May 1st

Be proud, fellow midwesterners: it all started here in Chicago on May 1, 1886. The start of the 8-hour day movement, now observed all over the world as International Workers Day.

Today's a good day to visit the Haymarket martyrs monument in Forest Home Cemetery if you've got the time.

I am not embarrassed to say "vagina"

Ask any of my close friends or family and they will tell you I am a model of rectitude and decorum, and would not normally even say the proper term for the female pudenda. But now that's changed.

I've found out about Alexyss K. Tylor.

First off, let me give a big, BIG thank you to Katie Schwartz. I've enjoyed reading her blog for a while now. I dig her musings on Kristians and former child stars.

Well, the other day she sent me a link. I watched the video, and I was hooked. Surely she was going to use this herself? NO! Not only is our Katie raunchy and hilarious, she's generous to a fault. She gave me this video and told me to do with it as I saw fit.

So here we are.

Seeing that video sent me off on a search to learn more about Alexyss K. Tylor. Alexyss K. Tylor has a public access cable show in Atlanta, called, wonderfully, Vagina Power. She is also a motivational speaker and author. She's been all over the interwebs for the past few weeks, and you can find several of her videos on YouTube.

This video is one of the greatest things I've ever seen. There are too many great quotes to even begin to list them all here. If you've ever wondered why some women consistently hook up with the wrong men, Alexyss explains it all. And she is a learned woman:

"I don't have any PHD's or masters degrees to put on my wall in academia, but I have a masters degree in being played by men."

Go ahead and watch the video. Just don't watch it at work, or at home in front of your kids, or in front of anyone who's offended by the following words: vagina, penis, orgasm, g-spot, clitoris, cum, rectum, sperm, "hittin' it", dildo, jackrabbit, or buttocks.



Now, as I post this, I'm distracted by the spectacle of a geezed Chris Hitchens on the Daily Show. I've got Alexyss in one ear going on about men "done ejaculated all in her brain" while Hitch blathers on about menstrual blood and birth canals. Alexyss K. Tylor is sober; Hitchens, apparently, not so much.

Here she is...

GUWEI'IYYA, Saudi Arabia (Reuters) - The legs are long, the eyes are big, the bodies curvaceous.

Contestants in this Saudi-style beauty pageant have all the features you might expect anywhere else in the world, but with one crucial difference -- the competitors are camels.

"The nose should be long and droop down, that's more beautiful," explains Sultan al-Qahtani, one of the organisers. "The ears should stand back, and the neck should be long. The hump should be high, but slightly to the back."

Hungry?

Then think about heading out to Stockton, California for the Stockton Asparagus Festival.

If you'd been better-organized, you could have registered for the World Deep-Fried Asparagus Eating Championship, but sadly registration for that event has closed. So now, in addition to being hungry, you'll be unable to compete for that $2,250 prize pool.

Still stinging from the sense of missed opportunity? Go to the official website of the International Federation of Competitive Eating. You'll find plenty of future opportunities to compete against other committed gurgitators and gustatory athletes such as yourself.

Bon apetit!

Friday Random Ten--Lazy Afternoon Edition

It's one of those in-between kind of days. I should have spent the day in a cleaning frenzy, but instead I slept late and took MizBubs to lunch, then went shopping and bought birthday and Mothers Day gifts and cards. I'll pick up my youngest from school in a few minutes, and then get ready for work. The honor guard is going to present colors at the start of a retirement party tonight, so I'll have to shave off the sideburns and soul patch and make myself presentable.

Know what's pissing me off? I can't hit the sauce until after the ceremony, so I'm totally being screwed out of the inaugural Margarita Friday.

Today is my mom's birthday, so I'll meet the rest of the family over there after I'm done at work. That will be good.

Here's the random ten:

Rabbit Fighter—T. Rex

Progress—Bad Religion

We Kiss in a Shadow—Martin Denny

aka I-D-I-O-T—The Hives

Hellbound Train—Three Bad Jacks

Mr. Block—Utah Phillips

Cool it Down—The Velvet Underground

Centre For Holy Wars—The New Pornographers

What We All Want—Gang of Four

In the Backseat—Arcade Fire

I'm ready for my interview

Lulu ran a cool little "interview thingy" on Monday. Being the blabberous egomaniac that I am, I promptly begged for a chance to be interviewed. A day or so went by, and then, there it was in my email--my interview!

