Law Enforcement Quote of the Week: naked dump truck edition

"It's a tense situation when someone enters your home in a one-ton dump truck."

-South Berwick, Maine Police Chief Dana Lajoie, referring to an incident in which 24-year-old Eli T. Hutchins crashed his Ford pickup truck into a condominium. Naked.

According to this story, Mr. Hutchins " drove over lawns and driveways until he hit the structure" after leaving another unit in the complex.

This brief piece from UPI.com gives us a little more insight, reporting that Mr. Hutchins left a nearby party after getting into a fight before embarking on his naked drive. During the fight, reportedly started by Hutchins, he was struck in the head with a hammer.

Alcohol was involved.

My St. Patrick's Day advice to you

If your elderly dad is a double amputee and confined to a wheelchair, it's probably not a good idea to leave your raging alcoholic brother at home to care for him. When dad gets home from dialysis, and little brother decides to pull him up the front stairs in his wheelchair without strapping him in, it will not end well.

Zulu shows us some love, and a cautionary tale

The Zulu parade put on by the Zulu Social Aid and Pleasure Club is the best parade we've seen. Best floats, best entertainment, best throws.

We found a spot right where the parade turns onto Canal Street from Saint Charles and all of a sudden I was getting hit with all kinds of beads and medallions.



Here's the view looking away from the river up Canal Street:

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Sprawling Ramshackle Compound Presents:

A CAUTIONARY TALE

Alone and staggering shitfaced drunk on a side street is no way to find yourself at noon in New Orleans. That's how we found Drunky McBaggypants in between the Zulu and Rex parades. I first noticed him when I heard the driver of a pickup truck saying "you gotta move brother, I gotta pull out". Drunky was leaning his head on the side of the pickup, asleep and standing. I got the camera out just a little too late to catch him reeling away from the truck as it pulled out.

He swung out wide onto Poydras and almost went into the street

Then he overcompensated and lurched back to starboard

If you ever wondered how tourists get robbed, this is a good example. His wallet was visible in his left rear pocket and he was close to sleepwalking. Heck, I was tempted to roll him myself. Finally he reached the relative stability of a wrought iron fence, which is where we left him.



I can only hope that no smartass does a meanspirited photo documentary about my antics tonight...

Looking back to look ahead: Threat assessment 2009

Sometimes the work just becomes too much. Sorting through dozens of Google news alerts on an hourly basis, scanning the RSS feeds of various news outlets in Florida, working my network of informants...you get the idea. I end up with more source material than time to share it with you.

Consider this post a new year grab bag of menace and freakery, a loose collection of items that caught my attention but that didn't make their way onto these pages. Until now. Or maybe it's more of a big, greasy buffet--feel free to take your time, leave for a while, and come back later for more. Take some time and follow a few of the links. There's a lot here, and you probably won't feel too good if you consume it all at once.

If the brave new science of narcozoology tells us anything, it's that anecdotal evidence is usually the best evidence. This allows yours truly to boldly identify future trends and threats based on the vast sweep of my prior research.

Here we go...

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We begin in Florida. In addition to being afflicted by alligator attacks, plagues of walking fish, pythons and insect infestation, Florida is now a hot zone for two emerging crime patterns:

1) Hammer vs edged weapon duels: The first incident was reported here in October 2008, when an argument between two men escalated. One man grabbed a hammer and started swinging; his opponent grabbed a letter opener and stabbed away. The stabber came out on top.

Now, in a stunning development, a similar incident has been reported in Panama City Beach. This contest ended in a draw--James Allen Spray suffered head injuries at the hands of hammer-wielder Richard Charles Burger, but in turn inflicted knife wounds on the stomach of Mr. Burger.

2) Food as weapon: While arguments over food frequently result in domestic battery in sun-baked, crack addled Florida, there have been several recent incidents in which food is not the subject of the fight, but rather the weapon used to win it. Three such incidents were reported within a two-week period between November 18 and December 3, 2008:

Meet 19 year old Emmanuel Rodriguez.



Mr. Rodriguez got in an argument with his baby mama after she picked Mr. Rodriguez up at his mom's house. Baby mama was driving, and their 7 month old child was asleep in the back seat. The couple argued, and Mr. Rodriguez hit baby mama in the face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off and almost causing her to crash the car. Mr. Rodriguez told police he threw the sandwich at her because he didn't want to hit her.

