Law Enforcement Quote of the Week: naked dump truck edition

"It's a tense situation when someone enters your home in a one-ton dump truck."

-South Berwick, Maine Police Chief Dana Lajoie, referring to an incident in which 24-year-old Eli T. Hutchins crashed his Ford pickup truck into a condominium. Naked.

According to this story, Mr. Hutchins " drove over lawns and driveways until he hit the structure" after leaving another unit in the complex.

This brief piece from UPI.com gives us a little more insight, reporting that Mr. Hutchins left a nearby party after getting into a fight before embarking on his naked drive. During the fight, reportedly started by Hutchins, he was struck in the head with a hammer.

Alcohol was involved.

Weenie Waver Wednesday, and a new American hero

I found this story a little too late to include it in last week's post. This is a perfect entry for Weenie Waver Wednesday! and it also introduces an excellent candidate for the SRC Prepared American Hero Hall of Fame.

First, the weenie waver.

Meet 46 year old Michael Dick of Gresham, Oregon:



Mr. Dick sauntered, naked, into the Troutdale home of an 88 year old woman at 6:30 in the morning. He "didn't say a word; he just followed her around the room and kept pushing himself against her". He shoved the woman face first into a chair, and then here's where the prepared American hero part comes in.

The 88 year old woman gave Mr. Dick a reverse reach-around, clamping down firmly on Mr. Dick's scrotum and squeezing until he ceased his frottage and ran out of the house. He was arrested a short time later. There's a lovely interview with the woman, identified only as "Jennifer", here:

49 year old Steven Jeffrey Fass of Simpsonville, South Carolina, insomniac and Lexus driver, was stopped by police after being reported for fondling himself while driving naked. When the police stopped him he was sans shirt and shoes, and had a bottle of baby oil and some boxer shorts on the front seat next to him.

This is Roger Arnold of Okeechobee, Florida:



Roger sidled up to the counter of a gas station with a bag of pretzels in front of his crotch, and then exposed himself to the 17 year old girl working the register. The girl stated "that he made several movements to bring her attention to his exposed parts as he lifted his T-shirt and adjusted himself" before leaving the store.

Roger returned 3 days later, and this time the police arrived. According to this article,
Roger

"explained he'd been having zipper issues "as his pants were too tight and the zipper kept going down on its own...He also stated that he guessed it was a bad idea not to wear underwear that day..."

I'll close out this week's feature with the case of Jeffrey Pickett:

Jeffrey Pickett is an aspiring mixed martial arts fighter. He was looking for someone to fight with, and he went to the parking lot of the Walmart in Covington, Georgia. He said he wanted to "practice his tap outs". Believing that it would be easier to find someone to fight with him if he was naked, Mr. Pickett undressed in the parking lot and stood next to his car, waiting for an adversary. The Covington Police Department arrested him for public indecency and he's now awaiting trial in the Newton County Jail.

Weenie Waver Wednesday!

I had an interesting report cross my desk yesterday. One of our local nursing homes reported that an unknown male subject, apparently dressed as a woman in a wig and tights, came in the main entrance while the door was propped open at shift change.

The unknown cross-dresser roamed around, was challenged once or twice in different areas of the facility by employees asking what he was doing there, and eventually left the building after somehow shedding his wig. No thefts were reported, and no one knows what he was doing there. The incident occurred around 10:30 pm. It's possible that he wandered in from the nearby forest preserve and wanted to change clothes before returning home to his family, but as of right now we don't know. Something about this report bothered me, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

Was it the random and unexplained nature of the incident? Was I disturbed by the idea of an anonymous cross-dresser emerging from the forest preserve late at night to roam the halls of a nursing home? Was it the mystery of the disappearing wig?

What it was, was that the combination of forest preserve, cross-dressing and inexplicable behavior reminded me that it's been months since I did a Weenie Waver Wednesday!

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First up, meet 55 year old Hoosier Larry Wayne Williamson. Police were called to investigate a man "masturbating in a public park", but once they arrived they found so much more.



They found Mr. Willaimson "sitting on a picnic table naked, masturbating, with a metal rod protruding from his penis." But wait, that's not all:

A search of Williamson's vehicle, located in the park, uncovered sex toys, binoculars, a small dog, cotton candy, candy, male enhancement pills, energy pills and supplements, marijuana, drug paraphernalia and "a variety of other suspicious and unusual items," according to a Vanderburgh County Sheriff's Department news release.

There was no word on the diameter or length of the metal rod, or its special role in Mr. Williamson's fantasy life.

