Law Enforcement Quote of the Week

''You shouldn't have to hide your keys from your wife."

Polk County Florida Sheriff Grady Judd, commenting on the arrest of Gail Buckner, wife of Deputy Charles "Chip" Buckner.



Gail Buckner, pictured along with her mother Sharon Cooper and a man identified as Alexander Quintasket, took "Chip's" squad car while he was asleep and went on a joyride with it. There was "at least" a shotgun in the car when it was taken.

According to the article in The Ledger,

Gail Buckner has a criminal record that dates to before her marriage to Chip Buckner.

Judd said sheriff's policy is for deputies not to cavort with convicted felons. 'But the lawyers say we can't stop them from marrying one,' he said.

The Sheriff's Office was unaware of the connection until Sunday, Judd said.

'We can't do a background check on everyone who dates a deputy.'

Deputy Charles "Chip" Buckner has since resigned. According to this article from Tampa Bay Online, there were a total of three firearms in the squad car, and Quintasket, in addition to being a convicted felon himself, was out on bail awaiting trial for armed robbery at the time of this incident. Buckner and Quintasket were both charged with possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, among other charges. According to this piece from MSNBC, Quintasket "found it exciting" when the lights and siren were activated as he sat in the back seat. The errant squad car hit speeds in excess of 80 mph.

Gail Buckner told arresting officers that "she made a bad judgment call and meant no harm."

Dye Pack 1, Bank Robber 0

That's not blood, that's dye.

The man in the picture, Daniel Duran, allegedly robbed a bank in Houston, Texas. He was arrested "a short time later, after the dye packs exploded while still allegedly down his pants. Duran was taken to an area hospital with second degree burns to his genital area."

Satisfying

You know what's satisfying?

Let's say you're investigating an aggravated battery, and you've got your main offender in custody. You get your second offender identified pretty quickly, and you decide to grab a bite to eat at your local taco stand before driving the first offender to the juvenile detention center.

The satisfying part comes when, just a few minutes after you've finished your meal, your second offender walks into the restaurant with his mom, uncle, older brother and younger sisters.

The even more satisfying part comes when mom, who insists on coming into the station with you and sitting right with junior as he's interviewed, allows her kid to make a written statement outlining his role in the beating. And then you get to drive two little rat bastard gang members to jail at the same time.

A bike, a shovel, a severed nose, a hungry dog--Iowa!

When I first heard about this story I assumed it happened somewhere down south.

I was wrong.

I'll just go ahead and quote the article in its entirety:

IOWA (NEWSCHANNEL 3) - A man in Iowa is without a nose. He lost it after a friend bit it off in a fight.

It all started when Donroy Merrival used Matthew Osing's bike to go to the store for more beer. He broke the bike in the process.

Osing told him to get out of his apartment, but the guy wouldn't leave.

Osing hit him with a shovel. That's when Merrival went for his nose, biting it off his face.

Now, Osing is not sure what happened to it. "I don't know if he swallowed it or if my dogs might have eaten it. I don't know," he said.

Merrival is now facing assault charges and could spend more than 12 years in prison.

It turns out that Donroy, no doubt wanting to be thorough, also took off part of his friend's lip. You can read more about it and see Donroy's mug shot here.

Germany or Florida: and the dog day edition winner is

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie!

Longtime blog pal Johnny Yen and relative newcomer Eebie have tied for first place with an impressive 14 correct answers each. Second place goes to Canadian vixen Barbara of Bad Tempered Zombie.

We have a four-way tie for third place with 10 correct answers each. Tenacious S nearly grabbed the number 3 spot for herself, but misjudged the nature of question 17. Cap'n Ergo played the bold "all Florida" gambit, and the blogger to whom I owe everything, Melinda June, let solo possession of third place slip through her fingers with the equally bold "Wisconsin" ploy. Finally, Beckeye slipped in with a last-minute entry that I caught just as I was going through my Google news alerts before bedtime.

Well done, all of you!

And now, on to the answers...

_____________________

The eldest and I had a long conversation about the intuitive skills needed to determine whether a story hails from Germany or Florida. It's not a science, it's an art. As I've stated before, here and here, there are often subtle cultural clues that you can look for. For instance:

Sausage=Germany
Crack cocaine=Florida
Fetish or weird sex=Germany
Nudity=Germany
Cannibalism and/or body parts=Germany (Is this where Wisconsin gets it?)
Domestic violence=Florida
Pitbulls and/or gunplay=Florida
Religious zealotry=Florida
Incest and morbid obesity can go either way.