Happy Thanksgiving, bitch!

46 year old Christopher Ford of Hobe Sound, Florida, was not making a political statement with his pie throwing.

On Thanksgiving day Mr. Ford was unhappy with the food that had been prepared by his live-in girlfriend of seven years. In order to express his displeasure he picked up a delicious, but piping hot, sweet potato pie and threw it in the victim's face, burning her. He ran off when her teenage children came out of their rooms to investigate and was arrested later.



Victor Gonzalez, 22, of Vero Beach, repeatedly smashed a McDonald's cheeseburger into his girlfriend's face during an argument.

**Note: There was an apparently unrelated incident in Ypsilanti, Michigan, in June 2008. In that case 40 year old Frederick McKaney stabbed his mother when she wouldn't give him money. He rode away on his bicycle and

"A short time later, he encountered two other women talking on the sidewalk on Woodbridge Street. The woman said he said something nasty to them and hit one of them over the head with 10 pounds of frozen chicken."

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Some citizens in Florida are turning to cougar ownership (the four-legged kind) as a crime deterrent. A 70 pound pet cougar named "Chaos" mauled a 16 year old girl when her male companion burglarized the house the where the cougar lived, and brought a girlfriend inside to show off the cat.

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I'm thinking of giving an annual "PREPARED AMERICAN" award to honor people who best exemplify that plucky can-do American survivalist spirit. A couple years back a veteran named Dale Rippy was attacked by a wild bobcat. Enduring the animal's biting and clawing, he managed to grab the beast by its throat and choke it to death. Now joining Mr. Rippy in the SRC Hall of Prepared American Heroes is Arizona hiker Michelle Felicetta.

Ms. Felicetta was hiking near Prescott when she was confronted in the trail by a fox. When she saw the blood lust in the creature's eyes she tried to back away, but the fox attacked. It attacked her foot, and then sank its fangs into her arm. Did Ms. Felicetta panic? HELL NO SHE DIDN'T! She grabbed the fox in a chokehold and ran a mile back to her car, with the fox hanging from her arm by its fangs. She pried the fox loose, wrapped it in a sweatshirt and trapped it in the trunk of her car so she could get it tested for rabies. The fox was rabid, by the way.

The Arizona incident was merely one in a brutal series of rabid fox attacks sweeping the nation. 66 year old Margaret Burhenn of Spottsylvania, Virginia, was ambushed in her own back yard and nearly chewed to pieces by a marauding rabid fox. An intrepid neighbor killed the beast with a shovel. Authorities reported that this was the third such incident in that region between January and May.

It goes without saying that nature hates us. While animals (except for alligators and certain exotic pets, of course) do not require the same high level of vigilance as, say, clowns or furries, they still bear watching. The following incidents might be seen by some as proof that the end times draw nearer.

In April 2008 over 70 Mexican police were hospitalized after a swarm of Africanized killer bees attacked their firearms range. Authorities suspect that Mexico's violent drug lords might have been behind the attack, raising the specter of killer Africanized narco-bees.

A group of Russian geologists was besieged by a platoon of over 30 hungry bears.

Mountain lions attempted to take advantage of the chaos caused by the fox attacks, and launched deadly missions of their own. The attempted cougar invasion of Chicago in April was well-publicized. The 150 pound scout cougar infiltrated the north side of Chicago after working its way south through the north suburbs. It died in a hail of police gunfire before it could inflict any human casualties. Less well-publicized was the stealthy attack launched by a ninja panther against a rural home in Newton County, Missouri. That effort also ended badly for the panther:

Panther Shot, Killed After Attacking Home

And now, back to Florida.

In addition to everything else, Florida now has a monkey problem as well. Troops of feral monkeys are rampaging through Polk County, Florida. There are two great quotes in this story:

"People don't know what they are," said Wehrmann, a St. Petersburg veterinarian. "People think they are squirrels."

"You don't think about monkeys in this part of Florida," said Clark, a retired agriculture teacher from Plant City High School.

Ok...first, your average Floridian can't tell the difference between a squirrel and a monkey. Second, monkeys in "this" part of Florida might be unusual? As opposed to all the other parts of Florida, where presumably they're just scampering around just as common as...uh...squirrels?

