As our society falls apart and descends into a George Romero-esque nightmare of alligator attacks and vigilante violence, remember that you heard about it here, first. Our experts have been examining the connection between alligator attacks and crack cocaine for some time, and now we have a frightening new development to report.
Police in Fitchburg, Massachusetts, while executing a search warrant, found a kill-crazy alligator guarding a stash of 56 grams of crack cocaine. Granted, the alligator was only 2 feet long, and confined in a filthy tank full of stagnant water, but don't be fooled--this was undoubtedly part of some fiendishly clever lizard plot that we just haven't figured out yet.
Was the dealer using the alligator to guard the cocaine? Was the alligator using the dealer to lure crackheads within range for an easy gator meal? How did the alligator get as far north as Massachusetts? Is there, like, an underground railroad for alligators based on urban northeastern sewer systems? So many questions, so little bourbon.