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Moving north from Indiana to Michigan, we find the case of Swan Creek Township resident Jason Savage.

Mr. Savage, apparently an early riser, was discovered by a police officer at a local car wash at 6:45 am. The officer had been dispatched to investigate a suspicious person. When the officer arrived, he saw Savage in one of the wash bays and heard a vacuum running. As the officer approached he found Savage engaged in an act of copulation with the business end of the vacuum.

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In news from the west, 32 year old Tyson Degenhart of Minden, Nevada, was arrested after exposing himself to a 17 year old girl. Degenhart was nude at the time, and riding a dirt bike. Not content with simply waving his wand at the victim, Mr. Degenhart also led police on a chase, on his dirt bike, naked, until he crashed.

Alcohol was involved. Degenhart's blood alcohol content was more than three times the legal limit. It should be noted that Degenhart was listed as a resident of "Johnson Lane".

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On a reassuring note, it looks like recent reports of predatory clown sightings in Chicago might be nothing more than the most recent incarnation of an urban myth.

A recent post at Second City Cop addresses the issue, and there are some entertaining comments. I especially liked this one:

F*cking clowns. You know, back when coyotes were a problem, the various states and counties paid a bounty for each pelt you brought it.

Tell me why that wouldn't work on clowns.

Urban myth or no, constant vigilance remains the best policy.

What's with all the naked anger?

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
-William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"

Now there's more things in Tennessee
Than is dreamed of in your philosophy.
-Lux Interior, "Cornfed Dames"


Strange doings lately, so strange I'm reluctant to even post them here, but I'll struggle through in the interest of public service. It seems like more and more of the naked walking among us are just plain angry. Sure, we expect the naked to do strange stuff, but we don't necessarily see a naked man or woman and think "honey, fetch my pepper spray and a meat hammer, this looks like trouble". Until now.

Meet 74 year old Donald Kenney of Vancouver, Washington:



Kenney was sunbathing nude at Rooster Rock State Park in Oregon. When a 45 year old man and his two daughters drifted ashore on a raft, Kenney attacked the man with a collapsible police baton, striking him multiple times.

Police in Twinsburg, Ohio, were dispatched to investigate a report of a suspicious man at a BP gas station. The man entered a restroom with several unknown items, only to emerge moments later "naked and mumbling." As is so often the story in cases like this, the naked mumbler got a tasering before he was taken into custody. The mumbler spoke up enough to indicate that he had explosives, and the bomb squad was called out.

30 year old Johnathon Cecil Foster (no photo available) of Kennewick, Washington, was arrested for "allegedly fondling himself while following a garbage truck." Sheesh, if only I had a dollar for every time I'd heard this story:

Foster said he had been in an apartment and had gone outside to drink some alcohol and smoke, Swartswalter said. He told police he then realized he locked himself out and walked over urinated just as the garbage truck pulled up, Swartswalter said.

Foster claimed he had his shorts on the whole time and just dropped them down while relieving himself.

He said he followed the garbage truck because he was upset that the driver was looking at him...

Bath time with the kids went horribly wrong at the Springer household in Fostoria, Ohio. Next thing you know, Mrs. Elizabeth C. Springer, naked, was stabbing Mr. Springer in the leg and biting him in the arm. Police found her hiding in the bushes. Alcohol was involved.

35 year old Charles Sell of Las Vegas got naked and stole a beer from a convenience store. He tried to hug a bus before punching out a window, chasing away the driver and stealing the bus for a short ride. Mr. Sell received some clothing and a free mental health evaluation courtesy of Clark County after he was taken into custody. You can see some fun video from inside the bus here. Check out the cool headed cop who jumps into the slow moving bus and stops it.

Iowa delivers again!

Check out Francis Brandon Arant, white trash ginger freak, and his sidekick/getaway driver Kyle Yoder:

Arant was arrested after a woman found him in her home, naked, at 8:42 am. He left after she yelled at him, and sauntered next door before being picked up by his buddy Kyle. Kyle was drunk, and Francis said he was "under the influence of an illegal substance."



Republican lobbyist and former Nebraska legislative candidate Charles "Chuck" Stepanek pled no contest to a driving under the influence charge on July 28. In exchange for his plea, prosecutors dropped several charges, including possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of marijuana, reckless driving and disturbing the peace.

What got "Chuck" into all this trouble? On May 29, in Lincoln, "Chuck" was seen naked at a convenience store, buying a beverage. He was seen a short time later, still naked, at a car lot. Then he got back in his car and drove into a light pole. "Chuck" initially denied being under the influence of any drugs, and expected to be "fully exonerated." He said at the time of the incident "he was experiencing a mental psychosis because of several setbacks."