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I am currently exploring the nexus between Walmart and attacks by venomous insects and reptiles. I'm not sure what the connection is yet, but as soon as I have a working theory I'll let you know.

In March, a 44 year old man in Marana, Arizona, was bitten on the arm by a Western Diamondback Rattlesnake while attempting to purchase some lava rocks from his local Walmart.

In May, a 12 year old West Virginia girl was stung by a scorpion while picking out a juicy seedless watermelon at her local Walmart.

In July, a Pembroke Pines man (Florida again!) was bitten by a pygmy rattlesnake while buying plants from the Walmart garden center.

Walmart should have known they had a problem as far back as July 2006, when a wheelchair-bound man was bitten by a pygmy rattlesnake at the Sanford, Florida Walmart. I cannot believe that their failure to deal with their venomous insect and reptile problem has not resulted in a class-action lawsuit.

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This should not surprise any regular reader of this blog, but naked people continued to be one of the most serious threats of 2008. I expect this trend to continue, unabated, in 2009.

Legless, naked and drunk is no way to drive a car. Just ask John E. Carlon, who was arrested in Youngstown, Ohio in August after crashing into a couple of cars, while driving drunk and naked from the waist down. Perhaps he wasn't wearing pants because he doesn't have any legs. The report does not say.

Meet Holly Kay Highfield:



This picture was taken while Ms. Highfield was in the custody of the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office. While driving an SUV with three kids in it, she deliberately rammed a bicyclist. She then got into another car that had stopped to help the bicyclist, and smashed into her own car. At some point a 14 year old boyscout rescued the kids who were in Ms. Highfield's auto. Ms. Highfield then smashed the carjacked car into a fence, got out, and ran around in circles disrobing until she was naked. She fought with several officers, and remarkably enough did not get tasered.

Alcohol was involved.

This guy gives Bubs a bad name:

Mr. Bub Bamford, of Anderson, California, crashed his car on "Balls Ferry Road". He abandoned his car, and his injured passenger, and took off running. Bub was found by police hiding in a rosebush. Naked. Drunk.

An unknown man in Santa Ana, California, crashed his van into another car and drove away. When the police caught up with him he almost backed into the patrol car, and then refused to show his hands or exit the vehicle. After he was tasered, the cops discovered he was also naked.

Japanese police are, evidently, less likely to taser the naked. A bald white tourist threw rocks and charged police with a large stick before jumping into the moat in front of the Imperial Palace. Click here for the story and video hilarity.



This is a "wizzer" saw. Firefighters in Newburgh, New York, were called to a local hospital, and used one of these to cut a length of steel pipe off of an unknown 73-year old man's penis. In an example of wonderful emergency services understatement, "Authorities said the pipe was apparently an erotic aid, but did not elaborate".

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I've always thought of Australians as being a lot like American rednecks, but with a different accent. They certainly hold their own in the naked/drunk/reckless category compared to their American cousins:

An unknown Australian was arrested after repeatedly exposing himself, and firing a nail gun at passing motor vehicles.

Here is a new favorite headline, courtesy of The Daily Telegraph:

Driver abuses speed limit, and himself, court told

In brief: 39 year old Brendon Alan Erhardt, father of three, was stopped for driving 93 miles per hour. He was masturbating and video recording himself as he did so. In his car he had 5 kilograms of weed, two cannabis plants, some drug pipes and a loaded .22 rifle that he claimed he was using to shoot at passing kangaroos. He claimed to have found the weed at a rest stop, and said he was going to smoke it all himself. No self-taping high speed jerkoff artist would want anyone to think he's a common dope dealer.

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Christmas season in Florida:

Roy Ronald Rowell, Jr. of Destin was arrested after exposing himself to a family as they walked their dog on Christmas day. Roy used the old "hole cut out of the crotch of the running pants" technique, and got the victims' attention by saying "nice dog." Roy also exposed himself to the cop who arrived to arrest him.

43 year old Roderick Woodruff, transient, got his drink on at the beach in Siesta Key, and decided to expose himself to several women and children in the area. When police arrived he stripped totally naked, said that he didn't have to do what the police told him to since it was a public beach, and then threatened to kill the deputy. Here's his booking photo from the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office. Does this look like a drunk weenie-waver to you?

