3 people

-Miz Bubs, and anyone else with time to kill.

U- Unknown fact about me

-I am an art school dropout.

V- Vegetable you hate?

-None I can think of. Canned wax beans might come close.

W- Worst habit?

-Anger, procrastination, lack of follow-through, gluttony, sloth, profligacy.

X- X-rays you've had?

-Do MRI's and other imaging count? Dental, leg (broken fibula), hand (fractured 5^th metacarpal), knees, and abdomen.

Y- Your favorite foods?

-Biscuits and sausage gravy, gumbo, pie, barbecue (PORK, not beef!), raw oysters, any hand- rolled sushi, damn near any kind of pasta, noodle or dumpling, whether it's Italian or Asian, anything soaked in butter, fried, heavily seasoned with garlic or bacon.

Z- Zodiac?

-Read the book, haven't seen the movie. I heard it's good.

No woman would ever do that

I participated in a practical joke today, a little thing really, that didn’t result in property damage, legal action or a visit to the doctor. The reason I’m writing about it is that I got the same reaction, nearly word-for-word, from both my mom and from MizBubs:

“No woman would ever do that.”

Here’s what happened. My mom is doing some financial stuff, and my brother John found a guy he knows from work to help her. I went over to her place to be there while the guy (Jim) made his presentation. When we finished, Jim mentioned that my brother is always kidding around with other people in his office. Jim said he was going to have a little fun by calling John and pretending to be lost, almost an hour after the scheduled appointment time. I thought this was a swell idea, and said that I’d go one better—I’d wait until Jim walked out the door, and then call John and tell him Jim hadn’t showed up yet.

My brother John is one of the most generous and conscientious people I’ve ever known. He also worries. He called me, and then my mom, and then me again about 3 or 4 times setting up this appointment. And then last night he called back and double-checked. Twice. Now what’s really cool is, when he gets worked up he swears even better than I do. I mean, epic and colorful swearing. Mom had a concerned look on her face as Jim and I discussed our plan. We shook hands, Jim walked out the door, and I made the first call at 11:55am:

John: Hi mom, how’d it go?

Me: No, John, it’s me, I’m on mom’s phone. Hey, what time was that appointment, 11 or 12?

John: What?

Me: Was that guy supposed to be here at 11 or 12? Mom was wondering.

John: What? Jim’s not there?

Me: No, I thought you said 11 but I wasn’t sure. I’ve been here since 10:30.

John: Hold on. (papers shuffling, then hold music) I made that appointment for 11. Sonofabitch. He hasn’t called? Shit.

Me: So you’re sure it was for 11?

John: YES I’M SURE. I’ll call you right back. (CLICK. Hangs up)

Mom: Why are you doing this?

Me: Because it’s funny as hell. John’s going nuts right now.

Mom: No woman would ever do something like this. Why do men find this funny?

The phone rang.

John: Joe, you there?

Me: Yeah, what’s up?

John: Listen, Jim says he’s just pulling up by the house, look for him.

Me: So you got hold of him? What’s the deal?

John: I DON’T KNOW. He’s a good guy, ok? Just give him the benefit of a doubt. He knows what he’s doing.

Me: Is there a problem or something?

John: NO. He’s really a good guy, he should be there. Just, uh, give him the benefit of a doubt, ok?

Me: I’m looking out the window, he’s still not here.

John: Fuck. I’ll call you back. (CLICK)

About 5 seconds later:

Jim: (laughing) Hi, Joe, please, call your brother back and tell him I’m there. Please. He’s calling me.

Me: Sure thing. Bye.

Jim: Bye.

Me: Hello, John?

John: Yeah Joe, listen, I don’t know what the f*cking problem is,

Me: (cutting John off) It’s ok, everything’s fine.

John: Yeah?

Me: Yeah, Jim just left.

John: (Silence) What?

Me: Jim just left. He dropped off a packet of information and a business card and he left, just a minute ago.

John: WHAT?

Me: Yeah, he introduced himself to mom, dropped off some stuff and then he left. He brought mom a flower, that was nice. Seemed like a nice

John: (cutting me off) WHAT? He’s gone already?

Me: Yeah. Was there supposed to be more than that?

John: HOLD ON (hold music) Yeah listen, Joe, I don’t know what’s going on.

Me: John, everything is fine, Jim got here early, before 11.

John: What?

Me: Everything’s fine, Jim did a real nice presentation. He got here before 11, and left a few minutes ago. Everything’s fine. I’m just joking with you.

John: FUCK YOU. (CLICK)

I almost fell out laughing. See, what I can’t convey on paper is the rising sense of confusion, followed by panic, followed by anger, which I found totally hilarious. My mom said, in that gentle way that moms have, “I don’t know why you and your brother do that to each other.”

“Because it’s funny.”

“You think so.”

I got home and told this story to MizBubs. I started laughing, and she started laughing, and then she pulled herself up and said “you know, no woman would do something like that.”

So what’s the deal? It’s not like there’s some big gap between my sensibility and MizBubs’. One of the first things I came to appreciate about her was that she’d watch Russ Meyer and women’s prison movies with me. And the Three Stooges. And I love Project Runway and craft shows.

I’ve just always enjoyed recreational lying. I get a great thrill out of seeing that stunned look of disbelief on people’s faces when I’ve pulled a whopper. Is that a male thing? Or is it just me and my family? I notice that I seemed to have passed the trait on to my youngest daughter (though MizBubs says she’d only do that kind of stuff to me, not to innocent people.)

I need to get some grant money and study this.

Bullshit artist of the week

Oops: Imposter scams Louisiana officials

Members of an activist group called "The Yes Men" scammed their way into a conference in New Orleans by pretending to be HUD officials. They refer to what they do as "identity correction":

Small-time criminals impersonate honest people in order to steal their money. Targets are ordinary folks whose ID numbers fell into the wrong hands.

Honest people impersonate big-time criminals in order to publicly humiliate them. Targets are leaders and big corporations who put profits ahead of everything else.

Here's another story about them in the New Orleans Times Picayune.