Finally we have the Rev. Scott Murray of Haywood County, North Carolina:

Rev. Murray didn't get naked, but he sure got freaky. Rev. Murray broke into a woman's home and stole "a sex toy and a bottle of personal lubricant." He broke his leg running from the crime scene. You can see a TV news report here, featuring interviews with shocked congregation members.

And now, my friends, there's nothing to do but coast until the weekend.

Weenie-Waver Wednesday!

Nothing starts off a weenie-waver Wednesday like a celebrity arrest.

Melinda June posted about the hilariously-named c-lister Andy Dick and his most recent arrest. Even though she beat me to it, the story bears recounting if only because of the opportunity to display what is now my favorite celebrity mugshot:

Alcohol was involved. And, apparently, so was a little weed and some Xanax. Mr. Dick had already encountered the police earlier that evening, and was warned to leave the area or face arrest for public intoxication. Instead he decided to grab a 17 year old girl's boobs and yank her top down, exposing her. Stay classy, Mr. Dick.

We sail tonight for Singapore: Mohammed Ismail Ariffin was sentenced to 14 years in prison, and caned 18 times. Why? Because he was convicted of being a serial armpit-sniffer, victimizing 23 women ranging in age from 9 to 53. To give you an idea of how enthusiastic an armpit sniffer he was, police identified him from the DNA he left at the scene of one encounter. He also did some fondling and exposing of his private parts.

Police in West Reading, PA, encountered 38 year old John Messerly as they investigated reports of a naked man running along the road. As police encounters with naked men so often end, Messerly got some pepper spray and a tasering before he was taken into custody.



According to witnesses, Messerly was scene climbing out of the driver's window and onto the roof of a moving van shortly before it crashed. In interviews with police, Messerly denied climbing onto the roof, and said he was thrown out the window while trying to adjust some lumber that had come loose inside the van. Once he was thrown clear he removed all his clothes because "he was in shock and wanted to see if he had any internal injuries." He also mentioned that he had smoked some crack cocaine the night before and had not slept since.

Florida will not be denied! Police in Boca Raton are searching for a naked man driving around in a maroon sedan and exposing himself to girls on bicycles.

Show me state: Freddie Eugene Philpott, 52, of Washburn, Missouri, faces multiple charges from police in Arkansas and Missouri. He drove his Jeep over a curb, nearly striking several people, and stopped near a group of "special needs" students. He then offered some of the students $20 to help him move some scrap metal. An alert teacher noticed that Mr. Philpott was only wearing underwear, and called police.

In the weeks leading up to this incident, Freddie Philpott had also been arrested or reported to police for attempting to solicit children into his car, driving while intoxicated, crashing his car while driving naked, stalking a mentally handicapped neighbor, and driving naked while masturbating.

While alcohol was involved, so was mental illness, according to Phipott's attorney:

Philpott's attorney, John Mikesch, filed a motion seeking to have Philpott released from the Benton County Jail and transferred to a mental-health facility in Nixa, Mo...

Mikesch said Philpott has a history of mental illness and has been declared a disabled and incapacitated person by the 39 th Judicial Circuit Court in Cassville, Mo. Philpott has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type; substance abuse; mixed personality disorder; and an additional undiagnosed psychosis, according to court documents. Philpott is also described as mildly mentally retarded with a learning disability, court documents state.

More naked driving, with rage:



38 year old Rachel Hansen of Midvale, Utah, rammed the car of a couple of guys who were out looking for a cat. She rammed their car twice, then got out of her car to argue with them. Naked. They grabbed her keys and she chased a young girl into a nearby house. Naked Rachel kicked the door in and then waited for police inside the home. Much of this event was captured on a neighbor's security camera, and you can see some fun video here.

Oh, Canada: "Ridge Meadows RCMP got a call that a naked man had stolen a pair of coveralls and a five-tonne truck from a farm in Maple Ridge and driven off..."

I won't say too much about this next story. While technically occurring within the privacy of her own home, the fact that this story contains Okies and "crimes against nature" meant that I had to include it.

This here is Diane Sue Whalen.



Think of the most mortifying situation you can think of. Say, accidentally walking in on your parents knocking boots, or your kid finding your toy box, or the most embarrassing moment from a Ben Stiller movie, and then multiply that by a bazillion.