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Carrying the crazy into the new year is Provo, Utah resident Heather Lynn Best:



Heather went on a "nude rampage" involving broken dishes and furniture, an exotic bird, the neighbors and a fight with the cops. Methamphetamine.

Heather is now the second naked, rampaging woman from Utah to be featured here. In July, Rachel Joann Hanson was mentioned as part of Weenie Waver Wednesday!

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Then there's just the creepy. Not weenie wavers, drunks, or dope fiends or any combination of that. These are the people compelled by forces they don't comprehend, doing whatever the demons rattling around in their heads tell them to do.

People like:

Columbus, Ohio resident Alan D. Patton. Urine collector.

Ben Hawkins, 44, of Cincinnati. Underwear researcher.

Dmitriy Sklyarov, self-professed white supremacist, who left 13 bitemarks on a 9 year old child left in his care, and called a local high school to announce that he had placed black magic spells that would cause death for their teachers.

Stamford, Connecticut janitor Felicito Gonzalez, cheapskate and voyeur, who positioned a cell phone in a basket of toilet paper to take pictures of women in a train station restroom.



Hilariously-named Wesley Cox, 44, of Boulder, Colorado, freak and voyeur. Cox was caught trying to videotape his neighbors through their window. A subsequent search warrant discovered "a myriad of underwear and other items of clothing, including Boulder High School cheerleading outfits."

Make-believe dentist Carlos Flores of Peekskill, New York, who got arrested for running a fake dental practice and possession of controlled substances, while using tools like this to work on his "patients":

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I'm not going to go into the clown stuff now. Y'all have put up with enough of that in the past couple of days, and I don't want to lose readers. Alligators will get their own post in the near future.

Let's all take a deep breath, draw our shoulders back and greet the coming year with hope, fortitude and CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

And the winner is...

Thanks for playing everyone! I apologize for not getting the results posted sooner.

A few notes before we announce the winner. Germany or Florida is a difficult game, and guessing the correct answer is more of an art than a science. At the height of its popularity on the show Loveline, Dr. Drew got approximately 40% correct, and Adam Corolla 55%. In other words, you're doing really well if you approach anything over 50% accuracy.

As I have stated before, there are a number of subtle cultural clues that can help:

Sausage=Germany
Crack cocaine=Florida
Fetish or weird sex=Germany
Nudity=Germany
Monkeys=Germany
Inept criminals with poorly thought out plans=Florida
Cannibalism and/or body parts=Germany (Is this where Wisconsin gets it?)
Domestic violence=Florida
Pitbulls and/or gunplay=Florida
Religious zealotry=Florida

Incest and morbid obesity can go either way. It bears repeating, though, that none of these single clues are 100% accurate. Now, on to the winners of

Germany or Florida: Amputee Criminal Holiday Edition!

Third place was an impressive four-way tie among Skylersdad, Dale, Freida and Spartacus, with 8 correct answers. Well done, folks!

Second place was a tie between Bill T. and Bad Tempered Zombie, with 10 correct answers.

And the winner is...Eebie, with 11 correct answers! Eebie will be receiving a copy of Peeping Tom by Jack Woodford, published in 1948 by the Diversey Publishing Corporation of Chicago:



According to the back cover, this book is "uninhibited and racy." It must be, because an earlier owner underlined those very words:



I've printed the questions below, with the origin of each story highlighted at the end. My comments are in red. I liked the problem-solving strategies that a lot of readers used in the comments, too.

1) A man and woman got in an argument over her misplaced false teeth. The man gave her what she called “flying lessons”, throwing her up into the air and onto the kitchen floor. She grabbed a knife and threatened to kill him. FLORIDA
Classic domestic violence=Florida.

2) A pregnant woman wearing a cap, sunglasses and rubber gloves attempted to rob a bank. She also brought her toddler along. FLORIDA
The rubber gloves might have suggested a fetish angle (Germany) but the correct call was made by Bill T and Cormac Brown: the toddler. Cormac suggested, rightly, that daycare would have been available in Germany, and Bill seemed to grab the overall white-trashitude of bringing your kid along on a badly thought-out score.