Lulu's questions are in bold type. At the bottom of the post are the rules, and if any of you thoughtful and discerning readers would like to be interviewed by me, ask away.

1. You have a career in law enforcement, and an impressive sideline as America's preeminent narcozoologist, were those your dream careers as a kid, or did you have another career in mind?

My parents tell me that when I was little (3-5 years old) I liked to wear costumes and played elaborate games where I was an explorer, soldier or cowboy. When I got older, like later in grade school, I decided I wanted to be an actor. I'd say I wanted to be an actor all through high school. I had a blast in drama club (GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS), and then my dreams came to a screeching halt when I experienced the mortification of actually auditioning at the Bucks County Playhouse. That was the moment I discovered that being a bullshit artist probably required less discipline than being an actor on stage or screen, and might be just as much fun.

After high school I had notions of being a film maker or photographer, took some classes (dropping out of excellent programs at Columbia College and UIC) and wound up joining the Army National Guard with MizBubs, both of us enlisting as 91-B, Combat Medical Specialists. A wicked throat infection during basic training at Fort Jackson wrecked my singing voice, but I really enjoyed the training and was probably in the best shape of my life. MizBubs and I were lucky enough to serve before the first Gulf War.

I got a job as a photographers assistant at a studio that did work for Sears and JC Penney, and worked my way up to off-figure photographer. The studio went belly-up, and I ended up working as a campus security officer at Loyola University. My brother was in the criminal justice program there and recommended I take the introductory class. It was free, since I worked there, and I really enjoyed it. I started thinking I'd be good at being a cop. Loyola sent me to the Chicago Police Academy after I'd worked there for nearly a year, and I realized I'd like to do municipal law enforcement better than campus policing. I was lucky enough to get hired by the very first department I tested with.

Almost 19 years later, here I am. I sometimes regret not being a smoke-jumper or celebrity chef, but I'm pretty happy with where I've ended up.

2. Are most officers of the law bourbon-swilling, Tom Jones-loving, punk rock dudes like yourself, or are you an anomaly within the law enforcement community?


No, and not really. To some extent I'm an anomaly in every community I'm part of: I'm either the most liberal, non-confrontational and tolerant person in a group of conservatives, or the most right-wing, gun-happy and bigoted person in a group of liberals.

Cops are a far more diverse group than we were 20 years ago, by the way, but I think we tend to run more to former metal heads than former punks. There are 6 detectives and 2 detective sergeants, ranging in age from 30-44. Only one of them other than me is a Tom Jones fan. Most of the younger guys are vodka or rum drinkers; I stand alone as a committed bourbon enthusiast.

Of the 8 of us, 2 have college degrees, 2 are close to getting them, and 2 more have about 30-60 hours of credit. There's one former Army National Guard member, one former Marine, and one Army Iraq war veteran. 6 of us are married, 5 with kids, and two are single.

3. You seem to have a great relationship with your daughters, what are your parenting secrets?

Fear.

Not really, I just liked saying that. First off, we made up our minds when our kids were born to not listen to all the negative stuff people would say about having kids:

"I was in back labor 35 hours and then the doctor botched the episiotomy and I had an emergency c-section and puked from the anaesthesia."

"You won't get any sleep for 2 years."

"Just wait until they hit the terrible twos, all they say is 'NO'"

"Just wait until they go to school and start acting like all their friends, they won't be your child any more."

"Just wait until they hit middle school."

"Just wait until they hit their teens."

And so on. We ignored all those warnings and resolved early on to see the entertainment value in all the goofy and frequently infuriating things a kid was bound to do, and that made things easier.

4. You live in the suburb I grew up in, I hated it and left as soon as I could, yet you made the decision to live there of your own free will. Why would anyone make the choice to live in Mt. Plastic?


