Freak of the week

This week's Freak of the Week goes to 24 year old Garth M. Flaherty.

Mr. Flaherty was caught with 93 pounds of women's panties and bras, and was charged with multiple counts of burglary and theft. Police were able to link Mr. Flaherty to specific items of underwear "based on the unique descriptions from a couple of women" according to the story. The police are unsure if the stolen undies will be returned when the case is disposed of; here's a quote from Commander Tennant:

"Would you really want them back?" he asked. "I would say not."

First runner-up goes to an unknown Michigan woman, identified only as "Melissa", who walked into a frat house during dinner, stripped naked and masturbated. She left before the police arrived, presumably to return home to feed her pet caimans and ferrets.

Melissa didn't win first place because, according to the article, she appeared to be under the influence of drugs. Award-winning freak behavior should be the result of dark compulsions only dimly understood by the freak, not the result of some cheap high.

Germany or Florida

Time for another round of Germany or Florida. Decide if each of the following news stories originated in Germany or Florida. Scroll down for the answers.

1) A woman goes into the hospital to give birth. A few months later she's a quadruple amputee, and the hospital won't explain what happened to her.

2) A brother and sister, both in their 20's, are going to court to legalize their incestuous relationship. The brother has already done some time in jail.

3) A "growing subculture "Emo" fad where teens cut themselves to express their personal pain has prompted concern from parents..."

4) "Flyer's chocolate", "shabu" or "gingerbread", an amphetamine that causes euphoria and excitement, has become a popular party drug.












1) Florida.

2) Germany.

3) Florida.

4) Germany.

When more is not enough

I think that we all need to take this quiz immediately to see if we need this product. Be warned, though, even a miracle drug like this may have some potential side effects.

Narcozoology: Birth of a new science!

Johnny Yen, in commenting on on an earlier post about Pipe-Hittin' Exotic Animals, wrote:

"You've firmly established the the crack-crazed fiend/reptile connection. Is this evidence of a methhead/exotic mammal connection?

Will Coatimundi possession be probable cause for a meth search?"

Excellent questions, Johnny. I propose to address those questions, and many more, through the application of a bold new science: Narcozoology. Narcozoology aims to study the relationship between drugs, dope fiends and the animals that surround them. Narcozoology builds on established theories and methods in sociology, psychology, the whole range of reptile sciences, years of paranormal research published in journals that mainstream so-called "academia" doesn't have the guts to publish, and mountains of anecdotal evidence gathered by workers in the field. Narcozoology, while based on these solid foundations, is also driven forward by liberal doses of coffee and bourbon-fueled intuitive leaps. It is, above all, a fearless science.

In order to help spread the word, I ask that from this point forward, any of you, when referring to me, add "founder of the fearless new science of narcozoology." Or words to that effect; I also wouldn't mind being referred to in print as the "world's leading narcozoologist."

Years from now, you'll be able to say you were there at the beginning. How cool is that?

The Alligator Connection

As our society falls apart and descends into a George Romero-esque nightmare of alligator attacks and vigilante violence, remember that you heard about it here, first. Our experts have been examining the connection between alligator attacks and crack cocaine for some time, and now we have a frightening new development to report.

Police in Fitchburg, Massachusetts, while executing a search warrant, found a kill-crazy alligator guarding a stash of 56 grams of crack cocaine. Granted, the alligator was only 2 feet long, and confined in a filthy tank full of stagnant water, but don't be fooled--this was undoubtedly part of some fiendishly clever lizard plot that we just haven't figured out yet.

Was the dealer using the alligator to guard the cocaine? Was the alligator using the dealer to lure crackheads within range for an easy gator meal? How did the alligator get as far north as Massachusetts? Is there, like, an underground railroad for alligators based on urban northeastern sewer systems? So many questions, so little bourbon.