3) Police officers sent to investigate a loud party were mistaken for strippers by the raucous female partygoers. GERMANY

4) A man was arrested after offering to pay for his takeout order with marijuana. FLORIDA FLORIDA FLORIDA

5) Parents want a teacher fired after she performed a striptease for her teenaged students. GERMANY
This was, perhaps, the toughest question. Hot teacher said Florida, but nudity says Germany. Her dance was captured on video:



6) A boy was blasted through the window of a bathroom after making a stinky poo, spraying air freshener to cover the smell, and playing with a lighter. GERMANY

7) A woman dropped by a man’s apartment to smoke some crack. While waiting, she opened some canned sardines and some sausages, enraging him. He beat her and got arrested. FLORIDA
Crack cocaine and interpersonal violence trump sardines and sausage, making Florida the correct call.

8) An unknown amputee, missing both arms, managed to steal a 24” television set. He got two people to assist in somehow clamping the television to his chest before walking out. He was not caught; the theft was discovered later after when the security video was reviewed. GERMANY
What I didn't make clear was that the two people who helped the offender were strangers to him. That made it a clear Germany story--a criminal in Florida who planned on the kindness of strangers would have been victimized himself.

9) A man in a wheelchair robbed a bank. He was captured minutes later, a block away from the bank. He initially told cops he was forced to do it by two armed men who took the money from him. The cash was found in his prosthetic leg. FLORIDA
Classic poorly thought out Florida crime. In this case, alcohol was involved:

10) A man turned on the gas in his apartment to kill himself after his girlfriend dumped him. When the girlfriend stopped by later to pick up her things, she lit a cigarette and caused an explosion. The man was charged with murder after his neighbor died in the explosion. GERMANY

11) This area is experiencing a critical shortage of shopping center Santas. Successful candidates need a “clean police record.” GERMANY
Another really tough choice.

12) A 37 year old man living with his parents was arrested for attempting to attack his father with the family Christmas tree. FLORIDA
Once again, domestic violence=Florida.

13) A 56 year old man was stripped of his gun license after a home inspection revealed the gun was hidden under a pillow in his bed. The man’s home was being checked because he had threatened to “throw a hand grenade” if the city council approved plans for a high voltage power line near his house. GERMANY
The most popular places to keep guns in Florida are where they are easily accessible. Places like under a pillow, or in a glove box of an unlocked car. While the crank threat against public officials sounds American, I can't imagine police in Florida inspecting a home for guns. They don't have enough cops or a big enough overtime budget for that.

14) A drug dealer escaped from prison by concealing himself in a large cardboard box, which was then carried out of the facility by a courier service along with other packages. GERMANY

15) A 28 year old woman was arrested after a man came home to find the drunk woman on his roof, drinking beer, and refusing to come down unless he gave her more beer. FLORIDA

16) After drinking with a friend, a man burglarized a preschool to steal toys as holiday gifts for his children. Police found a stolen see-saw, a desk easel and some Frisbees in the man’s yard. FLORIDA

17) A woman suspected that her husband was cheating on her. She demanded that he allow her to smell his penis to determine if her fears were true. When she went to sniff, he punched her in the head, kicked her when she was on the floor, and left before the cops arrived. FLORIDA
While there might have been a fetish aspect to the penis-sniffing, this is really straight up Florida trash. Bacon Lady nailed this one, and pointed out that there is a popular rap song titled, appropriately enough, "Smell Yo Dick". The artist, Riskay-The Drama Queen, hails from Bartow in central Florida.

Germany or Florida: Amputee criminal holiday edition!

Happy holidays everyone!

With Hanukkah and Christmas right around the corner, I figured it’s time to sneak in one last Germany or Florida for the year. Since it’s the holiday season and I'm a festive bastard, I’m going to do something different and award a prize for this contest. The winner will receive a vintage pulp paperback of my choosing.

In the event that two or more contestants tie, I have no idea what I’ll do. I’ll figure something out. Maybe a 3 question lightning round tie-breaker, or perhaps both winners will get a prize, or you’ll both get nothing and like it, dammit.

UPDATED: Post your answers in the comments by 6pm, CST, Sunday, December 28th. There are some tough choices here, and I'll tell you up front that the bold "all Germany" or "all Florida" play won't work this time.