I made my one off-duty arrest in the spring of 1990, driving east on Montrose from Pulaski on a sunny Saturday afternoon. I thought I was driving up on a block party, judging from the crowd. Turns out the crowd had gathered to watch a shirtless drunken hillbilly cave in the skull of another drunken hillbilly with a Louisville Slugger baseball bat. Around the same time there was a drive-by shooting on the steps of a church near our house that killed two kids; MizBubs used to walk by there all the time on her way to one of the markets. So we decided to move. I didn't want to live in the town I worked in, and we couldn't afford to to move to one of the neighborhoods like Edison Park that were still in Chicago. We kind of went north and west until we found a combination of a house we could afford and a school district we liked. Ironically, we ended up homeschooling our kids for several years anyway, and had we stayed in our house in Chicago I'd be sitting on a half-million dollar bag of money right now. Who knew?

Our kids are grateful that they got to spend their entire childhood in the same house in the same town, but they both hate Mt Prospect and can't wait to move away. If I were a kid I'd feel the same way. Heck, I can't wait to move away from here either, but the reality is that this has been a good place to us these past 17 years.

5. If you had to pick, would you live in Florida or Germany?


Whew, tough one. Back in the 80's I always wanted to live in Berlin. I would have loved to live in Florida back in the 20's or 30's, and if I had unlimited funds I could easily see living in the Keys for much of the year. But I'll have to go with Germany. Old castles, Oktoberfest and good beer beat the hell out of ugly sun-baked sprawl and spring break any day.


Want some questions of your own? Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me!”


I will respond by e-mailing you five questions (if your email is not on your profile, email me your desire to be interviewed so I know your address). I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.


You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.


You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.


When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Freak of the week

It's contest time! Remember, this is a Cook County-based blog, so vote early and often!

1) Former court officer Robert Theriault was convicted of prostitution. His crime? Theriault met a homeless couple and "...told them he worked for an insurance company and wanted them to test sheets and condoms by having sex while he watched. The sheets were supposedly designed to increase sperm count. The condoms would be tested for reliability, the couple recalled Theriault saying."

2) Doctor Raymond Adamcik dressed up as Captain America, stuffed a burrito down his shorts, groped a woman and got caught with some weed.

3) An unknown man walked into a British restaurant and cut off his own penis.

Alligator update

Remember, the best defense against the alligator is CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

It looks like that constant vigilance is paying off--there are no new attacks to report this week, but clearly the struggle continues:

Plucky Floridian Benjamin Hodges got pinched for skinning a dead gator on his front lawn. Mr. Hodges claimed he found the gator, dead, thought it would make a swanky belt, and brought it home in a shopping cart. Do you think he lives in a gated community?

Like fire ants, killer bees and armadillos, alligators are headed north. Police in Long Island, NY, found a young gator sunning himself by a pond. Gators are willing to sacrifice their young as scouts, probing our defenses. Good job, New York law enforcement!

Alert cops in Shawnee County, Kansas, arrested Michael "Tiny" Hutson for releasing a young alligator into Lake Shawnee. Law enforcement needs to make an example of traitorous dupes like Mr. Hutson; lured by the promise of exotic pet ownership only to betray his own kind.

Here's a big problem: apologists in the pro-gator media. The bias is very subtle; for example, here's a story in the Daytona Beach News-Journal that purports to warn people about gator safety during mating season. Sounds reasonable, right? But just read down a little and you'll find an outrageous pro-gator statement like this:

"Sensational news reports don't tell the whole story," said Nick Clark, senior reptile keeper at the Central Florida Zoological Park in Sanford. "You're far more likely to be in a fatal auto accident on I-4 than attacked by an alligator."

See what I mean? Any experienced narcozoologist will tell you, "sensational news reports" may not tell "the whole story", but they certainly tell all the story you need to know.

Finally, a colleague of mine in south Florida sent me a link to a comment posted on the Hungry Hyaena blog. I'm impressed that someone out there feels more strongly about alligators than I do:

Anonymous said...

There can be no happy medium in the war against alligators. If they want war, they shall have it. Alligators were on the verge of extinction when we took measures to protect them allowing their numbers to swell and now they prey on our pets and occasionally kill humans. Our kindness was perceived as weakness by these reptiles.