Think about your kid, who is house sitting for you and taking care of your dogs, finding your stash of "193 CD-ROMs and DVDs, 67 VHS tapes, 12 cassette tapes, two floppy discs, two computer flash drives and one photo album" all allegedly showing Ms. Whalen getting busy with her dogs. The son, reeling from lord only knows what kind of psychic trauma at that point, and probably requiring medical treatment for painful burning eyeballs, turned the material over to the police.

You read that correctly. The dogs are now in protective custody and have been neutered to prepare them for adoption.

And, finally, this. Jeffrey Bradford, a pilot for Pinnacle Airlines, and Adriana Connor, a flight attendant for the same company, were both arrested in Pennsylvania. The couple decided to get busy in the woods on their way back to their motel. At some point during the proceedings Bradford wandered off, naked. Ms. Connor ended up sitting in a Chevy Tahoe parked at the home of the local fire chief, and when the chief investigated Connor told him there was a naked man in the woods.

Bradford was arrested after he turned up in someone's backyard requesting a pair of shorts. He was taken into custody wearing a pair of flip-flops and a wristwatch, in perfect porno style except for his lack of black gold-toe socks.

Alcohol was involved in a big way. Bradford and Connor are pictured here as they appeared in court. Note that Ms. Connor is hiding behind the brown paper evidence bag used to store prisoner property, a nice touch.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy V-Day, tiger.

Lately all kinds of strange yet alluring chicks have been stopping by the Compound for no apparent reason. I can't explain it, but I'm not arguing with it either.

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Anyway, it's Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day, all you wonderful readers!

The lovely and hilarious Katie Schwartz helped put me in a romantic mood by sending me this picture
along with a link to this article: Gary Coleman weds quietly in Nevada.

Yes, it was a small ceremony, held back in August, but revealed to the world just in time for the holiday of love! Evidently Gary decided to take a page out of the Dennis Kucinich playbook and hitch himself to a hot redhead twice his height. The bride, Shannon Price, is described in this article as "a great e-Bayer...a fabulous e-Bayer."

Best wishes you crazy kids!

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I've changed the tunes for the holiday, giving the blog a classy all-Cramps romantic soundtrack for the weekend:

The Most Exalted Potentate of Love
Let's Get Fucked Up
What's Inside a Girl
Cornfed Dames
(Hot Pool Of) Womanneed

If anyone in 1956 had known this was how rockabilly would turn out, they would've strung up Elvis on the spot.

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Next up is a handy travel guide from Radar Online: The Geography of Desire. (Warning, some links on that page NSFW.) It's a love-map of the greatest nation in the world, the US of A, providing interesting tidbits like these:

• Madera (CA) hosts the highest percentage of men under 25 seeking women over 50. They say you can smell the Chanel No 5 for miles.
• Albany (NY) has the highest percentage of Muslim singles seeking Jews in the country.
• Oregon rents the highest percentage of Hentai, or pornographic cartoons, of any state in the union.
• South Carolina has the highest percentage of female porn enthusiasts in the country.
• The gentlemen of Danville (IL) top the list of those open to women who use smokeless tobacco—pucker up.
• Fast-clicking Coloradoans rent more porn online per capita than any other state.

Moving right along, here's a spot where you can buy "purposeful products to help you encourage God's people." Many of the Valentine messages from God are sold out, but you can still get a magnet set:

For those of you thinking slightly less long-term than an eternity in heaven, there are these heart-shaped sweetheart grave markers.

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Now, on to the freaks.

Former freak of the week Carlton Davis, the Minnesota Toe-Licker, was back in the news recently. Mr. Davis was sentenced to probation for an incident in which he robbed a woman on a Minneapolis street, ordered her to remove her shoes, and then licked her toes.

There's nothing like a couple of drunk, sexed-up hillbillies out for a joyride. Police in Nitro, West Virginia investigated a one-car crash and found a shirtless man running from the scene with his pants unzipped. A woman left behind at the crash claimed to be the driver, but once she found out the penalties for DUI identified the man as the driver. The cause of the crash? Wait for it...

Road head.

Drunken road head, specifically--Matthew Justin Clark, receiver of the road head, had a blood alcohol content of .211 and was driving on a revoked license. Katie Ann Stewart, provider of the road head, had a blood alcohol content of .12. Their parents must be very proud.

In more traffic-related news, police in Cumberland County, Maine, are looking for this man:
The Sheriff's Department has received six reports that this man, dressed in "women’s underwear, a garter belt and black high-heel boots", has pulled in front of women drivers, jumped out of his vehicle and modeled his attire in the roadway.

Not all naked people are lovers. Many are fighters. Like 28-year old Peter Lu of Peekskill, New York. Lu, described in this article as a "naked martial arts expert", fought four police officers on the appropriately-named Hardscrabble Road before being Tasered twice and taken down.