Here we go:

1) A man and woman got in an argument over her misplaced false teeth. The man gave her what she called “flying lessons”, throwing her up into the air and onto the kitchen floor. She grabbed a knife and threatened to kill him.

2) A pregnant woman wearing a cap, sunglasses and rubber gloves attempted to rob a bank. She also brought her toddler along.

3) Police officers sent to investigate a loud party were mistaken for strippers by the raucous female partygoers.

4) A man was arrested after offering to pay for his takeout order with marijuana.

5) Parents want a teacher fired after she performed a striptease for her teenaged students.

6) A boy was blasted through the window of a bathroom after making a stinky poo, spraying air freshener to cover the smell, and playing with a lighter.

7) A woman dropped by a man’s apartment to smoke some crack. While waiting, she opened some canned sardines and some sausages, enraging him. He beat her and got arrested.

8) An unknown amputee, missing both arms, managed to steal a 24” television set. He got two people to assist in somehow clamping the television to his chest before walking out. He was not caught; the theft was discovered later after when the security video was reviewed.

9) A man in a wheelchair robbed a bank. He was captured minutes later, a block away from the bank. He initially told cops he was forced to do it by two armed men who took the money from him. The cash was found in his prosthetic leg.

10) A man turned on the gas in his apartment to kill himself after his girlfriend dumped him. When the girlfriend stopped by later to pick up her things, she lit a cigarette and caused an explosion. The man was charged with murder after his neighbor died in the explosion.

11) This area is experiencing a critical shortage of shopping center Santas. Successful candidates need a “clean police record.”

12) A 37 year old man living with his parents was arrested for attempting to attack his father with the family Christmas tree.

13) A 56 year old man was stripped of his gun license after a home inspection revealed the gun was hidden under a pillow in his bed. The man’s home was being checked because he had threatened to “throw a hand grenade” if the city council approved plans for a high voltage power line near his house.

14) A drug dealer escaped from prison by concealing himself in a large cardboard box, which was then carried out of the facility by a courier service along with other packages.

15) A 28 year old woman was arrested after a man came home to find the drunk woman on his roof, drinking beer, and refusing to come down unless he gave her more beer.

16) After drinking with a friend, a man burglarized a preschool to steal toys as holiday gifts for his children. Police found a stolen see-saw, a desk easel and some Frisbees in the man’s yard.

17) A woman suspected that her husband was cheating on her. She demanded that he allow her to smell his penis to determine if her fears were true. When she went to sniff, he punched her in the head, kicked her when she was on the floor, and left before the cops arrived.

On, Wisconsin!

On, Wisconsin! On, Wisconsin!

Grand old Badger state!

We, thy loyal sons and daughters

Hail thee good and great.

On, Wisconsin! On, Wisconsin!

Champion of the right.

"Forward," our motto - God

Will give thee might!

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God may give many things to our cheese eating, brandy swilling neighbors to the north, but giving new life to the decomposing corpse of your 90 year old grandmother is not one of them.

Tammy Lewis of Necedah, Wisconsin, was recognized as Freak of the Week on this blog back in May 2008: Freak of the week: midweek sex & death edition. Ms. Lewis, aka Sister Mary Bernadett, was arrested, along with self-styled "Bishop" Alan Bushey (pronounced boo-shay), for keeping the decomposing body of Lewis' grandmother propped up on a toilet for several months while they cashed her checks and Bushey promised to eventually raise her from the dead.

Lewis was back in the news this week as she reached a plea agreement:

Wis. woman pleads no contest in toilet corpse case

Wisconsin authorities, relieved that Lewis did not engage in the usual Wisconsin style necrophilia and cannibalism, agreed to let her plead no contest to misdemeanor charges. Lewis' defense attorney, Dan Berkos, is hopeful:

"She has made some really great progress emotionally and even physically. She is looking forward. She is no longer looking backward at how things should have been different. Everybody is geared toward reunifying her with the kids and getting the family back together."

That could happen within the next year, "assuming things go well," he said.

District Attorney Scott Southworth says the case was handled as well as it could have been:

"I realize some people may say she just got off with a slap on the hand or whatever," he said. "There is a volume of information on the case, a lot of which I cannot divulge to the public. Based on everything we learned, I do believe this was a fair and just way of handling her matter."