I have no issue with alligators in the Everglades where they belong. We need them there to fight the boas, but when they encroach on residential areas they must be destroyed. And please spare me this foolishness about us encroaching on their habitat. Any place we have ever lived throughout the history of mankind has encroached on some animal. Animals can either learn to live with it or die at our hands.

Alligators have been the bullies of nature preying on the weak and sick for tens of thousands of years. Well this time they've met their match. Bring it on!

That is one committed American!

True Story

Every year the department sends us all for a physical. It's a nice benefit, really--every year I get a free physical and I get to see how much I've deteriorated in the previous year. Then, when I return to work, I can compare my deterioration, depression, weight gain and lack of conditioning to that of my coworkers who've just returned from their physicals. In management we call this "benchmarking."

Anyway, yesterday I went to get my blood drawn and get my TB test. The actual physical is in a couple of days. I was met by a nice young lab assistant who ushered me into an exam room. We made some pleasant small talk while she got her stuff ready; I found out she's going to the same community college as my daughter, for instance, and that her boyfriend is working toward a graduate degree in human resource management. She had me lie down--a first--because they now have a policy that patients lie down for blood draws so they don't fall out.

While I'm lying there our conversation continues and we get on to the topic of shift work and sleep habits. And she tells me how she didn't get enough sleep last night because of a bad dream she had. And then she tells me about the dream:

In the dream her father, from whom she's estranged, even though she kind of has to stay in touch with him because she misses seeing her little brother, takes her car. That is, she gets home and finds that her new car is gone (she just purchased a new car in real life.) When she goes to look for her car she finds out her father is the one who stole her car, and he's laughing about it. AND HE'S WEARING CLOWN MAKEUP.

And then she said "this vein looks good" and put the needle in.

Midday pick-me-up

The DVD This is Tom Jones is about to be released in the US. I've got it saved on my Amazon wishlist; hopefully some astute family member will snap it up for me sometime between now and Fathers Day.

Sing it Janis!

I wish I was at the movies

Splotchy graciously refrained from tagging me with this one, so I tagged myself.

I love movies, and I don't know why I don't see that many in theaters any more...I really don't see as many on DVD, either.

First movie you saw in a theater?

You Only Live Twice at the drive-in with my parents. Then, maybe Planet of the Apes, also with my parents at the drive-in.

Last movie you saw in a theater?

Grindhouse. I loved the trailers, really liked Planet Terror, and was not that impressed with Death Proof. Seeing a bunch of chicks sitting around talking like Quentin Tarrantino was less than impressive, but the car chase almost made up for it.

Crappiest moviegoing theater experience?

I can't remember one, really. I vaguely remember seeing some slasher and kung fu movies at the old Essanes Woods in the Loop, sticky floors, rodents and all. But it only cost a buck or two to get in and I was usually drinking.

Best moviegoing theater experience?

A couple of things come to mind. First, one of my favorite things to do is go to the movies in the middle of the summer, when it's hot out and intensely sunny. The feeling of settling into a darkened theater when it's sunny and 90+ outside is great, and then I love that blinded, dazed feeling you get when you go back outside. Second, I will always remember when Pee Wee's Big Adventure came out--the opening of that film was so fun and manic, and I realized I was seeing something totally different from anything I'd seen before.

What's a movie you *have* to see on the big screen?

Gone with the Wind? I don't know. All movies are better that way.


Have you even seen the same movie more than once in the same day?

Oh yeah. Young Frankenstein when it came out, Star Wars too.

Have you ever snuck into a theater to see a movie?

Yes, after seeing another movie in the same theater that I'd paid for. Matter of fact, that's one of my favorite things to do, but I can't get my cursedly ethical kids to do it with me. One of life's great pleasures is having an entire afternoon free, and hopping from feature to feature at the multiplex. Sticking it to the man, while consuming his corporate-produced entertainment.

Ever walked out on a movie?