Finally, in news closer to home, 27-year old Izaac T. Channen got arrested by the Des Plaines Police Department. All because he wanted to go to church wearing a bra filled with water balloons, argued with his friend who refused to take Izaac to church dressed like that, took the friend's car keys and refused to return them, and then fought with the police who arrived to investigate.

I like to sign off on a pleasant note, so here it is, a nice Valentine card for all of you:

Time for the midweek freak

Yes, it's Wednesday, and that means one thing here at the compound: weenie wavers. Let's take a look at this week's collection of naked and near-naked freaks.

There was something of a recent epidemic of driving without pants.

William W. Donnell, a truck driver from Tennessee, was stopped by the Indiana State Police. The trooper got a surprise when Mr. Donnell was discovered to be sans pantalon. Mr. Donnell explained that he was more comfortable driving without pants on.

Kim Leblanc of Cincinnati has a more interesting explanation of why he was found inside someone else's automobile, naked from the waist down. He said a leprechaun had let him into the car! The news report says that Mr. Leblanc is still in custody "on a variety of charges." Oh, one more thing, and this may surprise you--drugs were involved.

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Moving on to other assorted freakery...

An unknown strip club patron in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, was arrested for solicitation of prostitution. Police arrived at the club after the man groped a stripper, opened his pants and exposed his penis. The man explained to officers that the stripper had promised to perform an act of oral copulation on him for $500. He helpfully explained this several times, even after being advised of his rights. The stripper claimed the $500 was for a bottle of champagne, so in that way I suppose alcohol was involved.



What is it about conservative Republicans and public toilet sex? Louisiana State Senate Candidate, former Louisiana GOP Executive Committee member and St Bernard Parish councilman Joey DiFatta suddenly dropped out of the race citing "chest pains."

Chest pains? Yeah, brought on by the stress of having the New Orleans Times Picayune reveal that he'd been stopped at least twice before doing variations of the old toe-tapping routine in public toilets.

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And now we arrive at our last story. First, let me say that Florida has come through for me once again. Thank you, Sunshine State!

50-year old Thomas Blacine was arrested after a police dog tracked his scent. Blacine is believed to be "The Naked Tickler", suspected of breaking into at least a dozen homes since 2004, naked, and tickling women while they sleep. He has also videotaped women, and videotaped himself engaging in such antics as urinating into a milk jug.

Blacine reportedly admitted to videotaping women, but denied tickling them.

Germany or Florida: Lucky 13

It's been far too long since we've played Germany or Florida. From time to time I find and bookmark suitable news items, and then they sit in my “ideas for blog posts” file. And sit, and sit, dying the slow sad death of the unpublished blog post.

Not today, dammit!

Today is going to be different! Today, my life will have meaning! Today, I will use all those Germany or Florida stories!

Let's get started.

I will give you a list of news items with a brief description of each. You guess whether the story comes from Germany or Florida. On Tuesday or Wednesday I'll publish the original stories, and whichever lucky reader gets the most correct answers will get nothing and like it. No, wait, that doesn't sound right. Here, how's this: whoever gets the most correct answers will have the satisfaction of knowing he or she is the most discerning of SRC readers. I might even send the winner my award-winning recipe for pruno.

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Germany or Florida?

1. A man stabs his friend in the back with a fish.

2. A bus driver tries to kick a woman off his bus for being too hot.

3. Police don't charge man who upset his neighbors by throwing a computer out the window.

4. A man is arrested for beating his brother with a garden gnome.

5. Family members are arrested for giving alcohol to a 10 month old baby and videotaping it.

6. Zookeepers get in trouble for killing animals and selling them as meat.

7. Police, alerted by neighbors complaining of a bad smell and uncollected mail, do a premise check expecting to find a corpse. They find a man with hygiene problems and dirty laundry.

8. A hospital patient bit a nurse in the face and armpit when the nurse refused to give the patient more painkillers.

9. A naked tattooed woman is spotted gassing up her sports car and buying smokes.
   

10. A man asks a passing police car for a ride, and gets arrested because he forgot to dump the weed he was carrying at the time.

11. A 480 pound woman dies after spending 6 years on the couch.

12. A 340 pound man is sentenced to 18 months in prison for repeatedly playing dine n' ditch.

13. A stripper performs CPR on her customer after he falls out during her performance.

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I'd like to take a moment to thank Dena, Katy and Beth for sending me some good stories over the past couple of months.

See you tomorrow.