35 year old Daniel Shilts of Waldo, Wisconsin, was was pulled over in the city of Plymouth after an officer saw him driving erratically. Shilts eventually crashed into a pole at a gas station. Shilts was arrested after (surprise!) failing sobriety tests. On the way into the police station, Shilts urinated all over the back of the squad car. He also managed to aim between the center divider separating the front and back seats, and whizzed on the back of the arresting officer's head. Mr. Shilts is no stranger to the criminal justice system:

Shilts was charged with misdemeanor fourth-offense operating while intoxicated, felony discharging bodily fluids at a public safety worker, misdemeanor operating after revocation and three felony counts of bail jumping tied to other pending felony cases. He could face up to 15.5 years in prison, if convicted on all counts.

Following, as it does, within weeks of the arrest of Manitowoc resident Torey Devaux for urinating on a dog during a domestic disturbance, I'm prepared to go on the record as saying that Wisconsin is now on the brink of a new "golden age" of freakery. Move over, necrophilia and cannibalism--Wisconsin also stakes a claim on urophilia!

Freak of the Week: Post Election Edition!

Sure, some of you people are still walking around all happy and starry-eyed, celebrating Tuesday's victory.

Not me.

An Obama presidency may change a lot of things, but until I see concrete proposals on how his administration plans on addressing the serious concerns I have, I will not let my guard down. No sir. Until I see that "yes, we can" means "yes, we can finally deal with our alligator problem" or "yes, we can carry out preventive detention on a large segment of the clowning community" my personal watchword will remain, as always:

Constant Vigilance!

Yesterday was, as I read somewhere, a day of "happy stupor" for many of us, so there was no Weenie Waver Wednesday. I will endeavor to make up for that by presenting you with my post election Freak of the Week.

I know everyone had such a good time voting Tuesday that I wanted to give you all an opportunity to vote again. It is the Chicago way.

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I was not able to find a picture of Mr. Metin Erzurum, and I apologize for that. Mr. Erzurum was arrested after department store employees found him in the morning snuggled up in a display window, having apparently engaged in a menage-a-trois with some mannequins. It is unknown whether or not Erzurum is a repeat offender; for right now the official Mannequin Fetishist of Sprawling Ramshackle Compound remains Ronald Dotson, who was featured here in January 2007.

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Meet Daniel Cunningham of Kalihi, Hawaii.

Daniel Cunningham was identified as the landlord of a building that collapsed. It turns out that Cunningham had constructed a, eh, ramshackle structure that he rented rooms in. The structure consisted largely of metal scaffolding and tarps arranged in a warren of rooms and passageways. Several of his tenants are now planning to sue him.

Why am I telling you about this, you ask. Since when does a slumlord qualify to compete for the coveted Freak of the Week? When that slumlord is a former chiropractor who lost his license for giving mysterious "injections", and is known as "the guy who wears socks on his hands" and is a perpetual candidate for local office who founded the "Free Energy Party" based on "the technical reality of having free electricity", well, then, I'd say he qualifies. Oh, it looks like he also used some of the tenants "as lab rats" going so far as to blind one of them by injecting an unknown substance into the skin near his eyes.

When questioned by a local reporter about these "treatments" Cunningham took a page from the GOP playbook and blamed the media. Cunningham said that the law was written by "aliens" and

"I think you work for them. The media works for them and they own the money and they are eating people down below..."

The British tabloid press continues to be a good source of stories. Members of the clergy have been featured before, and this week's clergy member is an unknown vicar who showed up at the emergency room of Northern General Hospital in Sheffield.

The vicar sought medical assistance because he had a potato lodged in his bunghole.

This story quotes nurse Trudi Watson:

“He explained to me, quite sincerely, he had been hanging curtains naked in the kitchen when he fell backwards on to the kitchen table and on to a potato.

But it’s not for me to question his story.

“He had to undergo surgery to have it removed.”

Say no to drugs:

33 year old Michael Lasiter of Modesto, California, caused a commotion at a local Denny's restaurant. Lasiter ran into the Denny's and promptly began trying to amputate his own arm, first with a customer's butter knife, and then with a more substantial butcher knife from the kitchen.