Nope. Any movie I've had doubts about I've waited to see on video/DVD. Even then, the number I've given up on is slim--usually forgettable direct-to-video horror crap. The only feature film I remember deliberately not finishing was David Lynch's Lost Highway.


Movie snack of choice?

Chocolate covered almonds alternated with handfuls of salted, buttered popcorn.

Wiccan war hero finally gets pentacle on his grave

Back in July I did a post about the Department of Veterans Affairs' refusal to allow pentacles to inscribed on military memorials or grave markers.

Well, here's an update:

The VA just settled a lawsuit and will now allow pentacles to be placed on the grave markers of Wiccan soldiers. There are eleven families currently waiting for grave markers with pentacles.

The pentacle now joins 38 other recognized symbols that may be placed on the graves of veterans.

Monday: Time to face that porn addiction

Monday, the start of a new week. Back to the grind of work and school, hopefully after a good weekend spent with family. If you're lucky the religious services you attended were particularly comforting or inspiring, and you want to carry that Sunday morning feeling into your regular life.

So, really, there's no better time to face that porn addiction. And according to this story, there's a religious institution in "rural central Kentucky" to help you with that. No TV. No computers. Just plenty of prayer and support to help "porn addicts spend six months on a desperate path to salvation."

While many of you know me as the nation's leading expert on narcozoology, I also have more than a passing interest in the religion/porn nexus. I guess I'm a little suspect of Kristians (using the term coined by Coaster Punchman) who, driven by their faith, appear more interested in regulating sexual behavior than in, say, feeding the hungry, or clothing the poor, or just plain old preaching the Gospel--the things that are commonly known as Works of Mercy.

The organization referenced in the article is known as Pure Life Ministries. Go and take a look around; you'll find articles like The Insanity of Sexual Sin and ads for books like Intoxicated With Babylon (Rip the mask off the harlot's face!!!)

What I'm really interested in, though, is the Live-In Program:

"Each man is assigned a personal counselor who has overcome habitual sexual sin himself and is trained in biblical counseling. The weekly curriculum is a combination of PLM materials and biblical homework/study."

Perfect. You stumble into this institution desperate to overcome your sins, and you get assigned to a recovered chronic masturbator, who's now a "counselor," wielding a Bible. I imagine a scene similar to the one in the new Casino Royale where James Bond is tied, naked, to a bottomless chair and then whipped in the johnson with a wet rope. Only in this version the guy doing the whipping has a Kentucky accent and is yelling "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU" at the hapless jerkoff artist strapped in the chair.

What do you think the scene is like when you put a bunch of "sex addicts" together and throw in a load of Bible reading and laying-on of hands? How many people in that environment are pretty much getting off on discussing their sex lives with others?

The mind reels.

Hoosier schoolgirl gets medieval...

“It’s heavy, and it’s metal, and it’s sharp,” Detective Sgt. Darlene Breitenstein said after delivering the girl to the Lake County (Ind.) Juvenile Justice Center, where she is being held on battery charges.


"That type of weapon would surprise anyone,” said Lt. Samuel Roberts of the Gary Police Department. “It's not the typical weapon that you may find at a school."

ILEETA Conference, Day 5: Time to self-medicate

There's nothing wrong with me that handfuls of ibuprofen, glasses of bourbon and 12 hours of sleep can't fix. And maybe some massage, and a few visits to my chiropractor.

Today was the last day of the ILEETA conference, and I spent the day (8 hours) attending a class taught by mixed martial arts fighter Frank Shamrock. What a nice guy! There were about 80 guys (and two or three gals) in the class, and Frank came around and personally talked to and coached every person in the room at least 6 or 7 times by the time the class ended. I was pleased and surprised to see not a hint of arrogance or ego. What an excellent coach.

The class was a distilled version of Frank's mixed martial arts for law enforcement program. It was a blast. We did lots of stuff that looked like this:



And now I'm paying for it. Oww. My balls got mashed, the insides of my thighs and my upper arms are covered in bruises, and my back and shoulders are all seized up. But God was it fun!

So now the conference is over.

I won a final raffle prize yesterday, a $50 gift certificate for a law enforcement book publisher. I need to go to their website and pick out some stimulating reading.

