Midweek public service announcement

I know I've posted this before, but as you get home and make it just past halfway through the grind of your work week, I think it bears repeating. It is, in fact, often possible to care even less than you do presently.

And so, I present to you the Caring Continuum:

The dangers of fireworks

Key phrase to remember: "after leaning over a professional grade firework."

Bottom line? Backyard fireworks are not safe, but if you do decide to stage an illegal amateur fireworks display in your backyard, for God's sake, keep your mannequins and your melons at a safe distance.

And now, something for the ladies

Ladies, because the world is full of guys like Bill from that last movie, you might find yourself in the occasional dating slump. This film offers valuable advice:

"Grooming, and cleanliness, and letting the boys know you're around are all important."

Spend some time with Kay as she gets busy making friends with everyone.

Social Courtesy

Unfortunately for Bill the Internet is still 40+ years away, so he has to keep going to these parties and being nice to people instead of running a blog, digging up obscure film clips while in his pajamas.

Surly bastard.

Helpful last-minute gift ideas for children

For those of you who have put off shopping for your nieces or nephews, here are some clever last-minute ideas. Each of these is meant to encourage and expand a young person's interest in science; these gifts are thrifty AND educational! All of these items can be had at whatever Walgreen's or Jewels is open late on Christmas Eve.

Give them a big bottle of Diet Coke and some Mentos. Watch what happens.

Give them a big bag of marshmallows, and instructions on how to cook them in their parent's microwave oven. If you're feeling really generous, give them that old microwave oven that you keep down in the basement.

Give them a box of baking soda, a bottle of vinegar and some red food dye. It's volcano time!

Believe me, their parents will thank you!

Merry Christmas!

A public service announcement

Has anyone ever told you that you don't know shit from Shinola?

Well, now you do.

Career tips for aspiring criminals

Here's a few tips if you're thinking about committing a robbery:

1) Don't get drunk before you commit your robbery

2) Don't use your victim's credit card to buy 3 cartons of cigarettes, less than a mile away from the robbery, and don't do it in a gas station that has a good security video system

3) Most important of all, don't crash your getaway car while you're driving drunk. The police will probably find the fake gun you used, and your victim's wallet, in the car when you get arrested for DUI.

I'm just saying.