Mr. Lasiter believed that, while shooting himself up with cocaine, he had injected himself with a potentially fatal air bubble. The only solution was to immediately amputate his own arm. Mr. Lasiter got a tasering from the police before he was taken to a hospital.

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On, Wisconsin:



Torey Devaux, of Manitowoc, Wisconsin, got arrested for several counts of domestic violence and disorderly conduct. Mr. Devaux got in an argument with his female roommate, who refused to have sex with him. Mr. Devaux then sauntered down to the basement and pissed all over her dog and the basement floor. When the roommate's sister attempted to intervene, Devaux allegedly battered her and punched out a window. Police caught up with him a short distance away from the scene.

The condition of the dog is not known. Alcohol was involved.

Thanks to Lulu and Dena who both sent me links to this story. I can't tell you how proud it makes me to know that when one of you sees a story about an out of control drunk cheesehead pissing on a dog, I'm the first person you think of.

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Honorable mention to Alaska governor Sarah Palin. According to this piece in Newsweek, when McCain staffers Steve Schmidt and Mark Salter went to her room to brief her during the GOP convention, she strolled into the room fresh out of the shower, clad only in a towel. Classy!

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So, let's vote!

Germany or Florida: And the winner is...CANADA!

Congratulations to long-time friend of the compound Dale! He successfully went for the bold "all Florida" gambit and won this week's contest. He even did it in a typically polite and unobtrusive way:

"Is it wrong to guess Florida for all of them?"

Well done, sir!

Clearly Dale has shown unique insight into the Florida mindset. Does he winter there? Until now I had never pictured Dale as one of those millions of snowbirds who flock to Florida every year; however, a careful re-reading of his Honeypot stories made me realize she is very likely some native Florida white trash that he brought back north for his (and our) amusement.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to welcome some new visitors to the compound. Eternally Curious and Jewels both stopped by and jumped right into the contest. Thanks for visiting, and I hope you'll be back soon!

Answers and commentary are in blue.

1) A man and his girlfriend returned home after arguing in a tavern. The man wanted to have sex, and the woman didn't. The man threatened her with a rifle, but only succeeded in shooting himself.

No Bang? Bang! Bang! Xanax was also involved, in addition to the alcohol and firearms.

2) An argument between two men resulted in one of them grabbing a hammer and threatening the other. The other grabbed a letter opener and stabbed the hammer man. It was not hammer time.

Man with hammer loses to man with letter opener, police say.

3) A man wanted to teach his son "how to party right" and showed the teenager how to crush and snort prescription drugs. The son died.

Boy dies during dad's 'how to party' lesson, police say.

If I'd told you the drug was Oxycontin, it would totally have given away the source.

4) A homeless woman hit a homeless man over the head with a Heineken bottle during an argument.



Well played, Skylersdad and Kirby, for recognizing that the Heineken reference was a red herring! If I had given the reason for the argument, it would totally have nailed this as a Florida story:

"...Diane Parrish hit him over the head with a Heineken beer bottle after he told Parrish her daughter could not get her into heaven, only Jesus can, according to the report."

Remember this for future reference: Jesus + interpersonal violence=Florida.

5) A pet rat starts a fire in the owner's home.

Flaming pet rat starts fire, damages Titusville home. If I'd mentioned that the kid's parents were away doing mission work, that might have given it away (again with the Jesus=Florida). Maybe this line, delivered with typical Floridian understatement, would have done the trick:

"I had a few beers before it happened, but nothing out of the ordinary," Stanifer told Eyewitness News.

6) A driver pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving promptly urinated on himself as he asked the officer if he was in any trouble.

Driver gets pulled over, urinates on himself.

This one was tough just based on the information given. Now, if the driver had actually called the police there himself, or if he'd been stopped while fleeing from a poorly-planned robbery, that would have made it an easier Florida pick.

7) The owners of a traveling educational zoo are sued by a hotel worker who claims that her exposure to bird and monkey feces and dander caused a chronic medical condition when they stayed at her hotel.

Inn housekeeper sues Paso's traveling zoo.

Another tough call: monkeys=Germany, squalor can go either way and generally litigation=Florida. If you read the story, though, you'll see that an alligator was involved.