Tomorrow I return to work and start thinking of ways to apply my newfound knowledge to our training program there.

Good times!

Non-Random Ten

God's Away on Business--Tom Waits
Hey Joe--The Leaves
I Fought The Law--Sonny Curtis
Which Side Are You On--Bob Bovee
Clampdown--The Clash
Goon Squad--Elvis Costello
East Texas Red--Arlo Guthrie
Vigilante Man--Bruce Springsteen
Guns of Brixton--The Clash
And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda--The Pogues

ILEETA Conference, Day 3: Look ma, I'm an armorer

I am now a certified Glock pistol armorer. That's how I spent my day--disassembling and reassembling Glock pistols, and learning fixes for common problems. So, uh, if any of you readers need a Glock pistol cleaned and inspected, or need any simple repairs done, let me know.

Badger badger badger...

"When they are having sex they howl and scream and when they are fighting they make terrible blood-curdling noises as if they are being murdered."

ILEETA Conference, Day 2: defying stereotypes

What better way to defy police stereotypes than by hosting...a donut eating contest.

Today ended with the annual World Cop Donut Eating Championship. Each contestant was assigned a donut deputy to monitor the number of donuts he consumed within the three minute time limit. The proceeds go to the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund.

It's true. We love donuts, or as some of us refer to them, "power rings."

_______________________________

While donut-eating brought the day to a rollicking close, the day started on a somber note--a minute of silence for the victims of the Virginia Tech shooting. I know I haven't said anything about the killings before now. Honestly, I find the immensity of it too much to deal with, and I know I don't have the ability to even begin to address it. So I'll stick to stories about alligators and perverts, subjects with which I'm more comfortable. I was hoping that I'd find out more about the shootings--at least about the police response and investigation--from someone at the conference. There are a number of cops and vendors from Virginia there I think, but no one has any information beyond what's been in the news. In the meantime I'll just hug my wife and my children tight, be thankful for what I have, and pray for strength and comfort for all the people affected by this horror.

The opening speech was given by Ukiah, California police sergeant Marcus Young. In March 2003, while making a shoplifting arrest, Sgt. Young was attacked by a white supremacist who was with the person arrested by Sgt. Young. Sgt. Young was shot multiple times; his wounds included having his gun hand totally disabled. A police cadet ride-along came to Sgt. Young's aid, placing Sgt. Young's duty firearm in his left hand, allowing Sgt. Young to shoot the attacker 4 times, killing him.

Thinking about those kids in Virginia, and being in the presence of someone like Marcus Young, was humbling beyond words.

ILEETA Conference, Day 1: high on swag

Well, day one is over, and I'm sitting here looking over my swag from today. The conference organizers really outdid themselves this year. Here's the haul so far:

-2 ILEETA logo polo shirts

-An ILEETA sweatshirt

-An ILEETA hooded sweatshirt

-A laptop computer briefcase (this saved me some money, because I was about to buy one this week.)

-A black nylon gym bag with the ILEETA logo tastefully displayed on the side, containing:
-A Princeton Tec mini flashlight
-A 1gig flash drive
-2 pepper sprays
-A notebook/binder
-A whole bunch of free pens, carabiners, mini-lights, stress balls and assorted brochures and publications.

Then, while going around the vendors, I picked up a Magnum Claw. The Magnum Claw is a cool tire spike contraption that you can place under the wheel of a parked car; the car drives over the spikes and is deflated. Good times! I also got some more flash drives, a little stress ball shaped like a hand grenade, a canvass tote bag and some gun cleaning supplies from OTIS and a bunch more stuff than I can remember. Finally, I won a coupon for half off the price of a groundfighting class I'm interested in.

Oh, man, I bought some stuff too. Two new KA-BAR knives: a TDI law enforcement knife, and a new product called a TDI-LDK, that's a small knife that can be worn around the neck, or laced into a boot. I also picked up some new neoprene shooting gloves.

Cross your fingers for me, or chant nam myoho renge kyo, or something, because they have a kick-ass raffle later this week. The Bubs family arsenal could really expand if I get lucky.