These are useful guidelines, but as you'll see they're not always reliable. Some times you just have to go with your gut.

1) A man was convicted of sending unsolicited photos of his penis via cell phone to a woman. The investigation did not reveal any reason for the digital gift. GERMANY

2) Police found a bag of crack cocaine concealed in the folds of belly fat on a 400 pound man. FLORIDA



Granted, in that black tee shirt and jacket combo he does have kind of a euro-trash Bond villain look to him, but with the crack cocaine he's all Florida, baby!

3) A woman arrested for drunk driving was also cited for not securing her 1 year old child in a car seat. Her beer was safely buckled in, though. FLORIDA

I was really happy to see that everyone got this one correct. I mean, come on.

4) Police investigated a domestic disturbance after an angry anti-smoker used a fire extinguisher to put out his girlfriend's cigarette. GERMANY

5) Two bartenders were convicted for serving at least 44 shots of tequila to a 16 year old boy, leading to his death. GERMANY

The article also mentioned schnapps, but if I'd included that it would have been a dead giveaway as a Germany story. Or maybe Wisconsin.

6) This group of soldiers has become flabby and unfit. GERMANY

7) A woman was accused of sexually assaulting her daughter with a chili pepper after beating her with an iron and and the iron's cord. FLORIDA

Tough call--the creepy sex says Germany, but the chili pepper and domestic violence say Florida.

8) A police officer was attacked by a group of 50-75 bystanders at a water park when he tried to arrest a teenager. FLORIDA

Do they have water parks in Germany? Now, if the story had said "police officer attacked by a group of 50-75 nudists"... then you might have to go for Germany as your answer.

9) A woman trying to steal cow manure fell into the manure pit and fled the scene. Naked. GERMANY

10) A woman battered her boyfriend with a toilet seat after she caught him smoking rock cocaine in the bathroom. FLORIDA

Again, classic Florida: crack cocaine + domestic violence.

11) A 46 year old man was arrested for striking his mother in the head with three pounds of sausage during an argument. FLORIDA

Now this was a tricky one. Normally sausage=Germany, but Florida generally leads in the domestic violence category.

12) A woman called police to her home after her "increasingly intoxicated" friend wouldn't stop talking to her about her personal problems...for 30 hours. GERMANY

See, Europeans are more polite. No way a Floridian would've lasted that long without turning a pit bull loose on the friend, or shooting her.

13) A man lost money at a strip club and called police. He was not satisfied with the response, so he called again and asked for different officers to respond. He was arrested. FLORIDA FLORIDA FLORIDA

Strip club=Florida. They have brothels in Germany, so there's not as big a need to blow your money on lap dances. Also, there's something uniquely Floridian about calling the police on yourself.

14) Ten military projectiles and an air-to-ground rocket were discovered on the grounds of a school. Other WWII era munitions have been discovered in the area in the past, and now everyone's wondering how much other unexploded ordinance is buried underneath all the homes that were built in the area. FLORIDA

OK, this was a trick question.

15) A car thief, attempting to escape police, drove his car into a field and bailed out. He ran into nearby woods in an attempt to escape, but was attacked by wild pigs and captured by police. GERMANY

16) Police discovered a man sitting in his van, in a wooded area, behaving suspiciously. When he gave permission to search the van, police found a collection of women's sonograms, a blond wig, rope, knives and a machete. And 18 human teeth in a film canister. FLORIDA



Another tricky one. Creepy guy in a van with knives and rope and a wig says Florida, but the collection of human teeth says Germany. Or maybe Wisconsin.

17) A man committed a robbery, and as he left the scene accepted a lift from some strangers. The strangers robbed the man, and he reported the theft of his theft proceeds to police, and got himself arrested. FLORIDA FLORIDA FLORIDA

See # 13 above. The lovely and intelligent Tenacious S read a little too much into this one. She interpreted the bad guy's actions as hitch hiking, which led her to guess Germany. Not an unreasonable conclusion, but put yourself, if you will, in the Floridian mindset. The robber comes out of the 7-11, sees some kindred spirits hanging around the parking lot, maybe drinking a 40 or hitting the pipe, or just letting their pit bulls out of the truck to take a leak. He thinks he's gotten lucky, because of course he didn't plan his robbery far enough in advance to include a getaway car. The people he approaches smell his desperation and promptly victimize him. Florida 7-11 parking lots are a Hobbesian nightmare like that.

