Why am I such a dick sometimes?

MizBubs just bought a new car for the first time in her life yesterday. Thanks to the "Cash for Clunkers" program, she settled on a new Nissan Cube. It marks the first time since 1989 that she has not been the driver of a minivan. She is excited.

Our youngest, just-starting-to-drive daughter is also very excited. She pushed hard for the Cube, and was terrified that MizBubs, practical and thrifty gal that she is, might opt for something cheaper and more run o' the mill than the Cube. As my bride finished up her paperwork, I couldn't resist sending a text message to our youngest:

Your mom decided to go with a charcoal nissan sentra

My bride looked at me, shook her head and said "why do you do this?"

"Can't help myself" I answered, starting to cackle. She's told me before that my passive aggressive practical joking sometimes marks me as kind of a jerk. This is how the rest of the exchange went:

Youre kidding.

3000 cheaper

Its a 4 door sedan but i talked her out of the wagon

Why would we get a sedan theres no space were getting a cube you cant just lie to me for a month

She decided to go with a more sensible car than a cube

The cube IS sensible. If youre kidding stop it its NOT funny.

Its a sedan but it has a really big trunk and a full size spare

TELL HER NO GET THE FUCKING CUBE PLEASE. DONT DO THIS

Shes signing the paperwork now

If you dont get the cube I wont talk to you for the rest of the summer.

Does this mean our road trip is off? Because the sedan is a smooth ride

I hate you guys.

I think MizBubs got a good deal on the car, but I'm not completely sure. I was giggling like Richard Widmark pushing an old woman down the stairs, and didn't really pay much attention to the closing details. She told me later that it worked out well for her. When everything was finished she texted both girls and said she was surprised, and maybe a little disappointed, that

1) they had no faith in her to ultimately choose the fun car, and

2) they fell for my bullshit, again, after all these years.

I did not get hit that hard when I got home.

Girls kissing

Oh yeah. I forgot to mention clown boy.

That clown won't go away

At least, not until someone guesses who it is.

Come on. Isn't there a New Yorker or art fan among you who can figure this out?

Maybe a couple more pictures will help:

How to deal with an annoying fellow passenger

Ever get stuck next to someone on a train, bus or airplane, and that person just really bugs you? Thanks to the wonders of forwarded email, here's a way of dealing with them. It only works if you have a laptop computer with you.

1) Open your laptop case and remove the computer.

2) Position the computer so that your fellow passenger can clearly see the screen.

3) Close your eyes, tilt your head toward the sky, and mumble under your breath.

4) Then open this link.

Let the good times roll.

No woman would ever do that

I participated in a practical joke today, a little thing really, that didn’t result in property damage, legal action or a visit to the doctor. The reason I’m writing about it is that I got the same reaction, nearly word-for-word, from both my mom and from MizBubs:

“No woman would ever do that.”

Here’s what happened. My mom is doing some financial stuff, and my brother John found a guy he knows from work to help her. I went over to her place to be there while the guy (Jim) made his presentation. When we finished, Jim mentioned that my brother is always kidding around with other people in his office. Jim said he was going to have a little fun by calling John and pretending to be lost, almost an hour after the scheduled appointment time. I thought this was a swell idea, and said that I’d go one better—I’d wait until Jim walked out the door, and then call John and tell him Jim hadn’t showed up yet.

My brother John is one of the most generous and conscientious people I’ve ever known. He also worries. He called me, and then my mom, and then me again about 3 or 4 times setting up this appointment. And then last night he called back and double-checked. Twice. Now what’s really cool is, when he gets worked up he swears even better than I do. I mean, epic and colorful swearing. Mom had a concerned look on her face as Jim and I discussed our plan. We shook hands, Jim walked out the door, and I made the first call at 11:55am:

John: Hi mom, how’d it go?

Me: No, John, it’s me, I’m on mom’s phone. Hey, what time was that appointment, 11 or 12?

John: What?

Me: Was that guy supposed to be here at 11 or 12? Mom was wondering.

John: What? Jim’s not there?

Me: No, I thought you said 11 but I wasn’t sure. I’ve been here since 10:30.

John: Hold on. (papers shuffling, then hold music) I made that appointment for 11. Sonofabitch. He hasn’t called? Shit.

Me: So you’re sure it was for 11?

John: YES I’M SURE. I’ll call you right back. (CLICK. Hangs up)

Mom: Why are you doing this?

Me: Because it’s funny as hell. John’s going nuts right now.

Mom: No woman would ever do something like this. Why do men find this funny?

The phone rang.

John: Joe, you there?

Me: Yeah, what’s up?

John: Listen, Jim says he’s just pulling up by the house, look for him.

Me: So you got hold of him? What’s the deal?

John: I DON’T KNOW. He’s a good guy, ok? Just give him the benefit of a doubt. He knows what he’s doing.

Me: Is there a problem or something?

John: NO. He’s really a good guy, he should be there. Just, uh, give him the benefit of a doubt, ok?

Me: I’m looking out the window, he’s still not here.

John: Fuck. I’ll call you back. (CLICK)

About 5 seconds later:

Jim: (laughing) Hi, Joe, please, call your brother back and tell him I’m there. Please. He’s calling me.

Me: Sure thing. Bye.

Jim: Bye.

Me: Hello, John?

John: Yeah Joe, listen, I don’t know what the f*cking problem is,

Me: (cutting John off) It’s ok, everything’s fine.

John: Yeah?

Me: Yeah, Jim just left.

John: (Silence) What?

Me: Jim just left. He dropped off a packet of information and a business card and he left, just a minute ago.

John: WHAT?

Me: Yeah, he introduced himself to mom, dropped off some stuff and then he left. He brought mom a flower, that was nice. Seemed like a nice

John: (cutting me off) WHAT? He’s gone already?

Me: Yeah. Was there supposed to be more than that?

John: HOLD ON (hold music) Yeah listen, Joe, I don’t know what’s going on.

Me: John, everything is fine, Jim got here early, before 11.

John: What?

Me: Everything’s fine, Jim did a real nice presentation. He got here before 11, and left a few minutes ago. Everything’s fine. I’m just joking with you.

John: FUCK YOU. (CLICK)

I almost fell out laughing. See, what I can’t convey on paper is the rising sense of confusion, followed by panic, followed by anger, which I found totally hilarious. My mom said, in that gentle way that moms have, “I don’t know why you and your brother do that to each other.”

“Because it’s funny.”

“You think so.”

I got home and told this story to MizBubs. I started laughing, and she started laughing, and then she pulled herself up and said “you know, no woman would do something like that.”

So what’s the deal? It’s not like there’s some big gap between my sensibility and MizBubs’. One of the first things I came to appreciate about her was that she’d watch Russ Meyer and women’s prison movies with me. And the Three Stooges. And I love Project Runway and craft shows.

I’ve just always enjoyed recreational lying. I get a great thrill out of seeing that stunned look of disbelief on people’s faces when I’ve pulled a whopper. Is that a male thing? Or is it just me and my family? I notice that I seemed to have passed the trait on to my youngest daughter (though MizBubs says she’d only do that kind of stuff to me, not to innocent people.)

I need to get some grant money and study this.