_____________________

Thanks for playing everybody. Have a great weekend!

Germany or Florida: dog days edition

Let's get down to business.

It's been a few months, and that's just too darn long. I'll go over the rules for those of you who haven't played before:

-Read each story
-Determine if the story originates in Germany or Florida
-Post your choices in the comments section. I'll post the winners on Friday.

And now, without further ado, Germany or Florida:

1) A man was convicted of sending unsolicited photos of his penis via cell phone to a woman. The investigation did not reveal any reason for the digital gift.

2) Police found a bag of crack cocaine concealed in the folds of belly fat on a 400 pound man.

3) A woman arrested for drunk driving was also cited for not securing her 1 year old child in a car seat. Her beer was safely buckled in, though.

4) Police investigated a domestic disturbance after an angry anti-smoker used a fire extinguisher to put out his girlfriend's cigarette.

5) Two bartenders were convicted for serving at least 44 shots of tequila to a 16 year old boy, leading to his death.

6) This group of soldiers has become flabby and unfit.

7) A woman was accused of sexually assaulting her daughter with a chili pepper after beating her with an iron and and the iron's cord.

8) A police officer was attacked by a group of 50-75 bystanders at a water park when he tried to arrest a teenager.

9) A woman trying to steal cow manure fell into the manure pit and fled the scene. Naked.

10) A woman battered her boyfriend with a toilet seat after she caught him smoking rock cocaine in the bathroom.

11) A 46 year old man was arrested for striking his mother in the head with three pounds of sausage during an argument.

12) A woman called police to her home after her "increasingly intoxicated" friend wouldn't stop talking to her about her personal problems...for 30 hours.

13) A man lost money at a strip club and called police. He was not satisfied with the response, so he called again and asked for different officers to respond. He was arrested.

14) Ten military projectiles and an air-to-ground rocket were discovered on the grounds of a school. Other WWII era munitions have been discovered in the area in the past, and now everyone's wondering how much other unexploded ordinance is buried underneath all the homes that were built in the area.

15) A car thief, attempting to escape police, drove his car into a field and bailed out. He ran into nearby woods in an attempt to escape, but was attacked by wild pigs and captured by police.

16) Police discovered a man sitting in his van, in a wooded area, behaving suspiciously. When he gave permission to search the van, police found a collection of women's sonograms, a blond wig, rope, knives and a machete. And 18 human teeth in a film canister.

17) A man committed a robbery, and as he left the scene accepted a lift from some strangers. The strangers robbed the man, and he reported the theft of his theft proceeds to police, and got himself arrested.

Freak of the Week

"Am I allowed to satisfy myself? It has been a long time since I have. What am I supposed to do, just keep it in?"

Yes, this freak actually asked his arresting officers if he could pleasure himself. You can read the whole story here.

Career tips for aspiring criminals

Here's a few tips if you're thinking about committing a robbery:

1) Don't get drunk before you commit your robbery

2) Don't use your victim's credit card to buy 3 cartons of cigarettes, less than a mile away from the robbery, and don't do it in a gas station that has a good security video system

3) Most important of all, don't crash your getaway car while you're driving drunk. The police will probably find the fake gun you used, and your victim's wallet, in the car when you get arrested for DUI.

I'm just saying.

Pipe-hittin' exotic animals

While the alligator/crack cocaine nexus is a well-established fact in the field of narcozoology, and there appear to be multiple links between drug use and ownership of exotic pets, this author has not yet established a strong link between methamphetamine use and any specific animal. Until now.

Sheriff's Police in Riverside County, California, were startled by a coatimundi while searching a home for drugs. According to this story, 29 year old Norman James Vollan purchased the creature for $1,000 and brought it from Texas to Nevada, where he lived at the time. Eventually the duo rolled west and settled in Riverside County. After the search was completed, Vollan was charged with possession of methamphetamine and child pornography.

Forget the iconic cowboy, the rugged pioneer families, trappers and ranchers. This is the new American West: rootless perverted dope fiends and their freak pets shambling westward, waiting to meet The Man.

2006 Monsters of the Midway

Devin Hester and Thomas Jones were excused from this group photo after tonight's game.